Insecure about looks in a relationship

[hellosunshine]

I have been with my first-ever boyfriend for a few months. Ever since we first told each other that we liked each other, I have felt insecure about my looks. I have always had really poor self esteem, but I thought being with a great guy would fix it.

However, he admitted to me (because I asked repeatedly and on many different occasions) that he wasn’t attracted to me when we first met. This turned my world upside down. He thought I was a 6 out of 10 in terms of looks! Now I know I should be content that he didn’t totally dismiss me as hideous, but the fact of the matter is that I don’t think I’m a 6. Many guys have told me they think I’m very attractive and have asked me out several times. So how do you think I feel when I find out my own boyfriend thought I was just okay and nothing special to look at? He says he thinks I’m prettier now, but I just feel like he got used to me (which hurts even more.) He claims that he didn’t get used to me, that he just thought I looked younger. But I feel that’s not true, since he got used to other girls and I haven’t changed that much (in a year) in terms of looks or age.

Actually, when we first met I did flirt with him a little because I thought he could be attracted to me. So now I even feel like I might have possibly “chased” him, since he sort of knew that I liked him for the past year. This makes me feel even worse. What if he just got used to me because he knew I was available and liked him and it was easy to get in a relationship like that? And every time I cry to him about how bad I feel that he didn’t think I was pretty, he just apologizes (which makes me feel terrible because I know it’s genuine and he’s not trying to hurt me.)

I have felt so insecure that I have tried to wear revealing clothes when I’m with him to catch his attention (and to catch other guys’ attention so that my boyfriend sees that I am attractive to other people.) He hates that, since he prefers modesty. But I don’t know what to do to make myself beautiful. I cry all the time and just want to feel better. I have considered dumping him various times for this reason alone. My thoughts were “well, if he doesn’t find me pretty it should be easy to find someone who does think I am.” But I know I don’t want to leave him because I love him and I know he loves me.

I’m going to see a therapist sometime this week to help me sort through this issue. I really don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what else to do.

So my question(s) is/are: has anyone ever felt like this before? Is it worth dumping him over, if everything else is great except my self esteem? Is this situation even fixable? How can I feel better and not so worthless?

 

[puzzleannie]

I have been with my first-ever boyfriend for a few months. Ever since we first told each other that we liked each other, I have felt insecure about my looks. I have always had really poor self esteem, but I thought being with a great guy would fix it.

However, he admitted to me (because I asked repeatedly and on many different occasions) that he wasn’t attracted to me when we first met. This turned my world upside down. ?

why did you ask him this repeatedly and put him on the spot like this?
why are you insecure about something as insignificant as your looks?
why did you think a guy could fix what you see as poor self esteem?

you are risking your happiness and mistaken assumptions and that is destructive.

I am not asking in an accusatory tone, but trying to point you in a direction that will be profitable if you ask yourself those questions and deal with the underlying issues.

 

[Rascalking]

why did you ask him this repeatedly and put him on the spot like this?
why are you insecure about something as insignificant as your looks?
why did you think a guy could fix what you see as poor self esteem?

you are risking your happiness and mistaken assumptions and that is destructive.

I am not asking in an accusatory tone, but trying to point you in a direction that will be profitable if you ask yourself those questions and deal with the underlying issues.

All men are attracted to beautiful women. Their wives and girlfriends should understand this. It’s just the way men are made. No, a man shouldn’t be a jerk about staring at other girls, but it’s nature.

Something you need to understand-there are questions that SHOULD NOT BE ASKED. Don’t bring them up in a releationship until much later.

Look for yourself for security. You admit your insecure-great. Now do something about it. Go out and earn a sense of self worth by doing things that provide it.

I assure you, your much prettier than you think. Many of the worlds most beautiful women think they are unattractive. Some very unattractive women think their gorgeous and are arrogant and snobby about it. I know nothing about women, it’s just an observation I’ve seen.

 

[purplesunshine]

I hate to say it, and perhaps you’re being too honest or too overanalizing with us but your thoughts are HORRIBLY distructive.

I’m not 10 out of 10…one of my sister in laws pretty much is, and one of her friends are. Drop dead gorgeous. My other brother commented (to egg on the other one), you got the hot one, but I got the beautiful one.

I will never be super-model tall, I will always have bizarre hair, and have resigned to the fact that zits are my fate if I don’t want to scrub off my skin.

But I know that the guy that I choose to be with likes ME.

I used to hang out alot with a group of older males as they were in the only Catholic Bible Study/Theology society around they were…40-60…and one or two older females. The guys liked to appreciate the beauty of all women. Not lustfully but just WOW she’s pretty. I was the only one who didn’t find that disgusting.

I think that it’s the same as art. I appreciate art and I LOVE seeing beautiful art. I like very much to see men who sign ASL to praise songs (or even at Mass) and ESPECALLY like men who sing in acapella groups. But I don’t want to date them. I just REALLY like it.

Don’t let your worth be wrapped up in your boyfriend.

Hellosunshine, to be honest, this tied with your other posts signifiges that a relationship is the WRONG place for you to be. Even if you somehow decide to get enganged, then married in a few years you will have issues that will cripple your family life, antagonize your husband and wound children. You need to deal with this in a serious way.

 

[Katie966]

I bet if you asked around that you would find many, many, many couples in this same boat. Rarely are two people 100% equally attracted to one another. However if God wants people to be together the Holy Spirit can open their eyes and their hearts!

This was the case with me- none of my boyfriends were initially as attractive to me as they eventually became. And, maybe it worked the opposite way too- I never asked. Most of us are just average looking. And that’s ok. Because, even though to most people I am just average, my boyfriend would rather be with me than anyone else. And I’m sure your boyfriend feels the same, so just accept that. And definitely stop going around wearing revealing things- you said yourself that he prefers modesty- if you want to be sure of his attraction to you, that’s not the way to do it.

If you’re relying on him for your self-esteem, what is going to happen if you do break up? You also don’t want him to be in a position where he feels like he should stay in a relationship with you because he is afraid of hurting your feelings. I agree with Monica, it’s as though you are punishing him for something that doesn’t deserve punishment. There is only so much of this that any self-respecting man will put up with.

You may want to consider that maybe you are just not in a position emotionally to be in a healthy relationship. Until you can see your own value to the relationship, it’s not going to work out. I think it is good that you are going to a therapist, and I’m sorry that you feel this insecure. Just don’t drag your boyfriend down with you.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Maybe I’m a romantic, but shouldn’t every man think that the woman that they are with is a 10? Telling your girlfriend she is a 6 seems a bit cold.

My DH told me when were first started dating I look like Olivia Hussey (I don’t) yet he wasn’t lying, kwim.

 

[LilyM]

Maybe I’m a romantic, but shouldn’t every man think that the woman that they are with is a 10? Telling your girlfriend she is a 6 seems a bit cold.

My DH told me when were first started dating I look like Olivia Hussey (I don’t) yet he wasn’t lying, kwim.

I don’t know. The guys I’ve dated have certainly complemented various aspects of my looks (hair, skin etc etc), but I don’t recall any of them comparing me to a celeb or anything.

And I’d get nervous if they did … after all, if he thinks I look like Julia Roberts/Angelina Jolie/name your favourite celeb now, that image will be shattered the first time he sees me with a really bad flu, or after a couple of sleepless nights when I’ve been working too hard or up with a baby. Not to mention as I get older - I certainly won’t have top Hollywood beauty specialists and plastic surgeons to keep me ever-youthful.

What happens then, if that resemblance is gone? Obviously if he sees fit to mention it it’s something that’s reasonably important to him, no?

I don’t know how long you have been married, and I don’t say any of this because I think other women should be insecure if their looks are complemented, but I would rather someone loved me for attributes that don’t change so easily - attributes of character rather than body.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Maybe I’m a romantic, but shouldn’t every man think that the woman that they are with is a 10? Telling your girlfriend she is a 6 seems a bit cold.

My DH told me when were first started dating I look like Olivia Hussey (I don’t) yet he wasn’t lying, kwim.

That seems unreasonable to me. Not every woman is blessed with beauty and even 9s are extremely few and far between. I really doubt that there is even one 10 in the world… after all everybody has flaws.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I know I am not a “10,” as far as looks go, and if some boyfriend or even my husband had told me I was, I would tell him he 1) needs his eyes checked and 2) needs to stop lying to me so as not to hurt my feelings!

If he said “Numbers are irrelevant,” I would think “he is copping out.” A 6 would be more than satisfactory.

But then again, I am not young and insecure.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

That seems unreasonable to me. Not every woman is blessed with beauty and even 9s are extremely few and far between. I really doubt that there is even one 10 in the world… after all everybody has flaws.

Sure, not everyone is Angelina Jolie…

But one’s beloved should be considered the most beautiful of all.

There is a scene in the Godfather 2 where the Vito’s friend shows him his girlfriend.

Vito’s friend: Isn’t my angel beautiful?

Vito: She’s beautiful for you, for me there is only my wife.

Maybe I’m unreasonable. But I’m Italian and we are a romantic bunch.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Sunshine,

I’m sorry you feel so insecure with things. While it’s clear you care for your boyfriend, I wonder how much joy you actually feel given all of your anxieties. Please don’t let those spoil your happiness. Being in love is supposed to be fun!

With that said, don’t presume looking a certain way is necessarily advantageous. I say this with no conceit, but actually some regret…My daughter, who is 15, is extremely attractive. Her appearance and stature turn heads most anywhere she goes. To her, this has become an enormous cross. She believes the only reason young men want to speak with her is because of the way she looks. Girls her age are often jealous and petty. Thus, she has few real friends.

It’s not always greener on the other side of the fence.

Sunshine, God’s blessings on you and your boyfriend

 

[LilyM]

I know I am not a “10,” as far as looks go, and if some boyfriend or even my husband had told me I was, I would tell him he 1) needs his eyes checked and 2) needs to stop lying to me so as not to hurt my feelings!

If he said “Numbers are irrelevant,” I would think “he is copping out.” A 6 would be more than satisfactory.

But then again, I am not young and insecure.

Neither am I - perhaps that’s part of it. Mind you, I wouldn’t even ask someone I’m dating what they think of me - they must find me to be ok-looking if they’re with me, right?

Mind you, no-one likes the Venus de Milo the less because she’s lost her arms, or the Sphinx because he’s lost his nose, do they?

 

[KostyaJMJ]

Sure, not everyone is Angelina Jolie…

But one’s beloved should be considered the most beautiful of all.

There is a scene in the Godfather 2 where the Vito’s friend shows him his girlfriend.

Vito’s friend: Isn’t my angel beautiful?

Vito: She’s beautiful for you, for me there is only my wife.

Maybe I’m unreasonable. But I’m Italian and we are a romantic bunch.

He probably told her something sweet and romantic the first 50 times she asked him. He probably foolishly gave her an answer to try and get her to stop asking.

And really a 6 is an attractive woman. It means that she is more attractive than your average woman. Nothing to complain about for sure.

 

[themeginthemoon]

Sunshine,
I have read your other posts, and it seems as if very much of your life is centered around your boyfriend. I know how hard you can fall for that first love, but it can turn into unhealthy fixation in a heartbeat.

To say ‘stop worrying’ or ‘don’t obsess’ to an anxious person is akin to telling an addict to just ‘leave the crack alone’. It is a very hard cycle to break, and I won’t minimize that at all for you.

I struggled a lot with this when I was a teenager, but as I got older and busier boys became less and less important. Good relationships happen when you are very comfortable and satisfied with yourself and your place in life. I am sure he was initially attracted to you, and the more you get to know someone the more attractive they become (if they have a good personality, anyway!). That is a positive thing to be told by someone, don’t turn it into a negative.

As much as possible, I would say stop asking all of these questions. You are going to badger him and he will run in the opposite direction. He will start to feel that you are fishing for compliments, or are just really needy.

Be satisfied with his answers, and stop over analyzing it if you can. Keep busy, it’s the best cure for anxiety. Volunteer, read, focus on schoolwork, and make your relationship a time to relax and enjoy yourself, not something to obsess over.

I know what you are going through, because I have been there! It is hard to be consumed with worry and anxiety over something as special as a first relationship. Focus on the joys, you have gotten a lot of good advice here. Take a deep breath and a bubble bath, and try to pray to help yourself relax!
Much Love and God bless,
M

 

[hellosunshine]

Dear Hellosunshine,

I am sorry you kept asking your boyfriend this question about his first attraction to you and are now still upset about how he used to feel about you. Remember dear one that there are people who “used to be” pro-choice but have had a change of heart. Jesus Christ welcomes us to change!

I was just like your boyfriend. There was a time when I did not have the same attraction for my husband that he had for me, I don’t know why either I just didn’t…however the Holy Spirit entered the relationship and what do you know I fell madly in love! Now I look back and I feel silly that I didn’t see in him then what I see in him now still so many years into our marriage!

Your boyfriend cares deeply about you now, what a blessing!

It is not fair and it is not a Christian thing to do to punish someone for something like this. I think you know this already though. Whey you cry to your boyfriend about his past feelings for you, you are making him feel bad and are punishing him. His actions towards you were not sinful, he was just lukewarm about his initial attraction to you.

I bet if you asked around that you would find many, many, many couples in this same boat. Rarely are two people 100% equally attracted to one another. However if God wants people to be together the Holy Spirit can open their eyes and their hearts!

You can feel better about this situation by offering it up. The next time you feel insecure don’t turn to your boyfriend, turn to Christ. Tell Jesus that you feel insecure and that you want to turn this over to him in prayer and to ask for his help. Do not bring this up to your boyfriend again, ever. In fact you might want to apologize to him and promise him you won’t bring this up as a gift of love to him. This will be hard, really hard. Jesus knows how hard this will be for you and he loves you so much and will help you.

Your self esteem needs to come from Jesus Christ, every other source will be disappointing and unfulfilling.

I wish you peace, please take care.

So what you are saying is that he got used to me? That hurts more than anything. And yes, I don’t want to punish him. He constantly apologizes, which hurts even worse because all I want is to change the past. I know he’s being honest, but it hurts so so so much. But at the same time, I’ve been told by many guys that I’m pretty. But my boyfriend didn’t think so. And that hurts.
I went to a therapist and was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I have never felt as awful as I have in this relationship. I feel like just breaking up with him and going with another guy who appreciates my looks. I don’t know what to do. I can barely function.

 

[hellosunshine]

And all you ladies who have said that you weren’t initially attracted to your husbands/boyfriends, you don’t have anything to worry about because you were the ones getting used to someone (not the other way around.) I ask you this: if your man had to get “used to” your looks, wouldn’t you be offended?

I don’t know what to do. I feel self-destructive and pain. It was a whole year that I tried so hard to look beautiful for him and he never even noticed me. Then when he thought I liked him, he suddenly grew attracted to me. This hurts more than I can say. I get constant anxiety attacks and have had them for as long as we’ve been dating. What can I do?

 

[kib]

Sunshine, maybe it would be best for you to take a dating fast to work on your OCD issues? Love is a wonderful thing but it isn’t always enough to overcome great obstacles. Trust in God’s will and do your best to follow it. For you to be happy with any man you must be mentally healthy. God bless you.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

And all you ladies who have said that you weren’t initially attracted to your husbands/boyfriends, you don’t have anything to worry about because you were the ones getting used to someone (not the other way around.) I ask you this: if your man had to get “used to” your looks, wouldn’t you be offended?

I don’t know what to do. I feel self-destructive and pain. It was a whole year that I tried so hard to look beautiful for him and he never even noticed me. Then when he thought I liked him, he suddenly grew attracted to me. This hurts more than I can say. I get constant anxiety attacks and have had them for as long as we’ve been dating. What can I do?

What can you do? You can recognize that YOUR MIND is your worst guide to what is sensible! You have been diagnosed with OCD. These tortured thoughts/worries/anxieties are part of that problem. You need to get some techniques to get more control of your thoughts. Meditation can help. Guided imagery can help. You need a therapist to give you some help on this. Just getting rid of your boyfriend is not the answer - it’s your own mind that is going to create this sort of anxiety in any situation you find yourself in.

Why are you assuming that your boyfriend simply “got used” to your looks and then was attracted? Men are kinda simple, and not too subtle. So he wasn’t necessarily looking at you as a girlfriend. So what? He does now, right? LET IT GO!!! And I know it’s not that easy which is why I told you that you need some assistance to help you get control of your thoughts. You can stop the endless rumination that leads to the anxiety. You have to be able to detach from your thoughts and just be aware of the direction your mind is taking you in, and then have tools to reach for that will help. Some people imagine a giant red STOP sign when they hear their thoughts going down the wrong path. Then they purposely think of something pleasant and calming.

Believe me, it’s not your boyfriend that’s the problem here. It’s an inside job.

 

[faithfully]

I have not read all the posts…

A few things that come to mind.

If you allow another person to determine whether or not you can be secure with yourself, you hand them A LOT of power.

What is a 6? Is your 6 my 6? These are completely subjective numbers.

I personally find that a persons level of attractiveness is impacted HIGHLY by their personality.

Look at actors. Aren’t there plenty that you might not even give the time of day if you ran into them on the street? But their personality makes them cute, sexy… what not?

One of my favorite examples… Seth Green. COME ON!!! The guy it maybe 5"2"… He’s a doll (at least the way he presents himself, I don’t actually know him!)

Tom Cruise… isn’t he a hotty??? and then he acts like such a jerk all the time, I get sick just looking at him. (Ok… he might be way to old for you to think he was a hotty…lol!)

Have you ever seen the movie shallow hal? You should watch it. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder!

 

[hellosunshine]

I have not read all the posts…

A few things that come to mind.

If you allow another person to determine whether or not you can be secure with yourself, you hand them A LOT of power.

What is a 6? Is your 6 my 6? These are completely subjective numbers.

I personally find that a persons level of attractiveness is impacted HIGHLY by their personality.

Look at actors. Aren’t there plenty that you might not even give the time of day if you ran into them on the street? But their personality makes them cute, sexy… what not?

One of my favorite examples… Seth Green. COME ON!!! The guy it maybe 5"2"… He’s a doll (at least the way he presents himself, I don’t actually know him!)

Tom Cruise… isn’t he a hotty??? and then he acts like such a jerk all the time, I get sick just looking at him. (Ok… he might be way to old for you to think he was a hotty…lol!)

Have you ever seen the movie shallow hal? You should watch it. Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder!

Thank you for this, but that’s what I’m afraid of. I sincerely hope he didn’t just get used to me because of my personality. That would be horrible. And I am not really unattractive. So it hurts that he didn’t initially find me to be attractive.