Infidelity, SSA, don't know what to do

[quiet52]

3 days after my 7th wedding anniversary I discovered evidence that my husband was socking away cash and carrying on a sexual affair with a woman.

…Advice appreciated (I am finally going to make an appointment with my parish priest this week). Please pray for me.

Your lying, cheating and sex-addicted husband CANNOT be trusted with any shared assets. I am assuming that because you have no medical insurance, your family does not qualify for state Medicaid because the value of your assets exceed the eligibility limits? Please get yourself to Legal Aid or some kind of pro-bono attorney, IMMEDIATELY, without informing your husband in advance. You need to protect yourself and your daughter financially, and you need to know how to do it legally. This is more urgent than deciding whether to divorce, at this point. Again, do NOT trust your husband. It is no deficit on your part as a loving person to not trust him – he has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted. Trusting him would be a “false issue” at this point in the game. I suggest that you gather up all bank statements and other documentation about any and all assets you and your husband own. Hide them well. This action in itself will not be enough to prevent your husband from cashing in for himself, but it might slow him down.

Ask your attorney for information and referrals concerning general assistance, housing and other subsistence issues. You need to be armed with as much information as possible, whether you have to act on it or not.

Get yourself tested IMMEDIATELY for STDs. They do not always present symptoms. If this subject has come up in past conversations with your husband, do not take him at his word. Again, he cannot be trusted. If you cannot afford a doctor’s appointment, call the Public Health department and ask where you can get free tests and check-ups.

Go job hunting. Even if you have something in savings for now. The more work experience, the better, for the future. Ask your relatives for help with childcare, if need be.

And do not resume marital relationships with your husband. He is not committed to your marriage. Even if it’s true he has some love for you, he has demonstrated that he either doesn’t understand, or is incapable of living out, what marital love is. Do not tell him this last part yet – Wait until your attorney helps you to secure what is yours – and do not “settle” for only 50% of the assets, because you are hoping for custody of your daughter. Think of her needs and your needs. You won’t be receiving any child support or maintenance payments if your husband is not working. For you to address the financial aspect of your marriage asap would not be “selfish” or unloving – it is necessarily being “responsible.” You need to take hold of the steering wheel, dear sister in Christ, and you should consider that legal assistance, counseling, emotional and spiritual support, and so forth, are necessary “driving lessons” to help you to navigate.

I am sorry you’ve been sinned against in these ways. You need to remain strong in faith, and it’s very hard to do that alone. I speak all this from personal experience. Please commit to a daily discipline of prayer, ask your priest for at least monthly spiritual direction, and talk with your friends and especially with your family. Do not miss Sunday Mass. Another poster recommended obtaining some counseling from Catholic Charities – if that doesn’t pan out, seek counseling support from other Christian counselors, to help you through the storms of anxiety and grief during this time of adjustment.

Please do your best not to hate your husband, because that will just consume you and make it more difficult for you to be present to yourself, your daughter, or to anyone else. Pray for him – maybe just a one-sentence prayer to begin with. Sin is spiritual sickness, and he is very sick. I’ve had to frame sins against me in that way, in order to have some compassion for those who have hurt me and in order to begin forgiving them. Keep the ultimate goal in mind – eternal union with God in heaven – and, hopefully, union with your husband (in heaven) too, because God wants all sinners to repent and to be with Him, yes?

But … another thought with regard to forgiveness, keep in mind that forgiving him does not mean you must resume marital relations or trust him again. Remain respectful, for your husband is a child of God as well as the father of your daughter, encourage your husband to make a frequent Confession and to attend Mass, and try to be a model of maturity.

Please enjoy that little girl of yours in the midst of all you need to tend to. She is a treasure who needs to remember some joys and special moments during what will be a confusing, unsettling trial for her. Focus on what is good during all the hard stuff.

With God’s help, and with the help from people He makes available to you, you can navigate yourself out of this mess, to a more healthy situation, and remain holy while doing so.

You and your family are in my prayers.

 

[ecotime47]

I am praying for you today CarolynC. There are a few books I would like to recommend you take a look at in addition to counseling and working with your priest. They are:
Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke;
Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis, by Dr. James C. Dobson;
Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, by Gary and Mona Shriver.

You and your family are facing a very difficult situation but if both of you are willing to put in the necessary work, your marraige can be restored.

I think it is encouraging that he not only admitted to the affair but also to his past sexual behavior. His decision to allow the light of truth to shine on everything in his past is a good indicator of true remorse and desire for healing and wholeness.

There is no doubt a fierce battle going on in his mind. The proces of healing may take a very long time and will more than likely include several small victories and defeats along the way. Hang in there friend!

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

…There are a few books I would like to recommend you take a look at … They are:
Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke;
Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis, by Dr. James C. Dobson;
Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, by Gary and Mona Shriver.

I am dis-reccommending these books. IMO they won’t help, or worse - they will wound. I will explain in another post.

You and your family are facing a very difficult situation but if both of you are willing to put in the necessary work, your marraige can be restored.

Do you think all marriages can be restored? Do you also think all people can be restored? No one could have tried harder or more lovingly or more intelligently or more knowingly than Jesus to restore Judas, yet Judas was not restored. Because God gave us free will, and the sad fact is some will always choose wrong. And God does not violate the will.

But what does his “willingness” mean? You must have missed a key part of Carolyn’s story. Here it is:
I discovered evidence that my husband was socking away cash and carrying on a sexual affair with a woman. I confronted him, he gave me the “She’s nobody, she means nothing” speech, and admitted it finally.
He says he does not want to divorce, and vowed to cut off all relations with the woman he was having an affair with.
[Later]
I discovered he had resumed texting/sexting the woman he was having an affair with previously, despite the fact that we seemed to be making progress. I discovered they were sending eachother pornography and deeply explicit texts. I confronted him once again, he once again declared his “love” for me,

See, he doesn’t expose himself voluntarily; he gets caught, and is forced to explain somehow. He tried a lie: “She’s nothing” and that worked until Carolyn discovered 1000s of texts.

He lies when he can, tells the truth when he is forced to. He tells her what she wants to hear, then does not make good on his promises.

So, what does his “willingness” mean?

We are called to love one another,. Jesus never calls us to blindly trust. In fact we are called to be wise as serpents (and gentle as doves). We are called to have faith in God. Not faith in persons. Faith and trust is precious, not to be thrown to swine. There needs to be some reasonable reason to entrust it.

I think it is encouraging that he not only admitted to the affair but also to his past sexual behavior. His decision to allow the light of truth to shine on everything in his past is a good indicator of true remorse and desire for healing and wholeness.

There is no doubt a fierce battle going on in his mind. The process of healing may take a very long time and will more than likely include several small victories and defeats along the way. Hang in there friend!

His sharing is not encouraging to me. The time to for him to do all this “sharing” was BEFORE they married, so she knew what she was signing up with and could make an* informed consent. *
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[Oh_Charlotte]

…There are a few books I would like to recommend you take a look at … They are:
Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, by Dave Carder and Duncan Jaenicke;
Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis, by Dr. James C. Dobson;
Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, by Gary and Mona Shriver.

Here is why I am dis-recommending these books.I want to save Carolyn some wasted time, and also some pain from one of those books.

Love Must Be Tough: I highly recommend this book for others. It is perfect for those who were as Dobson once was (he uses himself as an example and the basis of his theory for the book) - a young innocent faithful Christian taking his faithful and moral Christian girlfriend for granted, not willing to commit when they had dated long. Its also helpful for some adultery cases. But Carolyn is dealing with a man long steeped in sexual addiction, multiple sexual perversions and pathological lying as well as the cheating. I have read this book and recommended it to others, whom it did help greatly, but I would not recommend it to Carolyn (except as interesting reading someday when she has time for leisure reading).

Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity Read the amazon reviews. I conclude its interesting leisure reading for someday when Carolyn has not pain from this and also actual leisure time. The conclusion of reviews many liked this as an honest heartfelt highly *personal *story but its not big on guidance, as in: “…It has a lot of helpful information but it does lack a few answers. One question that I would like an answer to is, what to do when the infidel doesn’t want to change?”
And that went along with these other two:
“… I had a hard time reading this book not because it was not well written but because my wounds were new, cuts were still fresh so I was not able to take away anything from this book. Maybe in another 3 years I will be able to read this book in its entirety…”
“…I found this book very helpful, although I did struggle with the amount of personal details that are emphasized. I felt sometimes like it was totally about their story and not about moving forward in MY story. …”

Does that sound helpful? Not to me. But better unhelpful than wounding, like Torn Asunder. See next post.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

As to Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, that one sounds wounding, the last thing Carolyn needs. In fact it sounds like beating someone when they are down.

The many complainers with very detailed specific complaints, while the many supporters were suspiciously brief and unspecific in their praise.

Well-articulated complaints:
"I have two complaints about this book. First, there is an anti-woman undercurrent that set my teeth on edge from the get go. If you read the “case studies” carefully, women are almost always shown having hysterical, violent, over-the-top reactions, whether they are the betrayer or the betrayed. In one case, the betrayed wife immediately calls her husband’s boss and waits for him to arrive with his wife before she will even speak to her cheating husband. Who does that??? She then proceeds to call the other woman’s husband and rant over the phone that she wants both of them dead. Seriously? Even the letter from the “other woman” at the beginning is a joke. She was herself married, and the breakthrough to the recovery of her own marriage following her affair came when she broke down, hysterically begging her husband to help her overcome her weakness. In the one case given (that I managed to get to before I gave up entirely on the book) in which the husband was the injured spouse, he “opened his heart” to his cheating wife in a blissful moment of forgiveness. I wanted to throw the book into a corner.

My second complaint is that the injured spouse is expected to accept responsibility for the infidelity. Carder gives the betrayer lots of thinly-veiled sympathy. The unstated message I got from the book: the poor, cheating spouse was forced to into the affair by the negligent, inattentive spouse (nearly always the wife in his examples). Recovery can’t happen until the faithful spouse realizes the error of their ways. It was insulting. The injured spouse should examine his or her actions WITHIN THE MARRIAGE that gave context to the development of the affair, but the cheating spouse must be held accountable for his or her decision to cheat.

If you are the betrayed spouse or a woman with an ounce of self-respect, pick a different book! My suggestion: NOT “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass."

“…This book was a real surprise. Its full of calm and subtle tips that give the adulterer plenty of leash and no guilt. I would call this book perfectly seeker-friendly and is so bad on avoiding repentance and responsibility for the sin it should not even be in the Christian category. Don’t waste your time with this book, especially if your the spouse who did not commit the affair. Dave has plenty of ownership for you to take but very little for the adulterer. Though we should search ourselves in such a time, NO ONE can cause someone else to sin. And the word sin means two different things to Dave and I. Instead, pick up a copy of At the Alter of Sexual Idolatry by Steve Gallagher. This book calls sin…sin. And it calls the adulterer to a real repentance and transformation. Daves book is Dr. Phil with a Christian category placement that it doesn’t deserve. …”

‘’…I beg you NOT to give this book out to somebody who has just gone through, or who is going through marital infidelity. The book can be both PAINFUL and even destructive.

Why? Let me first say that we ALL could admit that we should be a better spouse…We ALL are human beings with faults, oddities, and imperfections. Whether one is an infidel (cheating spouse) or a spouse (faithful spouse) NEITHER of the two are everything that they should be, or will ever be all that they should be. We are not Jesus Christ. However, this book by Carder seems to (from the beginning) bring charges (so to speak) against the one who has NOT strayed instead of putting full blame on the offending infidel. …I think Carder puts too much blame on the faithful spouse, and probably inadvertantly excuses the full crime of the offending infidel… It is OUR fault when we sin! We choose to do it. It’s not my dad’s, mom’s, or grandparents’ fault. It is MY fault when I sin! It is the INFIDELS fault for their wanderings! …"

“…Once more another “highly recommended” book disappoints. Until the infidel takes FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his sin and the destruction of his family, a marriage can never fully recover. I speak for myself and many other christian women when I say that blaming someone else, even in part, will only add insult to injury. Thank God, I have a husband who was willing to own what he did and not blame me for his selfish choices. This book begins asking the spouse to “OWN” what she did to cause adultery. It left me feeling hopeless and sad. If you want to pay good money to be insulted, then read this book! …”

Please, don’t even think of putting Carolyn through this.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I am dis-reccommending these books. IMO they won’t help, or worse - they will wound. I will explain in another post.

Do you think all marriages can be restored? Do you also think all people can be restored? No one could have tried harder or more lovingly or more intelligently or more knowingly than Jesus to restore Judas, yet Judas was not restored. Because God gave us free will, and the sad fact is some will always choose wrong. And God does not violate the will.

But what does his “willingness” mean? You must have missed a key part of Carolyn’s story. Here it is:
I discovered evidence that my husband was socking away cash and carrying on a sexual affair with a woman. I confronted him, he gave me the “She’s nobody, she means nothing” speech, and admitted it finally.
He says he does not want to divorce, and vowed to cut off all relations with the woman he was having an affair with.
[Later]
I discovered he had resumed texting/sexting the woman he was having an affair with previously, despite the fact that we seemed to be making progress. I discovered they were sending eachother pornography and deeply explicit texts. I confronted him once again, he once again declared his “love” for me,

See, he doesn’t expose himself voluntarily; he gets caught, and is forced to explain somehow. He tried a lie: “She’s nothing” and that worked fine, until Carolyn discovered 1000s of texts.

He lies when he can, tells the truth when he is forced to. He tells her what she wants to hear, then does not make good on his promises.

So, what does his “willingness” mean?

We are called to love one another,. Jesus never calls us to blindly trust. In fact we are called to be wise as serpents (and gentle as doves). We are called to have faith in God. Not faith in persons. Faith and trust is precious, not to be thrown to swine. There needs to be some reasonable reason to entrust it.

His sharing is not encouraging to me. The time to for him to do all this “sharing” was BEFORE they married, so she knew what she was signing up with and could make an* informed consent. *
,
,
,
,
,
,

 

[Auntie_A]

I am dis-reccommending these books. IMO they won’t help, or worse - they will wound. I will explain in another post.

Do you think all marriages can be restored? Do you also think all people can be restored? No one could have tried harder or more lovingly or more intelligently or more knowingly than Jesus to restore Judas, yet Judas was not restored. Because God gave us free will, and the sad fact is some will always choose wrong. And God does not violate the will.

But what does his “willingness” mean? You must have missed a key part of Carolyn’s story. Here it is:
I discovered evidence that my husband was socking away cash and carrying on a sexual affair with a woman. I confronted him, he gave me the “She’s nobody, she means nothing” speech, and admitted it finally.
He says he does not want to divorce, and vowed to cut off all relations with the woman he was having an affair with.
[Later]
I discovered he had resumed texting/sexting the woman he was having an affair with previously, despite the fact that we seemed to be making progress. I discovered they were sending eachother pornography and deeply explicit texts. I confronted him once again, he once again declared his “love” for me,

See, he doesn’t expose himself voluntarily; he gets caught, and is forced to explain somehow. He tried a lie: “She’s nothing” and that worked until Carolyn discovered 1000s of texts.

He lies when he can, tells the truth when he is forced to. He tells her what she wants to hear, then does not make good on his promises.

So, what does his “willingness” mean?

We are called to love one another,. Jesus never calls us to blindly trust. In fact we are called to be wise as serpents (and gentle as doves). We are called to have faith in God. Not faith in persons. Faith and trust is precious, not to be thrown to swine. There needs to be some reasonable reason to entrust it.

His sharing is not encouraging to me. The time to for him to do all this “sharing” was BEFORE they married, so she knew what she was signing up with and could make an* informed consent. * END QUOTE.

Good insights here.

 

[CarolynC]

UPDATE:
hello all.
I’ve spoken with both my priest and psychologist. One thing they both point out is other than “supposedly” not crossing the fidelity line since my second discovery in January my husband has done nothing proactive towards the rebuilding of our marriage (no therapy, no meeting with a spiritual advisor, no initiating discussions with me regarding our past/present/future etc)

The psychologist’s opinion is that my husband needs to confront his sexual past and addiction before he can work on the marriage, but obviously he needs to deal with both. My priest was also of this same opinion.

They both spoke of boundaries and consequences. This is where I plan to approach this train-wreck for now. They both suggested that I give conditions (with timeframes/deadlines) in order to move forward. My priest said “let him know your conditions and expectations, give him a timeframe, and if he doesn’t show effort/progress etc then stick to holding him to consequences.” (which would be separation, possibly leading to something even more grave). By putting the responsibility in my husband’s hands I don’t have to wreck myself day-after-day with anxiety (as long as I stick to the timeframe and enforce the consequence)

I told both psychologist and priest that I was (for now) resisting the urge to flee. But I am willing to try. The thought of years and years of struggling with this is almost paralyzing to me, so the baby-steps approach they suggest is the way I will confront this. I will stop trying to understand and empathize with his reasons and actions. I will stop trying to “fix” him. I will give him a chance, but not unconditionally. I will not waffle, and I will hold him accountable.

Please keep me in your prayers…choosing to be brave is very difficult, no matter how things end up. For now I will take baby-steps and pray that we can recover.

 

[LoveJesus13]

What is SSA?

CarolynC, I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I’m sure it isn’t easy but don’t forget that the Lord is with you through all of this. Continue to pray daily and I’m glad you have an appointment with your parish priest. Let us know how it goes with that. Try to also attend daily mass and adoration- it will help a lot.

As far as your husband, it really doesn’t seem like he is trying. He keeps talking to that woman and he has hidden a lot from you- did you suspect this before you married him? Where there signs or red flags while you dated that just gave you those DOUBTS? I ask this because it’s important to know if God was telling you from the beginning not to be with this guy, and if this is so then I think you have to now listen to that.

I will pray for you and your family especially your daughter and that the Holy Spirit and Blessed Mother will help guide you to do what is right even if that means to leave him. Take care of yourself and God bless.

 

[CarolynC]

Hello LoveJesus13,

SSA is same-sex attraction, meaning that my husband has a sexual attraction to men.
They say hind-sight is 20/20, and looking back on our past some of the things I noticed were that emotionally he could be a bit distant, but I chalked it up to the fact that “he is a guy, and oftentimes many men don’t talk about “deep” things.” He grew up in a very old-fashioned traditional gender-role Sicilian family, and I just figured some of his “old-fashioned” notions about the role of husband and wife were due to that.
However I was aware that he had sexual experiences in his past (although I never in a million-years thought that he had a sexual attraction to men.) He was/is extremely charming with women, but he never made me feel uncomfortable by ogling other women. Occasionally he would tell me he had a dream (of a sexual nature) about someone in particular, but I figured “he’s a man, they frequently think about sex, and you can’t help who or what pops up in your dreams”. I was never quite certain as to “why” he wanted to share this with me though…

 

[Auntie_A]

UPDATE:
hello all.
I’ve spoken with both my priest and psychologist. One thing they both point out is other than “supposedly” not crossing the fidelity line since my second discovery in January my husband has done nothing proactive towards the rebuilding of our marriage (no therapy, no meeting with a spiritual advisor, no initiating discussions with me regarding our past/present/future etc)

The psychologist’s opinion is that my husband needs to confront his sexual past and addiction before he can work on the marriage, but obviously he needs to deal with both. My priest was also of this same opinion.

They both spoke of boundaries and consequences. This is where I plan to approach this train-wreck for now. They both suggested that I give conditions (with timeframes/deadlines) in order to move forward. My priest said “let him know your conditions and expectations, give him a timeframe, and if he doesn’t show effort/progress etc then stick to holding him to consequences.” (which would be separation, possibly leading to something even more grave). By putting the responsibility in my husband’s hands I don’t have to wreck myself day-after-day with anxiety (as long as I stick to the timeframe and enforce the consequence)

I told both psychologist and priest that I was (for now) resisting the urge to flee. But I am willing to try. The thought of years and years of struggling with this is almost paralyzing to me, so the baby-steps approach they suggest is the way I will confront this. I will stop trying to understand and empathize with his reasons and actions. I will stop trying to “fix” him. I will give him a chance, but not unconditionally. I will not waffle, and I will hold him accountable.

Please keep me in your prayers…choosing to be brave is very difficult, no matter how things end up. For now I will take baby-steps and pray that we can recover.

I think you just received the best advice. Try to think of this in a matter of fact way, that you simply must do the right thing for your family, and he must participate in doing the right thing or deal with the fallout of his actions (or inactions). God bless you and your little one. I will pray for all three of you.