In-laws that hate their son's wife

[Christina009]

My in-laws hate me. This has been going on for about 13 yrs. now,but they hide it from my husband. The last straw was their last visit when I went to shake my father in-law’s hand to say goodbye,he turned his back on me. Right in front of other members of their family.
Of course as usual my husband was not paying attention to the world around him.
When my father-in law turned his back on me and left me standing there with my hand out pointing at his back, I looked right at my mother-in law. She just turned away pretending not to see,or maybe letting me know she couldn’t care less.
I have tried talking to them through out these many years. First I asked my mother in-law privately. If there was any thing wrong. She assured me nothing was wrong. She claims to love me so much.
Then when they kept sending me signals of hate. I decided to call them and ask again. I mentioned that I had noticed them acting differently around me then the way they acted when we first met. Again they said they love me and there is no problem.
One thing was on Mother’s day a few years ago. We called my mother in-law as usual on that special Sunday. I said Happy Mother’s day! She said Happy mother’s day back to me,but the tone of her voice sounded forced. Imagine someone holding her by the throat.
So two years ago I asked them to sit at the table with me and my husband. And I asked them if I had done something to make them angry. They assured me that there was nothing they could think of.
So I reminded them that one of my sister’s in-law had told me that I had upset my mother in-law during one of their visits.(this is something I had already mentined to them several times) And I again said that i was sorry for what ever I did. And I asked if they would accept my appology. My mother in-law said,“We accept your appology.” But they didn’t look at me or admit that there is a problem.
They are coming to visit our home. I am not excited about this visit at all. All I can think of was how my father in-law turned his back on me the last time we were together.
Sometimes I feel like staying in my room while they are here as much as possible.
Then sometimes I think that I should just pretend all is well since I have appologized over and over. I have to keep praying continuously because only the Lord can give me the strength to be around them or have a conversation with them.
I don’t ever want to ask them again if there is a problem because we all know that they will just lie. They claim to love me and then treat me like an outcast.
I know what happened. When my sister in-law told me what she knew, I realized that I had messed up big time. But how can we discuss a problem and get past it if they won’t admit that it exists.
I know you want to know what I did. My sister in-law doesn’t know the particulars,but she said my mother in-law was very upset.
I don’t know what happened for sure. I can only guess,since they won’t ever say there is a problem. My guess is that my mother in-law over heard me telling someone a few things about the family. I was very upset at my husband at the time. So that day I just let loose.
I said every mean thing I could come up with. One thing I said about my mother in-law is that I didn’t think she was a very good christian becaue she uses the “N” word. And I went on to say that it was very hard for me to teach my kids not to use such language when their own granny uses such words. My husband used to use the “n” word plus other words when referring to anyone who isn’t “white”. He doesn’t anymore,at least not around me. And the reason I feel that she heard me say that is because she doesn’t use the "n"word anymore. And she has caught herself in mid sentence a few times.
I’m pretty sure that’s why she doesn’t use the word because she over heard me talking about her.
As you can see this is getting pretty long,but I just had to get this off my chest.
By the way,as I said before,this was 13 yrs. ago. I am proud to say that my children have grown up to be good respectable young adults that don’t use words they heard their dad or granny use.
Pray for me and my in-laws. That this visit will go smoothly. I’m going to pray without ceasing.
I thank the Lord for my children. He watched over them and showed them the way of respect.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Aw, Christina…your thread brings tears to my eyes, you standing there with your hand outstretched and they don’t shake it!

:hug3:

So, they are mad at you because you call it like it is, I take? You’ve apologized…ok, yes, it can be considered impolite to talk about people behind their backs…I understand you were upset when you said it. But, it’s so past. Sounds like they are embarassed by their behavior, and they want to pin that on you. Calling people the ‘n’ word, is their problem, and they need to stop doing that…

You have apologized, and hopefully this will blow over at some point. You know, my dd has this program on one of her little e-gadgets…and it gives her tid bits of trivia each day…she read this one to me yeserday: The average person spends 30 YEARS of his/her life holding a grudge against a family member. THIRTY YEARS???

Hopefully, this won’t go on for another 17 years. But, you have done all you can. You apologized…keep praying about it, and hopefully, things will eventually get reconciled. But, my dh has two brothers who carry on like this…and it’s sad. There is no reason for this–but you have done everything you can do to make it better. Leave it in God’s hands now…He sees everything, and your efforts are not in vain.

In the meantime, I offer you my prayers. One question, what does your husband think about all of this? *

 

[Christina009]

*Aw, Christina…your thread brings tears to my eyes, you standing there with your hand outstretched and they don’t shake it!

:hug3:

So, they are mad at you because you call it like it is, I take? You’ve apologized…ok, yes, it can be considered impolite to talk about people behind their backs…I understand you were upset when you said it. But, it’s so past. Sounds like they are embarassed by their behavior, and they want to pin that on you. Calling people the ‘n’ word, is their problem, and they need to stop doing that…

You have apologized, and hopefully this will blow over at some point. You know, my dd has this program on one of her little e-gadgets…and it gives her tid bits of trivia each day…she read this one to me yeserday: The average person spends 30 YEARS of his/her life holding a grudge against a family member. THIRTY YEARS???

Hopefully, this won’t go on for another 17 years. But, you have done all you can. You apologized…keep praying about it, and hopefully, things will eventually get reconciled. But, my dh has two brothers who carry on like this…and it’s sad. There is no reason for this–but you have done everything you can do to make it better. Leave it in God’s hands now…He sees everything, and your efforts are not in vain.

In the meantime, I offer you my prayers. One question, what does your husband think about all of this? *

My husband doesn’t seem to take notice. Or he doesn’t care.
I tell him what happens and he just shruggs it off.
I couldn’t believe it when he told me that he didn’t even notice what his father did that time when he turned his back on me. My husband was just behind me,but talking to one of his relatives. So apparantly he wasn’t paying attention to what his dad was doing at the time.
The time his mother said,“happy mother’s day” in that sour tone,he didn’t hear it because I was on the phone with her. Now I use speaker phone whenever they are on the line. That way I know he will hear what goes on. Of course they behave when they know he is listening.
this past year only his parents sent us a Christmas card of his immediate family. He has a brother and a sister,who can afford to buy stamps. If I can afford to send out Christmas cards they can too. But they didn’t send us one. I’m pretty sure it’s all because I said something about my mother in-law.
Next year I guess I won’t send Christmas cards out either.
I guess it’s safe to say that my husband doesn’t care or he doesn’t believe it’s as bad as I feel it is.
Since this has been going on for years. It seems as if every time I tried to make things better by talking to them about what was going on. Things just got worse. My in-laws apparantly would talk about how I was trying to get them to talk about what happened so I could appologize and we could move on. There are so many things that have happened right in front of my husband. But when I try to talk to him about it later on, he claims not to have noticed. One time we were at a dinner with the whole family. One of his nieces was sitting across from me. I asked her a question,just to make conversation. “How’s it going?” She just looked at her food pretending not not hear me. Then she asked my son who was next to me a question. My son answered. So I again I tried again to make conversation. She ignored me. Her husband said her name as if to say,“She is talking to you.” and she looked at him and told him to mnd his own business. This all happened across from my husband. He was on the other side of my son. Later on while driving home I told my husband what happened and he just looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about.
This is why I need prayer. My husband is in his own world.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I don’t know what to make of it, except to say that the parents are not happy that you said what you said many moons ago, they are embarassed, and this is their way of carrying it on…it’s a shame, you sound like such a nice person that they are missing out on getting to know and have a loving relationship with.

I will pray for you that things will get better…sooner than later, and that your husband might start sticking up for you, and taking notice. I know that troubles you, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. My prayers are with you…(((hugs)))*

 

[maryjk]

I am been dealing with something very similar for over 19 years.

First thing to do is to make sure your husband understands what is going on. I got him to see it, before we were married. I didn’t want to have to deal with it all alone.

This is what I did and what I think you need to do.
The next time you see them: Hold your husband’s hand. Do not leave his side. Talk to him before hand, so he knows what is going on. Every time something happens, squeeze his hand. When you father-in-law turns his back, squeeze. When your mother-in-law says something nasty, squeeze. When your father-in-law is mean, squeeze. If you can keep it up and stay together, trust me, your husband will have a sore hand by the end of the evening. Mine did.

After he saw what was happening, he could support me. I felt like I could talk to him about the stuff that happened.

For us, it is all moot point. His parents “disowned” us in September of last year. So there hasn’t been contact since. Although I feel bad for my husband, I have to say, it is a weight off my shoulders.

 

[aggiecatholic05]

Christina009, if you changed son’s wife to daughter’s husband and threw in some death threats(them not me) i would have thought i wrote this post. i have sympathy and understanding, but somehow not much adivce.

if i do fiure something out i will be sure to tell you though, but ive given their daughter a better life, physically(no abuse from me…), spiritually, finaincally, whatever. personally i have decided that you will just never win some people over. so i just try to keep me, wife, and kids safe and happy. after that i’m as nice as i can be and just brush it off. i know i didnt do anything to deserve this(long story) and it sounds like you didnt either.

so if i have any advice its that. just brush it off. keep sticking that hand out there, and every time they refuse it know you are the bigger person.

 

[puzzleannie]

for your own peace of mind try to jettison all thoughts about reviewing what they say or do that go: I wonder what they meant by that? don’t look for a deep sinister meaning for every word or gesture. try to get in the frame of mind: oh, that’s just how he is, it is nothing personal. My point is to take yourself, your emotions, your reactions out of the situation, simply in self-defense. Simply react to what is actually said, not to what might be under the surface. If she says “happy mother’s day” simply say, thank you, same to you. and drop it.

a lot of the agony comes from replaying what he said she said I said in your mind, that is even more destructive than actual misbehavior. you don’t have to apologize to them or anyone else for protecting your children.

the issue is really one between your husband and his family. step away from the situation. regard them as you would a wacky family on a TV show, just shake your head, and keep reminding your children: you must respect granny but you know we do not talk or act that way.

when you do have to be in contact with them, simply treat them as you would clients of your business or casual aquaintances in the neighborhood whom you don’t particularly want to become friends with, but deserve ordinary civility. don’t let their actions carry any more emotional weight with you than insensitivity of a stranger.

also break the cycle of calling other family members and discussing events, why did mom do that? what do you think of the way dad behaved? just end the post-mortems, and when other relatives do call, simply pass the time of day.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

By this point I’d just tell husband that visits to that house and contact will end until he starts setting up boundaries. They do it because they can get away with it. They haven’t been talked to by him about it yet have they?

If he is so oblivious, maybe he doesn’t need to go over there for dinner. You shouldn’t be dragged there to be ignored and treated like dirt in front of your own children.

They can do without seeing the grandchildren now.

You’ll get blamed, but what else is new.

Normally I don’t advocate cutting off contact with in-laws or keeping grandchildren from in-laws, but just because your husband doesn’t see you being mistreated doesn’t mean your children don’t see it. And to them, it looks like daddy approves of mommy being treated like she doesn’t exist.

You deserve better.

Yeah, you said something and they didn’t like it. But their ability to punish is scary. And your husband pretending nothing is wrong is scarier. You don’t need to go over there and get a heaping serving of abuse along with the mashed potatoes.

Start making other plans.

I’d even cancel them coming to your house. Why? So you can be the maid and servant while they won’t talk to you in your own house?

If your husband gives them permission to shun you and disrespect you in front of your own children, you have another set of problems. Time to draw a line in the sand and see which side hubby chooses. He’s had the luxury of playing Switzerland for far too long. In normal families, even when people tick each other off, they make a pretense of politeness and fake it till they make it. 13 years is a long time for him to allow his family to treat you like this.

 

[maryjk]

If your husband gives them permission to shun you and disrespect you in front of your own children, you have another set of problems. Time to draw a line in the sand and see which side hubby chooses. He’s had the luxury of playing Switzerland for far too long. In normal families, even when people tick each other off, they make a pretense of politeness and fake it till they make it. 13 years is a long time for him to allow his family to treat you like this.

You are right, he either needs to see what is going on or be made to see. A man leaves his mother and becomes one with his wife. It is time to become one.

 

[TravisandJill]

My in laws used to be like this and it almost cost us our marriage because I didn’t want to stay married to a man who would not defend me. I pretty much demanded we move several states away or else and now our marriage is better than ever before and we are finally happy. I am sorry you are going through this…

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I have to say that people like this are also very short-sighted. Don’t they care that if something happened to their son, YOU would be the gateway to seeing their grandchildren?

 

[sarita]

You definitely need to get your husband on your side. You need to sit down with him and let him know how the way his parents treat you makes you feel. He then needs to sit down with his parents and have a discussion with them about how when they treat his wife this way they are, in effect, treating him this way.

 

[maryjk]

I have to say that people like this are also very short-sighted. Don’t they care that if something happened to their son, YOU would be the gateway to seeing their grandchildren?

My in-laws don’t care. I even asked them that.

What is really sad is that my husband is an only child, so our son is their only grandchild. By cutting off contact with us, they have cut off contact with their only son and their only grandchild. And if something happened to my husband I wouldn’t be running to my in-laws.

 

[Christina009]

You all offer good advice and things to think about.
I will be “the better person” by not acting rude towards them and just know I at least tried to do the right thing.
I like the “hold my husband’s hand and squeeze” idea. I’ll talk to him about that.
I have often mentioned to my husband about “what if something happens to him” scenerio.
When he’s working on the roof or doing something that seems dangerous. I tell him,“Please don’t get hurt,or your parents will blame me! One way or another it will be my fault.” It’s gotten to be a private joke,but he doesn’t realize that I really believe it!
I pray I will go first or we go together because I wouldn’t want to be the one left to deal with them. Even if it would only be for one miserable day.
They will be coming to visit soon. I’ll just ask that you pray for me on those days and I of course will pray and meditate on the Lord.
He will protect me!
I really appreciate having you to talk to though. And knowing that this isn’t something unusual. I’m not alone,that’s a comfort.
And I have learned my lesson. No more talking about these things on the phone.
No more saying things that I don’t want someone else to hear. “The walls have ears!”
Ain’t that the truth.

 

[Catholic1954]

Stop apologizing! They are having too much fun being the victims. Since your husband has chosen not to defend you, I would limit all contact to as little as possible, just a few unavoidable occasions a year. Let the rest of the family go and find something more pleasant to do. We have caller ID.

 

[Christina009]

They came to visit. We were curtious,for my husband’s sake.
It was so uncomfortable. I’m glad they are back where they belong.
Thnx for your prayers.
I couldn’t have made it without God’s help.
Jesus Christ lives!

 

[srlucado]

Glad you made it through.

It really shouldn’t be so hard on you, though, and your husband shouldn’t have to pick sides, because he already did, the minute he said “I do.”

It’s not his primary job to please Mommy and Daddy–it’s to please you. If they don’t like it, tough; it’s time they grew up, too, and let their son be his own man.

Sorry if that sounds nasty, but I have no patience with people, especially blood relatives, who are so selfish that they’ll damage or even destroy someone else’s marriage for their own power-tripping. It’s revolting.

 

[Sheeniac]

Good advice given! I would add that I would plan on sending all of them Christmas cards until the day I died.

 

[igator99]

They came to visit. We were curtious,for my husband’s sake.
It was so uncomfortable. I’m glad they are back where they belong.
Thnx for your prayers.
I couldn’t have made it without God’s help.
Jesus Christ lives!

I’ve been posting inlaw threads here for quite some time. Mine hate because I don’t make enough money to fund their retirement. Knowing why they hate me has given me little comfort. They disgust me. They live off their children pretty high on the hog which I can’t afford to help them with. They invested in their childrens education expecting to see a return on their investment. They are bums. It is one thing that life throws you a curve ball and you have to live with your childrens help but they planned this and abuse the children that can afford to help. One of their children gave them a credit card and they promptly maxed it out knowing they couldn’t pay it off.

After 14 years of trying to get them to like me and subjecting myself to humiliation and misery I have given up. You can’t force people to like or earn love and respect from some people. If I hit the lottery tomorrow they would be my best friends. They are trashy and not worth the futile effort.

It has been a strain on our marriage. It rips me apart. I lost my parents by 18 and had hoped when I got married they I would be close to them and my wives family. I know they will not live forever and I want my wife and children to have a relationship with them but it tears me apart. To complicate things I have a step daughter that I have done my best to raise and claim as my biological child. I have treated her no different as my biological son. I love her and call her my daughter to anyone that asks. They have not been as good to my children as the rest of their grandchildren. They live 5 minutes away with their son but they don’t do anything with them. They will move heaven and Earth for the grandchildren who’s parents pay for their lifestyle. It is a sick and sad situation. My daughter is turning against me because I suspect of their influence (they call her on her cell so they don’t have to talk to me).

My wife has stood by me best she can. It tears her apart also. She is at least trying which I think is helping to keep us together but I have presented her with an impossible situation. I don’t want her to severer ties but it drives me crazy for my family to be over there with them. I guess that is my problem and I pray over it but there is something inside me which gets hurt and brings out the lost and angry young man I was coming of age without parents.

Thanks for letting me vent. My advice is to make sure your husband is behind you and limit their access to the children. Also praying for them to have a change of heart would possibly help assuming they are religious people. Good luck and God bless you and your family.

 

[igator99]

Glad you made it through.

It really shouldn’t be so hard on you, though, and your husband shouldn’t have to pick sides, because he already did, the minute he said “I do.”

It’s not his primary job to please Mommy and Daddy–it’s to please you. If they don’t like it, tough; it’s time they grew up, too, and let their son be his own man.

Sorry if that sounds nasty, but I have no patience with people, especially blood relatives, who are so selfish that they’ll damage or even destroy someone else’s marriage for their own power-tripping. It’s revolting.

Amen to that. My father inlaw wanted my wife to be an old maid so he could use her house as his retirement home.