Inheritance Strife

[EasterJoy]

He who upsets his household will inherit the wind;
and the fool will become slave to the wise man. (Prov. 11:29)

Anybody have any issues with their siblings while settling their parents estate or trusts?

Our parents were very private with their finances, which caused lots of problems. When they became frail, one of the siblings took over their finances and assured everyone that he/she was running things “the way Dad always has,” claiming that our parents would not want all the children knowing their financial business.

That turned out to be a big mistake, as this sibling did all sorts of things that were not according to Hoyle, to put it mildly, and did not remotely handle our parents’ finances in the same way that our parents did.

I think we’ll be all speaking to each other when it is all over, but it is a wonder.

So–those of you who have children old enough to understand finances, what do your children know about how you run your affairs?

What plans do you have in place for when you can’t manage your own money any more?

What does your estate plan look like? Do you have any special issues? How did you decide who would be the executor or trustee, who you gave medical and financial power of attorney if you are incapacitated? Have you explained these to your children, or not?

Have you discussed your end-of-life decisions and given them to your physician in writing?

 

[bitterhope]

My sister in law is caring for my husband’s parents. She is unmarried with no children. One of my sisters who has no children is caring for my mom. Dad has been gone for 15 years already. It still feels like yesterday. As my husband and I age we will most likely see what the situation is with our children at that point and then put a plan into place. Currently only one son is a legal adult and he is listed in our wills as the guardian for his younger siblings with his godparents as a support system for him. As he grows and matures, and eventually marries, that may need to be adjusted. My husband and I review our wills and update as needed every couple of years and before each deployment. As far as medical decisions, right now it is my oldest sister who would be contacted and consulted but that will eventually change as well. In our will, our house is to be paid off with life insurance money and the kids will reside here. Once they are all of legal age, the house will be sold and divided equally among them unless one decides to buy the siblings out. Or they have the option of splitting the land and each getting a small section. As they grow and mature we will make more definite plans

My inlaws have no real assets and the tiny amount they do have will pass on to my sister in law. We are perfectly fine with that arrangement. My mom has a small life insurance policy and the house. Split between the 14 living siblings I don’t expect to receive anything at all and that does not upset me. We have never received help from family and actually we send support for their care when we can. In recent years that amount is very small and seems to mainly be around tax return time. My husband and I are so happy to be able to help when we can (but desperately wish we could do more), and we are proud that it appears we may actually be able to leave something behind for our own children at the ends of our lives. I pray that it does not cause the problems I so often hear about in other families though. Praying for all families struggling through the loss of loved ones and the drama of finances that seems to go along with that. It is so difficult

 

[maryjk]

We are pretty easy.

We have one child. He is any adult and knows our financial position and understands our desires.

Personally, my husband has a power of attorney, medical and financial, for me. And I have one for him.

My parents were very open about their desires and about their financial position. My sister and I were fine taking care of everything.

I think, for us, it comes from the problems that my Mom’s family put her through when her mom died. It was very interesting to learn that my grandmother lived in a 3 bedroom, two story, house with absolutely no furniture or household items. (She didn’t really, but my aunts and uncle went into the house and cleaned it out before the property could be distributed by the will.) They verbally and physically attacked my mother, to the point that we would have nothing to do with them. My sister and I knew we didn’t want to put each other through that.

 

[EasterJoy]

We had two other relatives die, same executor for both, had no problems. If anything there was a problem getting anyone to take all the family “treasures.”

It is apparently not unusual for the family member who takes the reins to play things according to what they want to do/what they think is best without finding out if their methods are legally kosher or if the rest of the family agrees with their reasoning. This can especially cause problems if there is a history of sibling rivalry and disagreements. The “leadership methods” that worked when the executor was in high school and the siblings were in grade school do not cut it when everyone has gotten married and have children of their own.

 

[Rosebud77]

It all sounds … I now own nothing and have no close famliy. One of my very remote extnded family has my wishes and that is on my medical notes. “Living wills” are not in Irish law at the moment

 

[1ke]

So–those of you who have children old enough to understand finances, what do your children know about how you run your affairs?

What plans do you have in place for when you can’t manage your own money any more?

What does your estate plan look like? Do you have any special issues? How did you decide who would be the executor or trustee, who you gave medical and financial power of attorney if you are incapacitated? Have you explained these to your children, or not?

Have you discussed your end-of-life decisions and given them to your physician in writing?

Both my parents, who are approaching 70 (they had me when they were mere children) and who are long divorced, have estate plans and trusts set up. Thank GOD. They are totally sensible about all their finances.

Each has a trust set up and they have established trustees for the trusts (I am the only child from the two of them, but dad has another son, my half-brother, and two stepsons while mom has two children that are my half-siblings as well). So, on each side I, along with one of my siblings, am a trustee on the trust (i’m the oldest, I guess both parents think I need to be a trustee) and financial POA while another of my siblings on each side is the medical POA (those who live closest to them). For my mom, my brother is also on her credit card account so he can make purchases on her behalf as necessary.

They have advance directives, trusts, POAs, health care POA, and everything else all drawn up by lawyers, all very well spelled out and no surprises. We have copies of all documents.

While I don’t know the exact worth of each parent at any given moment, I know the ball park, know their wishes, and most importantly know where to find everything. No hunting around for documents and accounts when they pass away.

Thankfully all of us are responsible, and not greedy (except for one, but dad has even thought of that already). And know our parents would haunt us from the grave if we were ever badly behaved regarding money.

I have one brother in the mix who has a troubled past and troubled present, and my dad has taken care of that by establishing a trust for his eventual inheritance that he will not have access to and another brother of mine and I will be trustees of, with full discretion for paying living expenses for him and conserving his inheritance. THAT will be the only real trial in this whole thing, because he will want to get at and spend all the money and we will have legal authority and conservatorship and that will **** him off greatly. But oh well. He doesn’t know about it, only my brother and I do.

All in all, I lucked out with very smart and capable parents who don’t want the proverbial sh*t to hit the fan when they die.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

My Dad passed away almost 19 years ago.

My mom now has dementia, we are in limbo currently about transferring her to a nursing home.

She’s made a number of poor decisions regarding finances. Some were done when she was in the beginning stages of dementia. Others were poor decisions regarding her home.
So, I’m assuming that we will only have personal items to inherit. Some of her things seem to be missing as well. I’m not sure where they could be, if she lost or sold them. I don’t think stolen.

 

[EasterJoy]

Both my parents, who are approaching 70 (they had me when they were mere children) and who are long divorced, have estate plans and trusts set up. Thank GOD. They are totally sensible about all their finances.

Each has a trust set up and they have established trustees for the trusts (I am the only child from the two of them, but dad has another son, my half-brother, and two stepsons while mom has two children that are my half-siblings as well). So, on each side I, along with one of my siblings, am a trustee on the trust (i’m the oldest, I guess both parents think I need to be a trustee) and financial POA while another of my siblings on each side is the medical POA (those who live closest to them). For my mom, my brother is also on her credit card account so he can make purchases on her behalf as necessary.

They have advance directives, trusts, POAs, health care POA, and everything else all drawn up by lawyers, all very well spelled out and no surprises. We have copies of all documents.

While I don’t know the exact worth of each parent at any given moment, I know the ball park, know their wishes, and most importantly know where to find everything. No hunting around for documents and accounts when they pass away.

Thankfully all of us are responsible, and not greedy (except for one, but dad has even thought of that already). And know our parents would haunt us from the grave if we were ever badly behaved regarding money.

I have one brother in the mix who has a troubled past and troubled present, and my dad has taken care of that by establishing a trust for his eventual inheritance that he will not have access to and another brother of mine and I will be trustees of, with full discretion for paying living expenses for him and conserving his inheritance. THAT will be the only real trial in this whole thing, because he will want to get at and spend all the money and we will have legal authority and conservatorship and that will **** him off greatly. But oh well. He doesn’t know about it, only my brother and I do.

All in all, I lucked out with very smart and capable parents who don’t want the proverbial sh*t to hit the fan when they die.

All things considered, I don’t know how they could have done better, excepting to tell your brother he will be getting a conservator while you two who are sober will not, and why. You know what kind of resentment and headaches that is going to put onto your lap, but the surprise isn’t going to make matters better. (Well, except for your parents, who will have to deal with none of it.)

Some parents opt for a professional conservator, but those are more expensive than siblings who will do the work for free. Smaller trusts rarely use them. Giving you discretion about what to give him instead of just giving him a set income that you can’t change is going to put you on the spot to have him badgering you all the time, though. Of course, you trustees can decide to simply use his inheritance to buy an annuity that will give him a regular set income and be done with it. You can only protect someone from himself so much.

 

[1ke]

All things considered, I don’t know how they could have done better, excepting to tell your brother he will be getting a conservator while you two who are sober will not, and why. You know what kind of resentment and headaches that is going to put onto your lap, but the surprise isn’t going to make matters better. (Well, except for your parents, who will have to deal with none of it.)

Oh trust me, I know exactly why he’s being kept in the dark. He needs to be in the dark. He would hound my dad to the end of the earth if he knew.

And, my brother and I can take it. We’ve had 40 years to deal with his cr*p and we basically ignore his tantrums.

Some parents opt for a professional conservator, but those are more expensive than siblings who will do the work for free.

We won’t be conservators of my brother, just his assets. Thankfully. And, trust me, I won’t be doing it for free. Trustees can receive payment.

The trust is not large but not small, somewhere in between, I’m guessing each of us will receive a few million dollars, maybe less if my dad lives a long time and takes a lot of vacations. Which is why my dad doesn’t want my brother to get his hands on it. It isn’t a large enough trust to be under professional management, it would eat the principal in no time.

Giving you discretion about what to give him instead of just giving him a set income that you can’t change is going to put you on the spot to have him badgering you all the time, though. Of course, you trustees can decide to simply use his inheritance to buy an annuity that will give him a regular set income and be done with it. You can only protect someone from himself so much.

Mercifully, he currently lives on another continent. so, he can pester all he wants from a distance, my ignore button is ready.

 

[EasterJoy]

Oh trust me, I know exactly why he’s being kept in the dark. He needs to be in the dark. He would hound my dad to the end of the earth if he knew.

And, my brother and I can take it. We’ve had 40 years to deal with his cr*p and we basically ignore his tantrums.

We won’t be conservators of my brother, just his assets. Thankfully. And, trust me, I won’t be doing it for free. Trustees can receive payment.

The trust is not large but not small, somewhere in between, I’m guessing each of us will receive a few million dollars, maybe less if my dad lives a long time and takes a lot of vacations. Which is why my dad doesn’t want my brother to get his hands on it. It isn’t a large enough trust to be under professional management, it would eat the principal in no time.

Mercifully, he currently lives on another continent. so, he can pester all he wants from a distance, my ignore button is ready.

Oh, wow, that is a lot of money for an addict to be licking his chops over. As the unfortunate Johnny Manziel is now exhibiting, the more money, the bigger the mess an addict can get himself into. With no trust to look out for him, your brother would be getting plenty of rope to hang himself with.

You are a good daughter. Heaven bless you!

 

[1ke]

Oh, wow, that is a lot of money for an addict to be licking his chops over. As the unfortunate Johnny Manziel is now exhibiting, the more money, the bigger the mess an addict can get himself into. With no trust to look out for him, your brother would be getting plenty of rope to hang himself with.

You are a good daughter. Heaven bless you!

He’s NPD or BPD, not really sure. And his liver might give out before my dad dies anyway. Who knows.

 

[1ke]

You are a good daughter. Heaven bless you!

We two trustees both have finance degrees.

 

[Kay_Cee]

One thing I know is that you should never put one sibling in charge as executor of your will. My parents made my older sister executor (probably because she is a CPA).

The money was divided equally, but when it came to other belongings that were worth a bit of money, she and my brother took what they wanted. I was told what I was allowed to have.

She was supposed to sell my grandmother’s knickknacks and ceramics, but when she took them to a shop the woman there told her they were worthless, and, without consulting me, my sister just let her have them for free. In reality, they were worth a bundle (my mother had had them appriased).

She also, without even telling me she was going to do so, rented a U-Haul and took the rest of my parents’ belonging to the dump. Anything I wanted that had sentimental value went into a landfill. (And, BTW, she expected me to thank her for this because it was so much work.)

My parents had written into their will that if anyone complained about how their estate was being divided, that person was out of the will completely. So I wasn’t even allowed to say anything about the unfairness of it all.

Definitely do not put one of your children in charge of dividing up your estate. Choose someone who does not have a vested interest in who gets what.

 

[1ke]

Definitely do not put one of your children in charge of dividing up your estate. Choose someone who does not have a vested interest in who gets what.

I think that depends on the children.

Fortunately, my parents have specific things listed in their wills (don’t know what they are) that they want to go to certain people.

After that, we executors and trustees will have that discretion, but we don’t plan to unilaterally make decisions. We will be in consulting mode.

If we have people fighting over stuff, I’m putting names in a hat. Inheritance lottery, here we come.

And your sister sounds kind of gullible. An antiques dealer taking things off her hands for free… No, no. Everything gets appraisal and inventoried before any assets are disposed of.

 

[Xantippe]

We two trustees both have finance degrees.

Excellent!

 

[Xantippe]

I think that depends on the children.

Fortunately, my parents have specific things listed in their wills (don’t know what they are) that they want to go to certain people.

After that, we executors and trustees will have that discretion, but we don’t plan to unilaterally make decisions. We will be in consulting mode.

If we have people fighting over stuff, I’m putting names in a hat. Inheritance lottery, here we come.

**And your sister sounds kind of gullible. An antiques dealer taking things off her hands for free… ** No, no. Everything gets appraisal and inventoried before any assets are disposed of.

Yeah–and wow that antiques dealer was unethical…

It might have been that sis would have been fine with the money, but somebody else should have been in charge of “stuff”.

I like the inheritance lottery idea.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yeah–and wow that antiques dealer was unethical…

It might have been that sis would have been fine with the money, but somebody else should have been in charge of “stuff”.

I like the inheritance lottery idea.

My parents and their siblings did kind of an inheritance lottery to divide up the personal effects, and it seemed to have worked out rather well. They did have things appraised first, though.

 

[LundyLund]

I have a letter of instructions that accompanies my will. The letter tells my executor how I want certain personal items distributed.

Personally, I think it is advisable to have conversations with beneficiaries in advance, so they know exactly what to expect and what you want to happen. Better to set expectations than to have them dashed when you’re already gone. It also makes it more likely that your executor will be able to honor your wishes when you’re gone.

 

[Xantippe]

I have a letter of instructions that accompanies my will. The letter tells my executor how I want certain personal items distributed.

Personally, I think it is advisable to have conversations with beneficiaries in advance, so they know exactly what to expect and what you want to happen. Better to set expectations than to have them dashed when you’re already gone. It also makes it more likely that your executor will be able to honor your wishes when you’re gone.

Yes!

Dave Ramsey (the personal finance guy) does a yearly reading of his will for his family.

That would be a bit much for me, but it’s not a crazy thing to do where there’s a family business, significant assets, multiple heirs, etc.

 

[Kay_Cee]

I think that depends on the children.

Fortunately, my parents have specific things listed in their wills (don’t know what they are) that they want to go to certain people.

After that, we executors and trustees will have that discretion, but we don’t plan to unilaterally make decisions. We will be in consulting mode.

If we have people fighting over stuff, I’m putting names in a hat. Inheritance lottery, here we come.

And your sister sounds kind of gullible. An antiques dealer taking things off her hands for free… No, no. Everything gets appraisal and inventoried before any assets are disposed of.

It does depend on the children, but I’m sure my parents thought they could trust my sister.

And stipulating in the will that anyone who complained got cut out of the will was a horrible idea. It gave her carte blanche to do whatever she wanted. I had no recourse concerning any decisions that she made.

As for everything being appraised, the amounts from a previous appraisal were actually tacked on the bottoms of the pieces she gave away for free.