Infidelity, SSA, don't know what to do

[CarolynC]

I will try to describe this in a nutshell: (a LONG nutshell)
I am a SAHM, late 40’s, 5 year old daughter, married in the Catholic Church to a Catholic man in his early 50’s.
3 days after my 7th wedding anniversary I discovered evidence that my husband was socking away cash and carrying on a sexual affair with a woman. I confronted him, he gave me the “She’s nobody, she means nothing” speech, and admitted it finally.
Also discovered THOUSANDS of texts to her number, and hundreds to another female co-worker. (could not read them, just could see the usage on our phone bill)
After taking a few days to cool off I broke my silence and made an appointment to see a marriage counselor.
While driving to the appointment he disclosed that as a young teenager he had multiple sexual encounters with at least one other young boy and later a multiple year relationship with an adult male. Throughout his 20’s (before we were married) he had multiple relationships with both males and females over the years.
He claimed that he loves me and that when our sex life declined (after the birth of our child) he sought sex outside of our marriage. He says he does not want to divorce, and vowed to cut off all relations with the woman he was having an affair with.
She reported the relationship to his corporate office (he was salaried management, she was part-time hourly). He was subsequently fired for violating company policy.
In the meantime, hoping to save our marriage, over many tears and brutal conversations we began constructive talking and resumed “relations”.
In January of 2013 I discovered he had resumed texting/sexting the woman he was having an affair with previously, despite the fact that we seemed to be making progress. I discovered they were sending eachother pornography and deeply explicit texts. I confronted him once again, he once again declared his “love” for me, said he did not consider divorce, but I told him this was the last straw.
In the months that have passed I have not resumed “relations” with him and keep a close eye on all computer and phone activity. We are now basically living together like roomates rather than husband and wife. He has resumed going to Mass weekly.

I feel like I am “in the closet” now with him. After rediscovering his infidelity in January I have forgiven him but I want NOTHING to do with him physically/ in-the-marital-way. Everyday I think of what he’s done, and the horrible consequences we are now dealing with. Sometimes (often) I want to take my daughter and leave. Although my husband and I are getting along civilly there is no affection. Though I have a college degree I have not been able to find a job that pays more than $9/hr and I worry about childcare. I worry if I stay we will simply exist… I will forever worry that he will continually stray and lead a double-life. If he “simply” had an affair with a woman I would be willing to trust that we could overcome this tragedy with counseling, but he’s also confessed to contacting male-male sites and met up last summer with a man he met online (ugh) The problem therefore just isn’t typical infidelity, but a secret past I am only now learning about and probably many other things I’ve yet to find out.

My daughter ADORES her Daddy, and he adores her. It would nearly kill me to split us up, but I don’t know how I can stay in this situation. Now that we are both unemployed we have no insurance for counseling.

Advice appreciated (I am finally going to make an appointment with my parish priest this week). Please pray for me.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Blessed Mother, Seat of Wisdom, please pray for Carolyn.

Of course you must see a priest, but I will offer my online-stranger’s opinion: That’s not a marraige. You can very likely have it annulled. After your divorce. I am sure that is an option you are considering. He did not reveal who he was when you married him - an "ex"homosexual and perverse sex addict who is obviously still one and the same. Not the man you thought you were marrying; he did not present himself as he was. Therefore grounds for annulment. You must realize you put your health in jeopardy. Good thing “no relations” now. As to that, it would put you in not only physical danger, but in danger to your heart.

If you divorce the court will award you some support. You won’t be able to live to the same standards but it may well be best anyway. They will award him much custody, though, unless he abuses drugs or alcohol. That’s usually the only exception; as, a case against his sexual deviancy is not there when society thinks anything you do sexually is your own business. So he will have ample custody time meaning you will have no access to your daughter for big chunks of time.

So consider that, also in light of what I say in the paragraph that follows this. For these reasons, its possible you might choose to stay legally married to live that sham in the same house just so you can be with your daughter more. Its in some cases its the best parenting option - some moms decide it worth suffering though living in a pseudo-relationship for full access to their children. My sis-in-law does this with her pseudo-husband. She is glad she has been able to be with her children all their young lives and as they approach junior high she hopes to keep it up til they are through high school. And we both think its been best to for her kids to have full access to both parents, which they have when the parents live in the same home. So you don’t get a partner in life, any kind of marital relationship, but you get to do whats best for your child. Its a sacrifice you will likely be glad to have made when you look back on your life. In my opinion, if you can find tolerable way to get along, after you grieve what you thought you had but never did, and then you accept reality, it can be the best choice for a Catholic - who has access to the greatest gifts of God, the Sacraments (that ordinary way God pours out extraordinary graces) that keep you close to the Lord who is your Rock and your Strength. He is the husband to the husbandless. You can count on Him.

The big concern with a sexual deviant (referring to porn, gay sex, adultery with same sex) is he may also molest your daughter. (Maybe its a blessing she is not a son). Not all deviants will molest children, so you may be safe. But I would want to be sure. So keep aware. Stay in prayer. Find a support group; you will find some good Catholic support here but also you need support of those who understands what its like to live with sexual deviants.

 

[ricofall]

First off, no one wins when parents separate. I pray this can be worked out. However, you may need to leave for a while while you figure things out. You may be a SAHM, but do you have have family or friends you could stay with for a while?

Also, I cannot speak for or against your Husband but perhaps he has an addiction. It may be for sex or attention or something else. It does not justify what he has done but figuring out the root cause can start the healing. Why does he need this other person? Why would he throw away his God given life for cheap sexual pleasure? Perhaps even he does not know why.

I so wish I could offer you something that would help and make your life easier. Just know that God will never abandon you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I just want to let you know that Catholic Charities has a sliding income scale so that if you are unemployed you will likely pay nothing.

I don’t know that I have any advice, but you will be in my prayers.

 

[CountrySteve]

Praying…

 

[Pilosopo]

I may state the obvious, that you are hurt, and struggling to keep it together.
When someone is hurting and feelings are overwhelming, it is difficult to make important decisions, and so such decisions will have to be delayed for as long as possible.

You’re wanting to connect with someone who can bring some calm while you handle with the hurt. The parish priest may help. What about a friend you can call, visit?
I’ve met a lot of hurt people. I’ve been hurt myself. It seems like it won’t pass, but somehow it does. Do take care of yourself and connect with a friend.

 

[Annie39]

I will try to describe this in a nutshell: (a LONG nutshell)
I am a SAHM, late 40’s, 5 year old daughter, married in the Catholic Church to a Catholic man in his early 50’s.
3 days after my 7th wedding anniversary I discovered evidence that my husband was socking away cash and carrying on a sexual affair with a woman. I confronted him, he gave me the “She’s nobody, she means nothing” speech, and admitted it finally.
Also discovered THOUSANDS of texts to her number, and hundreds to another female co-worker. (could not read m.them, just could see the usage on our phone bill)
After taking a few days to cool off I broke my silence made an appointment to see a marriage counselor.
While driving to the appointment he disclosed that as a young teenager he had multiple sexual encounters with at least one other young boy and later a multiple year relationship with an adult male. Throughout his 20’s (before we were married) he had multiple relationships with both males and females over the years.
He claimed that he loves me and that when our sex life declined (after the birth of our child) he sought sex outside of our marriage. He says he does not want to divorce, and vowed to cut off all relations with the woman he was having an affair with.
She reported the relationship to his corporate office (he was salaried management, she was part-time hourly). He was subsequently fired for violating company policy.
In the meantime, hoping to save our marriage, over many tears and brutal conversations we began constructive talking and resumed “relations”.
In January of 2013 I discovered he had resumed texting/sexting the woman he was having an affair with previously, despite the fact that we seemed to be making progress. I discovered they were sending eachother pornography and deeply explicit texts. I confronted him once again, he once again declared his “love” for me, said he did not consider divorce, but I told him this was the last straw.
In the months that have passed I have not resumed “relations” with him and keep a close eye on all computer and phone activity. We are now basically living together like roomates rather than husband and wife. He has resumed going to Mass weekly.

I feel like I am “in the closet” now with him. After rediscovering his infidelity in January I have forgiven him but I want NOTHING to do with him physically/ in-the-marital-way. Everyday I think of what he’s done, and the horrible consequences we are now dealing with. Sometimes (often) I want to take my daughter and leave. Although my husband and I are getting along civilly there is no affection. Though I have a college degree I have not been able to find a job that pays more than $9/hr and I worry about childcare. I worry if I stay we will simply exist… I will forever worry that he will continually stray and lead a double-life. If he “simply” had an affair with a woman I would be willing to trust that we could overcome this tragedy with counseling, but he’s also confessed to contacting male-male sites and met up last summer with a man he met online (ugh) The problem therefore just isn’t typical infidelity, but a secret past I am only now learning about and probably many other things I’ve yet to find out.

My daughter ADORES her Daddy, and he adores her. It would nearly kill me to split us up, but I don’t know how I can stay in this situation. Now that we are both unemployed we have no insurance for counseling.

Advice appreciated (I am finally going to make an appointment with my parish priest this week). Please pray for me.

What is an SAHM?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What is an SAHM?

Means Stay At Home Mom.

A mom that doesn’t have an outside career, that is. Usually the “stay at home” moms are doing everything BUT staying home, except when the kids are little!

 

[mountee]

My heart goes out to you and I will pray fervently for all of you. May God give you strength.
Memorare
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

 

[Auntie_A]

I am concerned about you and your hurt. I may come on like a nagging auntie but bear with me. You mention that you would forgive the affair with the woman but not now since he revealed his past homosexual attractions and behaviors. EITHER one of those is grounds enough to separate. Either one of those is a reason to avoid sexual relations so you don’t contract a sexually transmitted disease. Remember that women can pass on AIDS as well as men. Chances are higher with a gay male but heterosexuals can’t put their blinders on. Your husband does not know who this woman is; who she has had sex with the night before. I had a roommate that looked all conservative but had three different men spending the night in her bedroom over a two week period…and she wasn’t just providing housing…People can be very weird and disordered. And your husband doesn’t seem to use a discerning brain about the company he keeps and what it does to his family and himself.

You poor dear. All of this anxiety and stress. And your daughter may even pick up on it as well: “Daddy is so much fun to be with, but Mommy is always tired, sad, or moody.” Most kids feel underlying dramas.

Separating, getting powerful help (include prayers and masses), and dealing with reality is good. Many men and women have dealt with infidelity, many men and women have dealt with someone who had homosexual attractions when younger or at present; many have dealt with porn addictions; many have dealt with sexually compulsive people.

A friend of mine likes to say: “You are as sick as your secrets”. I would like to add: “So are your children as sick as your secrets.” Girls love their fathers but often can transfer his secrets onto their choice of whom to love later on in life. It is not unheard of to choose someone exactly like Dad, all loving, all kindness, and all secret perversions included. Getting open on this topic with him will put light on his little shadow side, if not for him, then at least for you and your family. In time you will want to educate your daughter so she is not a naive adult. Innocence is good; naivete is dangerous.

This is not your shame or scandal. It is his. And he needs the brunt of the responsibility to seek help, money or not. The last time I checked, the 12 step groups are free to anyone humble and hurt enough to want to get help. I know there is one for sex addicts. He needs to want to heal.

His ill behavior thrives on a secret atmosphere. It thrives on your continually “forgiving” him (not the Christian forgiveness, but the romantic, social, blind forgiveness) and then he returns to the affair, the porn, the drink? the drugs? the disordered thinking and the overall lack of respect for you, your children, and himself. So far he does not feel the full pain of his life. I am sure that you are holding it, though.

It is tough for those of us raised in Christian homes with some sense of love and romance nurtured in us. Those are the things that keep a family together through thick and thin. But certain sad realities of our time (and perhaps ALL time, although it seems much more like a moral free-for-all right now) make it important for us to see through that rosy, pink, romantic view and deal clearly with survival issues.

Can you leave? Yes. Will it be difficult? Yes. Is it already difficult? Yes. Does he need help? Yes. Will he get help? He hasn’t done it so far since nothing is really at stake for him. So his behaviors gradually, like a slow poison. damage him and his family. Someone needs to stand up for truth and justice here.

Rally troops, friends, and resources and call and look around for ways for you and your girl to survive. You might not want or need to use them but you won’t feel so powerless. Perhaps a home care or roommate situation with an elderly person could provide temporary housing if you need it. Something with light responsibilities maybe, where you just need to live there and make errands, safety checks, keep company. You may feel overwhelmed by the thought of change but just making inquiries will lead to a better feeling of possibility. Taking SOME kind of action may lead to a tough time but not as tough as living in constant fear and anxiety, doubt and false hope.

You are in my prayers and many others. Have faith in that fact. I pray that your husband falls hard so he can feel again and I pray that you and your daughter can matter of factly deal with his fall without too much hurt to yourselves. God bless you all.

 

[polki]

Sounds like your husband needs counseling for a sex addiction, and likely porn addiction. Addicts lie and that is what he is doing to you and to himself. Maybe that would be a good place to start if he is willing. If he has returned to Mass, that is good so maybe there is still hope.

 

[CarolynC]

Thanks to each and every one of you who has responded and offered advice and prayers. I will respond a little more in length after my daughter is tucked in for the night.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Blessed Mother, Seat of Wisdom, please pray for Carolyn.

Of course you must see a priest, but I will offer my online-stranger’s opinion: That’s not a marraige. You can very likely have it annulled. After your divorce. I am sure that is an option you are considering. He did not reveal who he was when you married him - an "ex"homosexual and perverse sex addict who is obviously still one and the same. Not the man you thought you were marrying; he did not present himself as he was. Therefore grounds for annulment. You must realize you put your health in jeopardy. Good thing “no relations” now. As to that, it would put you in not only physical danger, but in danger to your heart.

If you divorce the court will award you some support. You won’t be able to live to the same standards but it may well be best anyway. They will award him much custody, though, unless he abuses drugs or alcohol. That’s usually the only exception; as, a case against his sexual deviancy is not there when society thinks anything you do sexually is your own business. So he will have ample custody time meaning you will have no access to your daughter for big chunks of time.

So consider that, also in light of what I say in the paragraph that follows this. For these reasons, its possible you might choose to stay legally married to live that sham in the same house just so you can be with your daughter more. Its in some cases its the best parenting option - some moms decide it worth suffering though living in a pseudo-relationship for full access to their children. My sis-in-law does this with her pseudo-husband. She is glad she has been able to be with her children all their young lives and as they approach junior high she hopes to keep it up til they are through high school. And we both think its been best to for her kids to have full access to both parents, which they have when the parents live in the same home. So you don’t get a partner in life, any kind of marital relationship, but you get to do whats best for your child. Its a sacrifice you will likely be glad to have made when you look back on your life. In my opinion, if you can find tolerable way to get along, after you grieve what you thought you had but never did, and then you accept reality, it can be the best choice for a Catholic - who has access to the greatest gifts of God, the Sacraments (that ordinary way God pours out extraordinary graces) that keep you close to the Lord who is your Rock and your Strength. He is the husband to the husbandless. You can count on Him.

The big concern with a sexual deviant (referring to porn, gay sex, adultery with same sex) is he may also molest your daughter. (Maybe its a blessing she is not a son). Not all deviants will molest children, so you may be safe. But I would want to be sure. So keep aware. Stay in prayer. Find a support group; you will find some good Catholic support here but also you need support of those who understands what its like to live with sexual deviants.

There are several things to point out

1. It is specious to suggest he was ever homosexual so to call him that is absurd (the term bisexual is probably a much better fit given his behaviour patterns)
2. In most divorce cases (80%+) the wife gets primary custody of the kids
3. Statistically he is unlikely to abuse their kid
4. Males children are statistically most likely to be molested by females (~80%), see the Invisible Boy paper

To the OP, your husband really needs help, you are currently enabling him.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

There are several things to point out

1. It is specious to suggest he was ever homosexual so to call him that is absurd (the term bisexual is probably a much better fit given his behaviour patterns)
2. In most divorce cases (80%+) the wife gets primary custody of the kids
3. Statistically he is unlikely to abuse their kid
4. Males children are statistically most likely to be molested by females (~80%), see the Invisible Boy paper
   …

Not willing to nod to those stats without references. I am sure someone said it with a study once but one needs to study the study! There are a LOT of false conclusions made by research! And who can say whose argument for a label is specious - I think my guess is as good as yours.

“Primary custody” is typically you have to split all your child’s holidays in half or alternate them. So you will not see all your child’s Christmas’ and Easters or every holiday will be rushed because you need to give up your child for half of it. Same with school vacations and summer vacations. Every other weekend you will not see your child, often you see them off to school Friday morning and don’t see them til 7pm Sunday - just in time to get them off to bed and then up in the morning after whatever they did all weekend. No time for them to unwind at home after being away. Then there is the weekday or two where you cannot see them after school, only just before bed, just like Sunday nights. It is such a difficult way to get a child through school years. And it is a sad and terrible way for a child to get through school years.

I know. I have primary custody. Its no picnic. I think it has been an inspiration for my sister-in-law to stay in her marriage, seeing how I had to suddenly parent after being there 24/7 for my son his whole life till then.

 

[CarolynC]

I’m back. Thanks again to all those who have reached out via this forum. Each of you has touched on points I have considered while in the midst of this whirlwind. I have a sister and a couple of extremely close girlfriends to whom I’ve been burdening with a few of the details, but I have not shared the complete story (meaning the SSA portion) with anyone (until posting here, thru a veil of remaining anonymous).

Everyday I feel myself wafting between anger, rage, disgust, blaming myself, denial, sadness, grief, hope, confusion etc. I wonder how much God expects of me in this situation. I wonder if His will is for me to bear the suffering in staying together as a way to lure my husband away from “the dark side”… I wonder if God could actually expect that of me?! What kind of example do I set for my daughter if I stay? If I leave (with her)? Whether I stay or go how to I keep compassion, patience and civility without “enabling” his behavior? Is staying with him “enabling” him? What is my obligation to him if our marriage is invalid (and I would only know that if determined by a Tribunal AFTER a civil divorce has been obtained!)

I do believe in miracles but this situation is SO TWISTED. Hopefully my priest can offer some direction, and in the meantime I am grateful for your prayers and encouragement, and yes: the tough-love knock-some-sense-into-me stuff.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Not willing to nod to those stats without references. I am sure someone said it with a study once but one needs to study the study! There are a LOT of false conclusions made by research! And who can say whose argument for a label is specious - I think my guess is as good as yours.

“Primary custody” is typically you have to split all your child’s holidays in half or alternate them. So you will not see all your child’s Christmas’ and Easters or every holiday will be rushed because you need to give up your child for half of it. Same with school vacations and summer vacations. Every other weekend you will not see your child, often you see them off to school Friday morning and don’t see them til 7pm Sunday - just in time to get them off to bed and then up in the morning after whatever they did all weekend. No time for them to unwind at home after being away. Then there is the weekday or two where you cannot see them after school, only just before bed, just like Sunday nights. It is such a difficult way to get a child through school years. And it is a sad and terrible way for a child to get through school years.

I know. I have primary custody. Its no picnic. I think it has been an inspiration for my sister-in-law to stay in her marriage, seeing how I had to suddenly parent after being there 24/7 for my son his whole life till then.

1. One could label a dog a horse, but it’s still a dog
2. I would like to point out that there is a positive correlation between a father getting time with his children and the money consistently arriving on time and in full.
3. No seriously, he isn’t statistically likely to molest the child
4. webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:cby8IoETtiAJ:www.canadiancrc.com/PDFs/The_Invisible_Boy_Report.pdf

 

[CarolynC]

I would never want to keep my daughter from her Father… a child needs both parents, but if we separate I worry that he’ll bring people around that I don’t know or trust and there will be nothing I can do about it. If we separate/ divorce I cannot monitor who’s around when I’m not. That right there scares the you know what out of me.

I still love him (am I crazy) but realize this does not mean that we should stay together. I am not a doormat. I would most likely be already gone if it wasn’t for the fact that we have a daughter… DAM%IT HOW WHY… WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO US!!!

it’s late… goodnight and God Bless you all…

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

…
Everyday I feel myself wafting between anger, rage, disgust, blaming myself, denial, sadness, grief, hope, confusion etc. I wonder how much God expects of me in this situation.

He is so close to all who are suffering. His heart breaks for you.

… I wonder if His will is for me to bear the suffering in staying together as a way to lure my husband away from “the dark side”…I wonder if God could actually expect that of me?!

This I doubt very much… I think that considering it your duty to lure him from the dark is not something ANY priest woudl tell you is your duty. However you should pray for his soul.

… What kind of example do I set for my daughter if I stay? If I leave (with her)?

Good questions with no easy answers. One thing that people told me when I divorced (my son was 8) is that kids are hardy and they adjust. I did not believe this, I was very concerned for his well-being. But I have to say, he adjusted better than me. It was so hard starting out as a dreaded single parent, and I sometimes felt quite sorry for myself, and when that self-pity got too deep, I think my Guardian Angel helped me out because a thought would cross my mind: “Some moms are taking their kids to chemotherapy today.” Pity party over! That worked for me, to remind myself that other Moms had much bigger struggles. I had so much to be grateful for.

I think you will set a good example for your daughter n o matter what you do, in either scenario.

It might be a bit harder in your situation because YOU have to choose. I thought it was hard for me, not getting to choose to stay or go, I had to go, like it or not (ex had an affair, wanted to move there, and take our son. He did not get out son though).

I remember telling my priest in counsel at that time, “I don’t know what to do! I wish God would just tell me, then I woudl do it!” It was because the lawyer was recommending I sue him back for divorce; I had wanted to divorce him back, and the lawyer said I could possible lose my child going that route (long explanation, doesn’t apply here). The priest said yes, people do wish this but God doesn’t usually do this. He gives us his teaching and His wisdom and our brains and we have to use what he gave us to come to a decision. He said in my case that I had a good reputable lawyer and he was giving me advice and it woudl be wise to take it.
you also wrote later in this post:

… I do believe in miracles but this situation is SO TWISTED.

and I want to say that at this meeting with the priest I was troubled by the lawyers advice because I thought I was giving up on God by giving in to the divorce (not fighting it against all odds and all advice while I waited for a God to do his miracle). The priest (very reputable here for great piety and wisdom) said, "’ “God DOES miracles but he never tells us to EXPECT one.” e said I need to go with the situation as it is, then, not wait for a miracle.

Well I cannot say enough for seeking the advice of a priest who is known in your area for wisdom and piety.

I want to say that you are in a state not knowing what you will do now, accept that. There is a time for knowing and a time for not knowing. What you need to do is seek wise counsel, and we are throwing you crumbs to consider but priestly counsel is most important. I also cannot recommend more highly phone counseling with Gregory Popcak.

… Whether I stay or go how to I keep compassion, patience and civility without “enabling” his behavior? Is staying with him “enabling” him?

I don’t think you can dis-enable this kind of behavior. Counsel with a wise Catholic counselor like Popcaks organization will guide you here. I am thinkign they might suggest some kind of ground rules for if you stay. No porn or he is out, i.e. Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe it just isn’t possible to stay with him if he is addicted to sex. But there are counselors out there that know this sort of thing.

(I know you are really expecting real answers on this thread. Just thought I woudl give you some feedback).

… What is my obligation to him if our marriage is invalid (and I would only know that if determined by a Tribunal AFTER a civil divorce has been obtained!)

Yes, this is true. But really you should only divorce if staying married is bad for you, him, or your daughter, or all three. So if you are supposed to get out of it, you must, you must legally get out. And then the church decides if you can remarry or not. After you apply and then wait! Waiting is what I am doing now. A devout friend who knows my love says that if my diocese says no I could move to another and reapply! Seems scandalous, but it is an option, and she is wise and devout so it must be true. (I am not getting that far ahead of myself though. I think we have a case but one cannot presume.)

So if you knew you had annulment in the bag, would you only then divorce? If you knew you could not annul, would you stay? Probably not. You will go or stay if its what you should do, what is right. So it doesn’t really matter, right? You can only handle one thing at a time anyway.

At any rate many people say that the process of annulment is healing after a divorce.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I would never want to keep my daughter from her Father… a child needs both parents, but if we separate I worry that he’ll bring people around that I don’t know or trust and there will be nothing I can do about it. If we separate/ divorce I cannot monitor who’s around when I’m not. That right there scares the you know what out of me.

I still love him (am I crazy) but realize this does not mean that we should stay together. I am not a doormat. I would most likely be already gone if it wasn’t for the fact that we have a daughter… DAM%IT HOW WHY… WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO US!!!

it’s late… goodnight and God Bless you all…

Yes, those are the concerns that are so awful and hard. Yes, its true, when you separate or divorce you cannot monitor who is around when you are not. That is worse the younger they are of course. For me in hindsight it was not so bad. No terrible things happened. (Not yet). But I really hovered the first about three years, and only slowly, slowly, slowly let up. My new relationship I am in, came after 9 years and just after a powerful spiritual healing. Before that there was really nothing for me. It was all about my son and my responsibilities only.

If I could go back and change anything it would be to accept my cross and worry less, trust in God more. The way I parented pre-divorce - there 24/7, and home-schooling SAHM - was to me the most right way to parent and it was so awful to be forced to change that. But frankly I joined the ranks of so many parents who cannot parent as they would like.*** What can they do? Only trust in God. Is He able? Yes!

You can only do what you can and do the best you are able in the circumstances you are in and trust God for the rest.

---

*** Think of parents in Nazi-Germany who had to send their kids to Nazi school! Or who had to live in hiding, or send their kids elsewhere to live, because of war or any number of reasons. We cannot all do it ideally. But God cares for every soul and has a heart for every mother.

 

[Auntie_A]

I want to tell you the obvious: Everyone has opinions, me included. Take what you need here and throw out the rest. Literally sit down with this thread, look it over, write the best ideas and information on a big sheet of paper.

Pray.

Write your argument or your “what if” next to each good idea. Share it with a trusted friend or counsellor. Seek their opinions.

Then pray on it again.

This is your life and family and you don’t want to make decisions based only on other people’s pressures or ideas. On the other hand, you don’t want to make a decision without a clear view, without other ideas.

And you certainly have received a lot of views on what is possible.

You can leave, ask him to leave, stay to avoid custody nonsense, deal with other nonsense.

You know, life is crazy. You could have married the guy with NO problems and still be in a tizzy about: his retirement plan, your mother-in-law, the neighbors, the sick secular influences…I’m sure there would be something. There always is. My sister met the right guy and he died five years later, leaving her with three babies. Robert Fulghum said something about how we all need to learn in life the difference between a lump in your oatmeal, a lump in your throat, or a lump in your breast.

You are still alive, hopefully healthy, and you have a wonderful daughter.

The husband needs a big “Call to order”, a “Come to Jesus” kick in the pants. He needs to lie panting on the floor in fear for his eternal soul. Anything you want to do to kick him to the floor is up to you. You can avoid it and hope the kick happens elsewhere by someone else…probably won’t happen. Or you can be extremely loving and just smear his face with it in front of his favorite relative. It still might not be enough. You can just leave with no words expressed: no guarantee that he will change. You can stay and do nothing: still no guarantee. Chances might increase if he has to suffer. If he has to tell his peers that his marriage is botched, that he can’t live with his daughter. After all that, some people still don’t feel rock bottom, no matter what you do or don’t do. This is why we pray: to learn to do the best thing for ourselves and our family. And have faith. No decision is easy.

Try to thank God for all of this. I know this sounds hideous but I have looked back on the awful things of my life and I now think, "I can’t imagine my life without the crummy things that happened: the rotten stuff in life has made me grow up, lean on God more, understand the sufferings of others, take things less for granted…The good stuff is good but the bad stuff has been more revealing of the truth.

Imagine your life if you never knew these details about your husband. You might feel things or think things but you would never know things for certain. The illusion would be a sssllllloooooowwwww drain of energy. Well, now you know. That is good. The healing will take work but if you approach it all truthfully (truthful to yourself…you don’t have to tell everyone your business) in time, your life will have an integrity to it that you could never buy.

We are people of faith. We are in collaboration with our Creator. Talk with God. Love God with more love than you have for your husband, friends and family and then listen quietly and humbly for an answer. Gather information. Go to a 12 step meeting like al-anon or a family support group. I know, sometimes those meetings can be fearsome or annoying, but it is good to hear how others deal with things, how some people hang on, how some let go, how God carries us through it all.