In love with someone other than spouse

[TheRealJuliane]

I pray for you, in nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti
Holy Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Holy Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Holy Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

St Jude and St Joseph, pray for Juliane, Holy God and Holy Family, pray for and receive prayers for her: endow the grace of strength and further perseverance on her, now and as long as it be required. St Joseph, model of all husbands, cast light on to her husband, so that if he sinneth he may repent, and that if he hath not, it may be known; and, as the future cometh, he shall be endowed with the grace of strength against temptation. In the name of Jesus, our Lord, your Son, I ask this.

Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto,
Sicut erat in principio, et nunc et semper et in saecula saeculorum.

Amen.

Wow, thank you SO MUCH for those prayers. Totally unexpected and very much welcomed!!

 

[Sillara]

And, yes, we know that the church doesn’t REQUIRE a wronged spouse to live with an adulteror. We also know that we are to confess our sins to a priest, and, if we, the sinners, choose, we can also discuss our sins with whomever. It is my impression that you think this man needs to have the opportunity to denounce his wife: to live together totally platonically, to separate, or to divorce, and that this opportunity is more important than any other aspect of this infidelity. My impression is that you think he should be allowed to decide how this marriage ends up . . .or ends, and that you think the opportunity for him to be judge and jury and extract vengeance, if he wishes, is far greater than the continuation of the marriage. Why else shatter him with a confession if his wife does a 180 degree turnabout?

We know that he will be devastated, emotionally wiped out, totally decimated, and his recovery may be months, or years or never. He may be able to forgive, but their marriage will always be shadowed by his knowledge of this one betrayal. Trust is almost impossible to rebuild. Will he be so distraught that he flubs on his job? And what if he’s the kind of guy who simply can’t consider continuing the marriage? Do you think her confessing to him and providing him with the opportunity to be her judge and jury is more important than continuing the marriage, when she acknowledges that she does still love him? Is his “right” to be her judge and jury of primary importance here, over the continuation of their marriage? Must he endure the physical and mental torture of knowing about the betrayal because he DESERVES to be judge and jury, since he’s the wronged party? If he already knew about it, or if he outright asked her if she’d been unfaithful, then yes, definitey, she should confess to him. But why deliberately hurt him when he doesn’t know that he’s been wronged? Why throw additional obstacles to attaining a happy marriage?

The Church also wants us to preserve the sanctity of marriage. I think that preservation of their marriage supersedes his need to play judge and jury, but only if the OP severs all contact with the old boyfriend. If she continues to see the old boyfriend, or someone else, or knows she’s going to leave the marriage, then she must immediately tell her husband of her infidelity.

What can confessing her adultory to her husband accomplish? I can see no good that can come of mentioning her infidelity at this time. And, no, I definitely don’t condone infidelity, but this marriage needs damage control, not further damage.

It isn’t that he should get to be “judge and jury”. It is that, because they are not required to live together, one or the other of the couple decides whether or not they do. Most people here seem to think the adulterous spouse should get to make that decision, whereas I think that decision properly belongs to the injured spouse, who by the way, is the one the Church mentions making this decision.

 

[Kelfa28]

No one has mentioned STIs. Okay, so she isn’t pregnant but she could be carrying a disease.

I think it’s incredibly selfish for a spouse to freely commit adultery and then choose to go back to his/her spouse and continue an intimate relationship without disclosure about giving that spouse a sexually transmitted infection/disease.

That spouse may be very sorry and willing to work through their problems but she could still infect the spouse.

So she decides to get tested and remains abstinent to protect her spouse and her spouse asks why…

I guess it just doesn’t seem realistic to keep this discretion a secret without seriously endangering the health of the spouse.

 

[anp1215]

No one has mentioned STIs. Okay, so she isn’t pregnant but she could be carrying a disease.

I think it’s incredibly selfish for a spouse to freely commit adultery and then choose to go back to his/her spouse and continue an intimate relationship without disclosure about giving that spouse a sexually transmitted infection/disease.

That spouse may be very sorry and willing to work through their problems but she could still infect the spouse.

So she decides to get tested and remains abstinent to protect her spouse and her spouse asks why…

I guess it just doesn’t seem realistic to keep this discretion a secret without seriously endangering the health of the spouse.

Go back through the thread. I mentioned this a few times.

 

[kbachler]

This is incorrect. Feelings are also thoughts. We do have control over our emotions and feelings. Lust is a feeling and an emotion. To choose to mull upon feelings which are actually lusts is a grave sin.
Regenerate Christians are not slaves to their feelings. Feelings which are allowed to grow and fester can move from being little desires to a fire that rages with lust. When that happens there is no more choice of what we do, we become slaves to our desires and our power to choose what we do is almost entirely overwhelmed.

Therefore we must pay very close attention to foster legitimate feelings and desires and to curb and restrain illicit feelings, desires and lusts before they balloon into uncontrollable sin.

The apostle James explains this
“1:14 But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.”

Frightening stuff. So the place to nip it in the bud is at the “temptation” stage. If it gets to the “feeling” stage, then that is lust. So the time to control ourselves is where we choose what thoughts to allow into our mind.

Sorry, you feel what you feel. Feelings originate in the limbic system, not in the rational area of the brain. You can take steps to try to change the way you feel. You can change your environment. You can act in various ways. You cannot generally will away feelings. This burying of feelings is what leads to psychological breakdowns. Feelings must be accepted and managed.

 

[kbachler]

Congratulations, illinoisgirl, on having the courage and honesty to post here!

It is easy for us to tell you what to do, but you know what turmoil you are going through now.

I feel that I am in a position to say “I understand”, because I have been the husband in this situation. Your post could almost have been, word for word, something my ex-wife would have written when she had an affair and was wondering whether to stay with me. Similar to your case it was after 10 years of marriage, but the difference was that I knew all about the affair, and she put me through several months of agony as she mulled over her choices. She was “in love” with this man. Everything about their relationship “felt right”. She sort of loved me, as a friend, but not as a husband and she felt that to stay with me would not be fair to me or the children. (Btw, their affair was not a sudden fling either. We had known the man for years)

However, my ex-wife would not have had the courage expose her situation to other Catholics as you have. She had already left the church, and all religion, effectively, and leaving me was the final step.

So, your plight is somewhat similar to the choices my ex-wife faced after 10 years of marriage. You probably know, or should know, that it is also the plight of millions and millions of spouses, male and female, at some point in their marriage. Each one feels that their “love” for the other person is something special and blessed. This is where adultery comes from. It is rarely a purely “sexual” fling - it is accompanied by strong feelings and a sense of “rightness”.

Your situation probably feels unique and special, but it is not. Many have experienced it. Many (most?) have chosen to remain faithful to their spouse, and others have not. Those who have left their marriage have ended up in the same situations. The second relationship becomes less “special” over time, and usually ends within a few years. They are then alone, and looking for the next relationship. My ex-wife and the other man lasted 15 years, but she is with someone new now. Their original “love” (from the affair) has become completely dead - they don’t even talk anymore.

While the adulterous spouse is taking years to discover what everyone else already knows (ie. that adultery doesn’t work) they cause immense harm to their children and the spouse they have left. There is the obvious emotional harm. There is also often significant financial disadvantage as the two parents stop providing one home, and working together on the financial future. They also stop working together on the raising of the children. There are some misguided psyschologists and counsellors who will tell you that you can raise the children just well when you are divorced. Bull! Utter bull! The damage to the children will run through the rest of their childhood and into their adult life.

Thanks for posting here.

Please listen to the wisdom of history, of the Church, of the Ten Commandments, of Jesus, which all tell us that is adultery is wrong - period. No ifs, buts, or exceptions. Listen to these voices, rather than the voices in your head.

Please, please, break off all contact with this other person and be faithful to your husband. Think about the best things about him. You CAN let go of this other person. You CAN still have a wonderful marriage and happiness.

Please go to confession and keep going while you work this through.

As most people here have advised, don’t tell your husband. However, I would recommend that you do find someone else to confide in and give you a “reality check” while you work this thru. A good Catholic woman, who will listen without judging you would be best.

I am praying for you and your family.

Edmundus

Good post. Some other points…to the OP.

Much of what you “feel” in a situation like this is actually the act of hormones exciting your brain. I don’t mean just sexual hormones. But there are several at work here that will make you feel more “alive”. In other words, there is an internal chemical response to the situation, much like being high.

Give yourself time. Also, find counseling. AND you may need to get hubby into counseling.

When a marriage is sick, there are generally contributing factors from both parties. You mentioned sexual incompatibility. There may well be more. Both of you need to work on these, or the probability is that something like this will happen again.

This doesn’t excuse what happened. It was wrong. At some point for your marriage to be healthy, you may need to share this. But for now, go, find expert help.

 

[kbachler]

Hum, I’m not married but the thing that stood out here was while you mentioned your family it was to say how great they were but how unhappy YOU were. Life isn’t all about ourselves. You have kids to consider and the “Old Love” senario is as old as the hills and while it makes for a interesting tv viewing it seldom plays out so well in real life. It usually ends in divorce, broken families and hurt feelings that take years to overcome on both sides unless one of the sides has no conscience. If your husband is a good man as you say he is and is a good father then you owe it to your kids and yourself to make things work. Love is a choice.

How about saying to the rest of the family " Life isn’t all about ourselves." - his wife/their mother is unhappy. Shouldn’t the entire family be concerned about that?

 

[fbl9]

I ask how can the repair of the OP’s marriage take place without what were the influencing factors, being corrected. The affair would come out in the course of the repair.

 

[Barbkw]

How about saying to the rest of the family " Life isn’t all about ourselves." - his wife/their mother is unhappy. Shouldn’t the entire family be concerned about that?

The entire family, no.

She however, should seek spiritual guidance to control her thoughts and actions in order that she learn to protect her family and her husband.

 

[Nicea325]

I have been married for over a decade and have 2 young children. My spouse and I have always had some sexual incompatibility issues, and I have recently given into temptation (adultery) with my first love who has come back into my life. I find myself in love with this person who is not my husband but I do still love my husband - who happens to be a wonderful father. It is simply that my love for my husband seems more platonic. My husband does not know of my infidelity. (It happened only once.) I do not know whether to tell him. I also do not know if it is fair to him if I stay with him because of the children when I secretly love another. I talked to a priest but did not get definitive answers. I am depressed and confused. Thank you.

Are you sure it is not lust?

 

[kbachler]

The entire family, no.

She however, should seek spiritual guidance to control her thoughts and actions in order that she learn to protect her family and her husband.

Odd. I would think that if any family member is unhappy, that the entire family should be concerned.

 

[Barbkw]

Odd. I would think that if any family member is unhappy, that the entire family should be concerned.

Apply your sentence to the actions that this mother and wife took in order to be sexually happy. Should she leave her husband and family - what happens when her new lover looses his edge and she again finds herself “unhappy”.

She herself admits that her husband is a wonderful husband and father. Yet, she’s not happy with him.

Both contentment and/or discontentment are personal emotional choices.

 

[kbachler]

Apply your sentence to the actions that this mother and wife took in order to be sexually happy. Should she leave her husband and family - what happens when her new lover looses his edge and she again finds herself “unhappy”.

She herself admits that her husband is a wonderful husband and father. Yet, she’s not happy with him.

Both contentment and/or discontentment are personal emotional choices.

I think you misunderstand what I said.

I never said her actions were ok, nor did I say to apply the sentence to HER. I said to apply it to the others in the family.

Contentment and discontentment are not just choices. Feelings are feelings. Actions to work within those feelings are choices.

My point is simple - there is something wrong with the family. If everyone is happy and one person is not, the FAMILY is still ill. The entire family may well need treatment, not just the one member.

 

[Barbkw]

She wrote that the man she married was both a great father and husband.

She valued her sexual happiness over her family’s happiness and acted upon it. Her inability to sacrifice for her family is a spiritual problem.

 

[EasterJoy]

How about saying to the rest of the family " Life isn’t all about ourselves." - his wife/their mother is unhappy. Shouldn’t the entire family be concerned about that?

She is discontented, and that is important. While the affair was a sinful way to address her discontent, we cannot jump to the conclusion that her discontent is itself rooted in her own selfishness. It could be rooted in a selfishness or self-centeredness in her husband that comes out in their sex life and that he is aware of but unwilling to change–“he is a ‘great’ husband, *but…”. *In spite of his giving nature in all other respects, his selfishness or blindness to her needs in that limited sphere may have left her vulnerable to sexual sin of her own. After all, if she thought indulging herself was her only duty in life, why would she post here?

OK, so let us say that she has a problem with her marriage that is not her fault or not entirely her fault. Maybe it is not anyone’s fault, so much as it is a difficulty of the kind that can arise due to natural differences between spouses…natural differences meant to be bridged by supernatural attitudes of grace on both sides. Let us say that she has done a lot of work to address this problem and feels discouraged about reaching a solution. Giving herself permission to leave her husband and family for a different lover and totally disregarding the unhappiness she feels in her marriage “for the sake of everybody else” are hardly her only two options.

She and her husband have not come to a meeting of the minds with regards to their sexual relationship. That was and is something to work on. When it was not worked out to their mutual satisfaction, the temptation of extramarital affairs became a much greater danger. That doesn’t mean that one fall necessarily spells the end of her marriage, but the urgency of working on her primary relationship with her husband is obviously great.

I think she needs to be encouraged to get back into her marriage and give her all to make it succeed. She needs to be encouraged that others have gone through what she is going through and have emerged still married and in a better marriage at that (not because of the affair but because the work the affair showed needed to be done was actually done). She needs to find guidance to work on her first attempt at marriage until all options with it are exhausted, and then and only then look into whether the marriage was ever valid in the first place.

When, and only when, it becomes clear by failure to live in peace and a subsequent finding by a tribunal that her first attempt at marriage was not valid, then she can entertain the possibility of a second attempt at marriage. Until then, it is either live in peace with the man she chose or else, forced by the impossibility of living in peace, live without a husband at all. The Catholic Church teaches that this is the nature of the commitment she made when she married. It is the intention of the Church to be with married couples as they go through the difficulties this can present. The Church does not exist to make rules, but teaches what the reality of the nature of love makes the law and gives pastoral support to help us all with the task of living that law. By all means, she should avail herself of that help whereever she can get it.

If the husband she has is better than no husband at all, then by all means, she ought to quit looking where the grass seems greener. Those are not pastures open to her. She has moral options, but her lover is not one of them.

 

[cviolette]

She is discontented, and that is important. While the affair was a sinful way to address her discontent, we cannot jump to the conclusion that her discontent is itself rooted in her own selfishness. It could be rooted in a selfishness or self-centeredness in her husband that comes out in their sex life and that he is aware of but unwilling to change–“he is a ‘great’ husband, *but…”. *In spite of his giving nature in all other respects, his selfishness or blindness to her needs in that limited sphere may have left her vulnerable to sexual sin of her own. After all, if she thought indulging herself was her only duty in life, why would she post here?

OK, so let us say that she has a problem with her marriage that is not her fault or not entirely her fault. Maybe it is not anyone’s fault, so much as it is a difficulty of the kind that can arise due to natural differences between spouses…natural differences meant to be bridged by supernatural attitudes of grace on both sides. Let us say that she has done a lot of work to address this problem and feels discouraged about reaching a solution. Giving herself permission to leave her husband and family for a different lover and totally disregarding the unhappiness she feels in her marriage “for the sake of everybody else” are hardly her only two options.

She and her husband have not come to a meeting of the minds with regards to their sexual relationship. That was and is something to work on. When it was not worked out to their mutual satisfaction, the temptation of extramarital affairs became a much greater danger. That doesn’t mean that one fall necessarily spells the end of her marriage, but the urgency of working on her primary relationship with her husband is obviously great.

I think she needs to be encouraged to get back into her marriage and give her all to make it succeed. She needs to be encouraged that others have gone through what she is going through and have emerged still married and in a better marriage at that (not because of the affair but because the work the affair showed needed to be done was actually done). She needs to find guidance to work on her first attempt at marriage until all options with it are exhausted, and then and only then look into whether the marriage was ever valid in the first place.

When, and only when, it becomes clear by failure to live in peace and a subsequent finding by a tribunal that her first attempt at marriage was not valid, then she can entertain the possibility of a second attempt at marriage. Until then, it is either live in peace with the man she chose or else, forced by the impossibility of living in peace, live without a husband at all. The Catholic Church teaches that this is the nature of the commitment she made when she married. It is the intention of the Church to be with married couples as they go through the difficulties this can present. The Church does not exist to make rules, but teaches what the reality of the nature of love makes the law and gives pastoral support to help us all with the task of living that law. By all means, she should avail herself of that help whereever she can get it.

If the husband she has is better than no husband at all, then by all means, she ought to quit looking where the grass seems greener. Those are not pastures open to her. She has moral options, but her lover is not one of them.

great post. As someone who has been in her position, I totally agree with you.

 

[Khalid]

More of a follow on – to be forgiven for our Sins we need to confess our Sins. This I take to mean that not only do we need to confess to our Priest, but to the one we transgress against. As we say in Mass – forgive us our transgressions as we forgive those who transgress against us. If we do not know that our chosen love has transgressed against us how can we forgive them. In my case I know that I will forgive my wife and the other guy (who was also married) but I will never be able to trust, touch, or see her the same as I once did. And yes I am divorcing her – I would rather be single and sometimes lonely than married and miserable. And I know that she would have kept the affair going if I did not find the out the truth, as she would never have told me, and she never said she was sorry or that she regretted the affair.

Now, isn’t that a perfect illustration of why “forgive us our debts…as our debtors” is the best translation?

Sorry, you feel what you feel. Feelings originate in the limbic system, not in the rational area of the brain. You can take steps to try to change the way you feel. You can change your environment. You can act in various ways. You cannot generally will away feelings. This burying of feelings is what leads to psychological breakdowns. Feelings must be accepted and managed.

Rational area of the brain = (pre)frontal cortex and several other centers, all subordinate. Emotional area of the brain: amygdala, dentate and cingulate gyri, which are part of the limbic system, and especially the nucleus accumbens, which is not, and is instrumental in mind=brain neuroimaging models of addiction, risk-reward and related behaviors, of which adultery clearly falls (oddly enough the piriform cortex and septal nuclei, involved in smell, are also heavily involved, mostly because the septal nuclei provide the most interconnection between those various parts, I believe). The entire emotional thing, from hormones to the brain, is called the “LHPA axis” (limbic-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal).

I digress.

 

[Khalid]

Sorry, you feel what you feel. Feelings originate in the limbic system, not in the rational area of the brain. You can take steps to try to change the way you feel. You can change your environment. You can act in various ways. You cannot generally will away feelings. This burying of feelings is what leads to psychological breakdowns. Feelings must be accepted and managed.

Rational area of the brain = (pre)frontal cortex and several other centers, all subordinate. Emotional area of the brain: amygdala, dentate and cingulate gyri, which are part of the limbic system, and especially the nucleus accumbens, which is not, and is instrumental in mind=brain neuroimaging models of addiction, risk-reward and related behaviors, of which adultery clearly falls (oddly enough the piriform cortex and septal nuclei, involved in smell, are also heavily involved, mostly because the septal nuclei provide the most interconnection between those various parts, I believe). The entire emotional thing, from hormones to the brain, is called the “LHPA axis” (limbic-hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal).

I digress.

 

[Khalid]

Odd. I would think that if any family member is unhappy, that the entire family should be concerned.

Sex≠happiness, comfort, satisfaction, importance.

The situation sounds like someone bored with the sex (likely because of the serial-monogamous programming of American culture, along with personal failings), not a lack of satisfaction or happiness. “Platonic love” has much more in common with happiness and fulfillment than does lust, as lust usually ends diametrically opposed to all things good for all parties involved.

 

[EasterJoy]

Sex≠happiness, comfort, satisfaction, importance.

The situation sounds like someone bored with the sex (likely because of the serial-monogamous programming of American culture, along with personal failings), not a lack of satisfaction or happiness. “Platonic love” has much more in common with happiness and fulfillment than does lust, as lust usually ends diametrically opposed to all things good for all parties involved.

Where did you get that? Sex is important. Sex is, in fact, required by the very nature of marriage.

Can. 1084 §1. Antecedent and perpetual impotence to have intercourse, whether on the part of the man or the woman, whether absolute or relative, nullifies marriage by its very nature.

**Can. 1135 **Each spouse has an equal duty and right to those things which belong to the partnership of conjugal life

If the husband is holding himself out of their sexual relationship, his wife should not be chided for feeling the loss of that satisfaction, nor for placing undue importance in her desire. That desire is built into the very nature of marriage. That is why sexual relations belong to the duties and rights of marriage, and no less for the wife than for her husband. Don’t try to drain Catholic marriage of sex or the physical comforts inherent in marriage and then blame those who feel unsatisfied on an improper fixation on “American culture”! That is wrong-headed!