In-laws want us to have babies

[EasterJoy]

You may need to be dramatic to get an impression made, as subtlety doesn’t seem to be working.

“Sob” and leave the room.

When they follow, let them know you will tell them once anything happens, and don’t want to talk about it.

Oh, no, whatever you do, don’t let them follow. Oh, heavens no, they’ve said quite enough and far more, that is the whole point. They need to be kept away from their victim altogether, and she needs to refuse to talk about it at all, even if she has to lock herself into the only available bathroom to do it. No accepting apologies, no promises to tell them anything whatsoever, no nothing, just, “Listen, just don’t. Just don’t. I need very much to not talk about it. No, really, don’t. I do not want an apology, I don’t want an explanation, I just need o be left alone. Just. Don’t. Talk. About. It. Any. More.” And then–nothing, and not so much as eye contact until the next meeting. Nothing. And no talking about it at all after that. The whole topic and the whole incident need to be absolutely a forbidden subject.

It has come to that, and the OP deserves that if she wants to. Whatever she does, though, no more discussions and no more “promises” to do anything or say anything. It is they who need to promise, and what they need to promise is to not get within 500 feet of the topic. Period!

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

1ke covered it the polite way.

The best way to have this handled is to have the husband lay down the law. If he does not, then you need to do it. Personally, the way I handle such situations is to make people feel extremely uncomfortable each time they bring it up. For instance, I’d be drilling these people as to why the insist on being so incredibly rude and obnoxious and not respecting others boundaries each time they brought it up until they apologized or left the room. Such people tend to walk all over others until others push right back. Most of these people are simply cowards, and back off when someone stands up to them.

 

[amandamary]

We saw them. I just openly told his mother (the ring leader) that it makes us uncomfortable and I kind of dread seeing them because of it. She cried and apologized. I told her I would never discuss it with her; it was not something I felt comfortable doing. I appreciate the suggestions with the bold confrontation and the cutting them off but I think our situation is a little unique. There is already a lot of embarrassment and shame on my husband’s part, I didn’t want to add to it by cutting off his family, forcing him to confront his family, and causing a huge family drama. I know you probably think that is wrong–that he should fight this battle for me–but I just felt more comfortable with dealing with it on my own. I pray it worked.

 

[mommamaree]

We saw them. I just openly told his mother (the ring leader) that it makes us uncomfortable and I kind of dread seeing them because of it. She cried and apologized. I told her I would never discuss it with her; it was not something I felt comfortable doing. I appreciate the suggestions with the bold confrontation and the cutting them off but I think our situation is a little unique. There is already a lot of embarrassment and shame on my husband’s part, I didn’t want to add to it by cutting off his family, forcing him to confront his family, and causing a huge family drama. I know you probably think that is wrong–that he should fight this battle for me–but I just felt more comfortable with dealing with it on my own. I pray it worked.

Wow, Amandamary! You did great.
I am sure that was not an easy thing to do, but you were so brave and strong. Way to go!

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

There is already a lot of embarrassment and shame on my husband’s part, I didn’t want to add to it by cutting off his family, forcing him to confront his family, and causing a huge family drama. I know you probably think that is wrong–that he should fight this battle for me–but I just felt more comfortable with dealing with it on my own. I pray it worked.

You husband will eventually have to confront his family one way or the other. It’s best he do so now and handle the situation, rather than have to confront them later after the damage is done. Also, he should realize that you, not them, are his family, first and foremost. When a couple marries, they are are a new family, and spouses come first. Not recognizing that creates problems in marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

We saw them. I just openly told his mother (the ring leader) that it makes us uncomfortable and I kind of dread seeing them because of it. She cried and apologized. I told her I would never discuss it with her; it was not something I felt comfortable doing. I appreciate the suggestions with the bold confrontation and the cutting them off but I think our situation is a little unique. There is already a lot of embarrassment and shame on my husband’s part, I didn’t want to add to it by cutting off his family, forcing him to confront his family, and causing a huge family drama. I know you probably think that is wrong–that he should fight this battle for me–but I just felt more comfortable with dealing with it on my own. I pray it worked.

No, you as a couple ought to work out how you want to manage this kind of issue. What is not OK would be to leave you miserable because your husband refused to deal with it. He ought to be willing to go to bat for you if you need that, but in general if family members can each solve their issues directly with each other, in my experience, that works the best. Likewise, if you were to see that the messenger will get punished, you would deal with your blood relatives on his behalf. By that you make it clear that you have “left your father and mother” and cleaved to each other.

You did fine. Your MIL’s reaction shows that this was not due to a desire on her part to control you. She’s just excited about the idea of being a grandma and lost sight of how this might be affecting you. It sounds as if she did a thoughtless thing, but is not an inherently thoughtless person. I think your family will do well.

Time will tell, but I think this episode will strengthen your marriage and your ability to deal with this kind of thing with less angst next time. I doubt it will be the last time you have to draw a boundary rather more firmly than you’d like to be forced to do, but the first time is always the hardest.

 

[HouseArrest]

We saw them. I just openly told his mother (the ring leader) that it makes us uncomfortable and I kind of dread seeing them because of it. She cried and apologized. I told her I would never discuss it with her; it was not something I felt comfortable doing. I appreciate the suggestions with the bold confrontation and the cutting them off but I think our situation is a little unique. There is already a lot of embarrassment and shame on my husband’s part, I didn’t want to add to it by cutting off his family, forcing him to confront his family, and causing a huge family drama. I know you probably think that is wrong–that he should fight this battle for me–but I just felt more comfortable with dealing with it on my own. I pray it worked.

It sounds like you probably got through to her.

Even though it is painful for you to think about and discuss these issues with your in laws, try to see the good in it.

They are insensitive for not catching on. That is for sure. But what a vote of confidence on their part that they want you to have children. They must think the world of the two of you and your relationship if they feel you’d be great parents!

 

[1ke]

We saw them. I just openly told his mother (the ring leader) that it makes us uncomfortable and I kind of dread seeing them because of it. She cried and apologized. I told her I would never discuss it with her; it was not something I felt comfortable doing. I appreciate the suggestions with the bold confrontation and the cutting them off but I think our situation is a little unique. There is already a lot of embarrassment and shame on my husband’s part, I didn’t want to add to it by cutting off his family, forcing him to confront his family, and causing a huge family drama. I know you probably think that is wrong–that he should fight this battle for me–but I just felt more comfortable with dealing with it on my own. I pray it worked.

I think you handled it beautifully (if it indeed works long term). You know your family best. Perhaps the suggestions here, though not right for you, gave you the courage to finally speak up!

Hope it works.

 

[amandamary]

Thanks for all of the help. I think you are right, 1ke, some of the posts did help. Some of you said such encouraging and empowering things and helped me gain good perspective.

Be at peace on my husband. He and I share your same feelings about boundaries and putting your spouse first. He is not letting me be miserable. If you knew the extent of our problem, you would see why the way it was handled was best.

We are in a situation that has no book about it; there are few articles out there; there is no one we know that we can talk to who has been in our situation. I am just trying to keep us moving forward, not going backward. Thank you for helping me with that.

God bless you all.

 

[EasterJoy]

…We are in a situation that has no book about it; there are few articles out there; there is no one we know that we can talk to who has been in our situation. . …

That is the nature of family life, and the more extended the family, the more it is true. You two did well!

 

[amandamary]

That is the nature of family life, and the more extended the family, the more it is true. You two did well!

Goodness! I was talking about our infertility situation but I guess the same is absolutely true of family! Haha! Thanks for pointing it out.