In Laws

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vge828

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I had a miscarriage last week on Saturday. I didn’t know I was pregnant. I had always hoped for more children (have 4).

SIL had a m/c 3 weeks before mine. Her pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy that resulted in internal bleeding and emergency surgery. Had she waited 24 hrs - she would’ve died. My MIL (her mother) told her she should be happy she has at least one child. She also told her that it wasn’t really a baby b/c it was a “mass of cells”. So I didn’t know what to say to my MIL or even if my SIL was hurt by these comments.

So I naturallly called my SIL after I miscarried. She offered her sympathy but it was surreal almost not genuine. I really hesitated to even tell her I thought they would understand I was still in the middle of a natural miscarriage.(?)

I called my MIL that Monday to let her know and all she said was “Oh, I didn’t know you were trying to get pregnant.” I said, I wasn’t and this was a shock too.
She said I’m sorry but went on - about how I should be happy with my children, and my body is already too old (I’m over 40). etc.

All I was hoping for was I’m so sorry, I’ll pray for you.

Then my DH - He doesn’t know how to grieve either b/c I didn’t look pregnant. I think I was about 11 wks (baby may have died at 7 wks) I really don’t know -just guessing.

Now my FIL and MIL will try to corner my DH and say - what were you thinking? don’t you use protection? You can’t afford more - you are already financially tight. She’s too old. On and on and on…

Since we live in the same city, my IL want to see our children- how can I change subjects when we see them,. I can’t avoid these people.

My DH & I knew what they would say and think. We don’t want to be rude but what do we say when they constantly look down on us for everything.I think their words contributed to my DH’s depression too(he battles with it daily) and this situation doesn’t help either.

I feel so alone. I can’t keep crying or be depressed otherwise my DH will be more depressed and our children need me.

I know my situation isn’t the worst in the world. I do have a beautiful family, my mother has been here all week helping me with my children and household stuff so I can regain my strength, my sister called me and offered her love, support and tears. I’m blessed overall. I just feel hurt for my husband and my self when someone so close says hurtful things.

Anyway - what do I say?

Thanks for listening…

Romans 8:28 🙂
 
Hugs and prayers for you and your husband as you grieve your loss of your little child.
I’m thankful that your mother is kind and supportive, anyone who is not…really what matters here is your husband and your children and YOU.
If your in-laws are insensitive in what they say or do, or don’t say and don’t do…that is their problem and their lack, so please try not to take it on board, if your fears of further critical reactions are justified.
It’s a reminder to pray for them that because they will receive grace for less judgement, more kindness.

Please allow yourself to recover without accepting others’ limitations as part of what controls your husband’s and your peace of mind.
Their attitude is one that many less spiritual persons espouse, so in a sense they can’t help it, unless they become more spiritual in their responses. Forgive them for your own sake for their worldly attitudes.
Your own family is your sacred place, where God knows the very real pain you are enduring.

God bless your dear husband and you and your four children.
Your good, pure little one will pray for you all, so you have a precious advocate who will welcome you all some day in heaven with great joy.
 
I am sorry that you lost the baby and my prayers are with you.

What exactly compelled you to tell them? It appears from what you have written, that their criticism is not something new. Why set yourself up? Why open a door for them especially if you know it not only hurts you but causes your spouse to be depressed?

I am glad that you have a Mom and sister who are there for you.
 
First and foremost, my heart goes out to you. ((BIG HUGS)) I am so sorry for your loss. Regardless of what your MIL told your SIL, it is most certainly not just a “mass of cells”. Perhaps in the future, you might exercise extreme caution in telling certain things to your in-laws because it does seem they lack a certain sensitivity and tact when dealing with issues that are upsetting. If you are around them, you might think about NOT bringing up this subject, and if they continue to bring it up or make insensitive remarks, let them know that it is a sensitive subject and that now you are focusing on healing rather than bringing up the hurt all over again. My prayers are with you and hubby.
 
I’m sorry for your loss and send you many hugs and prayers! Your inLaws are jerks. Pisses me off. This is why I don’t like talking about our loss to anyone. I don’t want to hear something that will make me want to punch someone’s face in. I’m happy my dad just gave me a kiss on the cheek. his brother was the one who said to hold on more kids etc. I was expecting my parents to say that. thank God they were understanding.

I’m sorry your MIL is a worthless *****. please keep your chin up… I know its hard :’( We named our LO finally and I might get a piece of jewelry or something to always remember him. This Saturday there is a mass over here in the DFW area for babies lost before their baptisms… we are going for sure. I know I’m gonna be full of tears… I miss my lo so much… I should be around 16 weeks right now… I’m not depressed since we did just get married and I am in higher spirits caring for my little family. but it is always okay to just cry. and honor your baby someway, any little way u wish is fine.
 
Thank you so much for your beautiful thoughts and prayers. I so appreciate them. Praise God for this forum. You all are a blessing.

I just wanted some advice and seems like I really should just change subjects and pray for them.

I know I set myself up because their comments were really expected I guess. I do pray for them. I have never confronted my MIL or SIL about anything. I just let them vent about everything even when its hurtful b/c I really just want to keep the peace. I don’t want my DH to feel he’s in the middle but that’s where they put him. Since they are his parents he has always felt obligated to them regardless of the tongue lashings. He just doesn’t want to regret anything. So we both take it.

I want to name our LO but have no idea where to start since I didn’t know if our baby was a boy or girl. I’m trying to find a name that would work either way. Can a priest have a small memorial even if there is no baby or casket? Would it be on a Sunday at church or in a chapel? Advice.

Again thank you so much for your kind words. May God bless all of you!

Romans 8:28:)
 
I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Although I don’t know that it would be appropriate in your situation, we’ve worked on cutting ties with the family members who treated us poorly after our miscarriage. There was a lot more to their behavior than that, but on top of the initial lack of sympathy and the comments about how we already have too many and how we didn’t have a right to mourn since he wasn’t a "real"baby, I have cousins who did stuff like send me repeated suggestions to “like” abortion groups on Facebook and who started signing us up for baby tracker websites (you know, because they thought it would be funny if we got weekly reminders from these websites that we’d lost our baby). The less we see and hear from these people, the less stress we have in our lives.
 
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