Infidelity by wife

[mark_a]

jimmy:

If I were you, I would say she must stop speaking to this other man. You are her husband and you are the one that she is supposed to love. She broke your trust by cheating, yet she is unwilling to break the relationship with the person she cheated with. In my opinion, she does not sound trustworthy. She is putting a relationship of someone outside the marriage who she cheated with, on the level of the relationship with her husband.

I’m with Jimmy.

We are allowed to divorce in cases of adultery. She is not living up to your marriage vows. She is at worst an adulterous liar and at best she enjoys stringing you both along.

Judging by your work load, you are already the mommy and the daddy. Find a lawyer and get your kids away from her.

 

[jimmy]

mark a:

I’m with Jimmy.

We are allowed to divorce in cases of adultery. She is not living up to your marriage vows. She is at worst an adulterous liar and at best she enjoys stringing you both along.

Judging by your work load, you are already the mommy and the daddy. Find a lawyer and get your kids away from her.

I am not necisarily saying he should get a divorce. I am just saying he needs to make sure the other relationship ends. If he doesn’t, she will not become more trustworthy.

I think it is best to keep the marriage alive, but it must only be a two person marriage without the third person.

 

[DVIN_CKS]

jimmy:

She also said that she loves this other man and told her husband the man offers things he can not. If that is not an untrustworthy statement then nothing is.

I’m not so sure I’d rush to judgement and call this an untrustworthy statement. I see it as her being dead honest with her husband (perhaps she could have phrased it better). She is simply stating what her reality is at the moment. Can she help the way she feels? What’s at issue here is what she chooses to do with these feelings. She most certainly doesn’t have to act on them and spend time with her lover. She could choose to stay with her husband and kids and try to understand how she got in this situation in the first place (through the help of therapy no doubt). This husband should be grateful that his wife is being so open and honest about what she is feeling. A lot of women would simply lie to their husbands to try and spare any hurt feelings. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have feelings for someone other than your spouse. I think this shows that this couple probably has a good chance of working things out if they can remain open and honest about what’s going on, how their marriage got to this point, and where they go from here to get things back on track (assuming that’s what they both want).

Plenty of marriages survive affairs. They don’t all end in divorce.

 

[DVIN_CKS]

jimmy:

She also said that she loves this other man and told her husband the man offers things he can not. If that is not an untrustworthy statement then nothing is.

I’m not so sure I’d rush to judgement and call this an untrustworthy statement. I see it as her being dead honest with her husband (perhaps she could have phrased it better). She is simply stating what her reality is at the moment. Can she help the way she feels? What’s at issue here is what she chooses to do with these feelings. She most certainly doesn’t have to act on them and spend time with her lover. She could choose to stay with her husband and kids and try to understand how she got in this situation in the first place (through the help of therapy no doubt). This husband should be grateful that his wife is being so open and honest about what she is feeling. A lot of women would simply lie to their husbands to try and spare any hurt feelings. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have feelings for someone other than your spouse. I think this shows that this couple probably has a good chance of working things out if they can remain open and honest about what’s going on, how their marriage got to this point, and where they go from here to get things back on track (assuming that’s what they both want).

Plenty of marriages survive affairs. They don’t all end in divorce.

 

[mark_a]

DVIN CKS:

Plenty of marriages survive affairs. They don’t all end in divorce.

Hello DVN CKS-

A different angle could be: Plenty of marriages survive multiple affairs. . . . . to the detriment of their kids mental health.

He needs to dig deep and see if he can really forgive her and stop focusing on whether she will stay with him. Can he really forgive her for needing to be told to stop seeing the other guy?

If the other guy is still hanging around and is not having sex with her, he is in love with her. All three of them know it, too. Otherwise the other guy would be completely out of the picture.

Forsaking others is what marriage is all about. That’s why it’s in the vows. Couples don’t pay much attention to that part of the vows because they are “in love” and think “why would I ever need to forsake all others, I’m in love with . . . .”

But one day, one needs to remember one’s vows.

Jolean- Sorry if this seems harsh, but I want to remind you that you have a decision to make for you and your kids, and the way I read it, you have a choice. I wish you the best.

 

[Katie1723]

like I said before…once??? helloooooo If she was /is THAT enamored of the guy…I’ll bet my last dollar it was MORE than once. And although my situation wasn’t at all like yours, my kids knew a whole lot more about my marital troubles than I gave them credit for…much to my chagrin…don’t do this to your kids

 

[jolean]

I want to thank you all for writing and for all of your prayers. My wife and I are continuing to talk and pray about this…last night, she told me she wanted me to have custody of the kids (which is exactly what I want) if things fall apart.

I am an eternal optimist…I still think all of this can work…I told her again last night that I love her…she just looks so…confused…and I know she is praying about this.

Yes, adultery is grounds for divorce…but, as I see it, that is absolutely the last step I want to take. I do think she might end up leaving…she has asked for this period of Lent to pray, and I can certainly invest 40 days into trying to save 26 years of marriage.

You are all wonderful people. I thank God for your prayers and compassion, and I also thank God I found this website.
God bless all of you!

 

[Katie1723]

jolean:

I want to thank you all for writing and for all of your prayers. My wife and I are continuing to talk and pray about this…last night, she told me she wanted me to have custody of the kids (which is exactly what I want) if things fall apart.

I am an eternal optimist…I still think all of this can work…I told her again last night that I love her…she just looks so…confused…and I know she is praying about this.

Yes, adultery is grounds for divorce…but, as I see it, that is absolutely the last step I want to take. I do think she might end up leaving…she has asked for this period of Lent to pray, and I can certainly invest 40 days into trying to save 26 years of marriage.

You are all wonderful people. I thank God for your prayers and compassion, and I also thank God I found this website.

God bless all of you!

I will keep you in my prayers, but be careful over the next 40 days…don’t let her fool you after all she is willing to give up the kids…and that surprises me…perhaps she is using this time to see about her “partners” true feelings.

 

[fulloftruth]

Hello, I am 29 years old and I have three little boys that are 9, 3, and one and a half years old. Four months ago I found my wife in my bed with another man. She has since left our family and has not seen the children since and has made no effort to see them in four months, despite there dying to see her. I have never felt so much pain in my life and I do not think we can get an annulment either. As it turns out, I did not really know my wife at all. What has happened to the women of today. They are acting like men of old. I feel your pain. God Help Us!!!

Steve

 

[rayne89]

mark a:

Jolean- Sorry if this seems harsh, but I want to remind you that you have a decision to make for you and your kids, and the way I read it, you have a choice. I wish you the best.

Ya’ll posting to Jolean are awfully quick to disolve a marriage of 26 years. What’s best for the kids is to fight for the marriage with every inch of your soul. There must be underlying problems here that are not being addressed. Yes she’s wrong. But wrong is not the point here. Forget about the guy waiting in the wings for right now and work on the marriage. Counseling, retrouvaile whatever it takes. She loves you and you love her.

When it comes to husbands and wives we hold them to alot higher standard than just about anyone else in our lives. This is a person with weakness and faults just like the rest of us. Sometimes we make huge mistakes in our lives. I do not discount what this woman has done/is doing in the least.

If this was a dear friend who was making terrible mistakes in thier life would you cut them off. I believe the majority of us would reach out the person, pray for them and try to lead them back to the right path. It is pride that stops us from doing this with our spouses. “My husband or my wife can’t do this to me!”

For a moment step back and love you wife as a human being and a friend. Try very hard to get her to go to Retrouvaille - it will really help you to refocus on what the two of you have together and what the issues are that have caused this painful infidelity.

As for the children. The best example is for them to see forgiveness. To see that marriage is not something discarded so easily. That it’s worth fighting for.

God Bless.

 

[rayne89]

fulloftruth:

Hello, I am 29 years old and I have three little boys that are 9, 3, and one and a half years old. Four months ago I found my wife in my bed with another man. She has since left our family and has not seen the children since and has made no effort to see them in four months, despite there dying to see her. I have never felt so much pain in my life and I do not think we can get an annulment either. As it turns out, I did not really know my wife at all. What has happened to the women of today. They are acting like men of old. I feel your pain. God Help Us!!!

Steve

Steve,
I’m so very sorry that you have suffered this terrible heartbreak. You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[mark_a]

rayne89:

Ya’ll posting to Jolean are awfully quick to disolve a marriage of 26 years.

Maybe you’re right.

rayne89:

But wrong is not the point here. Forget about the guy waiting in the wings for right now and work on the marriage.

Much easier said than done. My response was an effort to keep him from suppressing his anger while focusing excessively on whether she will stay. If he suppresses and he has not really forgiven her, this anger will rear it head later.

rayne89:

When it comes to husbands and wives we hold them to alot higher standard than just about anyone else in our lives. This is a person with weakness and faults just like the rest of us.

That’s the way it is supposed to be. Why else make the promises, to not just each other, but to God too?

Forgiveness is great and does great things for the forgiver, but in the end, this gentleman is under no Catholic obligation to stay married.

 

[rayne89]

mark a:

*When it comes to husbands and wives we hold them to alot higher standard than just about anyone else in our lives. This is a person with weakness and faults just like the rest of us. *
That’s the way it is supposed to be. Why else make the promises, to not just each other, but to God too?

You’re missing my point maybe I didn’t word it properly. We are harder on our spouses than others that we care about. Why? Sometimes we can’t see the human being behind the person that is *my husband or my wife. I think because of the “me” part. "My husband can’t do this to me." "It’ll be a cold day in hell before I’d let my wife get away with doing that to me." *In extra marital affairs there is rarely the intention to hurt the spouse, ofcourse that is obvious consequence.

People make mistakes, make stupid decisions, let themselve fall into situations that cause too much temptation, they sin. I’m not making light of this. During the time my husband revealed his feelings for the women from AA*,* he also revealed an affair he had years earlier at the beginning of our marriage while serving in the military. I know the pain because I have been there. I was hurt, I was angry, it was unbearably painful. But I love my husband so deeply and his life was coming apart at the seams. I chose to stay and fight because I knew the person underneath this mess was a good person, with a good heart who just was royally screwing up his life. And I wasn’t letting him off the hook that easily.
Your right I supressed alot of stuff. I went into survival mode. And after the dust settled about a year later I had anger and resentment that took a long time to work through. But by that time my husband was sober, out of the situation and our marriage was on much more stable ground. At some point I just had to let it go.
The reason why I stress this so much is because I have a better marriage now than we ever had in the past. I couldn’t have imagined the relationship we have today back during those dark hours. I would have missed so much joy and our daughter would have missed the stable family life she has today.
mark a:

Forgiveness is great and does great things for the forgiver, but in the end, this gentleman is under no Catholic obligation to stay married.

No Catholic obligation?

Catechism of the Catholic Church

**Divorce **

**2382 **The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.173 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.174

Between the baptized, **"a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."175 ****2383 **The *separation *of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.176

 

[jimmy]

DVIN CKS:

I’m not so sure I’d rush to judgement and call this an untrustworthy statement. I see it as her being dead honest with her husband (perhaps she could have phrased it better). She is simply stating what her reality is at the moment. Can she help the way she feels? What’s at issue here is what she chooses to do with these feelings. She most certainly doesn’t have to act on them and spend time with her lover. She could choose to stay with her husband and kids and try to understand how she got in this situation in the first place (through the help of therapy no doubt). This husband should be grateful that his wife is being so open and honest about what she is feeling. A lot of women would simply lie to their husbands to try and spare any hurt feelings. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have feelings for someone other than your spouse. I think this shows that this couple probably has a good chance of working things out if they can remain open and honest about what’s going on, how their marriage got to this point, and where they go from here to get things back on track (assuming that’s what they both want).

Plenty of marriages survive affairs. They don’t all end in divorce.

I agree, it takes great courage to admit to something she has admitted to. And it could mean that she is trying to be trustworthy. But, I did not get from his post that she plans to stop seeing her “lover”. On the contrary, what I got from it was that she was saying I love you but I do not want to end this other relationship. For this marriage to last, without him being the punchingbag, she must end the other relationship. I think she intends to continue the relationship(not the physical part) with her “lover”. That is why he must make sure she ends it.

I may be wrong, but I don’t think so.

 

[jimmy]

Katie1723:

like I said before…once??? helloooooo If she was /is THAT enamored of the guy…I’ll bet my last dollar it was MORE than once. And although my situation wasn’t at all like yours, my kids knew a whole lot more about my marital troubles than I gave them credit for…much to my chagrin…don’t do this to your kids

I agree Katie, chances are once is an understatement. When someone cheats it is bound to happen many times. Sometimes the cheater may cheat and then become so disgusted with what they have done that they end it immediately. That is not what I gathered from the post. I have gathered that she has continued the relationship for a longtime and atleast plans to continue the emotional part in the future.

However, I don’t think he should necesarily end the relationship. The kids would be hurt by a seperation too. He is still her husband and a husband has the job of sticking too his wife in bad times - as long as she plans on fixing the bad things she has caused.

He can’t make a rash decision.

 

[jimmy]

jolean:

I want to thank you all for writing and for all of your prayers. My wife and I are continuing to talk and pray about this…last night, she told me she wanted me to have custody of the kids (which is exactly what I want) if things fall apart.

I am an eternal optimist…I still think all of this can work…I told her again last night that I love her…she just looks so…confused…and I know she is praying about this.

Yes, adultery is grounds for divorce…but, as I see it, that is absolutely the last step I want to take. I do think she might end up leaving…she has asked for this period of Lent to pray, and I can certainly invest 40 days into trying to save 26 years of marriage.

You are all wonderful people. I thank God for your prayers and compassion, and I also thank God I found this website.

God bless all of you!

I agree, divorce should be the absolute last step. You do not want to make a rash decision and get a divorce. Especially after 26 years of marriage you both have the obligation to try to make it work.

I think the idea that she wants you to have custody if the relationship does not last is a good sign. I shows that she will not leave you out to dry. And I am sure she has a big attachment to the kids, so it sounds trustworthy.

We are glad to help and to pray. I can’t imagine the strength it takes to hang in there and try to make it work. I would probably be so pissed. I hope it all works out between you and your wife.

 

[jimmy]

fulloftruth:

Hello, I am 29 years old and I have three little boys that are 9, 3, and one and a half years old. Four months ago I found my wife in my bed with another man. She has since left our family and has not seen the children since and has made no effort to see them in four months, despite there dying to see her. I have never felt so much pain in my life and I do not think we can get an annulment either. As it turns out, I did not really know my wife at all. What has happened to the women of today. They are acting like men of old. I feel your pain. God Help Us!!!

Steve

Wow, that is sad. I am so sorry to hear that. I will pray for you.

 

[Scott_Lafrance]

Adultery is not a cause for divorce. The common passage from the Gospels that is cited says that only in the case of an UNLAWFUL marriage, can there be grounds for divorce. Essentially, only if the marriage were for some reason never valid in the first place. However, if a marriage is considered sacramentally valid, adultery does not break the marital covenant. If the two parties can no longer continue to exists under the same roof, the only licit alternative is a continuing separation, while both maintain marital chastity. I know that that may seem like a difficult situation, but being beaten, scourged, forced to carry a 200+ poung cross uphill, and then being nailed to it and hung for 3 hours until you suffocated wasn’t a walk in the park either.

 

[olegraymere]

I think after such a long marriage that you ought to be able to speak frankly and forthrightly to your wife. If it were me, I would certainly not tolerate that kind of behavior from my husband. What struck me about your post was that your first words were, “I forgive you.” Why on earth would you do that? Again, if it were me, I might be praying for the strength to forgive him someday, but I can assure you it would not be quick or easy. I get the impression that you feel like you’ve been hit by a 2x4, which is normal, and you’ve gone to hide under the bed with your rosary. So, what exactly does this guy have to offer that you don’t? You sound like the stereotypical dowdy housewife, crying and praying over the laundry and putting up a brave front for the kids. (And how old are the kiddies after nearly 30 years of marriage?) You need to take charge here, and be the head of your family. If you love your wife, and I believe you do, let her feel that love. By all means, fight for your marriage, but don’t beg. I do strongly believe in prayer, but you’ve got to give God something to work with. Insist on a Retrouvaille weekend. If she won’t agree, then she’s already made her decision.

I’m sorry to be blunt. I don’t mean to be hurtful. It’s just that so often the injured party is so hurt, he can’t function.
God bless

 

[BibleReader]

Hi, friend.

I haven’t cheated on my wife by having sex with anyone else – but I have cheated on her in my thoughts, and by coveting my neighbor’s wife, by occasionally masturbating, instead of keeping control of myself when sex was unavailable.

I have cheated on her in other ways – by sitting on my tail and not earning as much as I should in my job, by letting her contribute too much to household chores, by letting myself “go to pot,” physically, while she takes good care of herself, by treasuring my perspective over hers too much so that I am unkind when I talk to her.

You, too, will be really, really stupid in your marriage, without cheating with another woman.

Chill out. Go to confession together. Go to Mass together. Tell her that you, yourself, are an a s s.

Tell her that she has hurt you bad, but that you have hurt her and will hurt her more, by your sin.

Tell her that when you do, you hope that she will forgive you.

Pretend that you’re still dating. Woo her again. Renew your vows. Then re-commence your relationship.

Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. Open your mouth only after praying a lot.