Internet dating, extra marital affair, mental health

[Leoni1]

I met a catholic man on an internet dating site, we developed an emotional relationship.
We met up once and had sex. I found out two months later he was married. I was devastated and told him we had to finish it. He wanted me to be his mistress and I said no. After 7 months I broke it off totally a month after I ceased all connection with him as I was concerned about his psychological state. When I made contact a month later he sounded stressed and I felt as though I wanted to help him until he was back on the mend. He said he had couple counselling and individual counselling. I told him I would not make contact with him but left my number available should be be desperately in need of support. He had two bad times after then and text me, he was having panic and anxiety, concerns that I would contact his wife and tell her, he worried he would loose his job. When I asked him if he had told his wife and asked for forgiveness he said no. He said that he had been advised that if he were to do that it could cause his wife pain and, although help relieve his guilt would not help the matter. He said he wanted to be a better man and asked if I would allow him to start a fresh. Of course I said yes, but he contacted me again two weeks later and asked the same thing. I feel a mixture of emotions about the whole thing. He lied to me and I forgave him and offered my help to support him. I think he is feeling guilty and is reaching out to me as his guilt is causing him extreme stress and anxiety that his wife will find out. So now that is causing me anxiety. I can not understand why a therapist would tell him that it would be advisable not to tell his wife because it would cause too much pain when 1] He is full of guilt and carrying it . 2) His guilt is driving him to keep contacting me to ensure I dont say anything to his wife (even though I have told him I wont. 3) He lies to his wife to prevent causing her pain but tells me the truth even though it causes me pain. I am struggling here to make sense of this all. Why should he not tell his wife and ask for forgiveness? I have forgiven him why cant she?

 

[Lara]

You’re barking up the wrong tree. You need to let this man go in every sense of the word. The phone number to send him if he panics and texts you is the help line for the nearest mental health care provider/suicide hotline. Cease all contact for all time.

You also need to forgive yourself. You couldn’t have known he was married. You made a mistake by sleeping with him, married or presumed not married. But there is always forgiveness from God if you go to Confession. If you are not Catholic, you could check with a priest just to see what’s best. If I were not Catholic, I’d say, “Sorry Lord, I messed up. Please forgive me.”

Then do better and forget the past. If this man’s name comes up in your head, say, “That was the past. I’ve moved on.”

 

[Lou2U]

Lara is absolutely right. Being in contact with this man is causing you anxiety; he isn’t worth it. He’s still using you as an emotional crutch, which isn’t fair on either you or his wife. Step back, cut contact and let him make his own decisions about what to do with his guilt.

 

[blackforest]

I told him I would not make contact with him but left my number available should be be desperately in need of support.

In other words, you won’t contact him, but he can contact you anytime? I’m not clear as to what this arrangement accomplishes . . . I guess I’m wondering why, after the affair, you voluntarily stepped into this role of helper/rescuer, especially when he already has a therapist and therefore clearly knows how to seek help elsewhere.

You don’t have to answer me here online, but that might be a question worth exploring for yourself.

I suspect he’s getting some kind of “fix” or void-filling from you, so he’s likely using you and manipulating you into staying in his life.

I have forgiven him why cant she?

Healing a broken marriage can rightfully take a long time because the trust has been destroyed. (And trust doesn’t always come with forgiveness. I can forgive someone who steals my wallet, but you can be darn sure I won’t leave it out in the open again).

This sounds like a toxic situation, and I suggest a cold-turkey cut-off. He won’t let go easily, though. It may require changing your number and going no-contact with him. If he threatens you with suicide, don’t mess around. Take it seriously and call 911.

Your profile says that you’re Catholic. Your next order of business is to see your priest in confession. He will tell you where to go from here.

 

[VanitasVanitatum]

Why should he not tell his wife and ask for forgiveness? I have forgiven him why cant she?

Her position is much different than yours.

1] He is full of guilt and carrying it . 2) His guilt is driving him to keep contacting me to ensure I dont say anything to his wife (even though I have told him I wont. 3) He lies to his wife to prevent causing her pain but tells me the truth even though it causes me pain.

He will have to bear that for his wife’s sake which seems a bit fair. Maybe after sometime he will not think about it too frequently and it will stop bothering him.

 

[DeniseNY]

You really need to cut off all contact with him immediately. He’s reaching out to you to save his own hide. He’s afraid you’ll tell his wife. Laying all his guilt and anxiety at your feet like they are your issues to fix is also really selfish of him. Let this go. The problems between him and his wife are really just that - between him and his wife.

 

[ewohdrol]

Why should he not tell his wife and ask for forgiveness? I have forgiven him why cant she?

Oh please! Cry me a river.

He didn’t cheat on you. You didn’t even know he was married.

He did break vows with his wife. He is still cheating on her by texting you. You think the only person he can possibly reach out to when he is anxious is the woman he has sex with? Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?

Plus he is a liar. To her and you.

Stop feeling sorry for a blatant cheater. You are feeding his ego

 

[Leoni1]

Thank you for all your advice. I needed this to see that I need to cut the cord with this man. I am too caring that’s all and I should toughen up a bit. I will go to confession I think it will help.

 

[Inquiry]

Yes, go to confession. No, you aren’t too caring.

Caring is not a fault, and you aren’t cutting ties because you don’t care. You are cutting ties because what you were doing wasn’t healthy for either of you. Don’t give up a virtue because of someone else’s sin.

Mark Twain had a great line: We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

 

[1ke]

Cease contact with this man and get into therapy to get to the bottom of why you would get yourself into an affair with a married man in the first place. And why you felt the need to “help him” and give him your number in case he needed help and shoulder to cry on.

It doesn’t matter what his therapist told him or why. You need him out of your life. Block him if you must. Do not be his friend. You are not his friend.

 

[Mi_Rose]

More to the point he is not your friend. He is a married man who used you. How many other women has he used? And if he told you none, how do you know? If he lied to her about cheating with you you know hes a liar.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Block his number.

No contact. Pray for his family every day, maybe have a Mass said for them.

He is literally not any concern of yours, other than the way we pray for all mankind.

 

[Vico]

… When I asked him if he had told his wife and asked for forgiveness he said no. He said that he had been advised that if he were to do that it could cause his wife pain and, although help relieve his guilt would not help the matter. …

If it is a valid Catholic marriage, then for adultery, the wronged spouse (sometimes) has the right to separation, without breaking the bond.

CIC

Canon 1152.1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.

Canon 1154 When a separation of spouses has taken place, provision is always, and in good time, to be made for the due maintenance and upbringing of the children.

 

[Patri]

Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.

I had no idea one could separate for adultery. I thought we had to stay in the marriage, forgive and rebuild it.

 

[Vico]

Vico:

Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.

I had no idea one could separate for adultery. I thought we had to stay in the marriage, forgive and rebuild it.

The other two sections of Canon 1152 are:

Canon 1152
§2. Tacit condonation exists if the innocent spouse has had marital relations voluntarily with the other spouse after having become certain of the adultery. It is presumed, moreover, if the spouse observed conjugal living for six months and did not make recourse to the ecclesiastical or civil authority.
§3. If the innocent spouse has severed conjugal living voluntarily, the spouse is to introduce a cause for separation within six months to the competent ecclesiastical authority which, after having investigated all the circumstances, is to consider carefully whether the innocent spouse can be moved to forgive the fault and not to prolong the separation permanently.

 

[Leoni1]

I had no idea. This poses a problem as the innocent spouse has no idea about the affair and yet she is continuing as if nothing has happened.

 

[Irishmom2]

Please. Just stop acting like you are the wronged party here. He was wrong and you were wrong. The wife is blameless. He was correct when he was advised to deal with his own guilt and not burden her with it.

Leave them alone and get on with your own life, including counseling for your own issues in pretending you are just trying to help him, when in reality you just continued to enable his behavior.

Go to confession and continue on with your life without ever contacting or answering his calls again.

You might want to take your name off your profile…

 

[Emeraldlady]

He wanted me to be his mistress

I cannot think of any worse character to be associated with. I’m guessing that you are still very emotionally tied to him and that will be hard to get through but you must. I know a person who has lived in this harrowing limbo for nearly 20 years. I feel so terribly sorry for her but she really thinks her life would be worse without this toxic situation. God bless.

 

[on_the_hill]

You’re not too caring. You’re afraid to make the break.

Walk away and never look back. He’ll get over you and find someone else to take advantage of.

 

[Leoni1]

I have moved on … I was trying to help him and I Lol when you said you think I am taking advantage of him … quite the opposite in fact. I didn’t expect that comment oh and Leoni is not my real name of course. I have to hide my identity so as to ensure it doesn’t get out!