In a difficult situation

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Oh boy.
Sacking the nanny does seem to be the most obvious immediate solution, despite the fact that it would be grossly unfair both to her and your children, who are probably attached to her. If you do this, give her a fantastic recommendation and a very generous severance check.

However, I am concerned based on what you have said, that this isn’t going to really fix the deep rooted problem, which seems to be that you aren’t particularly happy in your marriage.

Attractions like this are often a symptom of a deeper problem, which means that if you remove the nanny, another such woman could pop up and take her place. There are many, many people who have left their spouse for their “soul mate” and ended up being very unhappy. Having young children can stress a marriage. And even though you might honestly believe this nanny is so wonderful, you actually have no idea what it would be like to be her boyfriend/husband, once you see her “warts and all.” The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, as they say.

My advice to you would be to get marriage counseling ASAP. Your wife seems to have an idea that you have an attraction for the nanny, so I don’t see a reason to hide in counseling something that she already suspects.

Does your parish (or any other near you) have regular Eucharistic Adoration? I would suggest you get to that ASAP and spend some time in the presence of Jesus, asking him to help you re-commit to your marriage. Being in the presence of Christ can be amazing for things like this. Try it, it is different from going to Mass, where you are distracted by other people and your kids. Try praying a rosary every night and asking the Blessed Mother to help you.
 
Based on the more recent posts, I may have to change my mind about this difficult situation.

Before, I posted, ‘keep yourself in check and don’t fire the nanny.’

That’s changed. BlueHen, you’re really in deep. What’s more, I don’t think firing the nanny will make much of a difference in the long run. She’s not the problem.

And you convinced your wife to let the nanny stay so she can inspire you to be a better husband?

To make an analogy, that would be like me telling my wife I need to hang out in strip clubs so will have a better appreciation of her virtue. If I get blasted drunk on Friday night I will appreciate sobriety all the more on Sunday morning. Yes, honey, I have Tiger Woods’ little black book, but that’s only because I respect you.
 
I feel very badly for your wife. 😦 She knows you are attracted to this woman, even to the point of asking you if you are “replacing” her, and you think keeping this nanny around is somehow going to help your marriage? That’s quite the excuse, if I ever heard one. You sound like a person who is rationalizing keeping her in any way possible, not someone who cares about his marriage.

You are already wasting a lot of time and attention that should be going to your wife on your nanny. You ask “can what this woman brings to my life be complementary, and actually strengthen our marriage by encouraging us to re-engage in self-definition so we remember what brought us together in the first place?” Re-engage in self definition? What? No, there is no way keeping the nanny around is going to strengthen your marriage.
 
bluehen95 said:
My wife knows that I have gotten closer to this woman. She has point blank asked me if I “have feelings” for her. I have been very honest about what I am thinking and feeling, why I feel what I feel about her now, what I think she could actually do for our marriage (without doing anything other than being herself), and what it means in terms of the work that we need to do. One thing we have always had in our marriage is absolute trust, and I have asked her to continue to trust me and work with me to handle this appropriately. So I do not think it’s a worse situation. My wife both deserves to know, and needs to be an active part of how we address it.
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I am sorry to hear a SAH parent is not a possibility. I was the one that suggested it and no, I do not think less of your family for needing two incomes. It was just a suggestion, but you say it is not possible. Got it.

You say that this nanny has opened your eyes to your faith other possibilities in your life. It seems like she provided almost a revelation for you and you don’t want to let that go. The thing is, though, the revelation could come from somewhere else. The nanny did not open your eyes. You were ready to have your eyes opened. She was just there at the time. It could have just as easily been your aged CCD teacher from way back when. Or your neighbor. Or your parents. Or something or someone else.

As maryjk says, your eyes are already opened. Schedule an apologetics class to take with your wife. Go through RCIA together. Find a Theology course to go through. Whatever. But you don’t need the nanny to do any of this. The only thing you need the nanny for is to have a relationship with the nanny. You are fooling yourself if you maintain that it’s anything else.

I can’t believe your wife has to leave for work every single day with you, the nanny, and her kids left at the house. And you are attracted to her. Wow. What stress.
 
Also, I hate to be kind of a jerk and ask this but…

Why is staying at home not an option? Nannies are pretty expensive.

I normally do not ask people about their finances because it’s not my business and it’s rude, but it seems relevant here. Au pairs, nannies… they’d likely offset any gains my family made if my wife worked. We might actually be worse off given the income tax situation.
 
It appears to me that you are making excuses not to change the situation. You are heading straight for disaster and the sooner you dismiss the nanny the better. Give her a glowing recommendation, do everything in your power to help her find another suitable position and DO IT NOW. I simply can’t imagine how your wife feels since you say she knows you “have feelings” for the other woman. Then get yourself to confession as soon as you can.
 
OP, once again I ask:

**How would you feel if your wife was in a similar situation with a man whom you’d hired? **

Seriously. Think about it.
 
Nanny works 8 - 5 (not live-in) and while we pay her well, she is about 1/8 of our annual income. We live in an expensive area, we’re under water and so moving is not really an option, or I’d be out of here in a heartbeat. Trust me, we both need to work. If we don’t, we’ll be living without power and/or defaulting in three months.

I took this job, ironically, because I could work from home. We both thought it would be good because I can spend more time with the kids (avoiding four hours of commuting in ridiculous traffic), it costs less transportation-wise, etc. Also ironically, we both agreed that we did not want to have just an employer-employee relationship with the nanny we hired. We wanted it to be informal, to integrate the person who was with our kids 1/3 of their time or more to know us, we know her, etc. Well, we’ve certainly achieved that.

The attraction thing is odd. I did not actually find her all that attractive when we met her. That is only happening as I have gotten to know her, which is obviously not a good sign. But I honestly believe, and you can all pile up on me for this, that I have connected with who she is, not what she looks like. You can say it could have been anyone to have this impact, but I’m not sure I agree with that. I do honestly believe that God leads people places at different times, and it’s up to them to see it, see why, and act appropriately.

I probably am fooling myself. This woman has already had a major impact on me, so perhaps that’s what I needed and it’s time to move on. Maybe now it’s just a sort of personal gratification for me that will be more damaging than helpful. If that’s the case, I can deal with that. So why is there a little voice telling me this person has more to offer us, and we have a positive role to play in her life? Is this the “bad voice” just telling me what I want to hear, to justify keeping her around? It sounds like, from you all, that it is.

I have to think this all through, there is a lot going on in my head and it’s confusing. I do know very clearly what the “right answer” is, or the “safe” answer anyway. I just need to be clear in my head that anything else is greedy and selfish, and not wasting something very positive because it’s difficult for me to control.
 
CatholicRaven said:
OP, once again I ask:

**How would you feel if your wife was in a similar situation with a man whom you’d hired? **

Seriously. Think about it.
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That is an interesting question. Immediately, I would tell you I trust her intentions and her judgment, but until put in that position I really don’t know. I’m sure I would not be 100% comfortable. This is the arrangement we planned for, but maybe didn’t think through. And/or didn’t realize that we ourselves were stuck in something of a rut that would come out through this experience.
 
bluehen95 said:
I have to think this all through, there is a lot going on in my head and it’s confusing. I do know very clearly what the “right answer” is, or the “safe” answer anyway. I just need to be clear in my head that anything else is greedy and selfish, and not wasting something very positive because it’s difficult for me to control.
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Pornography still looks attractive to me. Or at least the notion of it since I’ve been “off” it for more than a year now. Naked women? Sounds like a plan! I’m certainly a fan of that.

I know it’s wrong. I knew it was when I watched it. Didn’t matter. Did it anyway. Thought I was making a sacrifice or a “deal” with God because hey… if I just got my jollies off and didn’t risk my wife’s health with a potential pregnancy because I wanted sex… that’s at least somewhat noble, right?

WRONG

I probably will never get to the point where pornography repulses me on a visceral level. But I am repulsed by what kind of person I became when I used it and I’m repulsed by the damage it caused to my marriage. So I’ve cut it out.

What’s positive is not the nanny. It’s God. Seek Him first.
 
The_Bucket said:
Pornography still looks attractive to me. Or at least the notion of it since I’ve been “off” it for more than a year now. Naked women? Sounds like a plan! I’m certainly a fan of that.

I know it’s wrong. I knew it was when I watched it. Didn’t matter. Did it anyway. Thought I was making a sacrifice or a “deal” with God because hey… if I just got my jollies off and didn’t risk my wife’s health with a potential pregnancy because I wanted sex… that’s at least somewhat noble, right?

WRONG

I probably will never get to the point where pornography repulses me on a visceral level. But I am repulsed by what kind of person I became when I used it and I’m repulsed by the damage it caused to my marriage. So I’ve cut it out.

What’s positive is not the nanny. It’s God. Seek Him first.
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Wise!
 
FrStevenJones said:
Wise!
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It would have been wisdom had I listened and heeded the first at least a half-dozen priests that told me maybe I should go into an SA-type group over the course of a number of years. Instead it was desperation as my wife found out, packed up the kids and left while I lay in a quivering heap of loneliness, despair, fear and depression.

I have a better, though still rocky at times due to the damage I caused, marriage and I’m certainly a better father these days. I implore others to cut sin at the root immediately upon seeing it. Don’t let it fester unless you want to end up crying and screaming to God in anguish in a Eucharistic Adoration chapel and wondering if you will ever be able to piece your family back together.
 
CatholicRaven said:
OP, once again I ask:

**How would you feel if your wife was in a similar situation with a man whom you’d hired? **

Seriously. Think about it.
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Got a pool?

OP, Fire the nanny. If she has truly given you help in some way, that you think will help your marriage, which to me sounds suspect, but I’ll give some benefit of doubt for a nano second, then tell her “Thank you” as you and your wife escort her out the door.
Hopefully with a large severance pay.
 
bluehen95 said:
That is an interesting question. Immediately, I would tell you I trust her intentions and her judgment, but until put in that position I really don’t know. I’m sure I would not be 100% comfortable. This is the arrangement we planned for, but maybe didn’t think through. And/or didn’t realize that we ourselves were stuck in something of a rut that would come out through this experience.
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Mistrust poisons relationships, even if nothing happened physically.
It made me sick to my stomach for 2 or 3 years. Distrust makes home life uncomfortable, it ruins intimacy, it sends people to different rooms because of tension, brooding in silence, sends them sleeping on couches because of unresolved anger, makes vacations difficult.
You are heading down a path you will regret.

Picture your wife at home alone with a young man who fulfills her in ways that you might not, who she might enjoy being close to, who talks to her in ways that you don’t or can’t, who might make her melt just a little at the knees. This kind of thing breeds insanity in a person, and that’s what will come up in your wife, even though she seems to be reasonable about it now.
 
bluehen95 said:
Fr. Jones
I appreciate what you are saying and I thank you for it. Forgive me if I continue to engage the congregation before deciding what to do. I choose this because you would also likely let me know that my children are the result of a mortal sin (and by logical extension, not a gift from God, per se), a sentiment with which I vehemently disagree.
I say this with all due respect.
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Ok, let’s talk mortal sin. I was raised Protestant, but had enough Catholic friends and family to know just enough about the Church’s teachings. I just didn’t think they applied to me. I also never thought that maybe those teachings and the rule and regulations were there for a very good reason outside of religion. Face it, if everybody followed the Catholic rules there would be a lot less heartache and drama in the world.

I had pre-marital sex, used drugs experimentally or regularly, got pregnant, got married to a contender for Jerk of the Century (lying, cheating, abusive, on and on), cheated on him multiple times, had another baby with him, separated from him, started dating, had a baby with the guy I was dating, moved in with that guy, FINALLY was financially able to file for and obtain a divorce, and got married. 10 years after the marriage, he decided to start going to Mass again after having left the Church as an early teen which was more than 20 years earlier.

I went watched videos and lectures on Youtube about Catholicism with my husband. I then to Mass with my husband to see what it was all about. Loved it. Ended up having a very long chat with our priest, who was nothing but helpful, caring, kind and understanding, and just wonderful. I am now in the process of making things right. I attend Mass weekly with my family, we are taking RCIA with the kids, I have applied for an annulment so that we can have or marriage convalidated and can’t wait for the day I will be able to receive the Sacraments.

I am well aware that a large part of “the congregation” would have serious issues with my history and have a lot to say about my marriage and my children. I am not concerned with “the congregation’s” opinion or interpretations of the Catholic Church’s teachings. I am concerned with making things right and with the opinion of my priest and the Sister who have been so helpful and charitable toward us.

So what if the kids were conceived in Mortal Sin? Do what you have to do to make things right. Make some calls, find a priest you feel comfortable with and set up a meeting. Move forward. (Personally, I am a fan of Jesuits, so if you can find one within reasonable distance do it. We found our priest by Googling Jesuit churches. 🙂 )

The nanny has helped you reconnect with your faith and ignited a desire in you to return to the Church. That is a wonderful thing. But, beyond that, she can only harm your marriage. As long as she is there you’ll never be able to devote your entire self to your wife. Seems like her purpose in your life has been fulfilled and it is time to say good-bye.

Separate your newly re-discovered interest in Catholicism from her. Just because she will no longer be a part of your life doesn’t mean you have to abandon the idea of returning to the Church. Start exploring the richness and tradition and history of the Church and of faith with your wife.

Thinking that the nanny’s presence is good for your marriage is rationalizing. You want to keep her in your life because you care for her and that is the excuse you are giving yourself. It will be sad and it will hurt to have her leave, yes. But I guarantee you that is nothing to the hurt you’d feel if you ended up losing your wife and kids over the relationship you have with the nanny.

And, frankly, your wife is a gem! Very few women would leave the house in the morning knowing their husbands “have feelings” for the nanny, whom they will be spending the day with. Most women would have heard your admission, lost their minds, and then taken action. Some might have fired the nanny immediately. Others would have thrown pottery at your head while firing the nanny.
 
bluehen95 said:
The attraction thing is odd. I did not actually find her all that attractive when we met her. That is only happening as I have gotten to know her, which is obviously not a good sign. But I honestly believe, and you can all pile up on me for this, that I have connected with who she is, not what she looks like. You can say it could have been anyone to have this impact, but I’m not sure I agree with that. I do honestly believe that God leads people places at different times, and it’s up to them to see it, see why, and act appropriately.
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Please, I beg of you, do NOT make the mistake some people do, and believe that God “sent” this person to you in order to help you “be happy” or somesuch.
(You may not be thinking this, but I want to help you head it off at the pass in case you ever do fall for this thinking).
I have a relative who did this. Had a fairly unhappy marriage and reconnected with an old flame and poof. She said they fell in love, “God wants me to be happy”, this person was led to her by God, fate, whatever. “Everything happens for a reason.” She divorced her husband and married the other guy. Used every rationalization in the world to her friends and family. I think she really believed that God brought them together, sick as that sounds. The hurt and pain she caused her husband and kids was enormous. And guess what? After the newness wore off, she wasn’t any happier with the new husband than she was with the first.
Please, do not ever think that God is attempting to lead you away from your spouse. He joined you together–he is not “sending” someone else to “fulfill” you. He just isn’t. I’ve seen this rationalization in action, and it is poison.
 
I’m a 56-year-old woman who has been happily married to the same man for 34 years.

The nanny should be dismissed, with a fair severance pay.

And the OP should get counselling from a marriage counselor who understands and supports sacramental marriage (not some modern hack who believes in open marriages, etc.).

The OP has a wandering eye, which many men have. But the OP has something that many men don’t have–deviousness. He’s really really creative at coming up with rationalizations and making his wandering eye sound like a deep, spiritual experience instead of like what it is–a wandering eye.

OP, good men look at a non-wife female–once. And then they look away and never look again. You need to learn how to do that. If you don’t learn, then after this nanny is gone and forgotten, there’ll be a whole string of women who “help you to get closer to God.” You can’t keep firing each new woman. They won’t always be nannies. You’ll move on to one of your children’s schoolteachers, or a woman who attends the same Mass you do, or a work associate, or a woman who stops at Starbucks at the same time you do every morning. OP, stop kidding yourself. Eventually your wife will get a clue and your marriage will be over. You’re broken. Get yourself repaired.
 
MJJean said:
I am well aware that a large part of “the congregation” would have serious issues with my history and have a lot to say about my marriage and my children. I am not concerned with “the congregation’s” opinion or interpretations of the Catholic Church’s teachings. I am concerned with making things right and with the opinion of my priest and the Sister who have been so helpful and charitable toward us.

So what if the kids were conceived in Mortal Sin? Do what you have to do to make things right. Make some calls, find a priest you feel comfortable with and set up a meeting. Move forward.
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All excellent points. Look, I’ll be man enough to admit that yes, your past is concerning. Your history is pretty checkered and it would cause me to step back for a minute or two.

But you know what? My history sucks pretty badly too. I got hooked on pornography from my early teens, lied about it, refused counsel of numerous priests to get help, misled myself about how bad it was since I stopped for awhile, got married, had kids, got back into it big time, emotionally abused my wife and basically set fire to my family.

So where the hell would I get off saying word one about you? Or the OP? I’m talking about the actions here, not anyone’s worth. We’re all beloved children of God.
 
Cat said:
I
The OP has a wandering eye, which many men have. But the OP has something that many men don’t have–deviousness. He’s really really creative at coming up with rationalizations and making his wandering eye sound like a deep, spiritual experience instead of like what it is–a wandering eye.
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Can I provide a counter? Most people in general have a bit of a wandering eye and some can keep it in check themselves. But I daresay my eyes have been opened about just how many people out there, like me who are great at mental gymnastics and self-deception.

None of us want to see ourselves as bad people. So instead of admitting where we are wrong, repent and repeat the process if and when we fall again, we try to rationalize our behavior to the point where it’s not just “I’m not bad guy” but “I don’t do bad things.”

We all do bad things. Telling ourselves that we don’t is just another layer of the self-deception onion. Take it from a guy who lived it for quite some time… and is the son of a guy who lived it and might still be living it for much, much longer.
 
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