In love with someone other than spouse

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Luvtosew said:
Stop, the grass always looks greener, but I have heard once people get there, its weeds, and its very hard to go back. I don’t know how many people I have known have left their spouse just to end up alone.
Its not just your kids and husband its your whole life your talking about.

OH and a man that cheats with a married woman with kids, is not a man you want to be with, he will cheat on you.
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Spot on.

Not enough emphasis is placed on the fact that once a man beds a married woman, for whatever reason, he has shown his true moral colours. He is demonstrating that he is a sneak, willing to secretly trash the standards of everyone else to get what he wants. He knows and understands the ‘wrongness’ of what he is doing and that is why he is surreptitious in his behaviour. If he is like that on this occasion, then he will behave in a similar fashion on other occasions. It is a part of his character. He is not someone who can ever be trusted. Sadly, he has bought the OP down to his level.
illinoisgirl said:
I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him. I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.
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If, as you say, your husband is a ‘good father’, then that’s how the kids will know him. If you walk out, you either take the kids, or leave them. If you take them, they will spend the rest of their lives wondering whay it was that their mother suddenly decided that their Dad wasn’t good enough to live. Their notion of what a good father is will be rocked to the core. It will never make sense to them. Ever. You can’t say to them you don’t love your husband, their Dad, because that would be a lie. So what would you tell them? That you want better sex? Wow, what a horrible message and lesson that would be for the kids, which is, you can dump someone because you can get better sex. The fact that Daddy is a good person and a good parent doesn’t really matter. Now that’s a perfect way in which to totally screw up your children’s value system, isn’t it?

If you leave the kids behind, you will be destroying their faith in you. You will be someone who can’t ever be trusted again, because you are a danger to how they feel emotionally. You will hurt them terribly, destroy their faith in you and destroy their faith in the security which is the family they are growing up in. The hurt will be so profound that they will not, ever, be able to trust you 100% ever again.

The pain you cause them will affect them for the rest of their lives. The ability to trust, to love unconditionally, to feel safe and secure in the knowledge that your parents are always there for you, together, will be destroyed. It will affect their future relationships with others, because the stability, the unstated promise of future unconditional love and support will have been destroyed. It is the kids who will be the real victims and their children as well, because the role modelling of a stable family and safe, unconditional love, will have been denied them.

Your husband will be rocked to the very core of his being. He will feel violated and betrayed beyond comprehension. It will affect his entire life, because even he, will struggle to know what is real and what is false. You say here that you love him. It is therefore reasonable to assume that you still tell him you love him. If you now break up the marriage and the family, he will never make sense of why someone who supposedly loves him would want to walk out. How could he even be asked to make sense of it? It will haunt him for the rest of his life and it will affect his relationship with the children too. They will all have to suffer incredible emotional and spiritual pain.

And all for what? So you can have better sex? Is better sex more important than the emotional well being of your own children? Is it worth more than the ability of your husband to be a loyal and loving father to your children? Is it more important than watching your children grow up feeling safe and secure in the bosom of a loving family? Is it more important than being able to give your children a childhood they can look back on and be thankful for? Is it more important than being with someone who is obviously unconditionally committed to you and your children?

You wrote that “My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues”. Is that the ‘excuse’ for contemplating breaking up your own family and destroying the happiness of your children and husband? Is that the excuse for accepting the advances of a man who is willing to demonstrate a total lack of respect for your own family and for your position in it? For a man who doesn’t care about how important your role is in the safe and stable upbringing of your children?

Just as Luvtosew wrote, you are walking into a big patch of weeds and abandoning the green grass that is your children’s and husband’s unconditional love.

The choice should be fairly easy. You just need to find the ourage to admit it and the self respect required to make the acknowledgement. Settling for weeds is just another step towards destroying yourself as well. Get rid of the what is causing you to be depressed and confused and have the courage to keep your little bit of pain to yourself for the sake of your family. The alternative will be horrendous by comparison.
 
illinoisgirl said:
I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him. I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.
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Well it is a pity that the priest has not given more guidance. He should at least get back to you after doing some research.
I have done a little bit. The Catholic Encyclopedia states
“As for the adulterous mother, in case she cannot secretly undo the injustice resulting from the presence of her illegitimate child, she is not obliged to reveal her sin either to her husband or to her spurious offspring, unless the evil which the good name of the mother might sustain is less than that which would inevitably come from her failure to make such a revelation. Again, in case there would not be the danger of infamy, she would be held to reveal her sin when she could reasonably hope that such a manifestation would be productive of good results. This kind of issue, however, would be necessarily rare.”
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Which basically translated seems to me that if the woman can get away with it then she should, but if the affair is certain to come to light then she should come clean first.
So for example, if a baby will be obviously not the child of the spouse. I would include a venereal disease which requires treatment in this category.

Certainly not a ruling. I would still talk to your priest about this but I do concur with other posters that there is no obvious obligation to tell your spouse as this will likely cause more harm than good.

But all of this is really beside the point. The crux of the problem is that you have committed a mortal sin and your eternal salvation is at stake here. Make sure that you have a firm contrition never to do this again. This is incredibly serious and I fear that you are focusing more on the worldly consequences of your act, and downplaying the frightening eternal consequences of your sin. As another poster mentioned and as King David said “Against you alone have I sinned O Lord”

Even with respect to the temporal consequences of this act. Up until the seventh century the priests required very public and very lengthy penances for serious sins like adultery. It was unlikely that the sacrament of penance was required twice as a result. Today the penances are ridiculously light which fails to impress upon the earthly mind the seriousness of sin both in the temporal and eternal domains.
 
Khalid said:
I interpreted it oppositely: that it wasn’t a sin until adultery was committed, even if the individual knew that it was a temptation, the only thing to do is do what one would anyways, and then regret it in hindsight, because only after the fact is one certain that a near occasion of sin actually caused a great and most grievous offense.
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No that is not what he was saying. He was saying that the choice was made when she decided to make contact with this person and decided to arrange a meeting rather than the actually deed itself; and that this should be even more obvious to her now in hindsight than it was when she was cooking up this liason. I just think he worded it poorly.

Our Lord puts the sin even earlier than the arranging of the meeting or the contact. Even dwelling on the thought of meeting him was an act of lust and is equal to the sin of adultery.
 
Mormon_Cultist said:
What we do is a choice; what we feel is not.
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This is incorrect. Feelings are also thoughts. We do have control over our emotions and feelings. Lust is a feeling and an emotion. To choose to mull upon feelings which are actually lusts is a grave sin.
Regenerate Christians are not slaves to their feelings. Feelings which are allowed to grow and fester can move from being little desires to a fire that rages with lust. When that happens there is no more choice of what we do, we become slaves to our desires and our power to choose what we do is almost entirely overwhelmed.

Therefore we must pay very close attention to foster legitimate feelings and desires and to curb and restrain illicit feelings, desires and lusts before they balloon into uncontrollable sin.

The apostle James explains this
“1:14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.”

Frightening stuff. So the place to nip it in the bud is at the “temptation” stage. If it gets to the “feeling” stage, then that is lust. So the time to control ourselves is where we choose what thoughts to allow into our mind.
 
illinoisgirl said:
I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him. I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.
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Walk away while you are able. An affair began in deceit and lust can only bear bad fruit…how could either of you ever “trust” the other one…you did THIS to your spouse…love is not necessarily a feeling…but also a choice…CHOOSE to love you husband again…don’t destroy your life over sexual things…all kinds of accomodations can be made with your spouse to explore your likes and dislikes…love is a choice.
 
John21652 said:
Spot on.

Not enough emphasis is placed on the fact that once a man beds a married woman, for whatever reason, he has shown his true moral colours. He is demonstrating that he is a sneak, willing to secretly trash the standards of everyone else to get what he wants. He knows and understands the ‘wrongness’ of what he is doing and that is why he is surreptitious in his behaviour. If he is like that on this occasion, then he will behave in a similar fashion on other occasions. It is a part of his character. He is not someone who can ever be trusted. Sadly, he has bought the OP down to his level.

.
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. Don’t write this person off as a human John, i am the person you spoke of.
 
bmullins said:
As the person said above, break off all contact with this person. No more emails, no texts, no facebook. If you truly want your marriage to work you need to sever any relationship that goes beyond friendship. If this person started out as your ‘sounding board’ you need to put that sounding board back where it’s supposed to be, your husband. You should be confiding in him. Sharing with him. Talking and joking with him. He should be not only your love, but your best friend. If it’s not the case, then work on it.
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Friendship is going too far with someone an individual has committed adultery with. No contact whatsoever: “friendship” is going to lead to the same thing over again, and is exacerbating the wound and grievousness of an already most grievous sin against God and man. I’m one of those people that believes there can be no “platonic friendship” between the sexes, but I believe even those who do can agree, that if one has committed adultery with an individual, one can not be that individual’s friend, should not be that individual’s friend, and, if repentant, wants nothing to do with that individual.

This thread has reinforced my discernment to a vocation of celibacy (signs from God come in sundry forms). I think a good way to put one of them is, that I am a sinner and a Saint: as a sinner, I don’t want to go through it; as a Saint, I don’t want anyone else to, either. Part of it, is, thank God, I am blessed as St Paul was, again, thank the God for his grace, that I do not care about sex (as I have seen too many times what a disordered attachment to it - and, in my experience, most individuals do have a disordered attachment to it - what harm it can and does do: as in the “some sexual compatibility issues”: even absolute sexual incompatibility, disregarding a situation where both of the partners have the same parts, is not worth a month’s rent or the collected works of Aristotle, let alone the destruction of the spiritual, emotional, and possibly physical lives of a minimum of three human beings [in the case of a married couple with no children]).
 
Don’t tell your husband anything about the incident.

Cut off all contact/reminder of this other man and move on with your life, making the choice to be a faithful, LOVING wife to your husband - the father of your children, the man you swore to love and to be with until death do you part.
 
illinoisgirl said:
I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him. I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.
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You are married; this other man is not for you. I can tell you that if you were to leave your husband for this man, you will get a man who will cheat with a married woman. Stop. End this relationship and try and rediscover why you loved and married your husband in the first place. You may be “caught up” in the fantasy of it – not the reality. Go for counseling. Speak with a priest – another if you have to (I don’t understand how the priest was not definitive). But do not see this other man.

And do not confess this to your husband in order to relieve your guilt. That should only be confessed to a priest. You will do more damage if you confess to your husband. This is your cross to bear.

Sorry, but it’s true.
 
Mormon_Cultist said:
Your husband deserves to know - show him that respect as your equal in marriage and before God, but knowledge should be kept private between him, you, your priest and God. It will be difficult for both of you: there will be a loss of trust which will take long to rebuild. You will need to have patience with him. Tell him now, then you can begin working together; this journey cannot be made alone, and even if you did travel through your repentance and tell him afterwards (because the Spirit and your conscience will insist that you should), you would then have to continue struggling yet longer as he came to terms with it and yet more time rebuilding trust. No, tell him immediately, tell him truthfully, tell him you have already started in your repentance by visiting your priest, tell him how you feel about him and your children. Love him, be tender, be kind, be full of long suffering: show him an outpouring of the spirit of Christ toward him and your children.
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Disagree. People only feel that they need to confess to the wronged spouse in order to alleviate their own guilt – to the very harm to the wronged spouse, and to the possible destruction of the trust. It may take years to regain that trust and that’s why she has a confessor – that’s the extent of the confession. Now she deals with what she has done, and works toward finding her marriage again with her husband, but not by ripping her husband’s trust apart.

The other rman is fantasy. Given the opportunity I could guarantee that that second man would eventually do the same to her. Afterall, he did not consider her husband – he only thought of himself.
 
fbl9 said:
not this one, i meant that i am a person who has ‘stolen’ a wife.
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You responded to this -
John21652 said:
Spot on.

Not enough emphasis is placed on the fact that once a man beds a married woman, for whatever reason, he has shown his true moral colours. He is demonstrating that he is a sneak, willing to secretly trash the standards of everyone else to get what he wants. He knows and understands the ‘wrongness’ of what he is doing and that is why he is surreptitious in his behaviour. If he is like that on this occasion, then he will behave in a similar fashion on other occasions. It is a part of his character. He is not someone who can ever be trusted. Sadly, he has bought the OP down to his level.
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with this -
fbl9 said:
. Don’t write this person off as a human John, i am the person you spoke of.
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At least your honest, even though it’s on an anonymous Internet forum. I take it I hit a nerve or three?

Anyway, I stand by what I wrote.
 
John21652 said:
You responded to this -

with this -

At least your honest, even though it’s on an anonymous Internet forum. I take it I hit a nerve or three?

Anyway, I stand by what I wrote.
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and i responded to your general statement that such people are trash. YEs you struck nerves as your post is very judgemental You claim i will run off on my wife, cause i bedded her while she was married,…Your judgement is most likely a 50/50 odds. it is not a for sure thing as you claim.
I have learned not to look down on other people because of their sins, for i am not that person, i know not what goes through their head, the anguish of a sinner is not shown on the outside, the internal war that takes place. Such statements of yours are the kind of statements that brings despair.
 
John21652 said:
You responded to this -

with this -

At least your honest, even though it’s on an anonymous Internet forum. I take it I hit a nerve or three?

Anyway, I stand by what I wrote.
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and i responded to your general statement that such people are trash. YEs you struck nerves as your post is very judgemental You claim i will run off on my wife, cause i bedded her while she was married,…Your judgement is most likely a 50/50 odds. it is not a for sure thing as you claim.
I have learned not to look down on other people because of their sins, for i am not that person, i know not what goes through their head, the anguish of a sinner is not shown on the outside, the internal war that takes place is never seen. Such statements of yours are the kind of statements that bring despair.
 
fbl9 said:
and i responded to your general statement that such people are trash. YEs you struck nerves as your post is very judgemental You claim i will run off on my wife, cause i bedded her while she was married,…Your judgement is most likely a 50/50 odds. it is not a for sure thing as you claim.
I have learned not to look down on other people because of their sins, for i am not that person, i know not what goes through their head, the anguish of a sinner is not shown on the outside, the internal war that takes place is never seen. Such statements of yours are the kind of statements that bring despair.
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It was your own post that used the word “stolen.” If there’s any despair, it’s not coming from John.

Besides, even with your admission, it’s certainly not good advice for someone in struggle with having had an extra-marital affair. I say this second man is “fantasy.” Might it be better to have recommended trying to save the marriage and not see this man, rather than feed the fantasy?

A few years with him and she will find out that he takes his pants off one leg at a time too – likely sooner.

And there are two children to consider. Let’s not forget the children.
 
I know I disagree with everyone else, but I do think the husband has a right to know. What if the OP has contracted an STD from this other man? I know the chance is very slight, but it is possible, even if protection was used. We don’t know this other man or who else he has been sleeping with.
 
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