In Law Issues & Pregnancy Hormones! Am I being uncharitable?

[CajunsforChrist]

I’ve never wanted anyone but my mom around after the birth of my babies. We told my FIL that delivery was rough and I needed recovery time before he could visit (my dad didn’t visit at first either).

People often aren’t every sensitive to the fact women need some privacy after childbirth. I breast-fed my kids and it is not easy at first and I didn’t want to have to hide out or struggle with it in front of any one I wasn’t comfortable with. You’ll probably want to wear your PJs and ice your chest when your milk comes in, even if you decide not to nurse. Talk to some women about their postpartum recovery and you’ll see what I mean (It’s nothing terrible, just not stuff you want to deal with when you have a male guest at your house) Maybe you could hint at this to your MIL. She’s probably forgotten what it was like.

I think etiquette and practicality dictate that the mom’s mother is first to visit and the dad’s family comes when appropriate.

All things I actually never thought of! I do plan on breast feeding and it’s something I’m nervous about being a first time mom. I have NO idea what to expect with it. So that makes perfect sense…I’m definitely going to want some privacy if it something I’m going to struggle with during those first few days/weeks.

 

[SamH]

You are not being at all unreasonable. And good for your husband for standing up to them. This will be a very important time for you, your husband, and your baby as a new family.

It sounds like the husband is doing his job.

Reading the original post is sounds like BOTH grandpa and grandma want to stay for a week or so - what is he going to do?

My mom stayed for 3 days when my wife came home from the hospital (she did not want her mother to stay - she can’t keep house for herself and her husband - she would have been worse than useless in our home). At first my wife didn’t want anyone to stay and help but the birth turned into an emergancy c-section after 14 hours of labor and when she came home from the hospital she needed real help - not a visitor she had to entertain.

She came home from the hospital on a Friday and it was just the two of us and the baby the first weekend, my mom arrived Monday morning after I had gone to work. By Wednesday she felt recovered enough to handle it on her own.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

You will all be happy to know that I happened to talk to my MIL just yesterday. We were on the phone about something completely different than what I posted about. She asked me what our plans were as far as if we wanted people to be at the hospital when I’m in labor. (DH and I had discussed what our plans would be this past weekend so that we would be fully prepared to relay them to anyone who might ask. Of course, I was expecting him to do the relaying with his family, but nonetheless it worked out very well in our favor) I told her that DH and I had both agreed that while I’m in the labor and delivery room, I did not want any visitors other than my DH. He’s my support person and truthfully, I just don’t want a big crowd around when I’m in pain. We agreed that if anyone wanted to come to the hospital and wait in the waiting room then that would be a choice that they would have to make for themselves. Everyone is aware that it could be quite a while before the baby is born from the time I’m actually admitted. My MIL was totally fine with this. She even urged me to be honest with her about what our expectations are so that she wouldn’t cross any boundaries. That definitely made me feel better!

I also discussed with her how we would be handling things after coming home. I told her that many family members have offered DH and I to come over and help with chores or cook us a meal. We’ve told each and every one of them the same thing. “Thank you so much for the generosity. If/when we do need any help we will definitely let you know.” I told her the same thing. I’m not saying we won’t need any help at all when we go home. I’m a first time mom and this is completely new to me; however, I don’t want to be making plans for that at the moment. I also expressed to her that we did not want any over night visitors. Our apartment is crammed enough, and we live on campus in Family Housing where we’re not even allowed extended visitors. She expressed understanding about this as well and said that she thinks we’re going about everything the right way. It kinda threw me off for a minute, because just last week they were pushing that this was something we NEEDED to do but now it seems they’re singing a different tune. I’m definitely not complaining though. I like to assume maybe MIL and FIL took some time to think about it and decided to respect whatever wishes we have when it comes to the baby.

So thanks to everyone for all of the replies and prayers! Every post and bit of information was extremely helpful to me! I can always count on my CAF friends to give me good advice and keep things in perspective for me! Sorry about the long post! Hugs & Prayers to all of you!!!

 

[SwizzleStick]

My DH and I have been married for what will be a year next month. We are currently expecting our first child sometime around the end of July/early August. We’re being faced with somewhat a bit of criticism from my DH’s parents about whether or not we’re capable of taking care of the baby ourselves the first few weeks after giving birth. I’m completely grateful that they’ve offered their help in case we need a little break from the baby; however, I can’t help but feel like they’re trying to convince us that it’s impossible to do on our own. I’m in no way naive enough to believe that having a baby is going to be a piece of cake. I just feel like their a little out of line because they keep trying to convince us that it’s pertinent to practically move in for the first week to help us. My DH has told them that he doesn’t feel comfortable with that idea because it will obviously take some adjusting for us once we come home from the hospital with the baby and having others staying with us (in our very small 2 bedroom apartment) seems a little crammed. They don’t seem to like that idea very much and are constantly trying to convince us otherwise. I think my feelings are also a little hurt because, I too have parents and it seems like my in-laws believe that only they should be entitled to come over and help. We’ve stated that if we do feel the need for help we will let anyone know when the time comes; however, it’s not something we’re planning for ahead of time. I’m praying about this constantly because I don’t want to be an uncharitable daughter-in-law. Am I just suffering from a crazy dose of pregnancy hormones?? I should add that this is their first grandchild so I know some of their expectations is probably coming from the excitement of being grandparents for the first time (sometimes in a weird way, like when my MIL calls the baby HER baby in this really weird way). Sorry for the long rant! Any advice/prayers would be appreciated!

Congratulations to you and your husband on the impending arrival of your baby!

As to your issue, how close in distance do your in-laws live? If they live close, maybe they could visit an hour or two in those early weeks a time or two a week to see their new grandchild and not stay, but still help you and hubby out with dinner, laundry, shopping? If they do not live close, I’d suggest they postpone a visit until you and hubby and baby have a chance to bond as a family and get into a routine at home together.

When my children were born, my lovely mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law brought a couple of casseroles after each birth. They also helped get the older children to school by the time my last child was born. My parents and sisters came to visit and hold the baby the Sunday after we came home from the hospital and stayed for just a couple of hours. While we didn’t really need help and would have been fine without any help at all, I appreciated the food and help with transportation for the older kids. Maybe in your case you would appreciate help with food, laundry, housekeeping, shopping without actually having anyone stay in your home with you? But, I think you will be fine without it.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Congratulations to you and your husband on the impending arrival of your baby!

As to your issue, how close in distance do your in-laws live? If they live close, maybe they could visit an hour or two in those early weeks a time or two a week to see their new grandchild and not stay, but still help you and hubby out with dinner, laundry, shopping? If they do not live close, I’d suggest they postpone a visit until you and hubby and baby have a chance to bond as a family and get into a routine at home together.

When my children were born, my lovely mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law brought a couple of casseroles after each birth. They also helped get the older children to school by the time my last child was born. My parents and sisters came to visit and hold the baby the Sunday after we came home from the hospital and stayed for just a couple of hours. While we didn’t really need help and would have been fine without any help at all, I appreciated the food and help with transportation for the older kids. Maybe in your case you would appreciate help with food, laundry, housekeeping, shopping without actually having anyone stay in your home with you? But, I think you will be fine without it.

Thank you so much! My husband and I are truly excited about this new little adventure we’re about to embark on To answer your question, my in-laws live about 45 minutes away and my parents live about 30 minutes away. So it isn’t too far for either family to make a trip to see us and it’s definitely not far enough where either family would need to stay over night.

I think if I were to be able to pick the kind of help I get (lol) I would most appreciate some general housekeeping and food as you stated. My mom has already told me that when I’m ready she and my aunt will come and clean our apartment (which isn’t very big at all) and cook me and DH a nice meal. That alone made me feel at ease.

 

[aicirt]

I have to respectfully agree with cmscms. I do love my MIL very dearly, but the relationship I have with her and the relationship I have with my own mother are two totally different ones. But I must commend you on being able to enjoy the party you were thrown. That seems like such a sweet gesture that your landlord paid you and your husband. I tend to be more on the “please give me my privacy” side.

Yes, it was an unexpected gesture. When we arrived home, he had hung a WWII banner out “WELCOME HOME SON”. Then they all came out to see the new baby. After we got settled, the MIL and aunts came, my Mom, and the godfather with his wife, his folks and her folks all bearing presents. And the landlord announced he had dinner for all at his place.

This was not something I had anticipated. And I don’t think there was any way for me to say, “please, give me my privacy.” Do you?

Did I know my Mom better than my MIL? Certainly. Who doesn’t? But the first ones to get to hold the baby was my MIL because my Mom had already held him in the hospital.

 

[aicirt]

If I can be honest here, I do struggle with those feelings sometimes. However, I would never act on them. I am closer with my family, naturally; however, I would never not allow my in-laws to be a part of the baby’s life. I agree with you, that this is something people struggle with at times. I know in my case, it isn’t something intentional. I don’t want to make things difficult with them at all. It’s something I’ve been praying about consistently and have been working through.

Good! I really mean that.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Yes, it was an unexpected gesture. When we arrived home, he had hung a WWII banner out “WELCOME HOME SON”. Then they all came out to see the new baby. After we got settled, the MIL and aunts came, my Mom, and the godfather with his wife, his folks and her folks all bearing presents. And the landlord announced he had dinner for all at his place.

This was not something I had anticipated. And I don’t think there was any way for me to say, “please, give me my privacy.” Do you?

Did I know my Mom better than my MIL? Certainly. Who doesn’t? But the first ones to get to hold the baby was my MIL because my Mom had already held him in the hospital.

Yeah, I def don’t think I could refuse such a nice gesture like that as well. No matter how uncomfortable it made me. Sounds like he put alot of thought into it which was very sweet.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You will all be happy to know that I happened to talk to my MIL just yesterday. We were on the phone about something completely different than what I posted about. She asked me what our plans were as far as if we wanted people to be at the hospital when I’m in labor. (DH and I had discussed what our plans would be this past weekend so that we would be fully prepared to relay them to anyone who might ask. Of course, I was expecting him to do the relaying with his family, but nonetheless it worked out very well in our favor) I told her that DH and I had both agreed that while I’m in the labor and delivery room, I did not want any visitors other than my DH. He’s my support person and truthfully, I just don’t want a big crowd around when I’m in pain. We agreed that if anyone wanted to come to the hospital and wait in the waiting room then that would be a choice that they would have to make for themselves. Everyone is aware that it could be quite a while before the baby is born from the time I’m actually admitted. My MIL was totally fine with this. She even urged me to be honest with her about what our expectations are so that she wouldn’t cross any boundaries. That definitely made me feel better!

I also discussed with her how we would be handling things after coming home. I told her that many family members have offered DH and I to come over and help with chores or cook us a meal. We’ve told each and every one of them the same thing. “Thank you so much for the generosity. If/when we do need any help we will definitely let you know.” I told her the same thing. I’m not saying we won’t need any help at all when we go home. I’m a first time mom and this is completely new to me; however, I don’t want to be making plans for that at the moment. I also expressed to her that we did not want any over night visitors. Our apartment is crammed enough, and we live on campus in Family Housing where we’re not even allowed extended visitors. She expressed understanding about this as well and said that she thinks we’re going about everything the right way. It kinda threw me off for a minute, because just last week they were pushing that this was something we NEEDED to do but now it seems they’re singing a different tune. I’m definitely not complaining though. I like to assume maybe MIL and FIL took some time to think about it and decided to respect whatever wishes we have when it comes to the baby.

So thanks to everyone for all of the replies and prayers! Every post and bit of information was extremely helpful to me! I can always count on my CAF friends to give me good advice and keep things in perspective for me! Sorry about the long post! Hugs & Prayers to all of you!!!

Well done! I am glad that your MIL seems to be respecting your boundaries at last!

When our first was born, I had a friend who forced herself onto us…She was a neonatal nurse and quite pushy…I didn’t know how to say no, and I thought I might need some help. (My own mom died when I was 10, MIL is in England, stepmom in another state, etc.) It was a NIGHTMARE! She kept taking over the baby and telling me what to do! Just like I was a child and she was the adult who knew everything! She stayed for 2 days and they were 2 of the longest days of my life! She meant well, but it was hell! She thought she was helping when actually, it was dreadful…



Once she left, our brand new family got to actually bond.

 

[CajunsforChrist]

Well done! I am glad that your MIL seems to be respecting your boundaries at last!

When our first was born, I had a friend who forced herself onto us…She was a neonatal nurse and quite pushy…I didn’t know how to say no, and I thought I might need some help. (My own mom died when I was 10, MIL is in England, stepmom in another state, etc.) It was a NIGHTMARE! She kept taking over the baby and telling me what to do! Just like I was a child and she was the adult who knew everything! She stayed for 2 days and they were 2 of the longest days of my life! She meant well, but it was hell! She thought she was helping when actually, it was dreadful…



Once she left, our brand new family got to actually bond.

Oh gosh! That sounds so terrible lol although she meant well, that seems like such a frustrating situation. I’m glad your little family got bonding time though I think that’s a really important step after having the baby. It’s something that’s very important to me.