Inexpensive, unstressful weddings

[Brenda_V]

Start now by teaching your daughters the kinds of values that would embrace a small, inexpensive wedding.

When they are older talk to them about their dreams and hopes regarding a wedding, then sit down with the real numbers of what those things cost. You simply say $xxxx is the budget and let them plan around that-- and you do not have to pay for everything or anything at all, they can save and pay their own way.

Great advice.

The stress mostly comes in from personalities-- mothers, mother-in-laws, brides, etc. Have a family meeting at the beginning of the engagement, set the budget, set the guest list, and set the expectations. All should go smoothly from there.

This was really what started this whole thread - a previous thread about someone not following said set expectations .

One thing we all must remember is that we are all human and even when we sit down and set expectations, sometimes something will happen that someone who is (and should be) heavily involved doesn’t follow through on their part and maybe even does something extra, then someone else becomes inflexible and things escalate! Communication can indeed go a long way to relieve some of this kind of stress as well as being willing to be flexible.

Brenda V.

 

[newf]

The stress mostly comes in from personalities-- mothers, mother-in-laws, brides, etc. Have a family meeting at the beginning of the engagement, set the budget, set the guest list, and set the expectations. All should go smoothly from there.

Right!

Also, I think it’s much less stress if one party pays for the whole thing. In our daughter’s case, we covered the total cost of the wedding day…everything from the church to the flowers to the food and the band, everything. We did it gladly. It went smoothly.

 

[lotusblossom]

Reading about other people’s weddings I find myself thinking that all that fuss and bother isn’t worth one day out of your whole life. As I have daughters who will probably want a wedding, I was wondering is there anyway to have a stress free, fun, inexpensive wedding?

All the stories that I hear just sound depressing.

There definitely is, but I think, like one poster mentioned, that the stress doesn’t come from the expenses necessarily but from the personalities involved. I had one friend who had to pay for her own wedding (she and her husband were both in school and getting married after graduation) because her own CATHOLIC mother didn’t approve (they’re both incredibly strong Catholics and very level-headed, mature people). Her own marriage had been on the rocks for several years and she didn’t think her daughter should be making the same mistake, but she really had no grounds. They spent minimal money on their wedding and it was beautiful and fun and incredibly small. But the planning aspect was not so fun, esp. in the beginning.

I would say that I LOVED planning for my wedding and the day itself was stress-free (minus some conflicts with the photographers and the parish where I was married). My wedding cost a good amount because of the size (we invited over 400 and had almost 200 there), but both sides were very willing to pay for it. Also, the main stress that occurred during the weddding planning was the clashing personalities of my mother in law, my mom, and myself. Short of that, it was great! I’d say the best thing is to be supportive of your daughters and their decisions with this. If you and your husband are paying, and your daughters request extravagant weddings that you cannot afford, see if there’s options to make it beautiful that they would be willing to bend and explain gently that you can’t afford this, nor is it really worth it. Time is necessary to have a simple wedding, I think. You have to dig, unless you are an overly creative person to begin with (which I am not), to find good deals, but it’s worth every penny saved!

 

[Anne1964]

Our wedding budget was $4000 and we came in at $3800 if I remember correctly. We were married in a state park on a Sunday morning (no, I wasn’t practicing my faith then, and yes, I have had my marriage convalidated ). Two of my friends were in charge of setting up the chairs and returning them after the ceremony. We did not have bridesmaids, matron of honor or best man.

For the reception we had a breakfast buffet at a very nicely decorated restaurant nearby. We had 45 guests. The most expensive item was the photography, and that was with a discount as the photographers were friends. I couldn’t find a dress I liked so I hired a costume designer to make a victorian wedding gown for me and it was gorgeous, all hand-stitched for $600.

I bought the flowers for my bouquet at a local grocery store the evening before the wedding and made my own bouquet. The restaurant provided table decorations.

We had our cake custom designed with an outdoor theme and it was awesome! It had little animals and trees on it. The kids circled it like sharks moving in for the kill. We let them take all the animals once we were finished eating.

The only negative note during the planning and on the day was my mother-in-law trying to run the show. She was appalled that we had a non-traditional cake and that I didn’t purchase flowers for the tables. My husband pulled her aside and politely, but firmly told her that is was our day, not hers, and that we were happy with our arrangements. Aside from some eye-rolling and deep sighing from my MIL that was the end of that.

 

[maria29]

There definitely is, but I think, like one poster mentioned, that the stress doesn’t come from the expenses necessarily but from the personalities involved. I had one friend who had to pay for her own wedding (she and her husband were both in school and getting married after graduation) because her own CATHOLIC mother didn’t approve (they’re both incredibly strong Catholics and very level-headed, mature people). Her own marriage had been on the rocks for several years and she didn’t think her daughter should be making the same mistake, but she really had no grounds. They spent minimal money on their wedding and it was beautiful and fun and incredibly small. But the planning aspect was not so fun, esp. in the beginning.

I would say that I LOVED planning for my wedding and the day itself was stress-free (minus some conflicts with the photographers and the parish where I was married). My wedding cost a good amount because of the size (we invited over 400 and had almost 200 there), but both sides were very willing to pay for it. Also, the main stress that occurred during the weddding planning was the clashing personalities of my mother in law, my mom, and myself. Short of that, it was great! I’d say the best thing is to be supportive of your daughters and their decisions with this. If you and your husband are paying, and your daughters request extravagant weddings that you cannot afford, see if there’s options to make it beautiful that they would be willing to bend and explain gently that you can’t afford this, nor is it really worth it. Time is necessary to have a simple wedding, I think. You have to dig, unless you are an overly creative person to begin with (which I am not), to find good deals, but it’s worth every penny saved!

**I am impressed you know that many people You must be a great friend!!! **

 

[1ke]

Right!

Also, I think it’s much less stress if one party pays for the whole thing. In our daughter’s case, we covered the total cost of the wedding day…everything from the church to the flowers to the food and the band, everything. We did it gladly. It went smoothly.

Actually, it worked well for us to have everyone contribute money and then I spent it all…

DH and I were older, and on our own, so here’s how we handled it… I talked to my mom & dad (they are divorced) individually andt told them I was setting up my wedding budget and wanted to know what, if anything, they might like to contribute. My mom and dad both gave me a number, mome wrote a check and dad went on a monthly payment plan (as he jokes) and sent me checks over a period of several months. I added to that the money DH and I had in savings, and put it all in a wedding bank account. DH’s parents gave their contribution which was for the Rehearsal Dinner and I booked that also.

I then handled all the details, knowing my budget I could decide where the money got spent. I could put the money towards what was important to me-- so I splurged on a string quartet for the liturgy then I worked on finding an inexpensive florist, etc.

This system worked beautifully. The parents gave the money, but it was without any strings attached. I’ve heard of brides who had their parents pay for specific things-- like flowers-- turn into a nightmare because if Mom is paying for the flowers, she wants bright yellow daisies and the bride wants roses… and Mom thinks she’s entitled to get the flowers she wants because she’s paying for them…

The put-the-money-in-the-pot and let the bride-to-be spend it worked great for us.

 

[newf]

The parents gave the money, but it was without any strings attached. I’ve heard of brides who had their parents pay for specific things-- like flowers-- turn into a nightmare because if Mom is paying for the flowers, she wants bright yellow daisies and the bride wants roses… and Mom thinks she’s entitled to get the flowers she wants because she’s paying for them…

The put-the-money-in-the-pot and let the bride-to-be spend it worked great for us.

Actually, 1ke, we are thinking the same way. One person put the wedding together. In your case, it was you. In my daughter’s case, it was me. (And now I have another daughter who just became engaged, so it is me again). But the thing is, I am close with my girls. I am choosing things they want along with them. The groom’s side just needs to sit back and relax, we have all the bases covered. Also, I should mention the weddings are here where I live, but both my brides live in other states…so it’s easier for me to do the footwork…

You are right that the nightmares begin when other people start making decisions. That is exactly why we choose to cover the expenses ourselves. No muss, no fuss.

 

[CatholicSam]

I also think there is a difference between staying in a budget and being cheap.

I HATE weddings with no booze or a pay for your own.

I hate weddings *with *booze. I’ve yet to attend one of those where everyone in attendance behaves him/herself. You always have at least one or two people who go out of control. It seems to bring the nuts out of the woodwork.

By the way, at my own wedding we had no booze. My groom was still a few weeks away from his 21st birthday Besides, we married in the morning, and anyone desperate enough to need a drink at that time of day wasn’t on our guest list

We married on the Feast of the Visitation, and last year for our anniversary, we did the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary according to St. Louis de Montfort. I can’t recommend highly enough picking your wedding day according to the Liturgical Calendar. Look at the month you want, and see what feast days are coming up at that time. Let me tell you, it made it that much more special for us (and for those of our guests who were devout Catholics). It’s a way to add “specialness” to your wedding absolutely free!

 

[deb1]

All of you gave good advice.

Hopefully, many, many years from now when my daughters are getting married they will want nice simple weddings. Of course my girls aren’t even teenagers yet so I am prestressing about stressing.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

This was really what started this whole thread - a previous thread about someone not following said set expectations .

One thing we all must remember is that we are all human and even when we sit down and set expectations, sometimes something will happen that someone who is (and should be) heavily involved doesn’t follow through on their part and maybe even does something extra, then someone else becomes inflexible and things escalate! Communication can indeed go a long way to relieve some of this kind of stress as well as being willing to be flexible.

Brenda V.

Nearly every time somebody gets angry or gets their feelings hurt, wedding or not, it is because they had expectations that were violated. If you don’t expect the rest of the world to always meet your expectations and do make your own expectations of yourself geared to suit God instead of human beings, you will be much happier…and that goes double for weddings. Normal people vie for places near the center of attention. Expectations soar. Feelings get hurt, tempers flare, and affections are cooled…all for the sake of a “joyful” and “special” day. It is like Christmas, if Christmas only came once in a lifetime. When the center strays from God and the whole point of the celebration, a beautiful time can get very ugly…to the point that some people start wishing the whole thing would go away.

Back to the OP…if you go in expecting that some things almost certainly will go wrong, it isn’t such a crisis when they do. There is something that happens at every wedding, because there is something that happens every day of our lives. The difference is that we sometimes spend months hoping, planning, and working to suspend that inevitable reality for the sake of that one day.

Like Christmas, too, there are people whose livelihood sometimes prompt them to encourage those expectations to go overboard. That is something to look out for. Responsible people in the wedding industry aren’t selling perfection or unrealistic fantasies. They can’t deliver it. They do their customers a disservice if they imply that they can. When you point out the unscrupulous people who do this to Christmas, don’t fail to tip your daughters off to people who will seek to the same things to their wedding day.

Get everyone on to Rule #1 of Weddings, which is also Rule #1 of a Peaceful Life: Just because you expect something doesn’t mean that reality will dish that up for you. There is hardly a day that goes by that this rule will not lower your stress level. If your daughters sell themselves on the idea of a small wedding…fine. They need to know going in that if one of them finds a groom who is the youngest in a family of 12, with parents who each came from families of 12, a small wedding may not be in the cards for her, even if she is willing to exclude all her closest friends from college. Personal hopes should not be allowed to become ironclad expectations.

As for your daughters, they need to know that weddings are just like Christmas: days worth looking forward to, days worth some effort to make them special, but in the end, just one day…and not the Last One. Perspective cures a multitude of special event ills.

 

[lotusblossom]

**I am impressed you know that many people You must be a great friend!!! **

Lol! Oh, the “advantages” of big families plus moving about 5 or 6 times throughout my life! I’m an expert at keeping in touch and added to that is the fact that I went to a Catholic college, where you naturally make a ton of friends - good friends .

 

[Thursday1]

**
The two things that i didn’t want to skimp on too much and spent most of money on was the food and the photography…I cannot stress enough the importance of a good photographer and making sure you see their work…Also I can’t stress this enough MAKE SURE YOU GET THE NEGATIVES! (i used to work in a professional camera lab, where i dealt with so many brides and heard so many sob stories about horrible photographers)

**

There are very few photographers who will just give the negatives (film or digital). Historically, reprints are where the photographer made the most money. It is changing somewhat now, as reprints are not the cash cow they were before. Some photographers will sell you the rights to negatives, but that might be another $5,000 to $10,000. Some won’t do it for any reason for quality reasons. If they let you have the negatives (assume digital) and you blow it up 1000% and have it printed, and it looks awful, it might hurt the photographers business in the future.
As for sob stories about horrible photographers, you get what you pay for. Now the market is being glutted with hundreds of wannabes with a cheap dSLR and a slow kit zoom and built in flash who will charge $500 for a complete wedding. Don’t go with them!

That’s all for now from this Photographer.

Yours in Christ,
Thursday

 

[maria29]

There are very few photographers who will just give the negatives (film or digital). Historically, reprints are where the photographer made the most money. It is changing somewhat now, as reprints are not the cash cow they were before. Some photographers will sell you the rights to negatives, but that might be another $5,000 to $10,000. Some won’t do it for any reason for quality reasons. If they let you have the negatives (assume digital) and you blow it up 1000% and have it printed, and it looks awful, it might hurt the photographers business in the future.
As for sob stories about horrible photographers, you get what you pay for. ** Now the market is being glutted with hundreds of wannabes with a cheap dSLR and a slow kit zoom and built in flash who will charge $500 for a complete wedding. Don’t go with them!
**
That’s all for now from this Photographer.

Yours in Christ,
Thursday

**Yes i agree too, having used to work for a professional camera store we’d get brides in who let someone shoot their wedding because they were cheap. I can’t tell you how many times these brides wanted us to fix the photos (which of course usually required photoshop which meant extra costs)

The same thing to with Videographers, just because Final Cut pro or Imovie is cheap everyone thinks they know how to edit a wedding video
**

 

[BlestOne]

Small wedding, 2 bridesmaids, 2 groomsmen
made my own bouquets, buttoneers, etc and flower arrangements for the altar(total $100 for all).
All bridesmaids dresses were bought at Kohls 1/2 price (total $65 for 2 dresses).
Got my dress on ebay brand new designer dress…$45.99 and $20 shipping…they threw in a free crinolin.
Rehearsal dinner…at favorite restaurant $113.
Musician fee: $100
Pastors fee $100
Reception at a local tourist attraction: $800
DJ at reception: free (it was my wedding gift)
Alcohol (had to bring my own) <$100
Printed my own wedding invitations from a kit: $15
tuxes (3 of them)$135
shoes…on clearance!!! under $20 for all 3 pairs combined!

Total was under $1650 and we had a great time!

The biggest savings were the dresses and the flowers…
I made the mothers corsages, buttoneers for the guys, bouquet for the Holy Family, brides bouquet and 2 bridesmaids along with 2 vase arrangements with roses for the altar and 2 huge vases with gladioli for in front of the lecterns. Pastor saw me making them and was astonished I could do it so nicely and so cheaply… Attached Thumbnails forums.catholic-questions.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=546&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1167422144 forums.catholic-questions.org/attachment.php?attachmentid=547&stc=1&thumb=1&d=1167422144

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Blest- those are so pretty!!!

I am getting married 25 May.
My dress- $450 including crinoline(was $1000, but was a discontinued design, so i got a discount)
Bridesmaids- I gave them the designer and the color black, so they choose dresses based on their income and taste, so I have everything from $100-$300 on those.
Tuxes- $80 complete for all the groomsmen and fathers, T’s is free
Flowers/Food/Cake- $3000 for everything- Church and reception site
Invites- $200 for 150, $50 for stamps
Reception site- $300

(and the following are things my parents wanted)
liquor- 1 hour mid-price open bar, 1 hour beer, wine and signature
drinks, 2 hours water and soda only- $800
Harpist- 2 hours- $200
DJ- family friend $100 for 4+ hours.
Total- $6500 + or -

I am actually surprised how stress free it has been for me. I have 2 months to go, and everything is done. I am sure that things are going to come as I get closer to the day, but it’s surprisingly stress free.

My father reminded me when I started planning that “This is a party, and you just happen to be getting married”. With that in mind, I spent about $300-500 on things for the Church, and then the majority on the reception, since we would be there longer than the Church.

 

[cheddarsox]

I think a lot of the stress comes from people doing something that doesn’t “fit” their lifestyle…simple folk plannning a hoopla, or hoopla types forced to “settle” for less than their dream wedding.

My wedding was what was “expected” of my parent’s social circle. I was 19, and would have been happy with something simpler, but, parents had obligations to meet and they were footing the bill.

Weddings can often become about many things other than the marriage. They are a time for a family to trot out their stuff to show their friends, coworkers, other side of the family etc, what they are made of.

For some, they feel that they need a certain kind of wedding day to set the stage for their marriage, almost like a good luck charm. Depends on people’s personalities. Some wouldn’t feel married without the long gown, something blue, ring bearer, etc.

Figure out what you need, and then how to make it happen. Take an honest look about what the “wedding” is about…the bride and groom, the families, the expectations…etc. Be very honest about that.

Keep in mind that the sacrament of marriage, the wedding hoopla and the marriage are seperate things. You can be just as married, and have a terrific marriage with little hoopla, or have all the hoopla, but no sacrament and not much of a relationship.

Sometimes in the emotion of the moment, it gets all confused in people’s heads, and they begin to mistake one for the other.

My son is getting married in June.

We are responsible for the rehearsal. We’re planning a barbacue with a band in the yard (friend’s band) That’s our style. My mother will be horrified and say…“it’s just not done”, but…yup, it is and people will have a nice time. There are MANY different ways to have a nice time. Dressing to the nines can be fun…so can eating burgers and pie…

getting married is stressful, it just is.

cheddar

 

[Sarabande]

I still consider myself a newlywed, as I’ve only been married for about 3 1/2 years and the memories of the wedding planning are still fresh in my mind.

We originally wanted a small wedding - under 100 guests because were were going to pay for the wedding ourselves. Then, we looked at our guest list of just our close and immediate family and a few friends - it was close to 200 guests!!! A small wedding was out of the question. In the meantime, my parents offered to pay for most of the reception since they knew that the majority of the size of the guests were coming from our side. It was a blessing and relieved a lot of the stress. Although, I worked a lot with my Mom to make make sure she didn’t go overboard with the spending. My dear mother started to be really gung-ho about the wedding planning and I had to put my foot down a few times to make sure she didn’t “bankrupt” my dad.

Anyway, what kept the stress down for my husband and I was to focus the planning on the actual sacrament. He and I most enjoyed planning the liturgy. We wanted to make the liturgy and the sacrament the most important part of our day. Yes, we wanted to give our guests a nice dinner and reception for witnessing our marriage vows, but the sacrament came first. I believed it showed too, because our register book had so many comments about how it was one of the most spiritual, meaningful and beautiful liturgies and weddings they had attended. That is what kept our stress down.

I also made a concious decision to not want to “control” anything about the day. We didn’t plan this day to be the ultimate, best day of our lives. I think that is a problem a lot of brides fall prey to. We planned it as a start to our new life together as a husband and wife - just a time for our family and friends to celebrate with us. I had an outline of what we wanted for the reception, but if things went “wrong”, it didn’t matter.

 

[DVina]

I got about halfway through the posts before I had to quit reading!

You are not talking about an inexpensive wedding, but and inexpensive reception.

Consider what impact the wedding will have on your marriage and concentrate on making your wedding a holy celebration of the sacraments that does honor to God. Wear a simple dress (modestly covering the shoulders-my pet peeve) and exchange vows a a regularly scheduled Mass.

We got married the weekend after Easter to avoid the flower expense. The four bridesmaids’ bouquets and four simple pew decorations of baby’s breath decorated our cake and tables. (the bouquets went under the lowest cake pedastals) We served cake, crudite and champagne.

We didn’t get married during a regularly scheduled Mass, but as an active parishioner and former employee, I did not have to pay for the church. The priests from the parish where I worked performed the cermony. I was in the choir, and they sang, alos for free. I did give a small stipen to the instrumentalists who were friends of the choir.

My wedding was totally liturgically correct, and that was very important to me. No secular music; all according to the rubrics, including congregational singing for the entrance and recessional. It was beautiful. I wore my mom’s dress. I think the total cost of the wedding and reception was under $3000, 18 years ago. The most expensive thing was the cake!

In short, if wedding planning is an ocassion to sin, change the plan!

 

[Sarabande]

I got about halfway through the posts before I had to quit reading!

You are not talking about an inexpensive wedding, but and inexpensive reception.

I think when most people hear “wedding” they think of both the ceremony and the reception - the entire day. The poster asked for advice on inexpensive weddings. The ceremony, itself, is usually very inexpensive. It’s the reception that usually takes up the most money, so I think the ladies were just trying to give advice on not going broke with the reception. You usually don’t go broke with the actual sacrament and ceremony.

Consider what impact the wedding will have on your marriage and concentrate on making your wedding a holy celebration of the sacraments that does honor to God. Wear a simple dress (modestly covering the shoulders-my pet peeve) and exchange vows a a regularly scheduled Mass.

Good advice. That is what my husband and I focused on - the sacrament we were about to make. The rest was superfluous. Although, I know where I got married they wouldn’t allow a wedding during a regularly scheduled mass. I don’t really know of any churches that do.

We got married the weekend after Easter to avoid the flower expense. The four bridesmaids’ bouquets and four simple pew decorations of baby’s breath decorated our cake and tables. (the bouquets went under the lowest cake pedastals) We served cake, crudite and champagne.

Sounded like a lovely wedding. Although, some churches (especially the older ones) don’t need flowers at all. We got married in a Cathedral. I had no flower decorations. It was beautiful as it. That definitely cuts down on expenses.

We didn’t get married during a regularly scheduled Mass, but as an active parishioner and former employee, I did not have to pay for the church. The priests from the parish where I worked performed the cermony. I was in the choir, and they sang, alos for free. I did give a small stipen to the instrumentalists who were friends of the choir

At many churches, even if you are an active parishioner, you still have to pay a fee, which is totally fine as I know how much money it costs to heat/cool/light large churches, etc… At my home parish, the fee was $600, and that was the parishioner’s fee. At the Cathedral where we got married, the fee was $800. We also did not have to pay for it, though, because we both sang in the Cathedral choir and I was also a paid musician there. Like you, the choir that we belong to also sang and I had my former voice teacher act as cantor/soloist.

My wedding was totally liturgically correct, and that was very important to me. No secular music; all according to the rubrics, including congregational singing for the entrance and recessional.

I’ve performed in a lot of Catholic weddings and it’s very rare that you come across a Catholic church that allows secular music, so that is, fortunately, nothing unique. Today, most of the music directors know that only sacred or absolute music is permitted for any liturgy. Once in a while you’ll have a priest who will permit the Wagner or the Mendelssohn, but so far, that has been in only one Catholic wedding I’ve ever performed for or attended. I was recently hired to sing at a Catholic ceremony and the priest/music director there is allowing a song from The Sound of Music be played as a prelude. I’ve learned my lesson not to differ with the music director at churches you don’t normally perform in after you’ve expressed your concern with the choices and especially if the priest gives the ok. At least they aren’t doing anything liturgically incorrect during the actual ceremony.

 

[PapaSquash]

Call me crazy but I catered my own wedding. (it’s something I do)
Cold buffet, my best man’s wife helped me serve.
Reception in the church hall

Mother in Law did the cake.
Father in Law did the pictures.
Dress was about $100
Rehersal dinner was a backyard BBQ.
Music was family.
No booze ( I abused the privledge so frightfully that it has been permanantly revoked)

A few hundred people, some from as far away as Portugal, and everybody said it was a great time. The key was to set up everybody’s expectation that it was going to be casual, fun, low-key. Holding it in the Midwest helped. more down-to-earth. We spent less than $1000. No choice, we were closing on our house at the same time.

I realize that most people aren’t caterers or have in-laws who can take pictures and decorate cakes like a pro, but weddings DO NOT have to be the pseudo-gilded age extravaganzas I see all too often.

I cater a few every year and the good ones are always the low-key ones. .