Infidelity by wife

[Island_Oak]

BibleReader:

Hi, friend.

I haven’t cheated on my wife by having sex with anyone else – but I have cheated on her in my thoughts, and by coveting my neighbor’s wife, by occasionally masturbating, instead of keeping control of myself when sex was unavailable.

I have cheated on her in other ways – by sitting on my tail and not earning as much as I should in my job, by letting her contribute too much to household chores, by letting myself “go to pot,” physically, while she takes good care of herself, by treasuring my perspective over hers too much so that I am unkind when I talk to her.

You, too, will be really, really stupid in your marriage, without cheating with another woman.

Chill out. Go to confession together. Go to Mass together. Tell her that you, yourself, are an a s s.

Tell her that she has hurt you bad, but that you have hurt her and will hurt her more, by your sin.

Tell her that when you do, you hope that she will forgive you.

Pretend that you’re still dating. Woo her again. Renew your vows. Then re-commence your relationship.

Pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. Open your mouth only after praying a lot.

Very humble and thought provoking post.

 

[DeniseR]

DVIN CKS:

This husband should be grateful that his wife is being so open and honest about what she is feeling. A lot of women would simply lie to their husbands to try and spare any hurt feelings. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have feelings for someone other than your spouse.

I disagree. After I was married I still had feelings for an old boyfriend. I would occassionally think about this person still being in my life - not sexual fantasies but “relationship” daydreams. I realized it was harming my marriage even though I never acted on any of my feelings.

One day I realized that the daydreams had to stop. The only reason I was endulging in those fantasies was because I longed for the feelings new love offered and wanted him to still want to be with me.

I realized that my husband was the wonderful man I married and it wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t being 100% faithful to our marriage. After that every time a thought of the guy popped into my head, I would immediately dismiss it. I would think about my husband and the love we shared.

Now, after almost 20 years of marriage when I run into the old boyfriend, I don’t feel or act strange around him. I can honestly say that I see him as an old friend. I’m also glad that I never told my husband about my thoughts because he may have wondered about my feelings for the old boyfriend more than he did.

If your wife is admitting her infidelity as a call for you to become closer, then pray for her. It sounds like she still wants to carry on an emotional affair with the man - pray for her even more. I think Retroville is a great idea. I’ve heard it mends many marriages. I’ll pray for you both.

God bless,
Denise

 

[1samuel]

Katie1723:

I will keep you in my prayers, but be careful over the next 40 days…don’t let her fool you after all she is willing to give up the kids…and that surprises me…perhaps she is using this time to see about her “partners” true feelings.

always with the negative vibes.

 

[mark_a]

rayne89:

You’re missing my point maybe I didn’t word it properly. We are harder on our spouses than others that we care about. Why? Sometimes we can’t see the human being behind the person that is *my husband or my wife. I think because of the “me” part. "My husband can’t do this to me." "It’ll be a cold day in hell before I’d let my wife get away with doing that to me." *In extra marital affairs there is rarely the intention to hurt the spouse, ofcourse that is obvious consequence.

People make mistakes, make stupid decisions, let themselve fall into situations that cause too much temptation, they sin. I’m not making light of this. During the time my husband revealed his feelings for the women from AA*,* he also revealed an affair he had years earlier at the beginning of our marriage while serving in the military. I know the pain because I have been there. I was hurt, I was angry, it was unbearably painful. But I love my husband so deeply and his life was coming apart at the seams. I chose to stay and fight because I knew the person underneath this mess was a good person, with a good heart who just was royally screwing up his life. And I wasn’t letting him off the hook that easily.
Your right I supressed alot of stuff. I went into survival mode. And after the dust settled about a year later I had anger and resentment that took a long time to work through. But by that time my husband was sober, out of the situation and our marriage was on much more stable ground. At some point I just had to let it go.
The reason why I stress this so much is because I have a better marriage now than we ever had in the past. I couldn’t have imagined the relationship we have today back during those dark hours. I would have missed so much joy and our daughter would have missed the stable family life she has today.

No Catholic obligation?

Catechism of the Catholic Church

**Divorce **

**2382 **The Lord Jesus insisted on the original intention of the Creator who willed that marriage be indissoluble.173 He abrogates the accommodations that had slipped into the old Law.174

Between the baptized, **"a ratified and consummated marriage cannot be dissolved by any human power or for any reason other than death."175 ****2383 **The *separation *of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law.176

Well, I stand corrected. And I would like to humbly retract my bonehead advice/opinion.

I honestly thought that adultery was (the only) acceptable cause for divorce.

I sure do know quite a few divorced Catholics, though. And they receive communion, too.

One last question- Does the separation you described need approval from the Church?

 

[rayne89]

mark a:

Well, I stand corrected. And I would like to humbly retract my bonehead advice/opinion.

I honestly thought that adultery was (the only) acceptable cause for divorce.

I sure do know quite a few divorced Catholics, though. And they receive communion, too.

One last question- Does the separation you described need approval from the Church?

A civally divorced Catholic may recieve communion as long as he/she is not involved in a new relationship. That would be adultery. On the last part I’m not positive, I think it I remember hearing (maybe on Catholic radio) that yes you are to seek approval. But I may not be correct on that point.
Many more fundementalist protestants who seriously “frown upon” divorce do allow for it in adultery. Honest mistake.
I am most impressed by your humble honesty.

As a side note at the time of our marriage crisis we were not yet “married in the church”. We had gotten married out of highschool at a wedding chapel -of all places. I wasn’t practicing my faith back when I was 18 or for several years after for that matter. I didn’t stay because I was required to by the church - it would have been very easy for me to get an annulment. I stayed out of love for my husband and because I truly meant my vows even though they weren’t said before God in His church.
We did have a convalidation ceremony this past summer and it was awesome! Now hubby is stuck with me for good.

 

[mark_a]

rayne89:

A civally divorced Catholic may recieve communion as long as he/she is not involved in a new relationship. That would be adultery.

The ones I know are remarried.

rayne89:

I didn’t stay because I was required to by the church - it would have been very easy for me to get an annulment.

Respectfully, I find it strange that a civil ceremony is easily annulled.

rayne89:

I stayed out of love for my husband and because I truly meant my vows even though they weren’t said before God in His church.
We did have a convalidation ceremony this past summer and it was awesome! Now hubby is stuck with me for good.

I think that if most Catholics really understood Church’s teaching and laws about marriage and divorce, we would not have today’s priest shortage. The seminaries would be overcrowded.

Hey, maybe that’s the answer!

I hope the best of everything for you and your husband.

 

[rayne89]

mark a:

Respectfully, I find it strange that a civil ceremony is easily annulled.

.

A cival ceremony (actually we were married by a christian pastor of some kind) but either way that involves a baptised Catholic is not a sacramental marriage. That is why it is more easily annulled.

 

[misericordie]

jolean:

My wife of 26 years admitted she has had a physical affair (once) with a man, but is continuing an emotional affair with him. She says she loves him, but she loves me, too. My first words out of my mouth after she told me of the affair was, “I forgive you.” She tells me I’m a wonderful husband, but that he provides something that I just don’t have.
We are still living together, and she continues to act like nothing is wrong. We have three children who are totally unaware of the situation…
Of course, I love her and want her to stay with me. I pray about this constantly, I go to Mass every day for guidance, but I’m at my wit’s end. I still do all of the laundry and cooking and most of the child-rearing (she is going after an advanced degree)…
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in emotional limbo…I’ve already told her that would be no grounds for an anullment (if that’s what she was thinking).
I know there’s probably no good advice out there…just had to share with others the misery I’m going through.

With all due respect, the best thing you can do is tell her that yes, you forgive her, but you will not tolerate any infidelity, anymore, even emotional, and if you as much as find out again that she did not take that advice, then well my friend, separate, and file for an anullment which is easily given for adultery cases.

 

[misericordie]

Scott_Lafrance:

If my wife were continuing to communicate with a man she had an adulterous affair with, and had the audacity to claim that “He gives her something I don’t” then she would be on the street. I would forgive her, and I would take her back if she ended the relationship. I would, however, set this up as a three way meeting in a public place. Me, him, and her. There would be no question in anyone’s mind that their relationship is absolutely over. God is a merciful God, but He is also a just God. God does not play gmaes with infidelity. The entire theme of the bible is God’s relationship with his chosen people. Read the book of Hosea to see how much God loves his wife (first Israel, now the Church) and how severely He treats infidelity.

Best said here and this is all my opinion TOO!!!

 

[rayne89]

misericordie:

separate, and file for an anullment which is easily given for adultery cases.

Mis
What source can give you about this particular statement?

*A valid marriage requires the proper intention at the time that the vows are exchanged. *
It should be noted that if a valid marriage is made on the wedding day later infidelity or a contraceptive will would not invalidate it. It is only when the will of either party in making the marriage contradicts the Plan of God from the beginning of marriage that it is invalid. The Church accepts every marriage as valid until proven otherwise, however (canon 1060).

ewtn.com/expert/answers/annulment.htm%between%

Because someone has an affair 26 years later does not automatically mean the marriage was invalid from the beginning. The marriage must be invalid from the beginning. An anullment is not some kind of Catholic divorce.

 

[jimmy]

I think people have to be careful with getting separated and getting an annulment. What an annulment does is it declares that there never was a marriage. It may be easy to get one for divorce, but that is not supposed to be. You are taking advantage of a weakness in the Church. When you get an annulment for a reason that is not good, you declare that what God bound, is not bound. That is not your place to go.

A marriage is not meant to be able to disolve because of one problem. You take vows when you get married to remain together when it gets tough. When it gets tough it is your job to try to fix the problems.

That said, I would not just roll over and take **** from her. It may have been a mistake that you blurted out, “I forgive you”. It makes you appear weak, and women don’t have respect for a weak man. You just have too be firm in this situation. Don’t get pissed and start yelling or anything, but don’t be weak.

 

[mark_a]

Now I’m totally confused by the marriage/annulment/infidelity/adultery thing.

 

[chevalier]

You can PM me for questions on declaration of nullity. I’m a law student and had a course specifically on Catholic marriage cases (most of it is nullity but there are others).

Note: Annulment bears bad connotations. People are right when they say it’s just a different word for divorce. What the Church does is declaring that the marriage has been null and void since the beginning, i.e. that there has never been a marriage in the first place. That’s why reasons for declaration of nullity are not annulment grounds, which would be no different from divorce grounds.

If fidelity comes into question, nothing that happened after marriage can be a reason for declaration of nullity. It can only help prove something that happened before marriage or during its conclusion. Sometimes unfaithfulness can prove that the person excluded faithfulness since the very beginning, i.e. that he/she never intended to be faithful (the tribunal would probably be careful on this one), or intended to be unfaithful (practically self-evident invalid marriage), or wasn’t able to perform the obligation of faithfulness at the time of undertaking it (i.e. someone who can’t keep faithful can’t validly contract marriage). If someone intended to be faithful and was in no condition preventing a valid vow of fidelity and only later fell short, there is no question of nullity - at least for this one reason.

Per Canon Law, adultery enables the innocent spouse to refuse sexual contact with the guilty spouse and request separation. If the innocent spouse has had intercourse with the guilty spouse after learning of the adultery, it’s assumed that there has been forgiveness and separation can’t be requested. This is what we understand by putting the spouse away for the reason of adultery, contrary to Protestants and Orthodox who would grant a divorce.

Nullity doesn’t depend on forgiveness. The marriage is either valid or invalid. If it hadn’t been concluded validly and so can be declared null and void, it needs some kind of convalidation for validity.

However, I don’t know what the Church thinks on spouses staying together instead of “pressing charges” if there’s a chance their marriage is invalid and so the sacramental character is not certain.

 

[AsStAnselmPrays]

jolean:

My wife of 26 years admitted she has had a physical affair (once) with a man, but is continuing an emotional affair with him. She says she loves him, but she loves me, too. My first words out of my mouth after she told me of the affair was, “I forgive you.” She tells me I’m a wonderful husband, but that he provides something that I just don’t have.
We are still living together, and she continues to act like nothing is wrong. We have three children who are totally unaware of the situation…
Of course, I love her and want her to stay with me. I pray about this constantly, I go to Mass every day for guidance, but I’m at my wit’s end. I still do all of the laundry and cooking and most of the child-rearing (she is going after an advanced degree)…
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in emotional limbo…I’ve already told her that would be no grounds for an anullment (if that’s what she was thinking).
I know there’s probably no good advice out there…just had to share with others the misery I’m going through.

I really don’t know what to say except that I’ll pray for your situation, because I wouldn’t wish that situation on even my worst of enemies.