Interfaith marriage

[Xantippe]

OraLabora - it is hard not to seem arguementative when I talk to him. He is good with his words and I am not. After our talks, he will not speak to me. He even at one time stayed in our room all day in bed. I almost feel like bullied like what others have said. He will tell me that he doesnt have sa “say” matters and that it’s already decided upon when it comes to the kids.

We havent had the “talk” again but im preparing. To be honest, i feel cheated. I look at him and feel like he married me in the catholic church because it is what i needed to do and he just had to do it or else no marriage. He married me in the catholic church not because he agrees to the catholic laws but because he went i there proclaiming marriage in front of God.That only means he underminded me, right??

We will have to work on this marriagr because of the kids and and even though he is this way right now he provides for us. Not just with our family and helps my relatives in lots of ways. I can’t deny though that I have thought of annulment in passing. I dont know much about annulments. Does our situation even qualify? Just a thought.

Thanks again for the comments. Hoping for more replies. Sorry in advance for any typos.

Your husband is doing a lot of bad stuff and if you two are going to have a functional family, he’s going to have to knock it off.

But the fact that he married you in the Church just to marry you is not actually a bad thing.

Talk to your pastor and see if you can find a counselor that would be mutually agreeable to you. I have a lot of concerns that he either won’t agree to a counselor, or he’ll insist on one who is from his particular theological neck of the woods, which would put you at a huge disadvantage. But you should probably try to find somebody.

Also, work on brief, neutral, factual answers. For instance if he says, “it’s already decided upon when it comes to the kids” you can say, “yes, sweetie, because WE agreed that’s how it would be before we got married.”

 

[LethalMouse]

OraLabora - it is hard not to seem arguementative when I talk to him. He is good with his words and I am not. After our talks, he will not speak to me. He even at one time stayed in our room all day in bed. I almost feel like bullied like what others have said. He will tell me that he doesnt have sa “say” matters and that it’s already decided upon when it comes to the kids.

We havent had the “talk” again but im preparing. To be honest, i feel cheated. I look at him and feel like he married me in the catholic church because it is what i needed to do and he just had to do it or else no marriage. He married me in the catholic church not because he agrees to the catholic laws but because he went i there proclaiming marriage in front of God.That only means he underminded me, right??

We will have to work on this marriagr because of the kids and and even though he is this way right now he provides for us. Not just with our family and helps my relatives in lots of ways. I can’t deny though that I have thought of annulment in passing. I dont know much about annulments. Does our situation even qualify? Just a thought.

Thanks again for the comments. Hoping for more replies. Sorry in advance for any typos.

He did though per what you told us, he made an agreement of his own free will and that was 100% his decision.

(Not to be critical) But is there any overarching issue where he feels in general he has no say? Only asking because if it is a theme of the marriage that he shuts up and colors it would make sense for this temper tantrum of his if he is a decent guy generally.

No one but the tribunal can say if it would qualify for annulment. And I guess it would have a chance… given the entire thing flies against what a Catholic marriage is supposed to be in essence. But there would have to be more of a “he lied at the promise” than “he changed his mind” I think. Again no one knows.

I think we all hope you can resolve this without such extremes. Other than this you seem to imply a decent marriage, hopefully it can be great

 

[Kal2012]

It would be worth talking to a priest about whether you can get an annulment, just because it sounds like he got married in the church under false pretenses.

I think it’s commendable that your husband wants to take "spiritual’ responsibility for your kids; however, marriage is a team effort. You can’t just force your spouse to believe something. (My husband just doesn’t care about church stuff, so I’m the one who does all the church stuff.)

Are your kids baptized Catholic? Like you said, you made promises to raise your kids Catholic. That just wasn’t clear from your post and I can totally see your spouse using that as an excuse not to raise your kids Catholic.

I guess I don’t follow his logic because he got married in the church to “get married in front of God”, but it’s not okay for you to raise your kids Catholic because you made a promise to God?

What I’m hearing your husband argue is that it’s okay for a woman to break her promises to God, but it’s okay for the guy to lie to God and the church because he wanted to be married in front of God. That really makes no sense whatsoever.

I can’t imagine my spouse asking me to forget and ignore promises that I made to God and the Church.

Simply put, wives submitting to their husband’s isn’t a blank check for the husband to be a jerk.

Husband’s need to treat their wives like Christ loved the Church.

Key word: Loved.

What your husband is doing isn’t very loving.

Christ would never ask any of us to back away from our promises to God - especially when it comes to raising your kids in the church. Especially if we made them of our own free will.

It’s hard for me to imagine a spouse asking that of his wife. Or a wife asking that of a husband.

Interfaith marriages can work, but they only work when people are clear about their expectations when it comes to religion (and not lie about it). Before I converted, my husband was very clear about what churches he would and would not attend with me. We talked about raising the kids Christian, even if it wasn’t Catholic. (However, thankfully we are on the same page these days!) However, we never actively tried to get the other person to change their faith. Nor did we attempt to mislead each other.

As a former Baptist, the kind of stuff your husband is pulling is one of the major reasons why I converted to Catholicism. There’s just a lack of respect for women and their choices (and their personhood in general) in some corners of the Baptist tradition and a lot of it is cultural. It’s just never going to change. Your post makes me thankful I got out when I did. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

Pray. A lot. Let the Holy Spirit work in the situation.

<>

 

[Xantippe]

One possibility that comes to mind is that your husband may be starting to show signs of mental illness (the staying in bed all day thing is concerning).

It probably isn’t that, but keep your eyes open, and try to be calm, firm and compassionate.

 

[mommy_k]

It seems he is doing the exact opposite of what God wants in a Catholic or any Christian marriage. Even the scripture he quoted was the protestant interpretation… Did you know that Catholic’s have a different one?

You can google this particular scripture under a Catholic interpretation, and see. It is about showing the relationship between Jesus and His Church, and uses the family hierarchy from those times to explain His relationship with it.

He is perhaps ingrained in his faith, just as you are. Perhaps if you point out that man worte the biblegasp just as Catholic people have traditions too, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Of course, this should be shared in a kind way, with the intention of educating him a bit.

There needs to be a compromise here-and a neutral third party may be needed to mediate this-such as a marriage counselor if he is closed to any reasonable solution.

 

[Convert_in_99]

You need a priest’s guidance and intervention. I was in a similar situation with my husband being Protestant and not wanting the kids raised solely Catholic, but both Catholic and Protestant. I say was because it turned out we won’t be blessed with living children.

I do know you won’t get proper guidance from a forum full of people who aren’t sure of your exact situation or proper advice to give to mixed faith marriages in general. They are a special situation and each situation requires individualized guidance and intruction. There is not one advice fits all. Exceptions are made for various individual circumstances. Go see a priest ASAP! I will pray for you! :hug1:

 

[Lou2U]

OraLabora - it is hard not to seem arguementative when I talk to him. He is good with his words and I am not. After our talks, he will not speak to me. He even at one time stayed in our room all day in bed. I almost feel like bullied like what others have said. He will tell me that he doesnt have sa “say” matters and that it’s already decided upon when it comes to the kids.

We havent had the “talk” again but im preparing. To be honest, i feel cheated. I look at him and feel like he married me in the catholic church because it is what i needed to do and he just had to do it or else no marriage. He married me in the catholic church not because he agrees to the catholic laws but because he went i there proclaiming marriage in front of God.That only means he underminded me, right??

We will have to work on this marriagr because of the kids and and even though he is this way right now he provides for us. Not just with our family and helps my relatives in lots of ways. I can’t deny though that I have thought of annulment in passing. I dont know much about annulments. Does our situation even qualify? Just a thought.

Thanks again for the comments. Hoping for more replies. Sorry in advance for any typos.

I would tell him to respect you and your faith. If neither of you can have a calm conversation about religion, don’t have it. Arguing won’t help either of you.

Definitely look into getting some marriage counselling. You both need to be able to discuss this calmly (not easy, I know) and without the passive aggressive behaviour of your husband. It’ll also help you work through your communication issues.

Lou

 

[Rvalde]

Thanks for your prayers.

Do I have to go to confession to talk to a priest?

Can somebody translate the following? I googled and and found similar question as i have posted. This is the answer from a Reverend.

The Church does not agree with your understanding and interpretation of Ephesians. Pope John Paul II in his APOSTOLIC LETTER MULIERIS DIGNITATEM, ON THE DIGNITY AND VOCATION OF WOMEN ON THE OCCASION OF THE MARIAN YEAR, #24 states: “The author of the Letter to the Ephesians sees no contradiction between an exhortation formulated in this way and the words: ‘Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife’ (5:22-23). The author knows that this way of speaking, so profondly rooted in the customs and religious tradition of the time, is to be understood and carriedout in a new way: as a ‘mutual subjection out of reverence for Christ’ (cf. Eph 5:21). This is especially true because the husband is called the ‘head’ of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church; he is so in order to give ‘himself up for her’ (Eph 5:25), and giving himself up for her means giving up even his own life. However, whereas in the relationship between Christ and the Church the subjection is only on the part of the Church, in the relationship between husband and wife the ‘subjection’ is not one-sided but mutual.”

 

[mommy_k]

Thanks for your prayers.

Do I have to go to confession to talk to a priest?

Can somebody translate the following? I googled and and found similar question as i have posted. This is the answer from a Reverend.

The Church does not agree with your understanding and interpretation of Ephesians. Pope John Paul II in his APOSTOLIC LETTER MULIERIS DIGNITATEM, ON THE DIGNITY AND VOCATION OF WOMEN ON THE OCCASION OF THE MARIAN YEAR, #24 states: “The author of the Letter to the Ephesians sees no contradiction between an exhortation formulated in this way and the words: ‘Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife’ (5:22-23). The author knows that this way of speaking, so profondly rooted in the customs and religious tradition of the time, is to be understood and carriedout in a new way: as a ‘mutual subjection out of reverence for Christ’ (cf. Eph 5:21). This is especially true because the husband is called the ‘head’ of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church; he is so in order to give ‘himself up for her’ (Eph 5:25), and giving himself up for her means giving up even his own life. However, whereas in the relationship between Christ and the Church the subjection is only on the part of the Church, in the relationship between husband and wife the ‘subjection’ is not one-sided but mutual.”

Here is a link that will break down the chapter for you.

usccb.org/bible/ephesians/5

If you scroll down to the bottom, a commentary is there.

These verses are about mutual love. That as the body of the church, we are to subjegate to Jesus, but in marriage the subjecation is mutual, as stated in JP11’s letter.
It is written in terms of the customs of the times for anaology.

I agree wiith the other posters though that before getting into any scripture debates you need to know if this is effective way to deal with the conflict you are facing with your husband.

I agree to speak to a priest, or marriage counselor. You can call the parish office and make an appointment.

 

[mommy_k]

Here is a link that will break down the chapter for you.

usccb.org/bible/ephesians/5

If you scroll down to the bottom, a commentary is there.

These verses are about mutual love. That as the body of the church, we are to subjegate to Jesus, but in marriage the subjecation is mutual, as stated in JP11’s letter.
It is written in terms of the customs of the times for anaology.

I agree wiith the other posters though that before getting into any scripture debates you need to know if this is effective way to deal with the conflict you are facing with your husband.

I agree to speak to a priest, or marriage counselor. You can call the parish office and make an appointment.

Please change the word subjegate to submit-- I timed out

 

[Cyril_Of_Canada]

Thank you all for thr replies and (name removed by moderator)ut.

My husband keeps trying to tell me “everything i need to believe is in the bible” and I dont need anyone else telling me what to do (meaning Catholic church and it’s “traditions” as he calls it). Because of my interfaith marriage, i want to learn more about being a catholic and how to denfend it.

I go to church with my parents and my daughter who is only 9mo on saturdays. I havent been able to bring my son (3) to church lately because he is at that stage where he cant stay put. Sundays, my husband brings me along with our kids to his church. I go just for the sake of going but i know it will have to stop. Im reading conversion stories online, researching ways to defend my faith to him hoping that he will get it one day. I feel so sad to go to mass without my whole family. I look around and see families together and almost feel jealous. I cant help but think I brought this upon myself. But since we are married i hope i can still do my best to be a good wife in his eyes and i will do everything for my kids even though i know for sure… he knows I will not convert or fall away from being a catholic.

Side note: my husband was baptized catholic, and even though they became protestant as a child, his parents still sent him through catholic school, except in college. So he knows catholic religon as he says, and find that he doesnt grow spiritually there.

Please keep comments coming And thank you for yor help.

I am in a similar situation. I’ll get more into if you’d like to know. We are both protestants; I’m looking to convert to Catholicism; She wants to remain protestant and is opposed to me converting. She too brought up the question of how we’d raise our child. I face the same situation you do.

As a protestant, I may be able to help.

I think it is important we know whether he believes he can lie and break an oath and still be in good standing with Jesus. Think about it. As husband, his duty is to love you. Is breaking a promise and lying to you a loving action? Did he deceive you and give you lip service?
It is right and just for you to hold him accountable for a promise he made to you, at least in my opinion. Because his role is to love you just as Jesus loved the church. He wants to be like Jesus, doesn’t he?

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s unfortunate.

 

[Mike1955]

All I can say here is give the example of my late father. He was an Anglican and married my mother in 1955, in the Church, with the proper dispensations, and he also pledged to raise the children Catholic.

I believe that in 1955, the non-Catholic agreed that the children would be raised Catholic. Today, only the Catholic agrees to this, and the non-Catholic simply acknowledges that he/she is aware of the Catholic spouse’s promise. The non-Catholic does NOT agree to raise the children Catholic.

 

[Rvalde]

Thank you once again for all the comments, suggested readings and prayers.

Cyril of Canada - i just read your story in another thread I admire you. God bless your heart.

How old is your child? Sometimes, i look at my husband and think that he will never convert. He has long time friends in his home church and he is the first born in his family. He has this notion that he is the Man, the Husband and it is his responsibility to lead us and our kids spiritually. I feel like sometimes he thinks he knows it all. He doesn’t understand confession to a priest. He said he is more comfortable talking to his pastor because he just treats him like a friend. Also since the pastor is married, he is mostly likely to know what he is advising more than the priest who is not married. What are your thoughts?

Just now, a friend from way way back in junior high called me through facebook. We just found each other late last year and we are both on mat leave. She just asked me to be a godmother to her child in a dedication. I’m in shock why this is happening right now. I dont know how to reject her invitation to explain why i cannot be…help…

 

[retire_early]

Not sure why so many jump in on these posts by “Trial Membership” OP’s, who only have a handful of posts and present some big, seemingly insurmountable problem, using incorrect grammer, punctuation and spelling and continue to add more angles and requests for help, even saying “keep them (comments) coming” to the posters.

Don’t you get it? Time and time again these show up. Its just some made-up post by someone that just wants to debate and enjoy discussion. Its not real. But, maybe the hypothetical discussion is enjoyable for some.

 

[CouldBNE1]

Not sure why so many jump in on these posts by “Trial Membership” OP’s, who only have a handful of posts and present some big, seemingly insurmountable problem, using incorrect grammer, punctuation and spelling and continue to add more angles and requests for help, even saying “keep them (comments) coming” to the posters.

Don’t you get it? Time and time again these show up. Its just some made-up post by someone that just wants to debate and enjoy discussion. Its not real. But, maybe the hypothetical discussion is enjoyable for some.

shurg The OP joined in Jan of 2012. Perhaps she just reads the threads and refrains from commenting? There’s a lot to learn here, but I don’t feel like I have all that much to add. And, grammar/writing doesn’t come easily to everyone, nor is it always a poster’s first language. Just another perspective.

 

[LethalMouse]

Not sure why so many jump in on these posts by “Trial Membership” OP’s, who only have a handful of posts and present some big, seemingly insurmountable problem, using incorrect grammer, punctuation and spelling and continue to add more angles and requests for help, even saying “keep them (comments) coming” to the posters.

Don’t you get it? Time and time again these show up. Its just some made-up post by someone that just wants to debate and enjoy discussion. Its not real. But, maybe the hypothetical discussion is enjoyable for some.

As my priest said when discussing fake homeless or needy people, if someone seeks help and you give it you have done the right thing. If they were disingenuous that is for them to atone, as the graces of your intent to help are no less.

 

[Lou2U]

As my priest said when discussing fake homeless or needy people, if someone seeks help and you give it you have done the right thing. If they were disingenuous that is for them to atone, as the graces of your intent to help are no less.

Even if the OP is a troll (which I doubt), at least other people in this situation can read the thread and get advice from it.

OP, I really think you should get some marriage counselling to help you communicate better. You’ll be able to get more accurate advice than us on CAF.

Lou

 

[Rvalde]

I just want to say I’m real and my problems are not made up. I am in an intermarriage with 2 children ages 3 and 9 months old. This means that when I’m typing really fast (so I could take care of my kids), I get typing errors and bad grammar. To the poster that singled me out… thank you for making me feel bad.

I read everyone’s reply and tried to understand them as much as I could. I might add that english is also my second language.

Special thanks to LethalMouse for making the point of about helping. This is true and I agree.

I will just read previous posts here that is somewhat related to my question from now on.

I’m sorry.

 

[Rvalde]

Yes, I have been a member since 2012. My first post was to ask for prayers, because I was miscarrying. I have not been on here for 4 years.

 

[LethalMouse]

I just want to say I’m real and my problems are not made up. I am in an intermarriage with 2 children ages 3 and 9 months old. This means that when I’m typing really fast (so I could take care of my kids), I get typing errors and bad grammar. To the poster that singled me out… thank you for making me feel bad.

I read everyone’s reply and tried to understand them as much as I could. I might add that english is also my second language.

Special thanks to LethalMouse for making the point of about helping. This is true and I agree.

I will just read previous posts here that is somewhat related to my question from now on.

I’m sorry.

No, no you won’t! You will not feel bad because someone said something. If you need help you will seek it.

Plus, I like bothering people so just call me if someone is bothering you that isn’t me and I will bother them for you

retire early…I will bother you buddy :knight2: