In love with someone other than spouse

[Lost_one]

I say again that the Church** does NOT require **a wronged spouse to continue conjugal life with an adulterer. The adulterer who does not confess to the betrayed spouse is adding lies and theft to the wrongs done to the injured spouse. The adulterer is stealing the decision of whether or not to continue conjugal life from the already wronged spouse. Why is this advisable? It is NOT the confession that harms the injured spouse. It is the adultery itself.
Think of the children? How DARE an adulterer use that as a reason to keep from admitting his betrayal? Thinking of the children is what the adulterer ought to have done before betraying his spouse.

“does not require” is not the same as suggesting spearation as the best course of action. Neither is it always good idea to reveal the infidelity, especially if it was a one-time affair. To use your own words: the Church does not require the adulterer reveal the infidelity to the betrayed spouse, neither does the Church maintain the other things you said. The simple fact that the OP asked for help means she want to maintain her marriage (a good decision). The question is: will OP remain faithful and cut all contact with this ex? If the answer is yes, I see no reason to tell the spouse about the infidelity and wound him and the relationship.

 

[Sillara]

“does not require” is not the same as suggesting spearation as the best course of action. Neither is it always good idea to reveal the infidelity, especially if it was a one-time affair. To use your own words: the Church does not require the adulterer reveal the infidelity to the betrayed spouse, neither does the Church maintain the other things you said. The simple fact that the OP asked for help means she want to maintain her marriage (a good decision). The question is: will OP remain faithful and cut all contact with this ex? If the answer is yes, I see no reason to tell the spouse about the infidelity and wound him and the relationship.

I think you misunderstand. I do not say that the Church encourages separation. She encourages forgiveness. But She does not REQUIRE the continuation of conjugal life. She lets the injured spouse determine whether or not he can live in that situation. Why does the adulterer get to choose, rather than the betrayed spouse? And it seems to me that many here are claiming that it is the confession of the betrayal that hurts the injured spouse. It is not the confession. It was the betrayal itself.!

 

[Qwestions]

Can anyone tell me why so many contributors on CAF get so hung up on semantics? And why are little snide digs made? As another poster previously stated, I don’t like where this is going, either.

Sillara, I don’t think anyone who’s read this thread believes that the poor husband is going to be devastated by the confession. We all realize that it’s the actual betrayal that will have his stomach churning and his heart racing in disbelief, but that gut-wrenching reality will occur in the moments during and after the actual confession.

And, yes, we know that the church doesn’t REQUIRE a wronged spouse to live with an adulteror. We also know that we are to confess our sins to a priest, and, if we, the sinners, choose, we can also discuss our sins with whomever. It is my impression that you think this man needs to have the opportunity to denounce his wife: to live together totally platonically, to separate, or to divorce, and that this opportunity is more important than any other aspect of this infidelity. My impression is that you think he should be allowed to decide how this marriage ends up . . .or ends, and that you think the opportunity for him to be judge and jury and extract vengeance, if he wishes, is far greater than the continuation of the marriage. Why else shatter him with a confession if his wife does a 180 degree turnabout?

The OP asked us if she should tell her husband about what, now, is a one-night stand. He loves her and is a good father. She loves him. She’s clearly feeling guilt about thinking of being in love with the former (current) boyfriend. She told us that she and her husband had had a long-standing problem with the sexual aspects of their marriage. In a nutshell, most of us have told her that she’s in lust with the old boyfriend.

Since her husband loves her and their children, and thinks he’s the only man in her life, he’s going to be devastated by the KNOWLEDGE of the betrayal. Why hurt him like that, if the problem can be solved without ripping out his heart? Right now, this marriage can be repaired with a LOT of work and prayer on the part of the OP, and with reading and couples counseling within the church, to work on the sexual fulfillment problems. Without confessing her betrayal to her husband, only the OP, and not her husband, will have the mental anguish to overcome, but ONLY if she severs contact with the old boyfriend, confesses her sin to her priest, and conscientiously does everything that she can think of doing to perfect her marriage. Of course, if she doesn’t totally reject the old boyfriend, then she absolutely needs to immediately confess to her husband.

But if she decides to sever all connection with the old boyfriend, to avoid putting herself into occasions of sin with other men, and to work hard to put into her marriage what has been lacking, what will she accomplish by confessing to her husband at this point?

We know that he will be devastated, emotionally wiped out, totally decimated, and his recovery may be months, or years or never. He may be able to forgive, but their marriage will always be shadowed by his knowledge of this one betrayal. Trust is almost impossible to rebuild. Will he be so distraught that he flubs on his job? And what if he’s the kind of guy who simply can’t consider continuing the marriage? Do you think her confessing to him and providing him with the opportunity to be her judge and jury is more important than continuing the marriage, when she acknowledges that she does still love him? Is his “right” to be her judge and jury of primary importance here, over the continuation of their marriage? Must he endure the physical and mental torture of knowing about the betrayal because he DESERVES to be judge and jury, since he’s the wronged party? If he already knew about it, or if he outright asked her if she’d been unfaithful, then yes, definitey, she should confess to him. But why deliberately hurt him when he doesn’t know that he’s been wronged? Why throw additional obstacles to attaining a happy marriage?

The Church also wants us to preserve the sanctity of marriage. I think that preservation of their marriage supersedes his need to play judge and jury, but only if the OP severs all contact with the old boyfriend. If she continues to see the old boyfriend, or someone else, or knows she’s going to leave the marriage, then she must immediately tell her husband of her infidelity.

What can confessing her adultory to her husband accomplish? I can see no good that can come of mentioning her infidelity at this time. And, no, I definitely don’t condone infidelity, but this marriage needs damage control, not further damage.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Somehow, along the way, probably because of “confession” shows on TV, our society seems to believe that we should be honest AT ALL COSTS, even when that kind of brutal “honesty” harms everyone and benefits no one. There is a perception that there should be no such thing as a secret. People believe that telling all will relieve the guilt and clear the air, when in reality, there are many situations that don’t benefit from being 100% truthful.

The example that always comes to mind is when a woman has cheated on her husband and become pregnant. The man believes the child to be his. The woman then agrees to go on a TV show dedicated to “My husband thinks my baby is his.” There is DNA testing, and the husband is shattered to discover that not only has his wife committed adultery, but that their child is not biologically his. That woman should have GONE TO HER GRAVE with that knowledge, not destroyed her husband and her child. How can anyone benefit from that kind of “honesty?”

Of course the woman shouldn’t have cheated in the first place. That’s a given. But “honesty” for the sake of it, without thought to the consequences, doesn’t fix the original sin, just as having an abortion after a rape doesn’t erase the rape itself. Confess it to your priest and take it to your grave.

 

[Sillara]

Qwestions, TheRealJuliane, (and any others who are questioning what I have posted),

Have you lived this? Do you know what that feels like?

 

[CDB1718]

I think you misunderstand. I do not say that the Church encourages separation. She encourages forgiveness. But She does not REQUIRE the continuation of conjugal life. She lets the injured spouse determine whether or not he can live in that situation. Why does the adulterer get to choose, rather than the betrayed spouse? And it seems to me that many here are claiming that it is the confession of the betrayal that hurts the injured spouse. It is not the confession. It was the betrayal itself.!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Qwestions, TheRealJuliane, (and any others who are questioning what I have posted),

Have you lived this? Do you know what that feels like?

Have I lived what? Secrets that should have been kept until after the grave? Yes.

 

[anp1215]

Somehow, along the way, probably because of “confession” shows on TV, our society seems to believe that we should be honest AT ALL COSTS, even when that kind of brutal “honesty” harms everyone and benefits no one. There is a perception that there should be no such thing as a secret. People believe that telling all will relieve the guilt and clear the air, when in reality, there are many situations that don’t benefit from being 100% truthful.

The example that always comes to mind is when a woman has cheated on her husband and become pregnant. The man believes the child to be his. The woman then agrees to go on a TV show dedicated to “My husband thinks my baby is his.” There is DNA testing, and the husband is shattered to discover that not only has his wife committed adultery, but that their child is not biologically his. That woman should have GONE TO HER GRAVE with that knowledge, not destroyed her husband and her child. How can anyone benefit from that kind of “honesty?”

Of course the woman shouldn’t have cheated in the first place. That’s a given. But “honesty” for the sake of it, without thought to the consequences, doesn’t fix the original sin, just as having an abortion after a rape doesn’t erase the rape itself. Confess it to your priest and take it to your grave.

I have to disagree that a woman pregnant with another man’s baby should not tell her husband. Strongly disagree. On a TV show? Absolutely not. But the husband should KNOW that his wife is having a baby that’s not his, because that means there is someone else out there that is the father, and they should be the ones who are financially responsible for this child, even if the husband lovingly and selflessly decides that he will raise the child as his own. The husband still deserves to know that he is not obligated to parent the child, and the father out there deserves to know that he has a child! Also, as I have reiterated, STDs. STDS. If this woman was pregnant, there’s a very good chance that she has had unprotected sex with this guy (or whoever) more than once. The spouse should know that his wife has been unfaithful and that relations with her could harm him.

 

[Leegal]

Somehow, along the way, probably because of “confession” shows on TV, our society seems to believe that we should be honest AT ALL COSTS, even when that kind of brutal “honesty” harms everyone and benefits no one. There is a perception that there should be no such thing as a secret. People believe that telling all will relieve the guilt and clear the air, when in reality, there are many situations that don’t benefit from being 100% truthful.

The example that always comes to mind is when a woman has cheated on her husband and become pregnant. The man believes the child to be his. The woman then agrees to go on a TV show dedicated to “My husband thinks my baby is his.” There is DNA testing, and the husband is shattered to discover that not only has his wife committed adultery, but that their child is not biologically his. That woman should have GONE TO HER GRAVE with that knowledge, not destroyed her husband and her child. How can anyone benefit from that kind of “honesty?”

Of course the woman shouldn’t have cheated in the first place. That’s a given. But “honesty” for the sake of it, without thought to the consequences, doesn’t fix the original sin, just as having an abortion after a rape doesn’t erase the rape itself. Confess it to your priest and take it to your grave.

I so agree.

 

[EasterJoy]

The question of whether to tell others about transgressions against them of which they are innocent (unknowing) is a very hard one. I think you have to take into account what they would want (if opinions they have voiced let you know that) and the balance of harm and good the disclosure would do. If your husband has always said he wouldn’t want to know because it would hurt too much or because he fears he would do something rash upon learning such news, you ought not tell in order to relieve yourself of the burden of your sin against him.

For instance, if you are pregnant, normally the father would deserve to know. If, OTOH, you live in a situation where it is reasonably certain that the innocent child would bear the brunt of the harm from your disclosure, then you may be bound to hide your sin for the child’s sake. If you reasonably believe that your spouse would kill your lover, you would be bound to hide your sin. In general, however, if you make a solemn vow and then break it, there needs to be a compelling reason to hide the truth… compelling in the harm it would do others, not compelling in that the truth will cause you to go through the unpleasant consequences.

If you do not tell, you still need to repent of the affair, break it off entirely, and do what you can to make amends for the damage you have done.

 

[Khalid]

By your words that you would feel as though murdered and you could not trust your spouse again. I would take it that, for you, this would be indeed more of a setback than the difficulties in the marriage that led her to stray. Possibly one you could not overcome?

“With God, all things are possible,” but I am almost completely certain, barring a miracle, it is something that I could not overcome. As I said, “Maybe this alone should tell you that it should stay between adulterer and priest”.

I’m not completely certain, as I have almost zero personal experience of intimate relationships with the other sex, or sexual relationships at all. I have to do what I do not do - try to extrapolate based on others’ experience, academic psychological studies and profiles of men and women and adultery, and my own instinct and emotional reaction, (instead of reason, which I often in sin have exalted even above revelation) and analogizing a likely reaction in the relationship I do have, in which I think something along the lines of Jesus Christ coming back and yelling, “Screw you all, I didn’t want your worship, go to Hell” (God forbid, God forbid) - in order to analyze the situation.

 

[Khalid]

Hey, I’m female, and my husband said he didn’t do anything, but just the inappropriate contact with a woman while he was in another country was enough to nearly destroy our marriage. He swore up and down that he didn’t do anything sexual with her…But the problem is, how would I ever know?? The trust issue is never going to leave me. Can I trust him? I trusted him and he did something that could have led him to break his vows. Did he? He says he didn’t. I had to let it go in order to go on. I was pregnant with our 2nd son and we had a 2 year old.

No, I would not want to know, even if he did cheat. I wish I hadn’t figured it out. He can’t lie very well, so I suppose he didn’t do anything, because once I really looked at his face, I knew something had happened and kind of stumbled into it.

It is like Paul’s thorn. It will be there for the rest of my life.

I pray for you, in nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti
Holy Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Holy Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Holy Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

St Jude and St Joseph, pray for Juliane, Holy God and Holy Family, pray for and receive prayers for her: endow the grace of strength and further perseverance on her, now and as long as it be required. St Joseph, model of all husbands, cast light on to her husband, so that if he sinneth he may repent, and that if he hath not, it may be known; and, as the future cometh, he shall be endowed with the grace of strength against temptation. In the name of Jesus, our Lord, your Son, I ask this.

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto,
Sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper et in saecula saeculorum.

Amen.

 

[Khalid]

Does that really surprise you?

I believe she probably read the first flurry of responses, and, when not receiving validation for her sin, tried to forget about it.

 

[Kelfa28]

I have to disagree that a woman pregnant with another man’s baby should not tell her husband. Strongly disagree. On a TV show? Absolutely not. But the husband should KNOW that his wife is having a baby that’s not his, because that means there is someone else out there that is the father, and they should be the ones who are financially responsible for this child, even if the husband lovingly and selflessly decides that he will raise the child as his own. The husband still deserves to know that he is not obligated to parent the child, and the father out there deserves to know that he has a child! Also, as I have reiterated, STDs. STDS. If this woman was pregnant, there’s a very good chance that she has had unprotected sex with this guy (or whoever) more than once. The spouse should know that his wife has been unfaithful and that relations with her could harm him.

I completely agree with you. As I understand that sometimes, in certain situations, a secret is a better option for everyone…especially the sinner, this situation has too many variables.

Even with protected sexual intimacy, as everyone is well aware of, you can still become pregnant and you can certainly still contract a harmful and potentially deadly STI that puts an innocent person in danger.

Are we to give advice that says it is better to not disclose activities that can effect the health and well-being of the spouse and hope for the best?

 

[Winter_Warlock]

I am / was in this situation – my wife of over 15 years was carrying on an affair for almost 2 years, telling the other guy she loved him wanted to marry him. If she told me when the affair first happened I may have been more acceptable to trying to work things out, but as it was she never did. We were in counseling for 2 months and I found out that she was still sleeping with the other guy even then. Needless to say NOTHING she can say now will ever let me trust her again, never the less even want to be married to her or even see her again.

I would suggest that you tell your husband about the affair – if you ended it and try to tell him why it happened and try to work things out, or that you cannot be married to him as you love someone else. Why ruin his life and drag him through this, this was one of the most painful things that I have ever had happen to me and would not wish it on my worse enemy.

For those that say do not tell – unless you have been betrayed by someone that took a vow in Gods house to forsake all others, you really have no say in this matter. And if you were and you would have preferred to remain ignorant of the fact that your spouse cheated / is cheating then you need to become stronger and not accept Sin of that caliber.

My opinion only – but from experience.

Winter

 

[1inICXC]

Somehow, along the way, probably because of “confession” shows on TV, our society seems to believe that we should be honest AT ALL COSTS, even when that kind of brutal “honesty” harms everyone and benefits no one. There is a perception that there should be no such thing as a secret. People believe that telling all will relieve the guilt and clear the air, when in reality, there are many situations that don’t benefit from being 100% truthful.

The example that always comes to mind is when a woman has cheated on her husband and become pregnant. The man believes the child to be his. The woman then agrees to go on a TV show dedicated to “My husband thinks my baby is his.” There is DNA testing, and the husband is shattered to discover that not only has his wife committed adultery, but that their child is not biologically his. That woman should have GONE TO HER GRAVE with that knowledge, not destroyed her husband and her child. How can anyone benefit from that kind of "honesty?"

Of course the woman shouldn’t have cheated in the first place. That’s a given. But “honesty” for the sake of it, without thought to the consequences, doesn’t fix the original sin, just as having an abortion after a rape doesn’t erase the rape itself. Confess it to your priest and take it to your grave.

This would be the spouse’s opportunity to earn the crown of martyrdom and sainthood. Would I personally be able to rise up? Probably not… I wish I could handle these kinds of truths however. I wish I could say that if My husband ever confessed something as horrifying as this I would forgive him and raise the child as my own… And with God’s grace any of us, believers, should be able of such supreme act of love and forgiveness. However, given the reality, this would be so unlikely, that generally, I would say it is safer to take it to the grave. I do not, however, lose my trust that there are incredible people out there who would be capable of this kind of love and for them, there would be an immense, spiritual good that would come out of it.

 

[1inICXC]

I am / was in this situation – my wife of over 15 years was carrying on an affair for almost 2 years, telling the other guy she loved him wanted to marry him. If she told me when the affair first happened I may have been more acceptable to trying to work things out, but as it was she never did. We were in counseling for 2 months and I found out that she was still sleeping with the other guy even then. Needless to say NOTHING she can say now will ever let me trust her again, never the less even want to be married to her or even see her again.

I would suggest that you tell your husband about the affair – if you ended it and try to tell him why it happened and try to work things out, or that you cannot be married to him as you love someone else. Why ruin his life and drag him through this, this was one of the most painful things that I have ever had happen to me and would not wish it on my worse enemy.

For those that say do not tell – unless you have been betrayed by someone that took a vow in Gods house to forsake all others, you really have no say in this matter. And if you were and you would have preferred to remain ignorant of the fact that your spouse cheated / is cheating then you need to become stronger and not accept Sin of that caliber.

My opinion only – but from experience.

Winter

You are right, we should be stronger in our faith so as to be able to overcome even in these extreme situations. But, we should also be realistic, if I know I’m going to go through a rage of jealousy, despair, insecurity and lack of trust for the rest of my marriage, then perhaps I should not demand to know these kinds of transgressions. I think most people would have a tendency to that kind of reaction.

At this point I am split as to whether or not it really would be beneficial to tell the truth. It’s the kind of pain that could crush anyone with strong faith, let alone someone who might be just mediocre/lukewarm… Perhaps, a spiritual director who knows both parties would be more suitable to assess which course of action is preferable in each, individual, situation,

 

[Winter_Warlock]

More of a follow on – to be forgiven for our Sins we need to confess our Sins. This I take to mean that not only do we need to confess to our Priest, but to the one we transgress against. As we say in Mass – forgive us our transgressions as we forgive those who transgress against us. If we do not know that our chosen love has transgressed against us how can we forgive them. In my case I know that I will forgive my wife and the other guy (who was also married) but I will never be able to trust, touch, or see her the same as I once did. And yes I am divorcing her – I would rather be single and sometimes lonely than married and miserable. And I know that she would have kept the affair going if I did not find the out the truth, as she would never have told me, and she never said she was sorry or that she regretted the affair.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him. I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.

Hum, I’m not married but the thing that stood out here was while you mentioned your family it was to say how great they were but how unhappy YOU were. Life isn’t all about ourselves. You have kids to consider and the “Old Love” senario is as old as the hills and while it makes for a interesting tv viewing it seldom plays out so well in real life. It usually ends in divorce, broken families and hurt feelings that take years to overcome on both sides unless one of the sides has no conscience. If your husband is a good man as you say he is and is a good father then you owe it to your kids and yourself to make things work. Love is a choice.

 

[anp1215]

I completely agree with you. As I understand that sometimes, in certain situations, a secret is a better option for everyone…especially the sinner, this situation has too many variables.

Even with protected sexual intimacy, as everyone is well aware of, you can still become pregnant and you can certainly still contract a harmful and potentially deadly STI that puts an innocent person in danger.

Are we to give advice that says it is better to not disclose activities that can effect the health and well-being of the spouse and hope for the best?

Yes. And just to clarify to anyone that comes in late, the OP has not said anything about being pregnant. That was a hypothetical situation about a woman who finds herself pregnant with another man’s baby.