Infertility

[Teakafrog]

You can’t know how comforting that is to me!! Our social worker is coming this Friday and I’ve been all stressed out. We are not the neatest people in the world; we’re not slobs, but our house tends to be a little cluttered. We’re going to get all that sorted out before she comes, but we definitely won’t come across as neat freaks and I was a little worried about that.

Yeah, people stress so much about the actual ‘home’ study part, but our social worker literally just peeked into each room, then we sat in the living room and talked for a hour or so. He was of course asking us questions needed for his report, but it was nice. Our house was never immaculate, but it was clean. He assured us that was good enough. As another poster mentioned, kids do make messes!
There are so many things, looking back, that I was scared of ahead of time that really turned out to be no big deal at all. This was a major one!
Oh, and our social worker did do one post-placement visit in the home, so he did see that we had gotten her room together, and yes, she had a crib and everything!

 

[aurora77]

That is so reassuring! I can’t thank everyone here enough, you don’t know how much your support means to me. I’m slowly meeting other adoptive parents IRL, but I’m kind of shy about wanting to quiz them about their experiences. This forum has been such a blessing!

I tend to be a worrier, so I’ll probably be tossing and turning Thursday night no matter what, but that’s what makes life interesting. DH probably is nervous too, he just doesn’t show it!

 

[stadre]

Aurora, I am so excited for you! And I appreciate everyone’s information here.

So, back to the home study. All I know is what I got from starting the process in CA. Do we need to have furniture attached to the walls (so it can’t fall over if climbed)? Do we have to turn the hot water heater down? Do we have to have latches on all our cabinets? Do we have to have a bed already for the bedroom?

These are things I worry about. I didn’t do or need them (other than the bed) for our daughter. I realize that all children are different and will do whatever we need to to keep our children safe, but at what point are they necessary during the adoption process? (We would also do foster-to-adopt.)

 

[ChinaDad]

So, back to the home study. All I know is what I got from starting the process in CA. Do we need to have furniture attached to the walls (so it can’t fall over if climbed)? Do we have to turn the hot water heater down? Do we have to have latches on all our cabinets? Do we have to have a bed already for the bedroom?

LOL All great questions for your social worker and interview. I think they will be very impressed by your questions and concerns.

 

[aurora77]

Stadre, I’ve got the same questions. I figure we’ll just write everything down and see what timetable our social worker suggests. We’ve got to take 13 weeks worth of classes so we’ve got some time before we actually get to have a child/children.

What got me worrying about all this is that I read a book about adoption and the author was talking about having latches for the cabinets, a crib, etc, before her first home visit!!! It made me feel insecure, to say the least. Fortunately it doesn’t sound like we need to be parenting pros right away.

 

[Teakafrog]

LOL All great questions for your social worker and interview. I think they will be very impressed by your questions and concerns.

Yeah, that kind of stuff kind of depends on the individual social worker who does your HS. Ours didn’t worry about it. He did ask once if we had plans to child proof any more than what we were, and I said yes, depending on the age of the child I would go from there. That was it.

 

[ChinaDad]

Stadre, I’ve got the same questions. I figure we’ll just write everything down and see what timetable our social worker suggests. We’ve got to take 13 weeks worth of classes so we’ve got some time before we actually get to have a child/children.

What got me worrying about all this is that I read a book about adoption and the author was talking about having latches for the cabinets, a crib, etc, before her first home visit!!! It made me feel insecure, to say the least. Fortunately it doesn’t sound like we need to be parenting pros right away.

aurora,

I think this is also slightly different when you’re fostering children as well. As foster parents you must be ready for a placement on a moments notice.

My wife and I once got a call in th emiddle of the evening because someone who knew we had our foster license and suggested us for a particular “child in need” from out of town. We had an hour to be ready for her.

So it might be a good idea to go out and buy the cabinet latches you will need so they are there when a social worker does an interview. One other thing you might want to consider, is the poisons we keep under/in cabinets and closets. Keep them all together in one place that is secure or can be secured quickly and easily. Little ones will drink anything.

 

[Gardening_Mommy]

Thanks! We really appreciate it. It’s just nerve wracking. I’m going through the “Are we actually ready to be parents? Can we handle the lifestyle changes?” DH of course is just calm and collected.

NO, you’re never ready; nobody is!

Go with it one day at a time. Next thing you know, you’re looking at a much-too-tall five-year-old saying, “Good grief, child, did you grow again last night?!?” and telling her stories about, “When you came home, Daddy would hold you with your head in his hand and your butt in his elbow and you’d sleep like that.”

Deep breaths. There will be days when you question your decision to adopt, but then they do something really cute or intelligent, and you forget the regret (although the headaches sometimes linger…). Some day, you will realize that you really don’t remember what you did with your spare time before kids.

And the DH may just be doing the guy thing: trying to be the calm one in the house. I know my DH has this, “Worrying won’t change anything, so why worry?” attitude that drives me crazy when I want to vent or fret and he just doesn’t get it.

And I’m with Teakafrog on the domestic/international thing. IF you are open to children of other races, you’re likely to have a very short process (our two oldest were each about five months, from first contact with the agency to coming home). Our China adoption, on the other hand, has unexpectedly dragged on to more than two years, plus international is much more expensive. We have friends whose birthmom changed her mind after the birth; it was very hard on them, but I don’t think it is the norm in domestic adoptions. International adoptions guarantee the birthparents won’t reappear later, and they guarantee a child, but the medical condition of the child may not be as good as described.

The birthmom that came to one of our adoption-preparation classes to talk discussed that hormone-fueled change of heart after the birth… and how the social worker patiently went over all of the reasons the birthmom had given for wanting the baby to be adopted. Finally, the birthmom realized that no, nothing had changed, adoption was still the best plan, and, yeah, the social worker had warned her that she would feel like this after the birth. But not all agencies prepare the birthmoms for that feeling.

 

[ChinaDad]

International adoptions guarantee the birthparents won’t reappear later, and they guarantee a child, but the medical condition of the child may not be as good as described.

ALL children are like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get.

My wife’s brother was born with congenital heart defects. He wasn’t supposed to make it to his first birthday. There was no way he would survive to be 5. He had no chance to be a teenager. He would never see his 21st birthday. He brought two beautiful children into the world before he went Home at 26.

ALL children are gifts and you have to trust the Lord.

The birthmom that came to one of our adoption-preparation classes to talk discussed that hormone-fueled change of heart after the birth… and how the social worker patiently went over all of the reasons the birthmom had given for wanting the baby to be adopted. Finally, the birthmom realized that no, nothing had changed, adoption was still the best plan, and, yeah, the social worker had warned her that she would feel like this after the birth. But not all agencies prepare the birthmoms for that feeling.

It is sad that all social workers are not trained to handle things the same as the social worker above, but they are also entirely underpaid. We, as a society, put our trust in these people to do well by the children they have such an effect on…they need to be paid more for the tireless work they do. (I think most are earning BIG GOLD STARS in heaven though. Thank God!)

 

[stadre]

Aurora, Let us know how the home visit goes today. I am thinking of you and praying for you and the child/children who will be blessed in your home.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Aurora…let us know!

Prayers for you, hubby, and your new foster child.

**How exciting! Still praying for you and all here in the TTC/grow families novena. **

 

[aurora77]

Thanks so much for your prayers!! Our visit went really well. I was nervous (of course ), but it was smooth. Mostly paperwork. The home tour was no big deal and that was the part I was worried about! She let us know the things we need to get–an extra smoke detector, a 5 lb fire extinguisher (we have the smaller home model, but the state requres a bigger one), things like that. Our classes to be foster parents start Oct. 2, with the adoption classes to follow.

The further we go into this, the more I feel like it’s what we’re called to do. I know there’s a huge risk, and we talked about that today, that we will foster kids that end up going back to their birth parents before we find the children we’re meant to adopt. That’s going to break my heart, but at the risk of sounding sappy, if that’s what it takes to provide a good home for a child or children, even a temporary one, it’s worth it to me.

One thing we talked about that I was wondering was how to prepare for children. We’ve got a fairly wide age range (infant to 4 or 5), so the needs of each age are going to be different. She gave us some good advice, to prepare for the older end of the spectrum. If we get cabinet latches and toddler proof our home, it will come in handy even if we get an infant.

Something I did forget to ask that some of you might be able to help me with–do the kids come with clothes? It may sound silly, but if they’re coming from a bad home environment, they might not have the clothes necessary. Should we buy a few outfits in a few different sizes so we’re prepared and then when we do get a placement, go from there? I know we’re still months away from any placement, but that’s just how my mind works. Maybe as we get further into the process we’ll get more concrete on age and gender, but we’re really trying to leave it up to the Lord, that we’ll be matched up with the children that He intends for us, and not try to create the “perfect” family. While I feel like that’s the right way for us to go for now, it does make planning a little tricky.

Gardeningmommy–I love it! My mom was telling me the same thing; no one ever is prepared to have kids, we just learn as we go!

 

[ChinaDad]

Something I did forget to ask that some of you might be able to help me with–do the kids come with clothes? It may sound silly, but if they’re coming from a bad home environment, they might not have the clothes necessary. Should we buy a few outfits in a few different sizes so we’re prepared and then when we do get a placement, go from there?

aurora77- Great news to hear your home visit went well!

As for the clothes issue, they will come with varying degree of clothing and other items. Depending on ages, maybe a blanket, a favorite toy, some clothing, and hopefully their “Life Book” or a few pictures at least. If you feel the need to buy anything I might buy a few toys (maybe buy a few things for different ages from tag sales/garage sales), perhaps a few stuffed animals.

The thing is (the way it was here in Indiana) they won’t come with much, it’s usually a quick departation from where they are, so it may be what can fit in a garbage bag or pillow case. And what they come with is theirs, this is their history, so what they bring will be** very important **to them.

Another thing is, you need to think of it as a job, a job you’re doing for God. You need to guard yourself not to get too attached, nor press a child for many details. Your “job” is to make sure your little charges are well cared for, fed, clean, warm, and safe.

I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Giannawannabe]

I was wondering if I could get any support or advice or just some thoughtful comments here? I was at a function recently with some nice Catholic families. Nearly all of the families are large and several of the moms are expecting their 5th, 6th, 7th, children. One mom took the opportunity to announce her pregnancy. Certainly I was happy for her, but my next feeling was dread! I knew what was to come. The constant story, one after the other from all the moms about their pregnancies, labor/delivery, how “awful” it is to have to announce ANOTHER pregnancy to unsupportive families/friends. I just sat there listening to it all. It’s at these moments that I feel so sad. I love my kids. I love being a mom, and know that God gave us the cross of infertility so that I can be the mom to the kids I have. It just makes me feel so left out, when people do that! I had to finally leave the room. I actually felt like I was going to cry! It’s been some time since I have felt this sad or left out.
I hope I don’t sound selfish or mean. It’s just the part of infertility that never gets better. Never being part of the “pregnant mommy club”. It’s especially difficult to listen to how all they have to do is “look at their husband” and they get pregnant. I know that they don’t mean to make me feel like that. I’m sure they don’t even see the pain I’m in or understand how it feels to be infertile. I guess I’m just a little sensitive about it. However, when in a group, I can usually pick up someone’s discomfiture or if they feel left out. Why can’t they?
Anyway, I’m just rambling. Please just pray for me. Thanks.

 

[stadre]

I was wondering if I could get any support or advice or just some thoughtful comments here? I was at a function recently with some nice Catholic families. Nearly all of the families are large and several of the moms are expecting their 5th, 6th, 7th, children. One mom took the opportunity to announce her pregnancy. Certainly I was happy for her, but my next feeling was dread! I knew what was to come. The constant story, one after the other from all the moms about their pregnancies, labor/delivery, how “awful” it is to have to announce ANOTHER pregnancy to unsupportive families/friends. I just sat there listening to it all. It’s at these moments that I feel so sad. I love my kids. I love being a mom, and know that God gave us the cross of infertility so that I can be the mom to the kids I have. It just makes me feel so left out, when people do that! I had to finally leave the room. I actually felt like I was going to cry! It’s been some time since I have felt this sad or left out.
I hope I don’t sound selfish or mean. It’s just the part of infertility that never gets better. Never being part of the “pregnant mommy club”. It’s especially difficult to listen to how all they have to do is “look at their husband” and they get pregnant. I know that they don’t mean to make me feel like that. I’m sure they don’t even see the pain I’m in or understand how it feels to be infertile. I guess I’m just a little sensitive about it. However, when in a group, I can usually pick up someone’s discomfiture or if they feel left out. Why can’t they?
Anyway, I’m just rambling. Please just pray for me. Thanks.

Yup–I love that one! But my favorite line ever is (from a mother of two boys), “If I knew it would be a girl, I’d have another in a heartbeat!”

Gianna, you are not alone, nor are you selfish or insensitive. Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. As for people not recognizing our discomfort, one of my difficulties is worrying if people think I am contracepting because of our family size, even though I know I shouldn’t. But I have also heard of “Catholic” groups which are less than welcoming to small families.

May God give you strength through this difficult time.

 

[LittleDeb]

Before I had my son I couldn’t even go to baby showers. I couldn’t handle listening to “birth stories.” It is hard to fathom how it must feel to be an adoptive parent, especially when people use the term “real mom.”

I was speaking with a friend recently who is now 36 (my age). She placed a child for adoption when she was 19. She came to see me in the hospital last week after DD was born. It was a surreal conversation because she could share in my labor story yet not in the parenting side. Now single and childless she feels torn over her past. She experienced an ectopic pregnancy about a decade ago during a short marriage, so she doesn’t even know what works and what doesn’t.

When she was leaving I told her that I wished I had the words to say that were more sensitive to her situation. She said that it is tough, because there really aren’t any. My heart grieves for her. Single, when she wants to be married, possibly borderline infertile even if she does marry and wondering if she passed up the one chance to be a “real mom.” I hope her cross doesn’t become too heavy to bear.

My heart truly goes out to all of those who are in situations that seem ‘second rate.’ I understand the concern of looking like a contracepting couple. If my body doesn’t heal from this pregnancy we are done. Our ‘perfect family’ of one boy and one girl might become a bad witness for the beauty of marital chastity through NFP. Adoptive parents have a different cross. Borderline infertile couples have this one. For me, being childless only lasted 2 years. That was a cross that nearly crushed me.

Oh well, I’m rambling too. God bless you all. Giannawannabe, you’re in my prayers. You are not selfish or mean. If you think of anything that I could say to ease that kind of pain, please let me know. Everyone here: You are all my heroes!

 

[ChinaDad]

Being a guy, I know I don’t fully understand the feelings you ladies have, but more than once I saw the tears in my wife’s eyes and heard the intense distress in her voice, in those same situations. All I can say is that I’m sorry this has happened to you and caused you all such great pain.

Heavenly Father, please help to ease the pain felt by all those here and others with infertility problems. Please let them not be nearby to hear the things that hurt their feelings, and Father… I ask that You work miracles for each and everyone of them for the children they desire in their lives.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I was wondering if I could get any support or advice or just some thoughtful comments here? I was at a function recently with some nice Catholic families. Nearly all of the families are large and several of the moms are expecting their 5th, 6th, 7th, children. One mom took the opportunity to announce her pregnancy. Certainly I was happy for her, but my next feeling was dread! I knew what was to come. The constant story, one after the other from all the moms about their pregnancies, labor/delivery, how “awful” it is to have to announce ANOTHER pregnancy to unsupportive families/friends. I just sat there listening to it all. It’s at these moments that I feel so sad. I love my kids. I love being a mom, and know that God gave us the cross of infertility so that I can be the mom to the kids I have. It just makes me feel so left out, when people do that! I had to finally leave the room. I actually felt like I was going to cry! It’s been some time since I have felt this sad or left out.
I hope I don’t sound selfish or mean. It’s just the part of infertility that never gets better. Never being part of the “pregnant mommy club”. It’s especially difficult to listen to how all they have to do is “look at their husband” and they get pregnant. I know that they don’t mean to make me feel like that. I’m sure they don’t even see the pain I’m in or understand how it feels to be infertile. I guess I’m just a little sensitive about it. However, when in a group, I can usually pick up someone’s discomfiture or if they feel left out. Why can’t they?
Anyway, I’m just rambling. Please just pray for me. Thanks.

You are not selfish or mean. You are not rambling.

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I just discovered SIL is due the same time I would have been if I had made it more than a week past AF.

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It’s really okay to greive. You’ve done nothing wrong.

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I am facing the fears of not wanting to go home for Christmas just so I don’t have to face pregnant SIL and MIL who will be ooing and ahhing over her and her growing belly. Also, MIL has just recently “got it” that I am suffering very much. So she will forget lots and ask about our babies (where are they) or if she’s trying to “help” she will be like “oh it will happen when God’s ready.” Maybe just maybe God will never be ready…why doesn’t she see that as a possibility.

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**I feel like a faliure every time I go there. So, believe me I understand where you are coming from and it HURTS BAD! **

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Prayers for you!

 

[aurora77]

Gianna, I’m so sorry. I can’t add much that the others haven’t said, but I understand where you’re coming from. Even though I’m very happy with where DH and I are in life, and am very certain that adoption is for us, I still feel sad when I see pregnant women. It’s strange to think that I’ll never do what so many women take for granted–get pregnant and give birth. You’re not alone in this, so please take a little comfort in that.

 

[mom2boyz]

Just to give you a little hope. I understand what you mean although I do have 1 bio son so I can join in a little with that discussion. I thought that pain of desiring pregnancy would never leave and it was just to be a permanent cross to bear just like the infertility. At times I felt so beaten down by it. I begged and pleaded for it to end or at least for God to send me a Simon to help carry it. After we adopted our last child, I felt that heavy burden lift. I guess it had a purpose. My heart does ache for you because it is such a heavy burden to carry.

Someone once told me that being abundantly fertile has its own crosses. I am sure that must be true for those women. I doubt they were trying to be insensitive, but probably sharing their crosses just like we do here.