In-Law Troubles and Not Even Married Yet

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joandarc2008 said:
So I have decided to humble down a lot. My MIL is going to be invited to attend all of the pre-wedding bridal stuff like hair, makeup, etc. so that my stepdaughter can attend. It is the only way she will let her. 😊 I am a little apprehensive but I am putting my faith in the Lord and asking for a little bit of help and prayer here. I also help that maybe attending a sacrament will soften them a bit and maybe make my in-laws realize that we are a couple and this is for real and I am not going anywhere.
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Good for you. Good for everyone.
Humbling down is always an excellent decision.

The fact that all in the family will witness you and your fiance enter a Sacramental marriage is an enormous grace for everybody. It should cancel out lots of difficult memories.
 
Hello everyone,

My fiance had a long talk with his parents this weekend. They apologized for much of the grief that they have caused. They also apologized to him for bringing the subject of adoption up to his daughter before making sure he was for the idea. Much understanding was reached. They invited us to a peace dinner two weeks from now and he accepted so we will be going. They want to get to know me with the issues between their son and them laid to rest. I hope that this will be the fresh start we all need. Thank you for your love and support in this room. God bless you all.

👍
 
joandarc2008 said:
Hello everyone,

My fiance had a long talk with his parents this weekend. They apologized for much of the grief that they have caused. They also apologized to him for bringing the subject of adoption up to his daughter before making sure he was for the idea. Much understanding was reached. They invited us to a peace dinner two weeks from now and he accepted so we will be going. They want to get to know me with the issues between their son and them laid to rest. I hope that this will be the fresh start we all need. Thank you for your love and support in this room. God bless you all.

👍
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GREAT NEWS–THANKS FOR SHARING!

:extrahappy:
 
joandarc2008 said:
Hello everyone,

My fiance had a long talk with his parents this weekend. They apologized for much of the grief that they have caused. They also apologized to him for bringing the subject of adoption up to his daughter before making sure he was for the idea. Much understanding was reached. They invited us to a peace dinner two weeks from now and he accepted so we will be going. They want to get to know me with the issues between their son and them laid to rest. I hope that this will be the fresh start we all need. Thank you for your love and support in this room. God bless you all.

👍
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Beautiful report. Thanks so much.
 
joandarc2008 said:
Hello everyone,

I have never done anything like this but I hope you can understand my need for it. My fiance and I are incredibly close and love each other very much. 😃 We have a healthy, respectful relationship and are currently going through Pre-CANA. We have both received nullities of form for our previous marriages and cannot wait to take our sacraments together in order to have a life before God.

The problem is that the only thing that we have ever really fought about is his parents and his daughter. His daughter was adopted by his parents earlier this year as she had been living with them for many years. It was what she wanted. We came to find out after the fact that there were many lies told to her about us and mainly about me. :mad:

It seems that since she was preganant with her oldest child at 16 and always been a mother she has not learned to let go of her motherly role of her 30 year old son. She does not like me at all and seems like she was never prepared to accept me. She has made very abusive comments to me. She consistently degrades the way that I dress saying that it is too provocative in public and in front of my stepdaughter even though they are clothes that I shopped for with my own mother and even OK’d with my fiance before going over to the house as I know my future mother-in-law is overly critical. 😊

My fiance and I do live together which is wrong but we have many reasons for it and we are reconciling that through our sacraments. I don’t believe that you make ammends for an action by saying you are sorry - you make ammends for an action by taking corrective action. This confession is between my confessor, my deacon, and my priest and us. Instead of us speaking their peace and agreeing to disagree they have been abusive on the subject. One time when I was over my fiance was speaking to his daughter privately and my future father-in-law who rarely says two words to me popped in an EWTN special “Romance without Regret” about celibacy. I found this very out of place and a violation of boundaries.

Things really came to head one day when the adoption was being discussed and we were trying to discuss the boundary issues that we felt they violated with her that made him uncomfortable signing papers. This included things like telling her about the engagement before we had an opportunity to. This also included things like limiting his visitation (although never stated) to only at the house unless I was not involved. They got very defensive. It blew up. As we were leaving my future mother-in-law tried to hit me in the back of the head with a framed formal pic of my fiance and I that we had given her as a gift. With ten years in the Army I did not feel the need to fight, I simply evaded the hit, stepped back and told her if she took another swing she was going to go to jail. :eek:

We ended up having to take them to court for visitation. The only reason my fiance signed the agreement was that he saw how much the fighting is tearing her apart. In Kings it talks about the mothers that were fighting over the child. He chose to give his child up rather than have her ripped in half. We have a post adoption agreement for visitation but things have been very hard. My in-laws stated that they did not want to see me or hear anything I had to say. However they did want to come to the wedding. My stepdaughter was supposed to be a junior bridesmaid but my mother-in-law has put her foot down and said that she will need to be included in any activities (hair, makeup, nails, bachelorette dinner- not party) that my stepdaughter is included in. I want peace for her sake. So I told my fiance yes. Then he asked my in-laws three questions.

Were they happy for us? Were they happy for him? Were they happy for our union in the eyes of the Lord?

They waited five days to answer those questions and then told him they couldn’t. My fiance is through with it. He told them the response they did give him was insulting. their response was to try to schedule an appointment with the family therapist we all being seperately together. He put his foot down and said no. It has gone on long enough and he feels that he will no longer put me in the position to be abused. The hard part is is that his father is doing all of this from the position of a eucharistic minister. We are all Catholic but our contextual beliefs differ on certain issues. We are also adults.

My fiance is also going to tell his parents that they are no longer invited to a wedding that they do not support. He especially does not want them there for my personal time with my friends and family prior to the wedding as his mother very rarely hold her tongue.

My question is this. I am very proud of my fiance for making this comittment to our marriage. How can I make this easier on him as I know on some level it hurts?

Thank you and God Bless
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Sorry to hear of your troubles. Truthfully, you’re in for a rough ride. Hostile step-kids and in-laws are common fare, however, and you’ll probably survive. Just be prepared for some serious conflict. I’ve been there, big time.
 
I don’t doubt that but I thank you for the warning. We were talking to our deacon about this and I think this is just God’s way of testing the relationship thus far to make sure we were both ready. If we weren’t we never would have made this far and certainly not to the alter. We love each other to the point where NO MATTER WHAT we just need to remember that God comes first, us second, and everything else we can figure out later. God Bless,
 
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joandarc2008 said:
I don’t doubt that but I thank you for the warning. We were talking to our deacon about this and I think this is just God’s way of testing the relationship thus far to make sure we were both ready. If we weren’t we never would have made this far and certainly not to the alter. We love each other to the point where NO MATTER WHAT we just need to remember that God comes first, us second, and everything else we can figure out later. God Bless,
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I lived a similar situation. I was the one with two kids. 16 and 10 then.

My husband, my fiance then just didn’t visit my house. I was living with my parents, not with him. My parents knew we had plans to get married and completely opposed. They and my brother and sisters would talk to my kids against the both of us.

As I told you, my husband just didn’t visit the house. We had a very small wedding, as someone suggested you, and I let my family know about it although not required their presence.

To my surprise, they showed up in good terms. You could feel some tension at the beginning but, with time, it began to fade.

My oldest son didn’t attend the wedding along with my brother and two sisters. It hurt my feelings but I never forced anyone to attend. He stayed at my parent’s for a year and a half more. My youngest son moved with us.

The oldest one moved with us when he was 18 and was fine with us, probably because he was reaching adulthood. But the youngest one, who moved with us, gave us a hard time for many years. He just began to actually be part of the new family a few month ago and he is now 18.

I mention this because your fiance’s daughter is 10 like my youngest son was when we married. There might be much more storms coming up.

I would say your best bet is to stay away from his family as much as possible like my husband did. Also, stay away from the relationship between your fiance and his daughter. That’s another thing my husband did. Make sure, from a distance, that you are there and that you love her and respect her as your fiance’s daughter and be patience.

I read somewhere that kids adjust to parent’s marriages in as many years as their age is when that marriage happens. For example, if she is 10, it’s going to take her 10 years to adjust. I think that is pretty much true because my son was 10 and he is adjusting now that he is 18.

Hope it helps!
 
Wow, I am hoping that the situation turns out a little bit better. The in-laws seems to be coming around. We are having both our parents as guests to hall of fame dinner that he was nominated for in a couple of weeks as well. His daughter seemed to really like me until all of this stuff with the in laws. My df is hoping that things between me and her will probably get back to where they were as we have time to spend together and the in-laws have promised to start giving me the “adult” type respect in front of her. Part of this is that she is very involved in the church and she has caught my MIL in some major lies after the adoption was done. It really isn’t a good situation to put her in but some of the truth was easier on her. It has been heart wrenching at times. However in some cases when we prayed about it telling her the truth was the kind thing. For instance, my MIL only told my DF the night before that she was scheduled for tonsil surgery. His partner was out of the country. If he had 24 more hours notice he could have gotten coverage and been there. However, because of that he could not. She had known for weeks. She was very upset and thought her father didn’t care enough to come see her even though he saw her the first day she was home. After finding out how much it had affected her we felt the truth needed to be told as it is not right for a child to believe falsely their parent does not care about them. God bless.
 
The peace dinner this weekend went well. They are actually excited to be having my stepdaughter read at our wedding even though she won’t be a bridesmaid. She will be doing our new testament reading. My FIL to be actually jumped on the opportunity to say Yes (getting to know the dynamics I think he was trying to save my MIL from saying anything stupid). On Monday my parents who will be on town will be going to their house and myself, my fiance, my stepdaughter, my parents, and my in-laws will all be having dinner together. Also my fiance has been nominated for a big hall of fame and both sets of parents will be at that banquet and they even asked if they could come see me fight in the state championships earlier that day. We said we would happy to have them. We are also thinking of having them for Thanksgiving dinner at our new home if things continue to go well. It is amazing how the power of God and prayer work. They said that they had this epiphany while they were on a discipleship retreat dealing with the Holy Spirit where all of a sudden they realized the Church was saying things to them that their son had been saying for years. God is amazing and He can do anything.

God Bless,
 
OK everyone my MIL and I got into it again tonight. My mother was there. My mother’s take on it was that I put out my position on how I felt about things very calmly and my MIL said a lot of things that my mother didn’t even appreciate. My fiance and I are having a hard time getting through this right now but it is what is and God will take care of it. It started about my fiance’s daughter referring to her grandparents as Mom and Dad in front of my fiance. They allow this and encourage it. Before anyone goes off please read all my prior explanantions. This under here is why I feel the way I feel and why I feel ultimately this will cause problems for my stepdaughter in the future.

This is a very unorganized thesis but here goes:

2197 The fourth commandment opens the second table of the Decalogue. It shows us the order of charity. God has willed that, after him, we should honor our parents to whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God. We are obliged to honor and respect all those whom God, for our good, has vested with his authority.

Notice this does does not say to whom has adopted us or to whom has raised us it says “to whom we owe life.” This is the first descriptive role of the parent.

2199 The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it.

While agree in this statement in this statement it does show the ultimate affection towards ALL family it makes mention of only one relationship in particular which is Parent which is again defined in 2197.

The nature of the family

2201 The conjugal community is established upon the consent of the spouses. Marriage and the family are ordered to the good of the spouses and to the procreation and education of children. The love of the spouses and the begetting of children create among members of the same family personal relationships and primordial responsibilities.

2202 A man and a woman united in marriage, together with their children, form a family. This institution is prior to any recognition by public authority, which has an obligation to recognize it. It should be considered the normal reference point by which the different forms of family relationship are to be evaluated. 2203 In creating man and woman, God instituted the human family and endowed it with its fundamental constitution. Its members are persons equal in dignity. For the common good of its members and of society, the family necessarily has manifold responsibilities, rights, and duties. While showing that we have many obligations to many instiutions there is only one block recognized by the catechism as family and that is the mother and father joined in marriage. Not even the extended family is part of this reference point.

2209 The family must be helped and defended by appropriate social measures. Where families cannot fulfill their responsibilities, other social bodies have the duty of helping them and of supporting the institution of the family. Following the principle of subsidiarity, larger communities should take care not to usurp the family’s prerogatives or interfere in its life.

While I agree and thank the Grandparents wholeheartedly for taking her in when in the “family could not fulfill it’s responsibilities” the larger community that had the DUTY to help which in this case was the extended family did usurp the repsonsibility by adopting after both the mother and father were able to care for her. Yes, the adoption is done. However, the use of “mom” and “dad” takes away from fillial piety that is talked about later in the fourth commandment. It is this fillial piety to the one that gave life that creates harmony within a child that will keep her within the church in the long term. This is the teaching of the fourth commandment. It is no wonder that children that have “disharmony” from broken homes do not have the internal harmony that is required for spirituality. Yes, the home has been broken and further according the church was never valid. These are things we cannot expect a ten year old to understand. That is why I do liken asking a ten year old what she wants as far as where she lives or what she calls her Grandparents (who do deserve respect from her for fulfilling their duty under the fourth commandment) to asking her if she would like to try sex, drugs, or another ice cream for dinner. They can all have negative impacts on her later in life that she is incapable of comprehending at her current stage of development. I do believe that the Burt’s did their best to do what was right. Unfortunately sometimes the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
 
Well, after all this time, it is odd that you should post this, but I am going to make my re-entry into CAF on your post.

I adopted my granddaughters. I know other Catholic parents who have adopted related children. I have to tell you, I think your opinion of the fourth commandment is a tad skewed. ::ducking:: If my eldest, their biomother, were to come with me with such a proposition, that I was not their mother under the fourth commandment and not entitled to to the title “Mom” based on the commandments, I would probably roll on the floor with laughter. If she had a fiance who came to me with such thought, I would tell him to leave my house.

I have read through your posts on this matter. I think you have a problem with the fact that your in-laws adopted the young woman who is your fiance’s biological child. Admittedly, your future MIL has a bit of an attitude problem.

However, legally, and as far as the Church is concerned as well (and I will direct you in a minute to what I have on the Church and adoption), your in-laws are now her parents. They ARE her mother and father. She WILL, and should, call them Mom and Dad (My younger two alternate between that and “Non and Pop”).

The Catholic Church has long fostered adoption. In the US in the 19th and 20th century, the Church was one of the first places a foundling was taken. As one of the links to which I will direct you states, adoption occured among the Hebrews not by mere law, which would have made the child property, a slave; but by COVENANT, by vows and promises believed to be stronger than biology.
http://www.nccbuscc.org/prolife/programs/rlp//97rlpdes.shtml

The Church so respects adoption that it treats the adoptive parents on the child’s baptismal certificate as if they were the only parents, and the adoptive parents are not mentioned.
nccbuscc.org/norms/877-3.htm

St. Paul calls us to an adoptive relationship with God the Father, namely sonship. We are all God’s adoptive children when we are baptized. Therefore, I can hardly think God’s Church would have a negative attitude toward adoptive parents.

The larger community does not legally take the place of the extended family; in fact, in most states, adoption of related persons is easier than those who are not of the same bloodline. Further, in ancient Israel, people still lived in tribes, although they were settled tribes. Those tribes consisted of extended family. They also had widows marrying their dead husband’s brother(s) to perpetuate his issue, meaning the first-born of the new union was indeed the dead man’s son, a form of necro-adoption.

When you mention 2197 of the CCC, you don’t take into acocunt that not only are they her legal parents, but her biological grandparents.

What it boils down to is this- It rankles you big time that the kid calls her adoptive parents Mom and Dad. There is nothing you can do about that.

You are not married yet, right? You are on the outside, just getting in. If the kid is 10, she has been going through this for most of her life. I would tread lightly if I was in your situation. You only have your fiance’s side of the story, and you don’t seem to be inclined to listen to other sides of the matter.

Other than that, once you are married, you have no duty to his parents other than food, clothing and shelter- and those don’t have to be yours, do not have to be filet mignon while you eat beans, and don’t have to be designer while you wear Goodwill. Your fiance and you don’t seem to be able to get along with them. Perhaps it is time to consider the matter of creating some distance.

I’m going to go do some more research on the matter of adoptive parents and the Fourth Commandment. I suggest you go talk with your priest regarding the matter, and see what he thinks about your exegesis of the 4th. Other than that, I pray for you, and have been since I started my lurk status. You seem to be in a tough situation.

%between%
 
I have spoken to the priest about this and he says that my thoughts on this matter are correct due to a couple things:
  1. The child chose adoption under false pretenses. By the state laws here and most other states this creates a “duress” issue on the parent terminating the rights which could be followed up with a complete nullification of the adoption. However, this created undue stress on the child. This is not needed.
  2. Only one of the grandparents is his actual parent. Their unified complete lack of honesty in this matter has almost cost my fiance his life already due to a genetic disorder. He is one of only two documented cases that has beaten this particular disorder without a transplant and even knowing that they still lied and went through all the testing thinking it wouldn’t come out in the wash. And by the way it is a very big deal because he is their second child FROM THE MARRIAGE. It explained the beatings my df got from his “father” as a kid.
  3. From a psychological angle and I know many kids that were raised by their grandparents. Very few of them called their grandparents Mom and Dad. Especially when Mother and Father were still in the picture. I think I had it best explained by a friend who said it created boundaries in her life. It taught her roles and that you couldn’t just “put” people in roles that they were not in because that was not how life worked. This should not be too tough a lesson for a ten year old. It certainly wasn’t for a five year old. As it is this child in question already has issues with adults and boundaries. She sees herself as an adult and believes that she can pick who the proper authority figures are and are not in her life. This has extended to teachers and other members of the family. It also is shown on her progress reports.
Please don’t get me wrong I do thank them for helping when they were needed but the God’s honest truth is I don’t know many parents who wouldn’t if their son is not able to take his child back due to a terminal illness that their adultery caused in the first place. I would think if a miracle occurred and your child recovered you would try to make that transition as easy as possible and move on and enjoy your retired life and golden years.

This is also not a case of non-support either. We have offered plenty of money - all refused and even were going to add her to my health insurance which was ten times better than what they had. They said no out of pride - this is what they wanted. They stole a child and that is the long and short of it.

I’m sorry if I sound angry - I am. I hope that she does not grow up thinking she can do the same thing. This is the third child this woman has tried to take custody of in her life time. We are only trying to save this child from a lot of future pain.

God bless with lots of love to everyone,
 
And please don’t anyone get me wrong - adoption is a beautiful thing when it is done as a covenant and a work of God and the Holy Spirit. My fiance and I plan on adopting an older child. However, we plan on adopting a child whose parents are completely out of the picture or are unable to care for them. I would never break that spiritual bond that is given between a child and those that gave that child life. I truly believe there is a big difference between taking a child into your family and making them one with that unit who has no family and sneaking, lying, and maneuvering to keep a parent from building a relationship with a child and then seperating a child from those parents.
 
I have to disagree with you on this “Mom” and “Dad” thing as well. I was raised by my mom and my step-dad…he is my dad and the man who was married to my mother and by whom I was conceived is my biological father. Usually I refer to him as my “Father”. “Dad” to me is a casual term used to describe the man (and likewise with “Mom” the woman) that is the one that gets up with you in the night if you are ill, that reads to you before going to sleep, the one that you call if you are scared or angry or hurt, the one that is there EVERY DAY doing small, menial tasks. Yes your fiance is her father…but is he REALLY her dad? Any male who has reached puberty can father a child…but not every father can be a dad.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I take this personally. I was not adopted by my step-dad even though I asked. He thought I’d get married and it wouldn’t make a difference anyway 🤷 .
 
joandarc2008 said:
I have spoken to the priest about this and he says that my thoughts on this matter are correct due to a couple things And your priest has read the USCCB views on adoption?
  1. The child chose adoption under false pretenses. By the state laws here and most other states this creates a “duress” issue on the parent terminating the rights which could be followed up with a complete nullification of the adoption.Interesting. Then why doesn’t your fiance try to have the adoption vacated? It is done here in Illinois when such a thing has happened.
  2. Only one of the grandparents is his actual parent. Their unified complete lack of honesty in this matter has almost cost my fiance his life already due to a genetic disorder. He is one of only two documented cases that has beaten this particular disorder without a transplant and even knowing that they still lied and went through all the testing thinking it wouldn’t come out in the wash. And by the way it is a very big deal because he is their second child FROM THE MARRIAGE. It explained the beatings my df got from his “father” as a kid. Is this man’s name on your fiance’s birth certificate? Then he’s his legal father.
    If the father is an abuser, then you really either need to put some distance between the two of you and them, or you need to get the adoption vacated.
  3. From a psychological angle and I know many kids that were raised by their grandparents. Very few of them called their grandparents Mom and Dad.Especially when Mother and Father were still in the picture. You must not know as many as I do in my grandparents’ raising grandchildren group, because that’s one of the first things a kid asks to do, call the grandparents Mom and Dad. Where is your proof that this is psychologically damaging? What doctor? What group? I think I had it best explained by a friend who said it created boundaries in her life. It taught her roles and that you couldn’t just “put” people in roles that they were not in because that was not how life worked.if that were so, adoptions in this country would’ve stopped a long time ago. This should not be too tough a lesson for a ten year old. It certainly wasn’t for a five year old. As it is this child in question already has issues with adults and boundaries. She sees herself as an adult and believes that she can pick who the proper authority figures are and are not in her life. This has extended to teachers and other members of the family. It also is shown on her progress reports. This is your business at this point…why?
Please don’t get me wrong I do thank them for helping when they were needed but the God’s honest truth is I don’t know many parents who wouldn’t if their son is not able to take his child back due to a terminal illness that their adultery caused in the first place. I would think if a miracle occurred and your child recovered you would try to make that transition as easy as possible and move on and enjoy your retired life and golden years. Maybe they know something else you don’t. maybe they want to offer stability to this child. And maybe they didn’t mention the adultery because at the time, they didn’t think it mattered. It’s not something about which to be proud, and not something to share with the kids.

This is also not a case of non-support either. We have offered plenty of money - all refused and even were going to add her to my health insurance which was ten times better than what they had. They said no out of pride - this is what they wanted. YOU & he offered financial help. At this point, you do not have any say in the matter, as you are not yet his wife. They stole a child and that is the long and short of it. Without the other side of the issue, none of us here knows that for sure. As the mother of a bipolar alcoholic, I wonder what the other side of the story is. I’ve heard I’ve stolen my grandchildren on occasion. Trust me, I can think of many other things to do with my time than raise children. I took them because they were neglected so severely, and I am their grandmother.

I’m sorry if I sound angry - I am. I hope that she does not grow up thinking she can do the same thing. This is the third child this woman has tried to take custody of in her life time. We are only trying to save this child from a lot of future pain. Or this could be one of three children they’ve had the generosity to take in.

Really. You need to look good and long at this, because 1.) You are not yet married to the man, and you already have these problems. 2.) You seem very jealous of his parents for adopting her- at least that’s the way it seems here. You seem jealous of his mother in particularly. And you seem to want everybody to agree with you. I don’t.

You are coming into this family, just as your fiance is coming into yours. You really need to take a heavy, prolonged look in my opinion, and either marry the man quietly with just your family, eliminating your ties as a couple to his; or you need to make peace with them. But you can’t run the show for this child, unless your fiance is willing to go into court and have the matter vacated, presenting what you’ve said here as evidence.

I wish you the best, and will not be commenting further. I am almost postive that, despite asking for advice, you don’t want it. I’ve seen that before on CAF. Good things to you.

God bless with lots of love to everyone,
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PS: People between the ages of their late 40s and 50s are not old, and not in their golden years.
 
And I apologize to anyone in their forties and fifties I met no way to imply that was old - these grandparents are now in the late fifties which would put them in their sixties when she reaches eighteen and starts college which her father has already paid for. We have already started putting aside money for veteninary school or any other post secondary school she may wish to attend at that point. They are telling everyone that will listen their poor me stories about how they are going to bankruptcy. Yes, the grandfather’s name is on my fiance’s brith certificate and yes he has considered having that changed. Especially so when they told him bold face lies when it mattered medically. Aren’t we all supposed to preserve life? Especially the life of our children? That is pride with a price especially when the child is an adult. My fiance was well over medicated for two years to the point of being very able to walk due to having the wrong information. As far as having this vacated - I don’t know. It is something we have been doing much praying on. We worry about the stability aspect because of things she has been told. At this point it is a Catch 22. My In-laws apparently felt the need to discuss that the topic of “wife swapping” had come up with his genetic condition with my ten year old stepdaughter.

To those grandparents who have adopted in cases where the parent was unable to take care of a child hats off too you and God bless. This is not that case.

As far as how this is my business. One, the marriage is not that far off. At this point it is less than two months. Secondly her mother asked me to be because she now has two children of her own, is remarried and lives out of the area. In her own words she does not feel she has the strength or financial rescources to fight them. I think it is a sad world that I can get a long with the woman that my fiance had a teenage “indiscretion” with and has moved on from better than I can get along with my in-laws.

No, my fiance did not have the most put together young adulthood. I do know all about it. So do my parents - we have had long talks. However, it never involved drugs or alcohol. Part of it was that he lived homeless rather than deal with what was going on in his own home. His “father” changed and found God. I am glad for that. However, some of the most dangerous people are those that believe they are doing the right thing and push it on everyone around them. This has even gotten to the point that my MIL has made false accusations of abuse against me - they fell on deaf ears and my fiance told her she would end up with a slander suit on her if we heard it again due to our line of work. We haven’t heard it again. This is especially since I have rarely even been alone with her.

Yes, I read the CAF stuff. It all had to do with children that did not have parents who could or willing to raise them and i don’t see how it applies.
 
And I don’t know why people keep insisting that it has to be a small quiet ceremony just because HIS parents aren’t there. Mine will be. So will plenty of other members of HIS family that support the decisions he has made. The truth is that the grandparents while on the outside are “devout” are the blacksheep of the family. And it is not a question of them having more virtue than everyone else. It is a very Catholic family with very good people who have been open armed and welcoming to me. And as I type this I guess that is what I need to be thanking God for. He and I just talked and he is looking at the best solution being explaining the situation to her and cutting himself out until she is old enough to want to see him. It is painful for him but he won’t see her bounced around in the middle - he also won’t see her further confused and manipulated. If there is no one there to lie about than there should be no more stories. It is something we will talk about again with our deacon and priest both of which support the wedding completely and knowing what type of people they are said they were comfortable standing behind any decision we made with regards to their attendance at the sacrament. Also, we have many friends - one of our best friends is a friar who have supported us through this and it would be wrong to cut them out. This is our wedding day and anyone that does not believe that sacrament should be given should not be in attendance. Neither he or I will have that negativity or the need to walk on egg shells on that day. The only three people we should be worried about on that day are each and God. (Yes, I know God’s not a person but you catch my point - he is involved in every sacrament.)

God Bless
 
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