In love with someone other than spouse

[TheRealJuliane]

Can’t offer advice, but I know within my heart and soul that I could never forgive someone for cheating on me.

It is THE ultimate betrayal, above all else. I would rather die than find out that the woman I loved had betrayed me in such a way. Seriously.

In that vein of things, I would think carefully about what you are doing, as it WILL have lifelong consequences.

Also I think you’re a ******. If you want to be scummy enough to cheat on someone, at least break up with them first. Don’t think you can have your cake and eat it.

I’m sorry for the harsh words, and it’s NOTHING to do with my religious views on marriage, it’s just the toughest thing for a bloke to have to go through with.

Hey, I’m female, and my husband said he didn’t do anything, but just the inappropriate contact with a woman while he was in another country was enough to nearly destroy our marriage. He swore up and down that he didn’t do anything sexual with her…But the problem is, how would I ever know?? The trust issue is never going to leave me. Can I trust him? I trusted him and he did something that could have led him to break his vows. Did he? He says he didn’t. I had to let it go in order to go on. I was pregnant with our 2nd son and we had a 2 year old.

No, I would not want to know, even if he did cheat. I wish I hadn’t figured it out. He can’t lie very well, so I suppose he didn’t do anything, because once I really looked at his face, I knew something had happened and kind of stumbled into it.

It is like Paul’s thorn. It will be there for the rest of my life.

 

[fgh_123]

Hey, I’m female, and my husband said he didn’t do anything, but just the inappropriate contact with a woman while he was in another country was enough to nearly destroy our marriage. He swore up and down that he didn’t do anything sexual with her…But the problem is, how would I ever know?? The trust issue is never going to leave me. Can I trust him? I trusted him and he did something that could have led him to break his vows. Did he? He says he didn’t. I had to let it go in order to go on. I was pregnant with our 2nd son and we had a 2 year old.

No, I would not want to know, even if he did cheat. I wish I hadn’t figured it out. He can’t lie very well, so I suppose he didn’t do anything, because once I really looked at his face, I knew something had happened and kind of stumbled into it.

It is like Paul’s thorn. It will be there for the rest of my life.

What do you mean by inappropriate contact? I feel your pain, and can only imagine how much tougher it must be actually being married and having children.

It’s an issue I’d definitely get resolved as life is to short not to.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He went out with this woman, as I recall, they met in the hotel bar or lobby and later on went sightseeing together. It’s been a long time now, they might have gone out to dinner together too. I just can’t remember. I can remember how it felt to think that my husband was in the company of another woman while he was out of the country. Part of my reaction was from his obvious guilt, although he said they didn’t “do anything.”

A couple of months later, I needed to get something that was in my husband’s briefcase and I found a note from this woman that he had kept. It was in French. I didn’t understand what she’d written, it wasn’t a love note, but I didn’t think ahead enough to make a copy of it (maybe that’s better or I’d be a divorced mom of 2 teens. ). The whole issue came up all over again, and I really had to decide if I was going to let it go, or would it destroy my marriage.

It could be that he was telling me the truth all along, but how would I know?

It’s like breaking your leg badly. The bone heals, but you will forever get twinges in the area to remind you that you had an injury.

 

[Leegal]

What do you mean by inappropriate contact? I feel your pain, and can only imagine how much tougher it must be actually being married and having children.

It’s an issue I’d definitely get resolved as life is to short not to.

Did you miss the part where the OP has two children with her husband too?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Did you miss the part where the OP has two children with her husband too?

fgh_123 was referring to HIMSELF. How HE would not want to know about a one-time cheat because it would destroy HIM, and he isn’t currently married, nor does he have children.

 

[cviolette]

I agree with many of the other posts.

The only way to fix your marriage is to cut off all contact with other man. Every time you see the other man, you will connect emotional with him and add distance to your husband.

You also need to find out why you had the affair. What is wrong with your marriage or you that caused you to look else where for love and support?

You need to have boundaries with men in your life so this is not repeated. This may mean no male friends,

Just recommendations based on my experiences.

How old are the children?

 

[John21652]

Do you also apply this to the wife, which truly is the person doing the cheating.
or do you hold a double standard, the woman is the victim?

I suggest you go back and read my post #21 all over again.

When you do, read it carefully enough to realise that the post was in two parts; one directed to the behaviour of the man with whom the OP committed adultery and the main part of the post then directed to the behviour of the OP.

Once you have read it properly, feel free to come back here and apologise for suggesting I posted with a double standard.

I would also suggest that until you do learn to read posts correctly, to prevent further harm, you stay out of grown up discussions.

 

[fbl9]

Spot on.

Not enough emphasis is placed on the fact that once a man beds a married woman, for whatever reason, he has shown his true moral colours. He is demonstrating that he is a sneak, willing to secretly trash the standards of everyone else to get what he wants. He knows and understands the ‘wrongness’ of what he is doing and that is why he is surreptitious in his behaviour. If he is like that on this occasion, then he will behave in a similar fashion on other occasions. It is a part of his character. He is not someone who can ever be trusted. Sadly, he has bought the OP down to his level.

If, as you say, your husband is a ‘good father’, then that’s how the kids will know him. If you walk out, you either take the kids, or leave them. If you take them, they will spend the rest of their lives wondering whay it was that their mother suddenly decided that their Dad wasn’t good enough to live. Their notion of what a good father is will be rocked to the core. It will never make sense to them. Ever. You can’t say to them you don’t love your husband, their Dad, because that would be a lie. So what would you tell them? That you want better sex? Wow, what a horrible message and lesson that would be for the kids, which is, you can dump someone because you can get better sex. The fact that Daddy is a good person and a good parent doesn’t really matter. Now that’s a perfect way in which to totally screw up your children’s value system, isn’t it?

If you leave the kids behind, you will be destroying their faith in you. You will be someone who can’t ever be trusted again, because you are a danger to how they feel emotionally. You will hurt them terribly, destroy their faith in you and destroy their faith in the security which is the family they are growing up in. The hurt will be so profound that they will not, ever, be able to trust you 100% ever again.

The pain you cause them will affect them for the rest of their lives. The ability to trust, to love unconditionally, to feel safe and secure in the knowledge that your parents are always there for you, together, will be destroyed. It will affect their future relationships with others, because the stability, the unstated promise of future unconditional love and support will have been destroyed. It is the kids who will be the real victims and their children as well, because the role modelling of a stable family and safe, unconditional love, will have been denied them.

Your husband will be rocked to the very core of his being. He will feel violated and betrayed beyond comprehension. It will affect his entire life, because even he, will struggle to know what is real and what is false. You say here that you love him. It is therefore reasonable to assume that you still tell him you love him. If you now break up the marriage and the family, he will never make sense of why someone who supposedly loves him would want to walk out. How could he even be asked to make sense of it? It will haunt him for the rest of his life and it will affect his relationship with the children too. They will all have to suffer incredible emotional and spiritual pain.

And all for what? So you can have better sex? Is better sex more important than the emotional well being of your own children? Is it worth more than the ability of your husband to be a loyal and loving father to your children? Is it more important than watching your children grow up feeling safe and secure in the bosom of a loving family? Is it more important than being able to give your children a childhood they can look back on and be thankful for? Is it more important than being with someone who is obviously unconditionally committed to you and your children?

You wrote that “My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues”. Is that the ‘excuse’ for contemplating breaking up your own family and destroying the happiness of your children and husband? Is that the excuse for accepting the advances of a man who is willing to demonstrate a total lack of respect for your own family and for your position in it? For a man who doesn’t care about how important your role is in the safe and stable upbringing of your children?

Just as Luvtosew wrote, you are walking into a big patch of weeds and abandoning the green grass that is your children’s and husband’s unconditional love.

The choice should be fairly easy. You just need to find the ourage to admit it and the self respect required to make the acknowledgement. Settling for weeds is just another step towards destroying yourself as well. Get rid of the what is causing you to be depressed and confused and have the courage to keep your little bit of pain to yourself for the sake of your family. The alternative will be horrendous by comparison.

Yet you still haven’t called the op in your later half untrust worthy, loose moralled, uncaring etc…

 

[fbl9]

I suggest you go back and read my post #21 all over again.

When you do, read it carefully enough to realise that the post was in two parts; one directed to the behaviour of the man with whom the OP committed adultery and the main part of the post then directed to the behviour of the OP.

Once you have read it properly, feel free to come back here and apologise for suggesting I posted with a double standard.

I would also suggest that until you do learn to read posts correctly, to prevent further harm, you stay out of grown up discussions.

Again with the judgements and belittleing tone. such a great person you are … could care less see yah…

 

[Leegal]

fgh_123 was referring to HIMSELF. How HE would not want to know about a one-time cheat because it would destroy HIM, and he isn’t currently married, nor does he have children.

I suppose I was reacting to both posts, especially #59. But it is about this woman and she has 2 children.

I advocate for not telling, however I do not think that it’s “all or nothing.” Once one knows, when children are involved, one cannot just make such rash decisions without taking into account that there are children involved. I avoided quoting #59.

 

[Sillara]

I say again that the Church does NOT require a wronged spouse to continue conjugal life with an adulterer. The adulterer who does not confess to the betrayed spouse is adding lies and theft to the wrongs done to the injured spouse. The adulterer is stealing the decision of whether or not to continue conjugal life from the already wronged spouse. Why is this advisable? It is NOT the confession that harms the injured spouse. It is the adultery itself.
Think of the children? How DARE an adulterer use that as a reason to keep from admitting his betrayal? Thinking of the children is what the adulterer ought to have done before betraying his spouse.

 

[Leegal]

I say again that the Church does NOT require a wronged spouse to continue conjugal life with an adulterer. The adulterer who does not confess to the betrayed spouse is adding lies and theft to the wrongs done to the injured spouse. The adulterer is stealing the decision of whether or not to continue conjugal life from the already wronged spouse. Why is this advisable? It is NOT the confession that harms the injured spouse. It is the adultery itself.
Think of the children? How DARE an adulterer use that as a reason to keep from admitting his betrayal? Thinking of the children is what the adulterer ought to have done before betraying his spouse.

Well, it’s not grounds for annulment unless the errant spouse had no intention to be faithful before the marriage took place – i.e., no valid marriage. So, the result is to live together as brother and sister – or divorce and live as adulterers? That’s also not the purpose of marriage either.

Yes, one should think of the children – but either she stays and fixes her marriage or she leaves and lives in adultery with a second man. Because unless she always had the intention to cheat (and there’s simply no reason to believe she entered into the marriage with this idea in mind), those are the only two solutions. A marriage does not exist when one enters into it with the idea “oh well, I can and will cheat.” That does not appear to be the case here. Something happened. This man came into her life again and she did something that she should not have – not that she always had the intention to stray before she married.

I think this is not the question, nor an answer. Whether or not we continue to have conjugal relations if we decide to stay and fix the marriage. It seems the choice is to fix the marriage – and conjugal relations are an integral part of the marital union – one that needs to be fixed if she stays.

On the other hand, if she tells him and he then decides he can no longer have conjugal relations that leaves them both with a strictly platonic marriage, which is part of the problem that she has already stated led her to stray… Since there’s no better alternative – the wise thing would be to fix what already exists in the best way possible and that is to preserve the marriage and the family.

I don’t like where this is going. The question is to admit to the husband or not. We cannot assume all these other scenarios – STD’s, pregnancy, cutting off marital relations, etc. But, yes, “think of the children.” Are they going to better off if the marriage can heal (and if she realizes that she wants to try with her husband by giving up this man) or are they better off living in a broken home.

Willful exclusion of marital fidelity (Canon 1101, 12)
You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, not to remain faithful.

 

[novelista]

double post. sorry.

 

[novelista]

Originally Posted by Castello
Love is a CHOICE.
Choose to love your husband.
Go to confession. Obey what your priest says about revealing the infidelity.
Cut off all contact with the other man (that includes Facebook).

This x1000. Been there done that. It wasn’t worth it. Grass does seem greener, but it’s not. Love is a choice.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I suppose I was reacting to both posts, especially #59. But it is about this woman and she has 2 children.

I advocate for not telling, however I do not think that it’s “all or nothing.” Once one knows, when children are involved, one cannot just make such rash decisions without taking into account that there are children involved. I avoided quoting #59.

Yes, I see what you mean. Thank you for not quoting that post. There is no need to name-call here. Yes, it is more complicated and difficult when children are involved - you don’t just “break up” with the father or mother of your children, because no matter what, the children need to have contact with that other parent.

 

[CDB1718]

I say again that the Church does NOT require a wronged spouse to continue conjugal life with an adulterer. The adulterer who does not confess to the betrayed spouse is adding lies and theft to the wrongs done to the injured spouse. The adulterer is stealing the decision of whether or not to continue conjugal life from the already wronged spouse. Why is this advisable? It is NOT the confession that harms the injured spouse. It is the adultery itself.
Think of the children? How DARE an adulterer use that as a reason to keep from admitting his betrayal? Thinking of the children is what the adulterer ought to have done before betraying his spouse.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

75 responses and the OP has not returned.

 

[Sillara]

Well, it’s not grounds for annulment unless the errant spouse had no intention to be faithful before the marriage took place – i.e., no valid marriage. So, the result is to live together as brother and sister – or divorce and live as adulterers? That’s also not the purpose of marriage either.

Yes, one should think of the children – but either she stays and fixes her marriage or she leaves and lives in adultery with a second man. Because unless she always had the intention to cheat (and there’s simply no reason to believe she entered into the marriage with this idea in mind), those are the only two solutions. A marriage does not exist when one enters into it with the idea “oh well, I can and will cheat.” That does not appear to be the case here. Something happened. This man came into her life again and she did something that she should not have – not that she always had the intention to stray before she married.

I think this is not the question, nor an answer. Whether or not we continue to have conjugal relations if we decide to stay and fix the marriage. It seems the choice is to fix the marriage – and conjugal relations are an integral part of the marital union – one that needs to be fixed if she stays.

On the other hand, if she tells him and he then decides he can no longer have conjugal relations that leaves them both with a strictly platonic marriage, which is part of the problem that she has already stated led her to stray… Since there’s no better alternative – the wise thing would be to fix what already exists in the best way possible and that is to preserve the marriage and the family.

I don’t like where this is going. The question is to admit to the husband or not. We cannot assume all these other scenarios – STD’s, pregnancy, cutting off marital relations, etc. But, yes, “think of the children.” Are they going to better off if the marriage can heal (and if she realizes that she wants to try with her husband by giving up this man) or are they better off living in a broken home.

Willful exclusion of marital fidelity (Canon 1101, 12)
You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, not to remain faithful.

I said nothing about remarriage or anything of the sort. The options are not “live in a marriage where one spouse is deceived into thinking he has a faithful spouse” or "commit adultery by ‘remarriage’. They are “forgive and live together” or “separate (legal divorce if that is necessary) and live chastely apart”.

I meant by conjugal life what the Church means, that is conjugal relations AND the shared life. If the wronged spouse does not wish to live with an adulterous spouse, the Church does NOT require it. It is best, of course, if the injured spouse can forgive and the couple can continue to live together as a family. That is commendable, and the Church praises such an action. (See St. Monica for a good example.) But the Church does NOT require this. And the choice belongs to the injured, innocent spouse, NOT to the adulterous, betraying spouse.

 

[Trishie]

It is such a difficult and painful part of life sometimes, this relationship issue. So much joy, and sometimes, so much sadness.

May God help us to be strong, loving, and faithful in our own marriages, even when temptation or betrayal shatters trust and breaks hearts.

May God help us to support those who need our prayer to add to theirs, to heal and strengthen their marriage relationships.

We ask this strength, of healing, trust, mutual consideration and loving faithfulness in the OP’s marriage and in our own.

 

[John21652]

Hey, I’m female, and my husband said he didn’t do anything, but just the inappropriate contact with a woman while he was in another country was enough to nearly destroy our marriage. He swore up and down that he didn’t do anything sexual with her…But the problem is, how would I ever know?? The trust issue is never going to leave me. Can I trust him? I trusted him and he did something that could have led him to break his vows. Did he? He says he didn’t. I had to let it go in order to go on. I was pregnant with our 2nd son and we had a 2 year old.

No, I would not want to know, even if he did cheat. I wish I hadn’t figured it out. ** He can’t lie very well,** so I suppose he didn’t do anything, because once I really looked at his face, I knew something had happened and kind of stumbled into it.

It is like Paul’s thorn. It will be there for the rest of my life.

It’s the ones who do lie well that have a real character problem. They lie well because lying is an innate aspect of their character. Someone who thinks nothing of lying does not even know how to honour a promise, a committment, or even a deal that doesn’t suit them. They learn to rationalise away what they do and even find it hard to know when they are lying, because , to them, it’s a natural thing to do.

In past centuries a promise was a sacred thing. Regardless of whether it was a business promise, or a marital promise, its sacredness was what was respected. From ancient Rome and on intp early and medievil Europe, a society bound together by vows, oaths and promises and obligations. Research the story of the Roman General Regulus, who was captured by the Carthaginians and paroled so he could travel to Rome to gain the release of carthaginian prisoners of war. In Rome he urged the Romans to keep fighting, then honoured his pledge by returning to Carthage, where he was executed. Society depended upon oaths and vows and promises and so did people’s lives. The breaking of an oth was a serious and shameful thing indeed. A promise, an oath, a vow, created a duty. To break the vow, the oath, the promise, was to fail in the eyes of God and was to fail in the duty willinglingly avowed to one’s fellow man. From that view of promises, we have such things as Contract law, and Marriage Vows.

Shouldn’t marriage vows today be respected even as they were in ancient times? people’s lives depend upon them. Spouses and children may not starve to death because of broken vows, but the harm is still evident. The harm to society as well as to the individuals is still obvious and it is undermining the cohesiveness of society. Children scarred by the broken promise of unconditional love and the broken promise of a loving family home with its security. Spouses scarred because their faith in another’s inability, or unwillingness, to honour promised obligations results in an emotional alienation from society; the inability to trust. We seem very good at measuring the breaking of promises in dollar terms, as we do with contract law, but we don’t seem to be as good as the ancients at realising that there is more to ‘harm’ than simply a monetary value.