Thank you sincerely to everyone who offered encouragement and reassurance. As is true for many people, my inner voice is not very charitable these days and it means a great deal to me that those of you who have offered kind words and even prayers have taken the time to comfort a fearful soul. You have been Christ to me in this message.
To answer the questions and offer more background, I have spoken to my husband. It’s actually his response that has brought my fears far enough to the surface to finally seek advice. He wants another child soon. We have recently moved home after law school and he is settling into a new job. We just haven’t hit our stride yet with a balance of help with the baby, time together, and all the rest that comes with times of transition. Often, I feel overwhelmed and alone. I’ve given up everything that composed my very simple, uncluttered life before the baby and to be told that my husband wants to volunteer me for double the work when I haven’t even regained the vestiges of my small joys from this baby… It makes me feel unheard. He’s gone so much, he doesn’t understand the implications of his desires-- I hear, I want your life smaller. Less of you, more of the children I spend so little time with thanks to my long working hours.
The original topic is becoming derailed, so I digress. I hope to find spiritual direction soon. I’m new all over again to my hometown so I don’t know who to turn to yet, but that’s not the problem of anyone here. All will be well.
Nah, I think this is very much related and on-topic.
That’s a conversation you need to have.
I have a friend who has a similar situation (husband in big professional job with long hours that doesn’t do a lot at home or see the kids much but wants more kids) and I think it’s a pretty big deal (and a second child is a big deal). I think it does make sense to reach some sort of equilibrium before moving forward.
By the way, talk to your pediatrician about his or her opinion of a good time for your 1-year-old to start a group setting. My pediatrician OKed it before 2 years and recommended starting in the summer in order to avoid starting during cold and flu season. Apparently, there’s a point at which the child matures to the point where ear infections are less likely. I love preschool and parents’ day out (although I had to pull my oldest out of preschool because of repeated illness). Our local parents’ day out is 5.5 hours for $15, so about $60 for a month. We started our youngest just a month before she turned 2. That’s younger than we’ve gone with our older kids (they started preschool and PDO at 3+ and nearly 3.5), but so far it’s been a glorious success. If baby starts getting sick repeatedly, I may have to pull her out, but she’s been in about 5 or 6 weeks so far and it’s been fabulous. I’ve caught up my email to only being about three weeks late, I got a haircut, I got a flu shot–it’s great. I may even manage a mammogram in a month or so.
I’m a huge fan of PDO. For me, it removes the sense of crisis or impending doom. If I remember anything I’m behind on, I just think to myself, “I’ll do it on PDO day, so I don’t need to think about it now.”
Another thing, if you have the funds, regular cleaning help could be very nice. That’s another thing that removes a lot of stress and sense of impending doom. Rather than thinking, “There’s the dirt that I have to deal with or it’s only going to get worse!!!” I can think, “Oh, dirt. Cleaning lady is coming Wednesday.”
Bear in mind that your husband is a newbie and he probably hasn’t figured out how stuff works. Here’s a true story that I’ve heard a couple of times.
Wife: [cleaning up under ground zero under toddler’s highchair after one of toddler’s 6 daily meals]
Husband: We have a cleaning lady. Why do you need to do that?
A friend had that conversation recently, I think I may have had it, and I suspect that yet another friend had it, too. It is a very revealing conversation, because it shows that in each case, the husband seriously believed that it was possible to feed a child 6 times a day, 30 days a month, with peas, pureed squash, oatmeal and Cheerios flying everywhere, and for a monthly or twice monthly cleaning to keep their kitchen from turning into a landfill/ant farm. My friend’s husband had fought her long and hard on getting a cleaning lady but finally gave up and they had that conversation once they had help coming. The conversation explains so much of why he didn’t orginally want her to have a cleaning lady–if you parse it out, he seriously believed that all the cleaning that needs to be done at home can be done with a heavy cleaning twice a month, and there’s no need to clean up anything in between.
I say this not to husband-bash, but just to explain that there is a learning curve involved for daddies, just as there is for mommies, and your husband may not be clear on exactly how much work is involved in just keeping your home from turning into an indoor landfill. He may also not understand what your needs for downtime are. Don’t keep him in the dark.
Work that out, and the second baby thing may be easy to resolve.
Good luck!
