In Law Issues & Pregnancy Hormones! Am I being uncharitable?

[CajunsforChrist]

My DH and I have been married for what will be a year next month. We are currently expecting our first child sometime around the end of July/early August. We’re being faced with somewhat a bit of criticism from my DH’s parents about whether or not we’re capable of taking care of the baby ourselves the first few weeks after giving birth. I’m completely grateful that they’ve offered their help in case we need a little break from the baby; however, I can’t help but feel like they’re trying to convince us that it’s impossible to do on our own. I’m in no way naive enough to believe that having a baby is going to be a piece of cake. I just feel like their a little out of line because they keep trying to convince us that it’s pertinent to practically move in for the first week to help us. My DH has told them that he doesn’t feel comfortable with that idea because it will obviously take some adjusting for us once we come home from the hospital with the baby and having others staying with us (in our very small 2 bedroom apartment) seems a little crammed. They don’t seem to like that idea very much and are constantly trying to convince us otherwise. I think my feelings are also a little hurt because, I too have parents and it seems like my in-laws believe that only they should be entitled to come over and help. We’ve stated that if we do feel the need for help we will let anyone know when the time comes; however, it’s not something we’re planning for ahead of time. I’m praying about this constantly because I don’t want to be an uncharitable daughter-in-law. Am I just suffering from a crazy dose of pregnancy hormones?? I should add that this is their first grandchild so I know some of their expectations is probably coming from the excitement of being grandparents for the first time (sometimes in a weird way, like when my MIL calls the baby HER baby in this really weird way). Sorry for the long rant! Any advice/prayers would be appreciated!

 

[agnes_therese]

You are not being at all unreasonable. And good for your husband for standing up to them. This will be a very important time for you, your husband, and your baby as a new family.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

You are not being at all unreasonable. And good for your husband for standing up to them. This will be a very important time for you, your husband, and your baby as a new family.

Thanks for the reply! I know they’re really trying to be charitable and sweet and I love them for that. I guess it’s the pushiness I don’t really like. I just needed to hear from some fellow brothers/sisters in Christ whether or not my feelings were justified lol Pregnancy can make a gal feel pretty crazy sometimes I suppose.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

My DH and I have been married for what will be a year next month. We are currently expecting our first child sometime around the end of July/early August. We’re being faced with somewhat a bit of criticism from my DH’s parents about whether or not we’re capable of taking care of the baby ourselves the first few weeks after giving birth. I’m completely grateful that they’ve offered their help in case we need a little break from the baby; however, I can’t help but feel like they’re trying to convince us that it’s impossible to do on our own. I’m in no way naive enough to believe that having a baby is going to be a piece of cake. I just feel like their a little out of line because they keep trying to convince us that it’s pertinent to practically move in for the first week to help us. My DH has told them that he doesn’t feel comfortable with that idea because it will obviously take some adjusting for us once we come home from the hospital with the baby and having others staying with us (in our very small 2 bedroom apartment) seems a little crammed. They don’t seem to like that idea very much and are constantly trying to convince us otherwise. I think my feelings are also a little hurt because, I too have parents and it seems like my in-laws believe that only they should be entitled to come over and help. We’ve stated that if we do feel the need for help we will let anyone know when the time comes; however, it’s not something we’re planning for ahead of time. I’m praying about this constantly because I don’t want to be an uncharitable daughter-in-law. Am I just suffering from a crazy dose of pregnancy hormones?? I should add that this is their first grandchild so I know some of their expectations is probably coming from the excitement of being grandparents for the first time (sometimes in a weird way, like when my MIL calls the baby HER baby in this really weird way). Sorry for the long rant! Any advice/prayers would be appreciated!

:hug1:

“Mother-in-law, thank you so much for your offers to help after baby is born. I know husband and I don’t really know what we’re doing yet, but we’ve decided we need those first weeks to get to know baby and to figure things out on our own. We promise to Skype lots, and it means the world to us to know that you’re a phone call away to answer questions and give us advice. Maybe you can visit for two or three days once we’re settled into a routine.”

If you two think this would be kinder coming from your husband, he needs to deliver the message.

If you decide to invite your in-laws for a visit, make sure you have an explicit end date. Inviting people into your home without an stated end day doesn’t turn out well for any relationship.

Luna

 

[CajunsforChrist]

:hug1:

“Mother-in-law, thank you so much for your offers to help after baby is born. I know husband and I don’t really know what we’re doing yet, but we’ve decided we need those first weeks to get to know baby and to figure things out on our own. We promise to Skype lots, and it means the world to us to know that you’re a phone call away to answer questions and give us advice. Maybe you can visit for two or three days once we’re settled into a routine.”

If you two think this would be kinder coming from your husband, he needs to deliver the message.

If you decide to invite your in-laws for a visit, make sure you have an explicit end date. Inviting people into your home without an stated end day doesn’t turn out well for any relationship.

Luna

I ABSOLUTELY love what you’ve stated here! Such sweet words, but it also gets the point across. If it’s brought up again, I definitely think we will be taking your approach, but as you said, I will ask DH to deliver the message. Another one of our “rules” will be that any visitors will have to ask beforehand if it’s okay to come over. I think I would be quite upset if I finally got the baby down for a nap and was able to take one as well and there would be people knocking on my door lol.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I ABSOLUTELY love what you’ve stated here! Such sweet words, but it also gets the point across. If it’s brought up again, I definitely think we will be taking your approach, but as you said, I will ask DH to deliver the message. Another one of our “rules” will be that any visitors will have to ask beforehand if it’s okay to come over. I think I would be quite upset if I finally got the baby down for a nap and was able to take one as well and there would be people knocking on my door lol.

It’s just common courtesy to phone ahead or otherwise pre-arrange a visit to someone’s home, new baby or not. You would not be violating any rules of etiquette to refuse entry to unannounced visitors, and you don’t need any excuse to do so. Your home is a private residence, not a public venue that people are entitled to drop into on a whim.

Luna

 

[shainski]

No, you are not wrong.

Yes, they are excited - it’s their first grandchild. But it’s your first child as well.

They want to help - they probably believe that they are being helpful. Those first few weeks of a newborn are exhausting. It’s hard to imagine how tired you might be. But it is also great bonding time for you, your husband and your baby.

Since it is his family, your husband is doing the right thing by handling this gently, but firmly. They will forgive him since he is their son. You don’t want them thinking that you are depriving them of this special time. Appreciating the help they are willing to give, but doing it on your terms (otherwise, it isn’t really helpful, is it?).

Make a big deal about how great of grandparents they are - and how thoughtful their help will be. “As soon as we’re ready to have you come visit, we will be so grateful for you to come.”

And we enjoyed having guests after our first was born. But most guests kept their visits short. We let people know that the house may be in disarray - and I made it clear that my wife might take the opportunity to take a nap or a shower while they visit the baby. (You need to figure out how to maximize every minute).

Oh, and congratulations. It’s an exciting time for you.

 

[Phaedra777]

(sometimes in a weird way, like when my MIL calls the baby** HER** baby in this really weird way)

Gigantic red flag there! Just curious, has she also tried to name your baby?

My advice is to begin as you mean to go on. If you let your in-laws do whatever they want now, you will have a very hard time setting down rules 20 years from now.

 

[melissa_b]

How do your parents feel about coming after the baby is born? What do you want? I know for me it’s been nice to have my mom around for the first few days at home more to help take care of me, not so much the baby. Of course, she’d spend plenty of time holding him too. Fortunately, my in-laws were fine with waiting a week or two before making an appearance (though more difficult travel arrangements also played a part in that).

One point my mom had to deal with was her role as a paternal grandma vs. maternal grandma. When my nephew (brother’s son) was born, she wanted to go right away like she had with my sons but she waited that first week or so and my SIL’s mother came right away. She’s even admitted it’s very different when it’s her son’s family rather than her daughter’s family having the baby.

 

[Julia_Mae]

My DH and I have been married for what will be a year next month. We are currently expecting our first child sometime around the end of July/early August. We’re being faced with somewhat a bit of criticism from my DH’s parents about whether or not we’re capable of taking care of the baby ourselves the first few weeks after giving birth.

Here’s the thing. If one of the moms wants to come and sleep on the couch and take care of the cooking and cleaning, it would be a great thing.

They almost never do.

THEY want the baby.

I wouldn’t even let the hospital have my baby, I walked out with her about four hours after I gave birth.

Trust your mom instincts. Ask your own mother if she will just please be available for phone calls, to ask advice when you need it or come j help with the housework if you get overtired.

You never know with a new baby - is it the kind of person who pretty much eats/sleeps/poops or the kind who wants to exercise the lungs a few hours a day. .

 

[maryjk]

Here’s the thing. If one of the moms wants to come and sleep on the couch and take care of the cooking and cleaning, it would be a great thing.

They almost never do.

THEY want the baby.

How true.

My MIL came over to help. She thought she would take a walk with the baby so I could clean and get stuff done.

My mom came over, put dinner in the crock pot, changed the sheets on the bed, washed a load of clothes, ran the vac and cleaned my toilets. :angel1:

My husband understood why I said, yes, my mom could stay a week but no, his mom couldn’t.

 

[Lacour]

I should add that this is their first grandchild so I know some of their expectations is probably coming from the excitement of being grandparents for the first time (sometimes in a weird way, like when my **MIL calls the baby HER baby **in this really weird way). Sorry for the long rant! Any advice/prayers would be appreciated!

Oh that is sooooooo annoying. On the other hand unless they’ve given you other reasons to believe they are possessive people with boundrey issues, it’s most likely just a symptom of excitement. My mom was the worst about that (still is) and it grates on my very soul, but she is perfection in every other way so I’ve learned to let it go.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal and your MIL’s response is actually really nice. Trust me it’s 1,000 times worse when your In-Laws seem to take no interest in your kids.

If they have to travel to see you, I would recommend for their sake that they wait a few weeks to visit. Brand new babies sleep all the time, they’ll get better interaction and be more help to you a few weeks later when the baby is more awake. My experience has been the first couple of weeks were not too bad (baby slept and my hormones kept me from needing much sleep), but about week three the kids started waking up and my adrenaline wore out a bit.

Congratulations by the way!!!

 

[gh4]

The VERY VERY BEST help that I got after having my children was…

1. My Mom took our laundry to her house and washed it for us for about a month. It was wonderful!
2. My SIL brought us food several times, entire meals. It was DELICIOUS.
3. My parents came and took my oldest to their house a couple of days a week when we brought baby #2 home. It was nice!
4. My Dad came and shoveled snow after baby #1 was born in January. WONDERFUL!
5. My Dad came and cut grass and such after baby #2 arrived in September. WONDERFUL!

And each time they picked something up or dropped something off, they stayed a max of 10 minutes and that was wonderful! If the baby was sleeping they might have been here for a total of 2 minutes.
Had I needed more help, I could have asked for it. But what they did for me was so very much appreciated and so very helpful and they didn’t stick around and get into my hair and tap dance on my nerves.

Perhaps you could get your families to help like this.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Gigantic red flag there! Just curious, has she also tried to name your baby?

My advice is to begin as you mean to go on. If you let your in-laws do whatever they want now, you will have a very hard time setting down rules 20 years from now.

Thankfully, no she hasn’t tried naming the baby. DH and I would’ve shut that down immediately. She just says “My” baby in this really weird way sometimes that makes me feel a little weird & defensive. Even my husband thinks it’s weird. He just doesn’t know how to gently tell her to stop without her becoming defensive.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

How do your parents feel about coming after the baby is born? What do you want? I know for me it’s been nice to have my mom around for the first few days at home more to help take care of me, not so much the baby. Of course, she’d spend plenty of time holding him too. Fortunately, Min-laws were fine with waiting a week or two before making an appearance (though more difficult travel arrangements also played a part in that).

One point my mom had to deal with was her role as a paternal grandma vs. maternal grandma. When my nephew (brother’s son) was born, she wanted to go right away like she had with my sons but she waited that first week or so and my SIL’s mother came right away. She’s even admitted it’s very different when it’s her son’s family rather than her daughter’s family having the baby.

My mother had also offered to stay with us for as long as we needed. She had intended to also spend the night but we told her the same as my MIL that we didn’t really want sleepovers. She respected our wishes and offered to just come and help if we need. Her viewpoint is different from my MIL’s in that she only had my Dad’s help for both me & my brother. So she undersands we can do it on our own. My MIL had her mother’s help and really feels it’s necessary. I feel bad because if I could choose I’d prefer my mother’s help just because I’m closer with her but I don’t want to be unfair to MIL.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Here’s the thing. If one of the moms wants to come and sleep on the couch and take care of the cooking and cleaning, it would be a great thing.

They almost never do.

THEY want the baby.

I wouldn’t even let the hospital have my baby, I walked out with her about four hours after I gave birth.

Trust your mom instincts. Ask your own mother if she will just please be available for phone calls, to ask advice when you need it or come j help with the housework if you get overtired.

You never know with a new baby - is it the kind of person who pretty much eats/sleeps/poops or the kind who wants to exercise the lungs a few hours a day. .

I can feel like this would be a HUGE thing for me! I know if I let my MIL come over to help, it wouldn’t be to do things like a little laundry or to cook us a hot meal but to take the baby and the thought of that drives me insane. And I feel SO selfish for it! I keep telling myself I should be happy that my baby is going to have wonderful grandparents who love and care about her but I feel so possessive over my baby already. Is this normal?! It’s totally not like me at all!

 

[CajunsforChrist]

How true.

My MIL came over to help. She thought she would take a walk with the baby so I could clean and get stuff done.

My mom came over, put dinner in the crock pot, changed the sheets on the bed, washed a load of clothes, ran the vac and cleaned my toilets. :angel1:

My husband understood why I said, yes, my mom could stay a week but no, his mom couldn’t.

This would ABSOLUTELY be what would happen with our parents! lol You described it to a T! My MIL has said several times that her mother would come over when she had her first born (my DH) and take the baby for a while for her to go and shower and that just those little things meant the world to her. I’m super glad that it worked for her and that she appreciated that, but I just don’t feel like I would be the same way. I could be wrong of course since this is my first.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Oh that is sooooooo annoying. On the other hand unless they’ve given you other reasons to believe they are possessive people with boundrey issues, it’s most likely just a symptom of excitement. My mom was the worst about that (still is) and it grates on my very soul, but she is perfection in every other way so I’ve learned to let it go.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal and your MIL’s response is actually really nice. Trust me it’s 1,000 times worse when your In-Laws seem to take no interest in your kids.

If they have to travel to see you, I would recommend for their sake that they wait a few weeks to visit. Brand new babies sleep all the time, they’ll get better interaction and be more help to you a few weeks later when the baby is more awake. My experience has been the first couple of weeks were not too bad (baby slept and my hormones kept me from needing much sleep), but about week three the kids started waking up and my adrenaline wore out a bit.

Congratulations by the way!!!

It’s quite annoying although as you’ve said I don’t think she’s meaning to be possessive but merely just extremely excited. She has good intentions deep down inside and they’re great people, it’s just sooooo frustrating at times.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

The VERY VERY BEST help that I got after having my children was…

1. My Mom took our laundry to her house and washed it for us for about a month. It was wonderful!
2. My SIL brought us food several times, entire meals. It was DELICIOUS.
3. My parents came and took my oldest to their house a couple of days a week when we brought baby #2 home. It was nice!
4. My Dad came and shoveled snow after baby #1 was born in January. WONDERFUL!
5. My Dad came and cut grass and such after baby #2 arrived in September. WONDERFUL!

And each time they picked something up or dropped something off, they stayed a max of 10 minutes and that was wonderful! If the baby was sleeping they might have been here for a total of 2 minutes.
Had I needed more help, I could have asked for it. But what they did for me was so very much appreciated and so very helpful and they didn’t stick around and get into my hair and tap dance on my nerves.

Perhaps you could get your families to help like this.

I would LOVE this! lol I can guarantee my mom would be this way for me. She has 2 grandkids already so even though she’s very excited about this grandchild, it isn’t as fresh and new as it is for my in-laws. My mom is a little OCD about cleaning anyway so I know the first things she’d want to do to help would be to clean the apartment for us lol and I would love her for that.

 

[Julia_Mae]

Is this normal?! It’s totally not like me at all!

Totally normal and necessary. If you felt otherwise, I’d be concerned. The only really healthy co-dependent bond is between mother and newborn.

YOU are the mom now. YOU decide what’s best for your child. YOU tell them to not do what you don’t want and start doing what you do want.

Be a dictator. A polite but firm one. Brook no arguments. But do listen, they have BTDT. Still, times change.

My mother, in the brief time she spent in my house, propped up a bottle in the middle of the night for my 7 day old, instead of hold her and feed her.

I was APPALLED.

Mom left shortly thereafter.

No wonder I needed therapy.

(If they get offended they do. They’ll get over it. They have to. See, you have all the power now. You have their grandchild! BWAAAAAHHHH-HAHAHAHA!!!)