intamacy with children in the house?

[Joan_M]

I’m going to be completely honest here… If I was your sister, I’d never let my kids sleep at your house again. The thought of someone making love in the next room from where my precious cargo is sleeping makes me sick to my stomach.

This is really over the top! It is a married couple in their own home. How on earth could their making love in the privacy of their bedroom be anything to cause you the slightest worry, never mind sick to your stomach! They are not going to do anything to your children. You need a sense of proportion.

 

[mariam1976]

I can’t remember what percentage it is but isn’t it a fairly high percentage of kids that are abused by family members? I’m sure your husband isn’t that type of guy, but your sister can’t be completely 100% sure about that. Don’t you think that’s why your sister got freaked out?

i am not even sure how this relates to this topic!!!

if her sister is not sure that he is not a pedophile or not but is still sending her kids over to this house, then she needs to have her head checked???

i think her sister is 150% sure that her husband is nothing of the sort which is the reason why the kids are there in the first place every week… i would say that if she is not 150% sure that he is not that sort, then she is a very bad parent to begin with and has no right to ask such a question!!!

 

[CuriousInIL]

This is really over the top! It is a married couple in their own home. How on earth could their making love in the privacy of their bedroom be anything to cause you the slightest worry, never mind sick to your stomach! They are not going to do anything to your children. You need a sense of proportion.

While I generally agree with this comment, for me the one point that bothered me about the original poster was that they did not lock the door. Moreover, after several folks pointed out the door should be locked, she only went so far as to say that was “probably” a good idea. To me, locking the door is required and just common sense if anyone else is in the house. In any case, together, those two facts make me think that the OP and her DH are at least a bit less private than I would hope for out of a couple watching my children.

Also, for those folks that seem to be on the path of you can’t let this affect your marital relations, I think it is fairly common that couples do lots of things, like having visitors over, that for many couples do affect whether they have relations that day. I personally see nothing wrong with that. It’s not like they were forced to accept these girls. If they know that the parents are not comfortable with them doing this, they should be upfront about it and not have the girls over. By this I mean, for example, it is a couple’s “right” to watch an R rated movie in their own house if they want. But, if they are watching someone else’s children that night, I think the parents of the visitors are fine if they say that they don’t want their children exposed to that. Then, one of a few things can happen. The couple watching can agree and not watch the movie, or they can disagree and then the ball is back in the parents’ court–find another place for the kids to stay, or accept the less than desirable accommodations if necessary.

OK, I’m done spewing words.

 

[Katie1723]

That was so out of line to intimate something like that. Would you like it if the tables were turned on you?

If you were my sister, you’d be apologizing right about now.

Kathy

 

[Zelie_Louis]

This is a general reminder for those participating in the discussion to practice charity when posting.

 

[luvmykids]

While I generally agree with this comment, for me the one point that bothered me about the original poster was that they did not lock the door. Moreover, after several folks pointed out the door should be locked, she only went so far as to say that was “probably” a good idea. To me, locking the door is required and just common sense if anyone else is in the house. In any case, together, those two facts make me think that the OP and her DH are at least a bit less private than I would hope for out of a couple watching my children.

Also, for those folks that seem to be on the path of you can’t let this affect your marital relations, I think it is fairly common that couples do lots of things, like having visitors over, that for many couples do affect whether they have relations that day. I personally see nothing wrong with that. It’s not like they were forced to accept these girls. If they know that the parents are not comfortable with them doing this, they should be upfront about it and not have the girls over. By this I mean, for example, it is a couple’s “right” to watch an R rated movie in their own house if they want. But, if they are watching someone else’s children that night, I think the parents of the visitors are fine if they say that they don’t want their children exposed to that. Then, one of a few things can happen. The couple watching can agree and not watch the movie, or they can disagree and then the ball is back in the parents’ court–find another place for the kids to stay, or accept the less than desirable accommodations if necessary.

OK, I’m done spewing words.

I cannot believe some of the responses to this thread. Watching an R rated movie in front of children is something completely different then waiting until they go to bed, or having marital relations in the privacy of your own bedroom. If they were having relations in front of the children that’s a different story. They are 2 married adults, and if these kids are over on a regular basis it could be quite a disruption to their married life for them to NOT be able to be together when they are there. If anything they should lock the door from now on.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I have been following this thread and have a few thoughts…

I agree with CuriousInIL who posted:

“Does anyone feel differently if the sister indicated that she and DH felt very strongly that they did NOT want this to occur and indicated that if it was going to continue that they would prefer knowing and having the girls no longer stay overnight. That’s overboard IMO; but don’t the parents have the right to be that overboard?”

**I DO think parents have a right to go that overboard.

If I wasn’t comfortable with my daughter spending the night at my sister’s house if she would be having sex with her husband, then I should be able to trust my sister enough to let her know. And I should be able to trust my sister enough to respect my wishes (no matter how overboard). I can’t believe the number of responses that basically say “lock the door and do it anyways even if it bothers your sister”.

Her sister has the right to say “if you are going to do that then I’m not going to allow my girls to spend the night anymore.” Just as the OP has the right to say “we are going to do it when your girls are here”. But why suggest lying or not telling? Where is the honesty?

Malia
**

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Her sister has the right to say “if you are going to do that then I’m not going to allow my girls to spend the night anymore.” Just as the OP has the right to say “we are going to do it when your girls are here”. But why suggest lying or not telling? Where is the honesty?

These are not just occasoinal visitors, but regular fixtures in thier home. The OP and her husband are doing her sister a favor (a rather large one), and if her sister also expected to rule out at least 1/7th (~15%) of their possible times for marital intimacy (which as practicing Catholics may also already be severely limited by NFP rules if trying to avoid) as part of their favor to her, that restriction should have been made very clear up front. Her sister did not, thus it is her sister’s problem to figure out how to deal with this without inquiring as to what the OP and her husband do when their bedroom door is locked so long as the OP and her husband agree to make sure their nieces can’t walk in if they do. The fact is, the sister does not have a right to know “when” or “when not”, and the OP has no obligation beyond being discreet enough that their nieces don’t know.

 

[martino]

The solution is simple. Don’t tell your sister when you do or dont have sex. I dont think its her business anyway. There is no reason for her to know. It should have never come up in the first place.

 

[MysticalMan]

The solution is simple. Don’t tell your sister when you do or dont have sex. I dont think its her business anyway. There is no reason for her to know. It should have never come up in the first place.

I second that martino! That is too weird. How does that slip out anyway?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

These are not just occasoinal visitors, but regular fixtures in thier home. The OP and her husband are doing her sister a favor (a rather large one), and if her sister also expected to rule out at least 1/7th (~15%) of their possible times for marital intimacy (which as practicing Catholics may also already be severely limited by NFP rules if trying to avoid) as part of their favor to her, that restriction should have been made very clear up front. Her sister did not, thus it is her sister’s problem to figure out how to deal with this without inquiring as to what the OP and her husband do when their bedroom door is locked so long as the OP and her husband agree to make sure their nieces can’t walk in if they do. The fact is, the sister does not have a right to know “when” or “when not”, and the OP has no obligation beyond being discreet enough that their nieces don’t know.

But the point is that it has already been discussed. Her sister has the right to set limits and boundaries for her children (no matter how outrageous they may seem). It is well within her rights as a parent to not want her daughters in a home where sex (married and loving or not) is happening.

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**I personally don’t see the problem, as long as the door is locked and the children’s needs are being met. BUT I am not their mother. **

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I am Catholic and my family is not. I would be very upset if my family were to engage in any activity when babysitting my daughter that I deemed inappropriate. But they would most likely NOT see anything inappropriate so may take on the “let’s just not tell her” attitude that is so prevalent in this thread.

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It is a very slippery slope. If we want our “rights” respected even when others think they are silly or just don’t see the big deal how can we advocate squashing the rights of another? This really doesn’t make sense to me.

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As for you saying that the sister should have been upfront and clear about this issue in the very beginning, she most likely assumed that sex would not happen while her daughters were there. Once she found out it did, she has the right to react and make her wishes known. Just because it wasn’t stated upfront and she is being done a huge favor doesn’t negate her rights.

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** One might assume that the people watching their children for the weekend would never leave them alone for hours at a time. But if it was discovered that this was happening it needs to be discussed. **

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**And the sister does not need to know private info in order to make her choice. Al the OP has to say is “I don’t make a habit out of discussing my intimate life with my husband and will not be doing it again but just want to let you know that we will sometimes be having sex while your daughters are here. It is up to you if you still want them to visit”. She doesn’t have to say, “oh, this weekend isn’t a good time, we’ll be doing it” **

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Malia

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[dulcissima]

The sister didn’t say that she didn’t want the children to stay at the house if they are being intimate. She said she wasn’t comfortable with the thought of them being intimate with the children there. So, if she is still sending her children there weekly, the OP is really just obligated to never mention to her sister that she was intimate with her husband while the children were visitng. Then her sister won’t have to think about it.

 

[MysticalMan]

But the point is that it has already been discussed. Her sister has the right to set limits and boundaries for her children (no matter how outrageous they may seem). It is well within her rights as a parent to not want her daughters in a home where sex (married and loving or not) is happening.

---

**I personally don’t see the problem, as long as the door is locked and the children’s needs are being met. BUT I am not their mother. **

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I am Catholic and my family is not. I would be very upset if my family were to engage in any activity when babysitting my daughter that I deemed inappropriate. But they would most likely NOT see anything inappropriate so may take on the “let’s just not tell her” attitude that is so prevalent in this thread.

---

It is a very slippery slope. If we want our “rights” respected even when others think they are silly or just don’t see the big deal how can we advocate squashing the rights of another? This really doesn’t make sense to me.

---

As for you saying that the sister should have been upfront and clear about this issue in the very beginning, she most likely assumed that sex would not happen while her daughters were there. Once she found out it did, she has the right to react and make her wishes known. Just because it wasn’t stated upfront and she is being done a huge favor doesn’t negate her rights.

---

** One might assume that the people watching their children for the weekend would never leave them alone for hours at a time. But if it was discovered that this was happening it needs to be discussed. **

---

**And the sister does not need to know private info in order to make her choice. Al the OP has to say is “I don’t make a habit out of discussing my intimate life with my husband and will not be doing it again but just want to let you know that we will sometimes be having sex while your daughters are here. It is up to you if you still want them to visit”. She doesn’t have to say, “oh, this weekend isn’t a good time, we’ll be doing it” **

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Malia

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How can you compare something dangerous like leaving children alone to Two married people making love while children are asleep. I can’t imagine saying to my parents, "Hey Mom and Dad, are you planning on making love when the kids come to visit. I don’t think grand parents should make love while their Grandkids are there. So could you please abstain for the two weeks that the kids are there. So, do you guys still have sex anyway? "

Now that conversation is much different than saying, “Hey, mom and dad, I prefer the kids aren’t left alone at all. IS that ok?”

Do you see the difference. One is neglect and the other is just preference. If the sister felt so strongly about sexual relations she should have made that clear when she asked her to babysit.

Yes the sister has the right to do what she wants with her kids. But do you have the obligation to tell people when you are making love to there spouse or get the ok from the kids parents? That is totally rediculous! We are not talking about some teenage girl having a romp while the parents are gone. These are two married relatives who in there own home feel like making love to one another, a marital bond. Yes the mother has the right not to send her kids over there, thats her business. But to say that it is a slippery slope is outright irresponsable.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I agree with honesty and parental preference, however, it is unrealistic to expect your married sister to abstain from relations (behind locked doors when the kids are asleep) just because your kids are there. The sister doesn’t need to know that her sister and sister’s husband are making love and it should not bother her.

It would be entirely another thing if it was taking place in front of the girls but clearly, it is not. If the sister was that concerned, she should have made that clear in the beginning, instead of just assuming that it wouldn’t happen.

 

[martino]

I agree with honesty and parental preference, however, it is unrealistic to expect your married sister to abstain from relations (behind locked doors when the kids are asleep) just because your kids are there. The sister doesn’t need to know that her sister and sister’s husband are making love and it should not bother her.

It would be entirely another thing if it was taking place in front of the girls but clearly, it is not. If the sister was that concerned, she should have made that clear in the beginning, instead of just assuming that it wouldn’t happen.

She was probably relying on the ole “dont ask, dont tell” policy. I think that way works best. Once she finds out I’m sure her imagination got the best of her!

 

[MysticalMan]

She was probably relying on the ole “dont ask, dont tell” policy. I think that way works best. Once she finds out I’m sure her imagination got the best of her!

Why WOULD one ask about their sister’s marital privacy? Its not a policy its just none of her business. Why would one assume they were doing something wild or abnormal? This woman sounds very unreasonable. Watch my kids over night every week blah blah blah!

 

[Katie1723]

Maybe when you send kids to a relative’s house you should also send “10 rules for babysitting my children” and then list all the things you will and/or won’t allow. No negotiating. Just hard and fast rules.
The thing I find puzzling is if sex is not to occur when there are children in the house, how is it that there are very few one child Catholic families??

Kathy

 

[Mommyof02green]

Maybe when you send kids to a relative’s house you should also send “10 rules for babysitting my children” and then list all the things you will and/or won’t allow. No negotiating. Just hard and fast rules.
The thing I find puzzling is if sex is not to occur when there are children in the house, how is it that there are very few one child Catholic families??

Kathy

They go to a relative’s house for the night…

 

[dulcissima]

They go to a relative’s house for the night…

Actually, the sister in this case is only sending her two oldest over. So, it sounds like she still has children at home, so maybe her kids are all adopted. Surely she would not be setting a double standard with the OP, now would she?

 

[martino]

They go to a relative’s house for the night…

Ok that makes more sense than you probably realize! That could be why she was upset. Send the kids to the relatives house so they can have sex and then find out the relatives are having sex too. Well its only speculation but makes sense to me.