Interfaith marriage

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Rvalde

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I have a interfaith marriage.* My husband is a baptized catholic when he was an infant, then his family converted and became born again christians (baptist).* My husband and I dated for 4 years, beause I wanted to be sure that he understood my stand on being catholic and reponsibilities that came with it.* In the span of 4 years, tears were shead because of our religious differences, but at end of day to get a middle ground and understanding.

To make story short, we got married in the church and took our pre cana class.* He was made aware that I have* made a promise to raise our future kids catholic.* Now 4 years passed, and we already have 2 kids.* He has then stopped going to mass with me and even told me that as he is head of the family, and it is his responsibility to lead our household religion wise. He has quoted the bible verse Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a]her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”**32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her huband.

What can I say to my husband?* It is unfair for me because we do not have the same beliefs. Also now, i learn that the reason he agreed to be married in the catholic church is not to abide by the catholic rules, but beacuse he got married in front of God. I am confused as to what to say to him to enligthen him back and allow me to keep my promise to raise our kids Catholic.*

Thank you.**
 
Rvalde said:
I have a interfaith marriage.* My husband is a baptized catholic when he was an infant, then his family converted and became born again christians (baptist).* My husband and I dated for 4 years, beause I wanted to be sure that he understood my stand on being catholic and reponsibilities that came with it.* In the span of 4 years, tears were shead because of our religious differences, but at end of day to get a middle ground and understanding.

To make story short, we got married in the church and took our pre cana class.* He was made aware that I have* made a promise to raise our future kids catholic.* Now 4 years passed, and we already have 2 kids.* He has then stopped going to mass with me and even told me that as he is head of the family, and it is his responsibility to lead our household religion wise. He has quoted the bible verse Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a]her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”**32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her huband.

What can I say to my husband?* It is unfair for me because we do not have the same beliefs. Also now, i learn that the reason he agreed to be married in the catholic church is not to abide by the catholic rules, but beacuse he got married in front of God. I am confused as to what to say to him to enligthen him back and allow me to keep my promise to raise our kids Catholic.*

Thank you.**

That’s very unfortunate.

How about, “Honey, I made a promise before we got married to raise our future children Catholic. I am keeping my promise to do that.”
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Rvalde said:
I have a interfaith marriage.* My husband is a baptized catholic when he was an infant, then his family converted and became born again christians (baptist).* My husband and I dated for 4 years, beause I wanted to be sure that he understood my stand on being catholic and reponsibilities that came with it.* In the span of 4 years, tears were shead because of our religious differences, but at end of day to get a middle ground and understanding.

To make story short, we got married in the church and took our pre cana class.* He was made aware that I have* made a promise to raise our future kids catholic.* Now 4 years passed, and we already have 2 kids.* He has then stopped going to mass with me and even told me that as he is head of the family, and it is his responsibility to lead our household religion wise. He has quoted the bible verse Ephesians 5:21-33
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a]her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”**32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her huband.

What can I say to my husband?* It is unfair for me because we do not have the same beliefs. Also now, i learn that the reason he agreed to be married in the catholic church is not to abide by the catholic rules, but beacuse he got married in front of God. I am confused as to what to say to him to enligthen him back and allow me to keep my promise to raise our kids Catholic.*

Thank you.**

Wow, sorry to hear this 😦

I would nite that his use of the bible in this context is wrong. As you are being asked to do something against your faith, and therefore against Christ. (I admit this gets complicated in your situation since he isnt going muslim or something) but it sounds like he has decided to go a bit childish temper tantrum…

From a non (which faith is right) perspective, you guys did agree to raise the children catholic, you seem to have laid out all the foundations for your marriage in advance and he is breaking the deal.

If this isn’t part of larger issues, I would say to come at it from the deal breaking perspective and point out that Mr. Head of the religious household already led in agreement to make a direction and you agreed to follow that lead because it is within your understanding of what is acceptable to God. But that following something that is not is a different story. (Deliver these things in a nice way)

And he is not following the part about loving you that he quoted… especially in the context of the agreement and his understanding of you as a Catholic…
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How are the kids doing? How are they within the Church, you also might be able to point out what affect it might have on them and that statically kids whose parents dont come together within raising their kids religiously fall away from all church, better they be Catholic than atheist to him? Or does he believe that it is such an abomination that they be Catholic?
 
All I can say here is give the example of my late father. He was an Anglican and married my mother in 1955, in the Church, with the proper dispensations, and he also pledged to raise the children Catholic.

He took his duty so seriously that he would be the one to take me to Mass when my mother didn’t feel well, which was often. He would also often come to Mass with the both of us.

I think since he is aware of this requirement and your intention to abide by it, he should honour that; it’s not as if you pulled a surprise on him all of a sudden. On the other hand you don’t want this to end badly, so my strongest recommendation would be for the both of you to discuss this with your priest, and if he won’t participate, then you yourself go discuss this with your priest.

Technically your husband is, BTW Catholic as he was baptized as such.
 
Thank you all for thr replies and (name removed by moderator)ut.

My husband keeps trying to tell me “everything i need to believe is in the bible” and I dont need anyone else telling me what to do (meaning Catholic church and it’s “traditions” as he calls it). Because of my interfaith marriage, i want to learn more about being a catholic and how to denfend it.

I go to church with my parents and my daughter who is only 9mo on saturdays. I havent been able to bring my son (3) to church lately because he is at that stage where he cant stay put. Sundays, my husband brings me along with our kids to his church. I go just for the sake of going but i know it will have to stop. Im reading conversion stories online, researching ways to defend my faith to him hoping that he will get it one day. I feel so sad to go to mass without my whole family. I look around and see families together and almost feel jealous. I cant help but think I brought this upon myself. But since we are married i hope i can still do my best to be a good wife in his eyes and i will do everything for my kids even though i know for sure… he knows I will not convert or fall away from being a catholic.

Side note: my husband was baptized catholic, and even though they became protestant as a child, his parents still sent him through catholic school, except in college. So he knows catholic religon as he says, and find that he doesnt grow spiritually there.

Please keep comments coming And thank you for yor help.
 
phil19034 said:
I too am in a interfaith marriage, and a true one at that (my wife is Jewish). I will pray for you. She is against our kids being raised Catholic and she did not have to make that promise since we were not married in the Church (I receive a Radical Sanation to regularize my marriage within the Church)

May I suggest the following article by Dr. Gregory Popcak

catholicdigest.com/articles/family/marriage_relationships/2010/01-16/a-survival-guide-for-the-two-faith-family

God Bless
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Thank you. That made me feel better.

I have a cousin who married a jewish girl 2 yrs ago. They were married by a catholic priest and a rabbi. I wonder now if the wife had to make the promise. They have no kids yet.
 
Ah, the kids are still young… from a selfish standpoint if he is going to do what he is doing, now is the time (for him). He can make this move and the kids will never know the difference… I would wonder if his Baptist people helped put the bug in his ear? “It’s not too late, they don’t know Catholic yet” type stuff. I really hope he comes around, I am divorced and know the feeling of going to Church without a whole family… it is sucky 😦
 
Rvalde said:
Thank you all for thr replies and (name removed by moderator)ut.

My husband keeps trying to tell me “everything i need to believe is in the bible” and I dont need anyone else telling me what to do (meaning Catholic church and it’s “traditions” as he calls it). Because of my interfaith marriage, i want to learn more about being a catholic and how to denfend it.

I go to church with my parents and my daughter who is only 9mo on saturdays. I havent been able to bring my son (3) to church lately because he is at that stage where he cant stay put. Sundays, my husband brings me along with our kids to his church. I go just for the sake of going but i know it will have to stop. Im reading conversion stories online, researching ways to defend my faith to him hoping that he will get it one day. I feel so sad to go to mass without my whole family. I look around and see families together and almost feel jealous. I cant help but think I brought this upon myself. But since we are married i hope i can still do my best to be a good wife in his eyes and i will do everything for my kids even though i know for sure… he knows I will not convert or fall away from being a catholic.

Side note: my husband was baptized catholic, and even though they became protestant as a child, his parents still sent him through catholic school, except in college. So he knows catholic religon as he says, and find that he doesnt grow spiritually there.

Please keep comments coming And thank you for yor help.
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Tell your husband that even though he disagrees with your faith, he should respect it and he should respect you. Tell him that he should honour the promises he made to you, and by extension to your faith and the God you both believe in.

Ask your Priest if there is anything he can suggest, and if your husband really won’t listen to you, I would start going to counselling together.

Your husband does not have the right to “tell you what to do”. He needs to understand that you are your own person, and you believe differently to him. It may be part of the “zeal” he has for his new faith that is making him act this way, but that does not give him the right to disrespect you in the way that he is.

Lou
 
Rvalde said:
Thank you all for thr replies and (name removed by moderator)ut.

My husband keeps trying to tell me “everything i need to believe is in the bible” and I dont need anyone else telling me what to do (meaning Catholic church and it’s “traditions” as he calls it). Because of my interfaith marriage, i want to learn more about being a catholic and how to denfend it.
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I wouldn’t be argumentative, or not at great length. But you might get a lot out of Bible study to give you a little more confidence. I vaguely remember that Karl Keating’s Catholicism and Fundamentalism may be helpful–but I haven’t read it recently.

If he says, “everything I need to believe is in the Bible” you can say something like, “Where does it say that, honey?”

I absolutely guarantee you that his church teaches a lot of stuff that it would be very difficult to get out of the Bible.

I also guarantee you that if your husband is fundamentalist (and that’s the vibe I’m getting) that the knowledge of scripture may look superficially impressive, but it’s really not. That kind of church tends to have a small area of the Bible that they obsess over, but they don’t tend to have a lot of depth and breadth.

I find his statement that you don’t need anybody telling you what to do a little disingenuous, because it’s pretty clear that HE is planning on telling you what to do. I have this awful feeling that your husband is in the process of appointing himself pope of your family.

I hope I’m wrong, but the outlook on this is not very good.

Good luck!
 
Rvalde said:
Thank you all for thr replies and (name removed by moderator)ut.

My husband keeps trying to tell me “everything i need to believe is in the bible” and I dont need anyone else telling me what to do (meaning Catholic church and it’s “traditions” as he calls it). Because of my interfaith marriage, i want to learn more about being a catholic and how to denfend it.
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Ah, that’s a problem. He’s proselytizing you, and that is very tough on a marriage. I went through the same thing for a time with my Protestant wife, when I returned back to the Church after a long absence. She was openly hostile to Catholicism for a long while and to monasticism as well after I became an oblate. It took a long time but she got to know the monks and several oblates much better and not only realizes what we’re not ogres, we have much to offer.

Be firm in your faith in especially in practice. Insist it is your right to take the children to your Church as well. Pray for him. Do not seek argument, but if tries to argue, if you know the answer (from a Catholic perspective) calmly explain “this is what we believe”.

And last but not least, get counselling. His behaviour is a form of mental harassment. It is very damaging to a marriage. He needs someone disinterested to make that clear to him. Marriage is not an occasion to proselytize, it’s an occasion to love, and that’s based in trust and mutual respect.

Especially don’t fall into the trap of tit-for-tat proselytizing. Once my mother in law, who was an Pentecostal, was visiting. She always had little negative digs and comments about the Church. We were sitting on our front balcony. She started to lecture me on how important it was to read and pray the psalms. I jumped at the opportunity to establish commonality between us. My breviary (Liturgy of the Hours) was sitting on the arm of my chair as I’d just finished praying it. So I showed her what I was just doing. She was surprised by the fact that I prayed psalms, and just how much scripture was in the LOTH. I didn’t do any more than that. Just showed her what I prayed and let her absorb the information.

I think she realized that we weren’t heathens because she came to the monastery with me after that, for Vespers.

Another occasion I got the “everything is in the Bible” spiel by an evangelical visiting the monastery. Rather than argue with him, I asked if he’d heard of lectio divina. He hadn’t so I encouraged him to look it up as a prayerful way to read the Bible.

A good and holy priest told me just after I came back to the Church that I must NEVER argue doctrine with my wife. Sound advice and I think your husband will need someone in some authority to take him aside and give him the same advice.

Interfaith marriage aren’t always easy, but you need to build on what you hold in common, not the differences, and you must respect the differences.
 
OraLabora said:
Ah, that’s a problem. He’s proselytizing you, and that is very tough on a marriage. I went through the same thing for a time with my Protestant wife, when I returned back to the Church after a long absence. She was openly hostile to Catholicism for a long while and to monasticism as well after I became an oblate. It took a long time but she got to know the monks and several oblates much better and not only realizes what we’re not ogres, we have much to offer.

Be firm in your faith in especially in practice. Insist it is your right to take the children to your Church as well. Pray for him. Do not seek argument, but if tries to argue, if you know the answer (from a Catholic perspective) calmly explain “this is what we believe”.

And last but not least, get counselling. His behaviour is a form of mental harassment. It is very damaging to a marriage. He needs someone disinterested to make that clear to him. Marriage is not an occasion to proselytize, it’s an occasion to love, and that’s based in trust and mutual respect.

Especially don’t fall into the trap of tit-for-tat proselytizing. Once my mother in law, who was an Pentecostal, was visiting. She always had little negative digs and comments about the Church. We were sitting on our front balcony. She started to lecture me on how important it was to read and pray the psalms. I jumped at the opportunity to establish commonality between us. My breviary (Liturgy of the Hours) was sitting on the arm of my chair as I’d just finished praying it. So I showed her what I was just doing. She was surprised by the fact that I prayed psalms, and just how much scripture was in the LOTH. I didn’t do any more than that. Just showed her what I prayed and let her absorb the information.

I think she realized that we weren’t heathens because she came to the monastery with me after that, for Vespers.

Another occasion I got the “everything is in the Bible” spiel by an evangelical visiting the monastery. Rather than argue with him, I asked if he’d heard of lectio divina. He hadn’t so I encouraged him to look it up as a prayerful way to read the Bible.

A good and holy priest told me just after I came back to the Church that I must NEVER argue doctrine with my wife. Sound advice and I think your husband will need someone in some authority to take him aside and give him the same advice.

Interfaith marriage aren’t always easy, but you need to build on what you hold in common, not the differences, and you must respect the differences.
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Very good.
 
Honestly – I’d tell the guy that if he tries to stop you and the children from going to Mass or raising them in the Catholic faith, to expect divorce papers to be served ASAP.

Just because he’s become evangelical DOES NOT give him the right to dictate what faith you follow, much less make you break your promises to the Church.

This guy is well on his way to becoming a bully. Get out while you still can – you don’t know how this might escalate. That “be submissive” nonsense is a BIG RED WARNING FLAG.
 
Magdalen2013 said:
Honestly – I’d tell the guy that if he tries to stop you and the children from going to Mass or raising them in the Catholic faith, to expect divorce papers to be served ASAP.

Just because he’s become evangelical DOES NOT give him the right to dictate what faith you follow, much less make you break your promises to the Church.

This guy is well on his way to becoming a bully. Get out while you still can – you don’t know how this might escalate. That “be submissive” nonsense is a BIG RED WARNING FLAG.
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Not being able to see him and you interact, I would caution haste… ie if the discusions arent as bad as we can picture.

However, I can definitely see a possibility of bully. I am also a bit worried that he knew this all along and decided to wait until the kid was getting close to understanding things. If that is the case and I pray it isn’t, I am worried for you and will pray for you.
 
LethalMouse said:
Not being able to see him and you interact, I would caution haste… ie if the discusions arent as bad as we can picture.

However, I can definitely see a possibility of bully. I am also a bit worried that he knew this all along and decided to wait until the kid was getting close to understanding things. If that is the case and I pray it isn’t, I am worried for you and will pray for you.
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I wouldn’t counsel jumping from the marriage just yet. All marriages have their bad patches and interfaith ones have their own special traps that we’ve been through ourselves. In my case it was my wife doing the bullying; everything I said about my faith was riposted with “where does it say that in the Bible”? And I gave my standard reply “where does it say in the Bible that everything we need know is in the Bible?”

Anyway we matured our way out of that and now have a rock-solid marriage. The nonsense happened nearly 20 years ago.
 
OraLabora said:
I wouldn’t counsel jumping from the marriage just yet. All marriages have their bad patches and interfaith ones have their own special traps that we’ve been through ourselves. In my case it was my wife doing the bullying; everything I said about my faith was riposted with “where does it say that in the Bible”? And I gave my standard reply “where does it say in the Bible that everything we need know is in the Bible?”

Anyway we matured our way out of that and now have a rock-solid marriage. The nonsense happened nearly 20 years ago.
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Yeah, it could just be a phase.
 
Rvalde said:
What can I say to my husband?* It is unfair for me because we do not have the same beliefs. Also now, i learn that the reason he agreed to be married in the catholic church is not to abide by the catholic rules, but beacuse he got married in front of God. I am confused as to what to say to him to enligthen him back and allow me to keep my promise to raise our kids Catholic.*

Thank you.
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My husband was raised vehemently anti-Catholic, I am a cradle whose parents left the church post V2. Together we traveled the maze of Protestantism. There comes a time when the Bible alone is not enough. It did for my husband. Since he rejected Catholicism, we studied the ‘ancient faith’ Eastern Orthodoxy. That answered all his lifelong questions. We both converted to Eastern Catholicism, however. (I was never able to reconcile with the Roman Catholic Church, hence my transfer.)
 
Rvalde said:
Thank you all for thr replies and (name removed by moderator)ut.

My husband keeps trying to tell me “everything i need to believe is in the bible” and I dont need anyone else telling me what to do (meaning Catholic church and it’s “traditions” as he calls it). Because of my interfaith marriage, i want to learn more about being a catholic and how to denfend it.

I go to church with my parents and my daughter who is only 9mo on saturdays. I havent been able to bring my son (3) to church lately because he is at that stage where he cant stay put. Sundays, my husband brings me along with our kids to his church. I go just for the sake of going but i know it will have to stop. Im reading conversion stories online, researching ways to defend my faith to him hoping that he will get it one day. I feel so sad to go to mass without my whole family. I look around and see families together and almost feel jealous. I cant help but think I brought this upon myself. But since we are married i hope i can still do my best to be a good wife in his eyes and i will do everything for my kids even though i know for sure… he knows I will not convert or fall away from being a catholic.

**Side note: my husband was baptized catholic, and even though they became protestant as a child, his parents still sent him through catholic school, except in college. So he knows catholic religon as he says, and find that he doesnt grow spiritually there.
**
Please keep comments coming And thank you for yor help.
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I cannot help anyone with relationship issues, but, someone should point out to him that going through Catholic schools does not make one an expert in the religion. In fact, it is no secret that Catholic schools have done and still do a lousy job teaching the religion and promoting spiritual growth. I’ve been through 14+ of Catholic schools and probably would not even know what the Magisterium is if I had not bothered to study religion myself.
 
OraLabora - it is hard not to seem arguementative when I talk to him. He is good with his words and I am not. After our talks, he will not speak to me. He even at one time stayed in our room all day in bed. I almost feel like bullied like what others have said. He will tell me that he doesnt have sa “say” matters and that it’s already decided upon when it comes to the kids.

We havent had the “talk” again but im preparing. To be honest, i feel cheated. I look at him and feel like he married me in the catholic church because it is what i needed to do and he just had to do it or else no marriage. He married me in the catholic church not because he agrees to the catholic laws but because he went i there proclaiming marriage in front of God.That only means he underminded me, right??

We will have to work on this marriagr because of the kids and and even though he is this way right now he provides for us. Not just with our family and helps my relatives in lots of ways. I can’t deny though that I have thought of annulment in passing. I dont know much about annulments. Does our situation even qualify? Just a thought.

Thanks again for the comments. Hoping for more replies. Sorry in advance for any typos.
 
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