Interfaith problem

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Holly

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Hello,

I am new to the forum and this is a personal problem.

I have always been a Catholic. I met a Muslim man when I was still a non practising Catholic. We got married in an Islamic ceremony. We had children and they have grown up with his faith.

Recently, I have discovered true faith. I don’t know how to explain it. Except I just love everything that is being a Catholic. The mass, the communion, the rosary, confession, reading the Bible. I was confirmed and have wanted to marry my partner in the Church.

He does not accept my promise for our children. We live in an Islamic country where it is illegal to convert Muslims to any other religion, including Christianity. He says he will marry me but I have to promise I will not ever try to convert them. So basically going against my promise.

I see so many issues emerging that I have been doubting he wants to marry me at all. I don’t think he is prepared to go through the requirements placed by the Church. From the marriage preparation courses that are given once a month ( he has postponed them 2x and said he cant do next month either) To the objections to this promise I have to make. To having to be interviewed by a priest.

We have been together for over 18 years. Our children identify as Muslims and even I feel it is impossible to convert them at this stage. But he still wants me to lie or forget this promise.

He stopped me from going to mass, (taking the money away then physically blocking me) told me to throw all my religious stuff in a bag then a bin. He stopped before. He threatened me that he would involve the police as it is illegal in this country to try to convert Muslims. Even the Church will not recognize Muslim converts to keep the peace in this country. I said I would not talk to them again about converting. He told them not to listen to my stories from the Bible. They listen to him, so I have only resorted to just praying for them. But I told him I will always try what is possible and he is not ok with that wording.

I am so lost.

We are living as brother and sister because I wanted to wait until we could marry in the Catholic Church. But now, it seems it wont happen. Should I just give in?
Should I walk away? Part of me thinks - well, these are the consequences of the past. And part of me understands he has been this way all our marriage, this time… i can’t blame myself for being selfish. Because I believe and it is almost like I didn’t choose. I cant explain it. I just believe.

I love my children and I am told to love my husband but I fear I don’t. His actions make me feel like I can love him and forgive him but not as my husband.

I am sorry for my past but he is very unforgiving towards me. I know he believes that when we die, the sins he never forgave, he will give me. I understand he will take from my good deeds for every wrong i did to him. Like… I think he just hates me. I am not sure of it but it feels this way. How can I marry him? How can we make this work? How can I walk away from my family despite all these difficulties, I love my children?

Thank you for reading all this and whatever advice you choose to share with me.
 
My advice is that you need to get away from him. Complications with converting due to the laws of your country aside, he has threatened you, taken away your belongings, removed your money and physically prevented you from leaving the house.

Please look after yourself ❤️ . You sound as if you’re in such a difficult position, I hope you are able to get to a place where you can convert and live your faith freely and safely.
 
So there are a couple of different issues going on here.
  1. It is a generally accepted point of shariah that a man who marries a woman of the book (Christian/Jew/Muslim) is obligated to support her in practicing her faith. So he has to let you attend mass, pray, have a Bible. I can not imagine he would be obligated to attend classes at the church with you though.
  2. When you married him before you agreed to raise the kids as Muslims. Whether you verbalized or not the children of a Muslim man are always Muslims under Shariah. You can’t take that back now. Do not try to convert them until you get them settled in a safe place.
  3. Scripture advises women in mixed marriages to stay put and pray for the conversion of spouse. You could try this. I wouldn’t go for a sacramental marriage under these conditions though.
What does the priest there say?? he is a better judge of your culture and family situation thanks we are.
 
Holly - I should have said to how very sorry I am. This is a horrible situation. I have known a few women who stuck out really bad situations in Saudi until their kids were adults. Even then it tore them apart.

Do not give up your faith. Ask God for help without ceasing. He will hear you
 
My advice is, now don’t do anything in a hurry.Whether you already understood or not,the fact is that you were and still are in the habit of taking decisions which suits your immediate convenience and joy with out much bothering about its long term consequences. Even while being a Catholic you married a muslim knowing well that you have to live with him and raise your children as muslim.Now after 18-20 years you feel that living in Catholic faith is more nice and convenient and for that eventually you may be prepared even to abandon your hus and children if it comes to that.Let us say you succeed in this and start living a calm and contented Catholic life.After some years you will definitely find that,it is far better to live with your own loving children and grandchildren rather than an isolated life which by that time you would have found boring.

I don’t find fault with you.But this is the human tendency.To seek more convenience and happiness without bothering much about the probable long term consequences.
What you can do now is to forget for the time being about marrying your hus in christian faith or leaving them.Even if you can’t go to church/mass, try to live as far as possible the life a devoted catholic.Lots of prayers and bible reading.Let them slowly understand that you have determined to live a Catholic life but remains with them only due to your love towards them.May be,if your prayer is strong enough,God may convert not only your hus but children also to christian faith…
 
Please understand. I have been a sinner for a long time. I isolated myself from my family (extended) and my faith is not convenience. In fact, it has been the very opposite of this. I know every time I go against his wishes, there will be violence. He is a violent man. Isolation came from shame and his actions followed by depression and suicidal thoughts. Yet my faith has saved me. I dont expect anyone to understand. It is not convenience. It is not happiness. Staying with my husband has been convenience. It is easier to stay than to leave. Easier to lie and pretend I dont believe. Easier to just remain unmarried, continue the way it has always been.

Through my faith, I was forced to reevaluate my life and change the way I think. I didnt even want to wait for marriage. I didnt want to live as brother and sister. Yet I do and I could do this for the rest of my life. I think my faith has given me strength to see what has been going on. I dont blame his religion. My children are Muslim and I am happy they are believers. The talk of conversion came before I learnt what the Catechism of the Church stated in regards to Muslims. That gave me some peace of mind. However, I have said I wont convert them (how? I cant baptize them myself) or talk about my beliefs ( he doesnt allow me to, has instructed them not to listen) but if I cant marry him if I dont make the promise. I cant marry him if he doesnt attend the preparation course (which is not so much religious and more like advice for couples, information) So, what can I do then… i dont think he will accept me living here with him as his sister. That is the problem.

I cant say this to my extended family. They believe a lie, everything is great as far as they know. They are happy to have me back in their lives. I do fantasize about leaving. Taking my children with me. Every time I try to be at peace, there are problems. Trust me that I would never force conversion on them. Even if I took them with me, to a new safe place. They are old enough to choose and think. They are 16. I would continue sharing my faith with them, however. I do need to make the promise and keep it: do what is possible. I will do that. Right now, what is possible is only prayer. My confirmation saint is St Monica.
 
OP, what does your pastor say? He is familiar with the situation in your country.
 
Just a thought on the children. Are they adults? Teens?

The promise is to do all in your power to raise your children Catholic. I’m not sure it includes converting them when they have already been raised Muslim.

I mean, a this point all you can do to fulfill your obligation would be to pray.
 
So one of your immediate concern appears to be that you want to live with him,till he marry you in christian faith,as sister for which he is not ready.
As sister ,you simply mean you don’t want s- with him .Otherwise, no difference as we know by our own experience of living with one’s sister.
I won’t agree with your stand.After marrying a person you loved and spending your youth with him and raising children,it is not fair or reasonable on your part to suddenly change your mind .That us why I said be patient till he marries you in the christian way.Rest assured that you are not committing any sin by continuing to live with him as wife.
But tell frankly,are you really fed up with him and this sudden love to become Catholic stems from that feeling? In that case there are so many legal options for you and the you need not bother about pre marriage courses etc.
 
I am sorry but are you Catholic? This is not ok. It is a sin. If he has been with me for so many years, and he is not willing to do this for me, it denotes how little he cares for me or what happens to our family. I feel he does not love me. My only hope is he could marry me and that my children could visit my family for the first time in their lives. I wanted to do a small gathering with them all. They were all so thankful to have me back in their lives and so was I. Till he changed his mind. Maybe he didnt understand the promise I had to make. Because before I spoke to my family, I talked with him and he agreed he could do this. Trust me, I have stayed in this marriage for years. Endured physical violence too. I wish he could just understand how difficult it would be to convert them in reality. So, no it is not something realistically expect to happen but I am certain a priest wont marry us if my husband doesnt seem willing to do these basic requirements.
 
This is not what you want to hear, but maybe it is for the best he does not marry you in the Catholic Church. He is physically violent to you, has isolated you away from your family and is threatening to have you locked up for discussing your religious beliefs. I don’t know where you live but I assume from what you’ve said there is very little in the way of help for domestic violence. You really don’t want to tie yourself to him any further.

Holly, this man is an abuser. I’m so sorry you’re in this relationship. Is there anyone or any service you could access which could help you?
 
I think I have been blind and try to avoid seeing this. I want to have a family. But how?
 
Flagged. Don’t ever refer to domestic violence as a “minor problem”, ever. How utterly vile.

@Holly, domestic violence is not “minor”. This is serious and you do not deserve to be attacked by the man who is supposed to love you. Please, leave him. Don’t get even more intertwined with him by marrying him in the Catholic Church. I know you want a family, but as it stands he is not a good person. Most likely you will have to put that out of your mind. Focus on your own safety, and the safety of your children.
 
joseie said:
Not special for you.Just consider how many people are dying each day due to starvation, illness ,accidents etc and that too may be due to none of their faults or wrong doing.Feel yourself lucky that you have only this minor problem…
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Are you kidding me? Seriously?

I’ve lived in Saudi Arabia. I know what goes on over there. I have a feeling this woman isn’t in Saudi, but she very well may be. I’d suggest you stop now while you’re ahead.

Domestic violence is never a minor problem. It’s pretty easy to armchair quarterback, isn’t it?
 
No, she needs to go to the US Embassy if she can (or the embassy/consulate of whatever country she’s a citizen of). She is not in a country where a priest can do much good.

OP, can you get to the consulate/embassy? If you’re not American I apologize for assuming you are.
 
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I don’t think she can leave a Muslim man in a Muslim country and expect to take her children with her. I have met people in real life with the same situation - she Christian, he Muslim - and she knew of other cases. It is not just him be violent (he is entitled to in their society) it is also the family who will never allow the children to be anything but Muslim. This colleague of mine also did not know of any case in which he would even consider converting to Christianity.
I think the best the OP can get in this case for her is a divorce from him (it will be hard to get one too) but this will mean she loses her children and is out of their life.
I pray for the OP that someone in the Church where she is gets some courage from God to help her. From what it looks like she is also very lonely there if not even the Church is considering converting anyone out of fear.
I also pray God protects her and her children and sends some comfort to her.
We may be shocked when reading this but the situation is quite average in the Muslim world especially in mixed marriages. You need a friend, it would be ideal if this friend would be a priest or someone in the Church who may have some connections there to be able to shelter you in that society.
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
 
joseie said:
Domestic violence,cruel behavior etc are there in many households.
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I have to add that in some Middle Eastern and Islamic countries (as not all Islamic countries are in the Middle East), killing your wife because you feel she has dishonored you is one hundred percent legal.

So stop.
 
Thank you everyone. These messages do give me courage. I have endured because of my children. I have loved him but I feel he does not love me back. In a strange way, everything that has been changing in my life has been for the best. Even this, though it feels painful, I am certain is for the best. The Church has become my second home.

I am scared to say the countries involved. It isn’t safe in my experience. But I don’t blame his religion. My sons are different and they are Muslims too. I will try to see a priest as soon as I can. I am not sure I can involve the embassy. I am not sure what I will do yet. I will talk to a priest and go from there. Perhaps I will talk to my family members too. I have avoided sharing with them.

Again, thank you so much for all your replies. They mean so much to me.
 
About ‘domestic violence and cruel behaviour’ I said on which many raised objection,let me clarify:
In the OP this was not the basic issue.Of course she mentioned that she had been physically stopped her from going to church.Then in the subsequent post she said that she stayed in this marriage for years and endured physical violence too. This much only about the domestic violence she said.On this she does not have any complaint.So no need to instigate her on this account and in this back ground only I made the comment.

But the responses to this would appear as if the main issue in the OP is whether she should continue to suffer or not the extreme domestic violence she is undergoing and I just said that,it is ok,suffer!
For those who still feel that this clarification is not acceptable,I tender unconditional apology!.
 
People who are subjected to violent abusive behavior tend to close up to themselves and not admit easily what is bothering them.
joseie said:
But the responses to this would appear as if the main issue in the OP is whether she should continue to suffer or not the extreme domestic violence she is undergoing and I just said that,it is ok,suffer!
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But she did ask about this too, in the original post:
Holly said:
I am so lost.

We are living as brother and sister because I wanted to wait until we could marry in the Catholic Church. But now, it seems it wont happen. Should I just give in?
Should I walk away?
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