Infertility and Gossip

[kptrs]

Sadly, families with a large number of children (more than 3) suffer from the flip side of this harassment with people making a lot of inappropriate comments about their family size.

Oh, yeah. The same goes for people who get pregnant less than a year after the wedding.

OP, what you describe is at the top of my list of personal pet peeves. I’ve experienced it from the flip side, and it’s — frankly — infuriating.

My first child was born about nine months after our wedding. When we announced our pregnancy, one of the first things people said was “Oh, did your NFP not work?” There were also comments about how the child was probably conceived before the wedding and we had to “get married quick” (we were both virgins on our wedding night, so no that wasn’t the case). I really think that one was meant as a joke, but it still hurt.

Then after my son turned one year old, the same person who made the comment about our NFP not working began asking repeatedly if I was pregnant again. She made comments to my son such as, “Be good so Mommy and Daddy can have another baby!” She also paid close attention to whether I was drinking alcohol or eating foods pregnant women shouldn’t eat in order to figure out if I was pregnant. She’s a good friend and I don’t think she meant any harm, but still, I really hated that behavior.

I think others have given good advice about what to say to these people. I’m sorry you are going through this.

 

[Xantippe]

There were also comments about how the child was probably conceived before the wedding and we had to “get married quick”

facepalm

“You realize that it takes at least 6 months to be allowed to marry in the Catholic Church?”

Then after my son turned one year old, the same person who made the comment about our NFP not working began asking repeatedly if I was pregnant again.

Oh, man.

I’m starting to think some people need to go to a course on “small talk,” and learning other conversational starters than what friends and family do in bed or whether or not there is a baby in a friend’s tummy.

 

[kptrs]

“You realize that it takes at least 6 months to be allowed to marry in the Catholic Church?”

One could also offer to give a basic biology lesson on the fact that the “nine months” of pregnancy includes the two weeks before actual contraception. Counting months (let’s see, September, October, November, December…) is highly inaccurate. I got pregnant pretty much one month to the day after the wedding (one benefit of NFP is being able to know when conception occurs), but my son was still born about nine months after our wedding, if you’re informally counting months. He was completely full term, born one day before his due date.

If conception happened on someone’s wedding night, it would probably “look” more like eight months after the wedding.

Oh, man.

I’m starting to think some people need to go to a course on “small talk,” and learning other conversational starters than what friends and family do in bed or whether or not there is a baby in a friend’s tummy.

Her latest comment was made to my younger son: “One of these days, DS2, you might just be a middle child…”

 

[Norseman82]

Family friends joke that we “don’t know how to make a baby”.

Well, if you want something to shut them up, you could always respond to the above point by saying, “You may be right. Would you and your spouse care to demonstrate?”

Then have fun watching their faces turn redder than Tiananmen Square on May Day.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

I feel your pain. Not long after I married, my hubby got mumps in the testes. For 10 years we failed to get pregnant.

You gotta tackle this head on. Say, yes, we would dearly love children. And God may bless us in the right season.
Don’t hide the fact, you are hoping and it’s incredibly disheartening each month.

And your Priest May have already worked this out and be trying in his own way to offer you pastoral care.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

And you have no idea who is having the physical issue until you both get investigated. So please please stop saying it’s you.

 

[AdamP88]

I’m starting to think some people need to go to a course on “small talk,”

Some people just need a course in “mind your own business”.

 

[AdamP88]

ell, if you want something to shut them up, you could always respond to the above point by saying, “You may be right. Would you and your spouse care to demonstrate?”

Then have fun watching their faces turn redder than Tiananmen Square on May Day.

ROTFL

 

[catholicwifeforlife1]

I guess I said that because my cycle has always been messed up. But, I get what you are saying. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Every time I go to our old parish the priest says "no baby yet?’ like we are doing it on purpose or something. Family friends joke that we “don’t know how to make a baby

Such rudeness!!! I would recommend preparing ahead of time for a polite response, but one that puts the asker clearly in place with the understanding that they are not to be asking anybody that question.

 

[guanophore]

Does God not will some people to have children or is merely illness?

God bless you in your effort to deal with the pressure. It is true that God does not will it for some, or for reasons you may not understand, He wants you to wait.

Your part is to make sure you don’t do anything to interfere with His plan, and get the medical help you may need.

Whenever someone makes a comment, just be open and tell them "this is very painful for me - please pray that I will be blessed with a child, I would appreciate it. "

Or if that is too much “Please pray for me”.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Yep, my ex had a very low tadpole count post mumps. No idea if it was
Ike that pre mumps.

It’s a really difficult issue to deal with. It broke our marriage up. We were young and did not know how to deal with it.

My advice is for you both to be open to your families about this infertility issue. And tell your Priest also. He may just have the pastoral care you guys are going to need to forge a strong relationship through this.

As for non family, it’s really up to you if you disclose or not. I would respond to them, pray God blesses us with a family. Say a rosary for us. :angel:t3:

It’s a mystery to me why some people can so easily fall pregnant, right. Bet you feel that way too atm. But do get both of you investigated when you feel it’s the right time. He could have few taddies, you could have endometriosis, it could be anything.

 

[DarkLight]

The imp in me wants to suggest putting on your best wide-eyed face and saying “Well, we’ve been laying in bed next to each other like mummies and daddies are supposed to do, but we’re not sure we’re doing it right. Can you explain? I keep hearing all about these ‘special hugs’ but I don’t really get it.”

Mind, I doubt I’d ever actually do that. But rest assured that unless you manage to have exactly 3.14 children evenly spaced 2 years, 1 month, and 6 days apart, someone will find a reason to complain. People are just rude sometimes.

 

[heidi_storage]

I’m not sure that I’d want to share my fertility with gossipers. It won’t shut their mouths, but just give them entree to ask painful, personal questions or make suggestions. (“Have you tried relaxing?” “Maybe you should adopt; I know someone who adopted and then got pregnant.”) Unless you trust your listener, it would probably be best to remain noncommittal and indicate your desire to avoid the topic.

 

[bstorm]

I’m not sure that I’d want to share my fertility with gossipers. It won’t shut their mouths, but just give them entree to ask painful, personal questions or make suggestions. (“Have you tried relaxing?” “Maybe you should adopt; I know someone who adopted and then got pregnant.”) Unless you trust your listener, it would probably be best to remain noncommittal and indicate your desire to avoid the topic.

I absolutely, 100% agree with this.

OP, be very choosy about what information you share with other people, especially those who gossip about you. Being open with them about a sensitive issue like your fertility is not a good idea. You will just end up giving them more fuel for their gossip and it will not stop them from making comments to you (it may just make it worse).

 

[Xantippe]

Mind, I doubt I’d ever actually do that. But rest assured that unless you manage to have exactly 3.14 children evenly spaced 2 years, 1 month, and 6 days apart, someone will find a reason to complain. People are just rude sometimes.

Nah–one boy and one girl, spaced 2.75 years apart.

It’s the law.

 

[Xantippe]

OP, be very choosy about what information you share with other people, especially those who gossip about you. Being open with them about a sensitive issue like your fertility is not a good idea. You will just end up giving them more fuel for their gossip and it will not stop them from making comments to you (it may just make it worse).

Yeah, because they’ve already demonstrated their lack of sensitivity.

 

[kptrs]

Nah–one boy and one girl, spaced 2.75 years apart.

It’s the law.

I’ve also noticed…

• Couple has 2 or more kids all the same gender: “Oh, you’ll have to keep trying until you get a whichever gender couple doesn’t have”!
• Couple has one boy and one girl and is pregnant with baby number 3: “Why are you having another? You already have one of each!”