Insomnia and marriage issues

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mamamayi

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My husband has been a chronic insomniac since I married him/met him. His family has it also and it is a genetic issue most likely. He has seen drs and has tried assorted meds but it doesn’t work. He has tried natural remedies also. On average he will fall asleep at 3am or later.

anyway–one of the ways insomnia effects our marriage is that he is up all night and says he is lonely. I am sorry but after 9pm I fall asleep and have since i was a baby. I am naturally a morning person waking up at 5am naturally all my life.

I can force myself to stay up to 12 but its hard. And if I am especially tired I can’t.

So, over the years, since he says he is lonely all night he has gone into online chat rooms. He says he chats to other insomniacs and feels liek he can relate to them and they understand each other. Initially I didn’t think it a big deal but over time I think it is wrong to do so. Many of these ppl on these sites are lonely women. I have asked him repeatedly to stop chatting with these women. But, he still does it. At some point I demanded he stop or else…but honestly I don’t want a divorce. So he just started hiding it to avoid confrontations with me. He always says he is chatting about religion or politics. Initially, I believed him but I grew suspicious and did some checking up on him. I would say half the time the topics are not becoming of a married man.

So…recently I did some checking up on him on these chat sites and found he is presenting himself as a single man to some people. (not all but to a few, yes) As well, in one conversation, he was talking to one particular woman who was going through a hard time. He offered to send her some money to help her out. While it may be a generous offer, I do not think he has any business in sending any woman any money in any way.especially being we are in hard financial strains ourselves and have children etc.

I have asked him to stop numerous times and he doesn’t and just says he is lonely and stressed at night and has no one talk to.

If I confront him about the money he will probably wonder how I got the info. If I tell him I figured out to modify the settings on his chat sites he will alter them most likely so I can’t see and frankly I want to see what he is saying to these women at night. I no longer trust him.

The thing that is most depressing to me is that this will be a life long issue with us. He has always struggled with insomnia and always will. He will always be up in he middle night. I feel bad for falling asleep but I can’t help that I am normal and after a day with the kids I fall asleep like any normal person would.

When marriages break apart on this site I always see others saying that the wife is somehow to blame. I can assure you that I am a good wife and do meet all his needs. Even he would tell you that he has a wonderful wife and couldn’t ask for more. It is not my fault that I fall asleep at normal times. It is not necessarily his fault that he was born with insomnia. Like I said all his family members have the same issue. No sleep clinics have been able to help him. He has had multiple sleep studies done at different hospitals. But, some people really are born with a delayed phase syndrome in which they naturally fall asleep later.

I have already demanded he stop chatting and he hasn’t done so. I refuse divorce so don’t even suggest that as a solution.

any advice on how to handle this? What should I do about the money info? Confront him or just hope he doesn’t really send it ?
 
If I can’t sleep at 5 am, I consider that insomnia. 😉 You’re up by 5 am and falling asleep around 9 pm. Can you try a bedtime later than 9 pm but earlier than 12 am? Maybe then you won’t awaken at 5 am. Or vice-versa: stay in bed later in the morning so you can stay up a little later at night. People have different body clocks, but it sounds like you and your husband have extremely different body clocks if he’s up until 3 am and you get up just two hours after the time he goes to bed!

If it’s really just “loneliness” that drove him to seeking other people to talk to at night, I’d suggest you try forcing yourself to stay in bed a little longer in the morning so you can stay up an hour or so later at night to spend more time with your husband in the evening. I’m not blaming you for the problem but I suggest you try something that you can do that might help your marriage. It’s usually easier to change ourselves than to change other people.

Does he have a work schedule that accommodates his sleeping later, or is he getting by on just a few hours of sleep? Has he always had odd sleep hours? Did he develop them by staying up on the computer late at night after most other people went to bed? Has he ever worked at night, like a night shift? Has he tried any sleep clinics? Is there some other underlying disease going on that leaves him unable to sleep at night?

Somehow I sense that he’s not the first person with a sleeping problem to fall into that type of situation and cause problems in his marriage. We’re not suppose to give medical advice here, but I think what you really need is some good medical advice to address his sleep issues. Maybe the sleep clinics he’s tried may have some suggestions for you. But your husband may need to see you make an effort to change your sleep habits so you can be available to him in the evening before he’s willing to make changes.
 
My heart goes out to you…first…I don’t believe that adjusting YOUR sleep schedule to actually spend SOME time w/ your husband is the answer/key…o.k., so maybe a little adjustment, but…I can totally appreciate yr situation…my wife suffers from insomnia…she’s not on the internet but we rarely go to bed togeher at night…we have a great marriage in all respects so we are together at night…but we have talked about it…just to be w/ me when I drift off to sleep…perhaps your husband might consider coming to bed w/ you in the evening, spend some time w/ you…after you drift off to sleep if he wants to get up and read or something else then good…but the internet…bad news…there is that thing called ‘emotional infedility’ when we let someone of the opposite gender ‘in’ we are in affect being unfaithful,…and giving money away to a woman he met on the internet is bad news…if he feels compelled to do something noble…he might consider ‘Catholic Charities’ or put the money in the collection basket at Mass…I of course don’t know your husband…and this is just my feeling…but, imagine what is happening that you have no idea of…if you are aware of certain things that raise a flag…just imagine…not judging him…just, I believe that he is flirting w/ fire…I don’t believe in divorce either…but perhaps some counseling if he won’t talk to you about this…but…internet at night, chat rooms…? good luck and I will pray for your marriage…PAX
 
It also occurs to me that some careers involve working night shifts, like hospital and nursing home staff, security guards, etc. And other career fields don’t care what time the work is done as long as it’s done by the deadline. Maybe you could suggest a career change or second job so he would have something useful and productive to do with his time. There’s an old saying that idle hands are the Devil’s playthings.
 
I don’t care if you go to bed a 7 pm, he has NO RIGHT chatting with other women, period! And offering to send them money?? :eek:

I would put my foot down, hard. I would confront him about the money and would demand that he stop his behaviour immeditely. It seems to me that your husband knows you will not consider divorce so he isn’t worried about losing you. Basically, he is getting his cake and eating it too. I will say a prayer for your marriage.
 
dailey said:
I don’t care if you go to bed a 7 pm, he has NO RIGHT chatting with other women, period! And offering to send them money?? :eek:

I would put my foot down, hard. I would confront him about the money and would demand that he stop his behaviour immeditely. It seems to me that your husband knows you will not consider divorce so he isn’t worried about losing you. Basically, he is getting his cake and eating it too. I will say a prayer for your marriage.
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I agree with this answer.
 
dailey said:
I don’t care if you go to bed a 7 pm, he has NO RIGHT chatting with other women, period! And offering to send them money?? :eek:

I would put my foot down, hard. I would confront him about the money and would demand that he stop his behaviour immeditely. It seems to me that your husband knows you will not consider divorce so he isn’t worried about losing you. Basically, he is getting his cake and eating it too. I will say a prayer for your marriage.
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👍

OP
Your husband needs to see a doctor about his insomnia. He needs to get treatment. Genetic or not, there are treatments.
 
I am sorry for your situation–this is terrible.

At first when I was reading your post, I thought, wow, that’s like me! I too have always been an extreme night owl.

However, I am not doing this virtual running around thing that he is doing. I would suggest that the problem your husband has is not that he has insomnia, but that he has fallen into temptation and uses the insomnia as an excuse. He could be doing the same thing if he had a long subway commute, too, right?

I would suggest that you discuss this with a good priest or other wise person whom you trust, and figure out a plan for getting him into counseling for his problem, or else into marital counseling.

As an aside, I would also suggest Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as it seems to focus on the patient’s problem and giving tactics for coping, and it is usually a more limited treatment. This is totally my own personal opinion!
 
I agree with the posters who said it wouldn’t matter if you go to bed at 7, it is not your issue, but HIS. He needs to stop lying i.e. saying he is single online, and flirting with temptation - because it is definitely there with lonely woman up late at night - and offering to send money to a woman. I would talk to him and lay it all out there. It has to get addressed now, or it will only get worse. If he can’t sleep, there are much better uses of his time that aren’t harmful to your marriage.
 
Just because someone doesn’t go to sleep until 3am doesn’t mean they have insomnia. I have always been a night person and used to have a horrible time getting up early in the morning when I was a child/teen. My normal time to go to sleep is 1-2am. I consider it insomnia only if I am unable to go to sleep at my normal time of 1-2am.
That being said, I don’t think you should alter your sleep time because then you may have sleep problems or not get enough sleep.
Your husband should not be on chat lines with other women, period. It’s not right for him to blame you, either, for being lonely. Time for him to grow up. How did he manage to fill his time before he started using the chat rooms?
 
Does your husband acknowledge at all that he has an Internet addiction?

BTW there are FDA-approved medications available for chronic insomnia, which should be reinforced with cognitive-behavioral therapy, as another poster has already suggested, so that your husband can improve his sleep practices.

Your husband has a severe problem which has branched into several problems, which affects the both of you, and he wants you to accept all his terms for dealing with them.
I think you have a right and responsibility to demand that the two of you see a competent marriage therapist together.
 
Years ago I was on nights and would stick with the nighttime schedule on my days off. I spent a lot of time in a variety of chat rooms. They’re not conducive to a healthy marriage. I never considered them as anything other than a diversion for those long nights when there wasn’t much else I could do without waking the family. Many of the people in the chat room viewed things differently. After a lengthy stalking issue and having to change my email address thanks to unsolicited, inappropriate messages and pictures, I gave up the chat rooms (even the game rooms with chat features). I think the OP needs to put her foot down over this.
 
first off I have put my foot down numerous times. But what can you threaten? divorce? I have actually intially threatend divorce but i thought about it and prayed about it and realized i do not under any circumstances want a divorce. We have children inovlved and divorce severely effects children no matter what ppl say. i do not want my children damaged. Plus, 2 of them have mental disabilities and frankly in short terms they need their father, not a divorced father who only sees them sometimes. so divorce will not happen. So please explain a way in which I can put my foot down without divorce? I have had multiple arguements but he still does this. He has just gotten better at hiding it since he knows I say no.

I can not take away computer since his job requires him a computer, internet connection at home. Someone asked is his hours conducive to his work–yes.

what did he do before computers? he used to clean and read and listen to music etc…but over the years he has multiple health concerns and issues and doing much work at night physically is not really doable. He reads somewhat still–but he says he prefers to read books downloaded onto the computer, prefers to listen to music on the computer etc and while he is doing those things gets on chat.
 
I don’t think there is anything you can do outside of actually leaving him. Not only will he become better at deception and turning things on you but he’ll become more psychologically dependent on the chat rooms and whatever he’s doing with the computer.

I myself am a recovering porn addict and I have to admit that my recovery is fairly uneven. I mean, the out-and-out porn is gone, as is the masturbation, but I’ve still looked at some things and lingered on thoughts that would raise an eyebrow or two from a God-fearing person. And that’s with a lot of prayer, CAF’s support group and in-person S-meetings.

To be honest, your husband is showing signs of both depression and addiction. They feed off one another. I know, I’ve been there and I’ll continue to do battle with it probably forever.

I know that’s a weight on you but you’ve got to understand what you’re dealing with. If there are no actual consequences to his actions, why would he stop?
 
well…i was just looking for other ideas besides divorce. I guess everyone’s immediate consequence is divorce? No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

To those that said he doesn’t have insomnia–no he does. It has been dx by multiple drs. as I said, he has had several sleep studies done in sleep clinics. He definately has had ongoing issues. He is on meds and that is why he falls asleep at 3…otherwise he would be up all night long.

regardless…we did have the discussion. I brought it up about chatting with women who were obviously not good intentions. He agreed that certain people he shouldn’t have talked with. Ironically, he brought the money issue up so I didn’t have to confront. He said that one woman keeps asking him for money because she is poor. He said he feels very uncomfortable about it and wanted to get out of the situation but felt awkward but had no intention of ever sending her money. I believe his response. He seemed very unnerved about the whole situation and didn’t know how to get out of it.

So he agreed to stop chatting. hopefully this time it will really stop. The past few nights he hasn’t been on the computer at night so we will see. Maybe those who prayed helped 🙂
 
maryjk said:
👍

OP
Your husband needs to see a doctor about his insomnia. He needs to get treatment. Genetic or not, there are treatments.
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Not really… I have a friend with insomnia she is psychological a wreck. Nothing can help her and sleeping pills are nasty stuff.

Back on topic!

Well it’s a hard one this one, first of all he is chatting up woman and probably enjoying that. You said your a good wife and meet all his needs. I think this is being ignorant to his searching other woman. I know your angry at that but what he probably want is something more exciting. He might be afraid to ask you because kinky play or exciting stuff and being catholic do not go hand in hand.

At least this is one of the things I deem possible that he just wants some excitement which you might not give him. I apologize if you do but of course your not going to share your sexual life on this forum, you might even be acused of being a troll or a heretic…

Bet let’s say it’s not that, well I don’t know what he searches in these other woman then? I think it really has to be some excitement, one can only feel lonely not only by staying up by the night but also by not getting his needs.

these are my two cents however you can reply and say it isn’t so but please look critically at yourself before giving me a reply.

After that I will post another post but my two cents are that this is how it might be!
 
to the above commenter

your summation is absolutely false and offensive. You can chose to not believe me but I do meet ALL his needs in every possible way. that is why I added that in the original post I do meet his needs because stupid people chose to blame the spouse in such incidents. This is a backwards idea. People can assume all they want but he is a very satisfied man.

regardless…i replied earlier in an update that he says he is going to stop and not contact women anymore
 
I am glad to hear that you seem to have been able to get through to him about why this is such damaging behavior and that he has agreed to stop. Should the problem arise again I would
  1. If you husband is religious man, have him come with you to discuss the issue with a trusted priest. Even though the priest will not have medical expertise, he can help your husband understand why the behavior is so negative and offer spiritual assistance if it has become an addition at that point.
  2. How quiet do you need it to sleep? If you can sleep with a low amount of noise/ light, then I would also suggest moving the computer or TV into your bedroom and having your husband join you, provided he is quiet and watches TV or uses the computer on very low. Even though you wouldn’t be watching him, having you present may help your husband have more control over what he is doing.
  3. Get some of that blocking software that lets you customize the list. Add the sites where you find your husband chatting to the ‘blocked’ list. Let him know you are doing it, for the good of the family, but do not let him know how to ‘undo’ it. If it is an addiction, he may just look for more sites, but keep doing it while following the other steps, especially step 1.
  4. I know you said that he needs the computer for work, however, if the situation gets really bad, unplug the router when you go to bed (try to go to bed closer to 1030 to maximize his work time) and sleep with the cable under your pillow. You can plug it back in when you get up in the morning. This, by the way, would be my ‘ultimatum’’.
I hope that is somewhat helpful and that it is not needed ever again!
 
first, I don’t think you should take offense to those comments. english is clearly this person’s second language and that’s why it came across so bluntly. you didn’t mention - nor is it our business if you choose not to - if you have actually discussed your sex life with your husband, or if it’s just your *perception *that he’s totally happy because he’s never specifically said otherwise. I would certainly hope if a random person asked him if you were a good wife, he would say “yes, she’s wonderful in every way” and not say something like “yes, she’s wonderful in every way, except the sex, which could be better,” if that were the case. if you haven’t actually sat down with him and said “is our sex life ok for you?” you can’t know that he’s totally ok with it… but it’s a moot point since maybe he wouldn’t fess up to something being wrong, anyway.

whatever the case, my point is that the previous poster wasn’t trying to call you a liar, but trying to raise the possibility that things might not be as you think they are. we do not know you or your husband or how much you two have discussed and how honest and open the discussion was to know if this is the case or not, and uncommunicated or miscommunicated things can happen all the time in all situations. take it for what it was - an attempt by a stranger to make sure no rock goes unturned in giving you options to help solve your problem. 👍

moving on:

him saying he will never again chat with strange women may be completely well-intentioned and 100% honest (at least at the time he said it), but it remains a temptation that is very easy to indulge in late at night when no one’s around, and you said he’s been doing this for years, making it a hard habit to break. I also see a few giant red flags: it’s one thing if his original intention was just for company and it slowly turned into flirting, but it’s something else altogether that he intentionally chose to make his status single. he has repeatedly lied about his conversations being harmless. he has repeatedly hidden the fact that he was still acting in a way that upset you. you said this has been going on for years - so what other sites has he been on that you don’t know about? what other conversations has he had that haven’t been saved or have been deleted? this is extremely disrespectful and is something you cannot ignore. and if he is using the internet for working at 2am, why is he in chat rooms? either he’s working or he’s not, and if he’s not, he doesn’t need the internet.

my suggestion, since you haven’t mentioned anything about what your faith life is like, is to get more involved with your church. preferably with him, but either way if possible. try to attend more functions or join more groups if time allows. start praying more - for him and with him. encourage him to go to confession to start with a clean slate. ask him to pray a decade (at least to start) of the rosary with you before you go to bed. (even better is to pray as a family before putting your kids to bed.) read a book together (not necessarily religious) - you can read for a little while before you fall asleep, and he can read at midnight. think of questions you want to discuss. (if you make it enough like homework, maybe it’ll help him fall asleep faster… 😃 j/k)

also, 👍 to the above post.

hope this helps a little 🙂
 
This may have already been suggested by medical professionals and it may also sound too simplistic … but one thing I was wondering is about diet and exercise. Many times people who are sedentary much of the time who also eat snack type foods and sodas … it’s harder for them to have expended enough energy during the day (and the processed foods create brain fog, depression and lethargy) to feel sleep and be able to go to sleep. Is your H drinking a lot of sugary/caffeinated drinks?

The insomnia may be physiological as I think you stated. But our physiology is affected by our thoughts, emotions and what we eat and drink and our activity level. Feelings of loneliness sound like depression. Even boredom. Also there’s an aspect related to possible unresolved spiritual issues. Sometimes guilt for something can keep people from being able to sleep.

If your H is not regularly receiving the Sacraments, this may be another avenue to examine.

Nothing makes me sleep better than a recent visit to the Confessional! 😉
 
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