In a difficult situation

[Cricket123]

My wife knows that I think this woman is wonderful. She’s suspicious that I have feelings for her, though I doubt at this depth, but wants to trust me. I don’t want to hurt her. I have zero clue what to do…

Yes, you do… you just don’t want to do it. The nanny has to go, in the kindest, most generous way for all involved. Trust me, your wife probably knows more than you might think, and may well give you an “out” without your having to spill your guts if you approach other childcare options with consideration for her feelings.

Perhaps the slightly disingenuous but plausible idea that daycare might give your children more playmates? Just a thought. Offer her an “out” and she may well do the same for you.

You might well find that *not *spending all day alone with an attractive young woman provides its own remedy, and you can get back to focusing your attentions where they belong.

It’s a minefield, of course, but it is possible to make your way out of a minefield without blowing yourself up if you’re careful.

 

[The_Bucket]

And what then? What if it IS about her first and foremost, and not the other things? How does THAT not linger over my future with my wife?

You became infatuated with a fantasy. It happens. Then you decided to wake the hell up and push your fantasy aside. No harm done? Not really. Some harm done. Some done to her and to yourself. But it’s fixable.

I know I should feel guilty and I kind of do. I say “kind of” because when feeling rational, I get cold and ask myself what the hell I’m doing, and why. I know this has consequences that are probably already irreversible. And I know someone will get hurt.

So I should feel like the world’s worst person because of this. And yet, when I’m around her, I just feel really good, happy. This is such a total and complete mess.

You don’t actually feel “good and happy,” you are infatuated. It’s the same kind of feeling I had when I first met some of my old girlfriends and when I first met my wife. That feeling fades. But the difference between the old girlfriends and my wife is that after the infatuation and the constant daydreaming and the goofy smile bit went away… there was nothing left with the other girls and there was a strong feeling and desire to sacrifice myself for my now-wife. That’s how I knew I was actually in love with her.

There’s no reason to go over this in your head. The more you live in your head and not in the real world, the more trouble you’re in. Pull the fricking trigger and have done with it. Unless of course you want to destroy your family, of course, in which case feel free to continue down this road.

 

[on_the_hill]

I know I should feel guilty and I kind of do. I say “kind of” because when feeling rational, I get cold and ask myself what the hell I’m doing, and why. I know this has consequences that are probably already irreversible. And I know someone will get hurt.

So I should feel like the world’s worst person because of this. And yet, when I’m around her, I just feel really good, happy. This is such a total and complete mess.

It might be a mess, but it’s not catastrophic yet. You can get it cleaned up and move on with your life with your wife.

I don’t think you should feel altogether guilty. Feelings and emotions happen, they confuse us, mislead us. But as you and others have posed, you know that the only solution is to get nanny out of your life, one way or another. You’ve either got to build a steel curtain between your emotions and her, or she’s got to leave physically.

Both, probably. Because if you *don’t * control your feelings, whether or not she’s present won’t make a difference. You’ll still want her, and you might end up resentful of your wife. Back to what I posted earlier: man up.

 

[clem456]

Well, I surely hope you don’t have to rely on your instincts for a living, and I thank you for the highly Christian sentiment. I wish I was a troll, then this would not be real.

I sat down to write 1,000 words or less about what I’m feeling, to try to understand what is going on in my head and figure out just how deep this water is. I often do this and just let words flow out without correcting them, because the first cut is the most honest.

I wound up with ten paragraphs about this woman, one about my wife, and one that basically says that while I know the pitfalls and dangers and likelihood that no result will look anything like I’d hope it would, I’d continue to push the limits in pursuit of an outcome I haven’t even stopped to envision, unless someone or something stopped me.

Bottom line, I’m in way, way over my head. And I don’t know if it’s her, or my marriage, or my point in life, or all of the above. I know I have to stop seeing her, but I also know I’m not likely to pull the trigger. And what then? What if it IS about her first and foremost, and not the other things? How does THAT not linger over my future with my wife?

My wife knows that I think this woman is wonderful. She’s suspicious that I have feelings for her, though I doubt at this depth, but wants to trust me. I don’t want to hurt her. I have zero clue what to do. I prayed about this last night, and was rewarded with seven hours of doing nothing but dreaming about the nanny. Awesome.

I know I should feel guilty and I kind of do. I say “kind of” because when feeling rational, I get cold and ask myself what the hell I’m doing, and why. I know this has consequences that are probably already irreversible. And I know someone will get hurt.

So I should feel like the world’s worst person because of this. And yet, when I’m around her, I just feel really good, happy. This is such a total and complete mess.

You know what to do, yet you do nothing because you like the happy feelings.

There no such thing as entertaining a little bit of lust. It doesn’t work that way. If you willingly accept lust into your life, it will consume you. It’s just a matter of time. It will ruin your marriage if you allow it to.

It has already corrupted your will to do the obvious correct thing. If your will was not corrupted, wouldn’t you simply let the nanny go? Yet you “can’t”. You pretend you don’t know what to do. BS. The lust you have allowed to develop has already begun to corrupt you and it will continue to corrupt you. Listen to people who have experience with this kind of thing. There is no such thing as having a little bit of lust, and maintaining a sane marriage at the same time. Lust will grab you by the short hairs and keep squeezing.

 

[Pax2u]

quote: I wound up with ten paragraphs about this woman, one about my wife, and one that basically says that while I know the pitfalls and dangers and likelihood that no result will look anything like I’d hope it would, I’d continue to push the limits in pursuit of an outcome I haven’t even stopped to envision, unless someone or something stopped me.

It is not someone or something else’s responsibility to stop you. You’re an adult, a husband, and a father, and you need to act like a man. You’ve gotten excellent advice, now it’s up to you to do the right thing.

Another thing…you say your wife can’t stay home with the kids, because you will lose your house if her income is gone. Wise up…the way you are going you are going to lose your house anyway. Along with your marriage and a decent relationship with your children.

 

[The_Bucket]

You know what to do, yet you do nothing because you like the happy feelings.

There no such thing as entertaining a little bit of lust. It doesn’t work that way. If you willingly accept lust into your life, it will consume you. It’s just a matter of time. It will ruin your marriage if you allow it to.

It has already corrupted your will to do the obvious correct thing. If your will was not corrupted, wouldn’t you simply let the nanny go? Yet you “can’t”. You pretend you don’t know what to do. BS. The lust you have allowed to develop has already begun to corrupt you and it will continue to corrupt you. Listen to people who have experience with this kind of thing. There is no such thing as having a little bit of lust, and maintaining a sane marriage at the same time. Lust will grab you by the short hairs and keep squeezing.

A bit of this and a bit of what on the hill was saying.

It is true that we cannot control our initial reactions to situations. If you found the nanny attractive when she first walked in the door, that’s fine. Provided that you just said to yourself “Yeah, she’s good looking. Ok, back to work.” It’s not like God is asking us to walk with our heads down and never see other people. That’s absurd.

Noticing someone is attractive is fine. Even getting emotionally attached to someone to a certain degree because she’s in your home a lot is something you can’t really control. But you’ve already concluded that it’s gone beyond a “certain degree” and it’s getting dangerous. So now you are at the point where you can control it. You’re noticing. You have a responsibility to pull the trigger here. A moral imperative in fact.

If I flip on the computer and something indecent pops up, that’s no sin of mine. If I don’t close it, however, and I stare and keep going… yeah that’s my sin.

You’re staring. Close the freaking window, talk to a priest and move on. You’re only “trapped” because you’re telling yourself you’re trapped. You’re deluding yourself. And by the way, there’s a very, very low percentage that she’s in any way interested in you so aside from the insane amounts of collateral damage involved, it wouldn’t even work anyway. The only place this “works” is in your head. Not in reality. Get out of your head. Our minds are a dangerous place for us to dwell. Live in reality.

 

[maryjk]

I wound up with ten paragraphs about this woman,

You mean the nanny? Right? The woman that you hired to take care of your children?

one about my wife,

The one that you have committed your life to? The one that had your children?

Dude, if you can only write one paragraph about your wife? You have more problems than the nanny.

and one that basically says that while I know the pitfalls and dangers and likelihood that no result will look anything like I’d hope it would, I’d continue to push the limits in pursuit of an outcome I haven’t even stopped to envision, unless someone or something stopped me.

So, you can admit that you are on a run away train, but heck, you really want to see where this goes. I mean, who wouldn’t, right?

Pardon me, but what are you, stupid?

Bottom line, I’m in way, way over my head. And I don’t know if it’s her, or my marriage, or my point in life, or all of the above. I know I have to stop seeing her, but I also know I’m not likely to pull the trigger. And what then? What if it IS about her first and foremost, and not the other things? How does THAT not linger over my future with my wife?

Because you are not thinking with your head.

My wife knows that I think this woman is wonderful. She’s suspicious that I have feelings for her, though I doubt at this depth, but wants to trust me. I don’t want to hurt her. I have zero clue what to do. I prayed about this last night, and was rewarded with seven hours of doing nothing but dreaming about the nanny. Awesome.

You told us how old the Nanny is. How old are you? I really only ask because you are acting like you are 17.

I know I should feel guilty and I kind of do. I say “kind of” because when feeling rational, I get cold and ask myself what the hell I’m doing, and why. I know this has consequences that are probably already irreversible. And I know someone will get hurt.

So I should feel like the world’s worst person because of this. And yet, when I’m around her, I just feel really good, happy. This is such a total and complete mess.

No, not a mess.

And there is a way out. But admit it. You like that you think you can escape all of the problems of the world and run off with this nanny. She is your escape route. Why give that up?

You know what to do. The question is, can you act like the adult you should be, and do it???

 

[The_Bucket]

You know what to do. The question is, can you act like the adult you should be, and do it???

Based on how this thread has progressed, I’m guessing probably not.

And I’m also guessing that there’s never going to be a “running away with the nanny.” Or reciprocity of his desires in any way, shape or form.

What there’s going to be is a pissed-off wife coming to the conclusion that her husband has the hots for the help, the nanny being fired and not getting the severance package she deserves, the kids being confused and crushed and tension in the family being ratcheted up to 11.

So yeah, have fun with that.

 

[clem456]

Based on how this thread has progressed, I’m guessing probably not.

And I’m also guessing that there’s never going to be a “running away with the nanny.” Or reciprocity of his desires in any way, shape or form.

What there’s going to be is a pissed-off wife coming to the conclusion that her husband has the hots for the help, the nanny being fired and not getting the severance package she deserves, the kids being confused and crushed and tension in the family being ratcheted up to 11.

So yeah, have fun with that.

We all want our freebies don’t we. There are none. There’s always a cost and many times our eyes aren’t open to the costs until it’s too late.

 

[Pax2u]

I really hope the OP is a troll, as it is sad to know how this story will end up if he doesn’t make some significant changes.

 

[clem456]

Me:
“I’ll have a happy marriage and family with a side order of lust please!”

Satan:
“Well that’s great sir! I recommend starting with the lust!. It’s a delicious meal in itself!. If you can finish it then maybe you can have the marriage and family too!”

 

[The_Bucket]

We all want our freebies don’t we. There are none. There’s always a cost and many times our eyes aren’t open to the costs until it’s too late.

You know it. I’m eternally grateful that I was given a reprieve but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t lasting temporal damage. There is. Even 15 months later there’s still temporal damage; I expect to hang around for awhile longer.

And even though I am grateful, I’m still tempted. I just have to surrender the temptations to the Lord and repeat “it’s a lie, it’s a lie, it’s a mother-you-know-what lie” that I can “indulge” and not cause myself and others great pain.

 

[maryjk]

Me:
“I’ll have a happy marriage and family with a side order of lust please!”

Satan:
“Well that’s great sir! I recommend starting with the lust!. It’s a delicious meal in itself!. If you can finish it then maybe you can have the marriage and family too!”

That would be funny, it it weren’t so sad.

 

[clem456]

That would be funny, it it weren’t so sad.

The thing about the lust buffet is, when the owner locks the doors at night, the patrons don’t get to leave.
And that buffet isn’t quite as delicious as it first appeared.

 

[AnneTeresa]

I have zero clue what to do. I prayed about this last night, and was rewarded with seven hours of doing nothing but dreaming about the nanny. Awesome…

This is such a total and complete mess.

You are on the brink of serious sin that will mess up many lives. GET TO CONFESSION! THIS WEEKEND! Do not delay. Tell the priest the whole thing. Confess to God your feelings and RUN from the temptation. You have already crossed the line, believe me, you do not want to jump in any further!

 

[THP]

Honestly, at this point your happiness is not nearly as important as not destroying your children’s home life. You need to suck it up and accept that you need to sacrifice your own happiness for the good of your children. Once the nanny is gone you can start dealing with any depression you may be e xperiencing because of the loss.

 

[smallcat]

OK, I’m not going to say anything anyone else hasn’t already, but for the sheer impact of numbers:

Get her out. Now. Yesterday.

Initially, when it wasn’t apparent the depth of your emotional involvement or whether or not your wife suspected anything, I thought maybe your finding an office outside of the house might be enough.

With your most recent post, however, it’s obvious that this is more serious. If you think your wife suspects a little bit, she probably suspects a lot more. That’s reason enough to go to her and tell her why you want to let the nanny go. You don’t have to go into details of how much you think about her, or the fantasies you have (in fact, please don’t) but acknowledge to her that there is a problem that you need to nip in the bud before it gets truly dangerous. Let your wife do the firing, give her severance pay, good recommendations, all that, and say goodbye.

Tomorrow. Now. Yesterday.

Please also consider a Retrouvaille weekend and the follow-up sessions. They could be transformative for your relationship.

 

[on_the_hill]

You are on the brink of serious sin that will mess up many lives. GET TO CONFESSION! THIS WEEKEND! Do not delay. Tell the priest the whole thing. Confess to God your feelings and RUN from the temptation. You have already crossed the line, believe me, you do not want to jump in any further!

How will confession help? He needs to resolve the situation. Obviously a Rite of Penance is vitally important but it’s not a plan.

 

[Pax2u]

How will confession help? He needs to resolve the situation. Obviously a Rite of Penance is vitally important but it’s not a plan.

Confession will help because he will get enormous graces to help him win this battle.

And the priest will give him direction which may may make more of an impact on him than anything he reads here. He’s not posting now, so guess he didn’t find anyone who would tell him he was on the right track.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I know this has consequences that are probably already irreversible. And I know someone will get hurt.

When this all blows up you’re going to feel like such a fool. The nanny will be horrified, your wife will want nothing to do with you, and your kids - who you’ll be seeing every other week-end and two weeks in the summer - will be traumatized. All because you have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. What a waste.