Introduction to Boyfriend

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dannyd4007

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My wife and I have been separated for almost a year and have been divorced for maybe 2 months.

A few weeks ago she tells me she is dating and now today she tells me she male"friend" visiting from out of town.

She mentions how he is going to be at all the children’s games. We have 5 kids and she wants me to make idle “chit-chat” with him.

How do I even approach this.

Do I have to go and even make idle chit chat
She must have been seeing this guy during out separation.

I am rather upset she is introducing him to the children like this.
I really don’t have any desire to meet him either.
I am very much a practicing Catholic and I don’t believe in this.

Help me figure out how I can approach this.
Not only with children, but with myself.
 
dannyd4007 said:
My wife and I have been separated for almost a year and have been divorced for maybe 2 months.

A few weeks ago she tells me she is dating and now today she tells me she male"friend" visiting from out of town.

She mentions how he is going to be at all the children’s games. We have 5 kids and she wants me to make idle “chit-chat” with him.

How do I even approach this.

Do I have to go and even make idle chit chat
She must have been seeing this guy during out separation.

I am rather upset she is introducing him to the children like this.
I really don’t have any desire to meet him either.
I am very much a practicing Catholic and I don’t believe in this.

Help me figure out how I can approach this.
Not only with children, but with myself.
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Yikes man! That’s rough. With a divorce final for only two months is be incredibly protective of the children. You should be polite and cordial however you have no obligation to have slept chit chat with him. I can’t imagine the pain that you might be feeling. I’m sorry for you and your family. Stay strong!
 
dannyd4007 said:
My wife and I have been separated for almost a year and have been divorced for maybe 2 months.

A few weeks ago she tells me she is dating and now today she tells me she male"friend" visiting from out of town.

She mentions how he is going to be at all the children’s games. We have 5 kids and she wants me to make idle “chit-chat” with him.

How do I even approach this.

Do I have to go and even make idle chit chat
She must have been seeing this guy during out separation.

I am rather upset she is introducing him to the children like this.
I really don’t have any desire to meet him either.
I am very much a practicing Catholic and I don’t believe in this.

Help me figure out how I can approach this.
Not only with children, but with myself.
Click to expand...
I wonder if your wife’s boyfriend could possibly be working full-time if he can make all of your children’s games? That’s a pretty tall order for an actual working adult.

I suggest you have a look at www.chumplady.com–it’s a community of spouses of cheaters. It’s mostly women, but there are some male members, too.

Here’s the archive on children and infidelity:

chumplady.com/category/children-and-infidelity/

The site is a lot to handle in large doses (and there’s bad language), but I think you’ll find some helpful stuff in the archives.

Best wishes!
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Yikes man! That’s rough. With a divorce final for only two months is be incredibly protective of the children. You should be polite and cordial however you have no obligation to have slept chit chat with him. I can’t imagine the pain that you might be feeling. I’m sorry for you and your family. Stay strong!
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Yeah–I forgot to mention that.

You don’t have to say anything beyond, “Hello” and maybe “Goodbye” if you are feeling very friendly. You don’t have to be chums.

I did a search at Chump Lady for “cheater wants to be friends” and found some stuff you might find helpful:

chumplady.com/?s=cheater+wants+to+be+friends
 
dannyd4007 said:
…she wants me to make idle “chit-chat” with him.

How do I even approach this.
…
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Her wants and desires, particularly if she wanted the divorce, fall under the category of
‘Not My Problem’. They are not your concern as you were fired from that responsibility. You were also fired from being any kind of mediator in your kids relationship with your wife. Do not interfere, as they may blame you down the road if things don’t go well. Let them establish/maintain their relationship and you stay out if it.

Explain to her that you will act in the best interests of the kids. You are under no obligation to her other than to pray for her soul. In that vane- I would say you are obligated to be polite. I would not, and you certainly don’t need to be chummy with someone who is cooperating with your wife in doing something you’re teaching your children is immoral, but I’m assuming there’s been no declaration of nullity.

Bottom line, consider what best supports your children’s interests and follow that course of action.

As I told my kids in dealing with their mother’s choices- I can not expect or demand you respect things you have been raised to believe are not respectable. But that is not an excuse to be rude.

My wife has been pushing my kids to be more accepting of her current boyfriend. Brought him to my son’s high school graduation. Brought him to assist in moving my son into his college dorm about 500 miles from where we live. My daughters think this is ludicrous, but, given I will do what is in my son’s best interest I sat next to the boyfriend during the graduation. We saved ex seats as we were early and got particularly good ones and my son wanted his mom to be there, and see it from a good vantage point. Spoke a bit to him during the dorm move in so things wouldn’t be any more awkward than they were . In each case, my son was surprised the bf was there, but son is easy going, doesn’t want his mom upset and figures it’s easier to go along vice cause a scene. He’s learned that if he ever wants his mom at something by herself-- he’ll tell her in no uncertain terms up front.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Her wants and desires, particularly if she wanted the divorce, fall under the category of
‘Not My Problem’. They are not your concern as you were fired from that responsibility. You were also fired from being any kind of mediator in your kids relationship with your wife. Do not interfere, as they may blame you down the road if things don’t go well. Let them establish/maintain their relationship and you stay out if it.

Explain to her that you will act in the best interests of the kids. You are under no obligation to her other than to pray for her soul. In that vane- I would say you are obligated to be polite. I would not, and you certainly don’t need to be chummy with someone who is cooperating with your wife in doing something you’re teaching your children is immoral, but I’m assuming there’s been no declaration of nullity.

Bottom line, consider what best supports your children’s interests and follow that course of action.

As I told my kids in dealing with their mother’s choices- I can not expect or demand you respect things you have been raised to believe are not respectable. But that is not an excuse to be rude.

My wife has been pushing my kids to be more accepting of her current boyfriend. Brought him to my son’s high school graduation. Brought him to assist in moving my son into his college dorm about 500 miles from where we live. My daughters think this is ludicrous, but, given I will do what is in my son’s best interest I sat next to the boyfriend during the graduation. We saved ex seats as we were early and got particularly good ones and my son wanted his mom to be there, and see it from a good vantage point. Spoke a bit to him during the dorm move in so things wouldn’t be any more awkward than they were . In each case, my son was surprised the bf was there, but son is easy going, doesn’t want his mom upset and figures it’s easier to go along vice cause a scene. He’s learned that if he ever wants his mom at something by herself-- he’ll tell her in no uncertain terms up front.
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Your kids are very lucky to have you.
 
**Here is her exact message. Mind you she has not talked with me about this at all. **

*I have a friend visiting from out of town this week. He’ll be at the games with me every night this week, and he is going to the Poplar Run with the kids and me Saturday. The kids and I have talked about this and they know and they are fine with it. I have had conversations with them and answered their questions and made all the boundaries clear. They know not to make a big deal out of it and that you are their dad and that will never change. I have made it clear that just because there is a man around doesn’t mean anything big or dramatic is happening. They have met this development with curiosity and a shrug, and they are fine. They will be concerned about your reaction and if this will change our friendly dynamics. I certainly hope you can hang at your kids’ games and make some light chit chat and show them that this is not a big deal. Which it is not.

I know you have wanted to reconcile and you have expended a lot of energy and attention toward the hope of a reconciliation. However, I have never wanted to reconcile, but I have worked very hard to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents with no motivation other than true sincerity toward you and making sure we do what is in the best interests and well-being of our kids. I hope that even with this new development, you can still take the high road and continue to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents as well. I am not really asking for further communication on this, just letting you know. You know that your kids will be watching your reaction and it needs to be a reaction that is in their best interest, whatever your actual feelings about the situation.*
 
dannyd4007 said:
**Here is her exact message. Mind you she has not talked with me about this at all. **

*I have a friend visiting from out of town this week. He’ll be at the games with me every night this week, and he is going to the Poplar Run with the kids and me Saturday. The kids and I have talked about this and they know and they are fine with it. I have had conversations with them and answered their questions and made all the boundaries clear. They know not to make a big deal out of it and that you are their dad and that will never change. I have made it clear that just because there is a man around doesn’t mean anything big or dramatic is happening. They have met this development with curiosity and a shrug, and they are fine. They will be concerned about your reaction and if this will change our friendly dynamics. I certainly hope you can hang at your kids’ games and make some light chit chat and show them that this is not a big deal. Which it is not.

I know you have wanted to reconcile and you have expended a lot of energy and attention toward the hope of a reconciliation. However, I have never wanted to reconcile, but I have worked very hard to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents with no motivation other than true sincerity toward you and making sure we do what is in the best interests and well-being of our kids. I hope that even with this new development, you can still take the high road and continue to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents as well. I am not really asking for further communication on this, just letting you know. You know that your kids will be watching your reaction and it needs to be a reaction that is in their best interest, whatever your actual feelings about the situation.*
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When one parent makes unilateral decisions, informs the other parent after all it is a fait accompli, and then hides behind “you need to do what’s in the best interest of the children” there is NO co-parenting going on.

What IS going on is your ex manipulating the situation so that if you have any reasonable objections, or assert yourself in opposition to what she has already decided, you are painted as the bad guy.

I have no advice, because what I would do isn’t fit to print.
 
dannyd4007 said:
**Here is her exact message. Mind you she has not talked with me about this at all. **

*I have a friend visiting from out of town this week. He’ll be at the games with me every night this week, and he is going to the Poplar Run with the kids and me Saturday. The kids and I have talked about this and they know and they are fine with it. I have had conversations with them and answered their questions and made all the boundaries clear. They know not to make a big deal out of it and that you are their dad and that will never change. I have made it clear that just because there is a man around doesn’t mean anything big or dramatic is happening. They have met this development with curiosity and a shrug, and they are fine. They will be concerned about your reaction and if this will change our friendly dynamics. I certainly hope you can hang at your kids’ games and make some light chit chat and show them that this is not a big deal. Which it is not.

Maybe it is not a big deal to her, but I am sure it is to you. Quite presumptuous of her to think its no big deal to your kids. How old are they if you don’t mind me asking?*

I know you have wanted to reconcile and you have expended a lot of energy and attention toward the hope of a reconciliation. However, I have never wanted to reconcile, but I have worked very hard to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents with no motivation other than true sincerity toward you and making sure we do what is in the best interests and well-being of our kids. I hope that even with this new development, you can still take the high road and continue to nurture our relationship as friends Is that what she thinks you are? Her friend? and co-parents as well. I am not really asking for further communication on this, Of course not, she gets to speak her little spiel and you should just listen and not say anything, according to her. just letting you know. You know that your kids will be watching your reaction and it needs to be a reaction that is in their best interest, It sounds like she cares only about what is in her best interest. And that is, that you shouldn’t rock the boat. whatever your actual feelings about the situation. Thats right, more of who cares how you feel, it’s all about her. .
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I am sorry that you are going through this. Your ex sounds and acts like a very selfish woman. She sounds like she is trying to make you be quiet and cordial, not for your children’s sakes, but for her convenience.

I wouldn’t try to make small talk beyond hello. I wouldn’t sit with them. Why should your kids think this is normal behavior? It’s not. She is acting like she is remarried or something. Even if she were, it is not up to you to follow her rules to make her life easier.
 
It’s ok for her to do it, but it’s not ok for you to do it. She is obviously not doing what’s in the best interest of the children. How is it that she doesn’t see this? She has fooled herself into believing the kids are okay with it. Then uses them as leverage.

Wow, what a mess. I think I* would* have a chit chat with her bf.

You should inform him that you are not a co-parent. You are the father; and you will fulfill that role. And you take the well being of your children VERY seriously. Also, even though your ex (his new gf) doesn’t see the harm in bringing a strange man into the picture so early, you do, and are very sensitive to any repercussions it may have on your relationship with your kids. And you look forward to seeing what positive influence he brings to your children since he has inserted himself in between them and their mother. And, of course, you’ll be at all of the kids events so you’ll forward to “chit chatting” with him at all of the kids’ events… {This is not easy to pull off, it requires complete emotional control on your part. Just a suggestion.}

He must be a real … to show up so soon after a divorce at someone else kids games.
 
dannyd4007 said:
**Here is her exact message. Mind you she has not talked with me about this at all. **

*I have a friend visiting from out of town this week. He’ll be at the games with me every night this week, and he is going to the Poplar Run with the kids and me Saturday. The kids and I have talked about this and they know and they are fine with it. I have had conversations with them and answered their questions and made all the boundaries clear. They know not to make a big deal out of it and that you are their dad and that will never change. I have made it clear that just because there is a man around doesn’t mean anything big or dramatic is happening. They have met this development with curiosity and a shrug, and they are fine. They will be concerned about your reaction and if this will change our friendly dynamics. I certainly hope you can hang at your kids’ games and make some light chit chat and show them that this is not a big deal. Which it is not.

I know you have wanted to reconcile and you have expended a lot of energy and attention toward the hope of a reconciliation. However, I have never wanted to reconcile, but I have worked very hard to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents with no motivation other than true sincerity toward you and making sure we do what is in the best interests and well-being of our kids. I hope that even with this new development, you can still take the high road and continue to nurture our relationship as friends and co-parents as well. I am not really asking for further communication on this, just letting you know. You know that your kids will be watching your reaction and it needs to be a reaction that is in their best interest, whatever your actual feelings about the situation.*
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My response would probably be along the lines of this:

Dear So-and-so,

I continue to believe that what is in the children’s best interest is for them to be raised together by their natural parents. I definitely do not believe that it is in our children’s best interest for their mother to give the appearance of dating when she has been divorced for only two months and does not yet have an annulment. I do think this “development” is a big deal, and although I’ll never disparage you to our kids, I also do not intend to pretend that I am okay with a situation that I feel is wrong.

Sincerely,
Ex
 
It seems posts about recent divorces and wives with new boyfriends happen a lot around here. You could do a search–there are probably pages of replies that could augment whatever advice you get in your thread.

I don’t have any advice other than to ask your lawyer for guidance about how to handle any custody arrangements
 
Xantippe said:
Your kids are very lucky to have you.
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Thank you. I truly have to credit the Holy Spirit, in the midst of all the confusion and pain I found myself praying for guidance often and believe those prayers were answered.
 
1ke said:
When one parent makes unilateral decisions, informs the other parent after all it is a fait accompli, and then hides behind “you need to do what’s in the best interest of the children” there is NO co-parenting going on.

What IS going on is your ex manipulating the situation so that if you have any reasonable objections, or assert yourself in opposition to what she has already decided, you are painted as the bad guy.

I have no advice, because what I would do isn’t fit to print.
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Good response.

However. I am cordial with my ex. I do not consider her a friend, because what she has done has hurt the kids, has confused them and weakened their faith, cast doubt on the teachings of the church. I do not hate her. I can be around her. But she is not a friend. I can not consider someone to be a friend who has hurt my kids-- even if that person is their mother.

However, kids do need a relationship with their mother, and you do not have a right to interfere with it, just as it is not your responsibility to be a mediator for their mother or a defender of her choices. If they ask you about something regarding her, direct them to take those questions directly to their mother. Do not answer for her. Not even to provide assurance that she loves them. As they grow and understand the marriage vow-- to love-- they will understand that vow was broken, it casts doubt on the words from parents about love. Children will judge your love, your ability to love based on your actions and ignore your words.

I would recommend you contemplate what you consider to be a friend and whether your wife meets that criteria.

ETA: Sorry, I don’t know how old your kids are. But if they’re old enough to know the church’s teaching about marriage- Do not be a hypocrite by stating or implying by your actions that this is ok. It is not something you can change. We are all sinners and make bad decisions at times. Be polite, but do not appear to approve or endorse this. If your kids aren’t old enough to understand about the requirements for an annulment, I wouldn’t bring it up. If you continue to educate them in the faith they may actually wonder and ask whether there was an annulment. The appropriate response would be, that is something you should address with your mother. Do not speak ill of her.
 
Thank you all. There are 5 children 18, 16, 14, 12 and 10.

I saw them tonight from afar, but did not go over or even say hi.

I am praying to God for guidance. I have no clue if I should say anything about my disgust for the situation or just say nothing.

I really feel like I am parenting alone now.

God bless
 
dannyd4007 said:
Thank you all. There are 5 children 18, 16, 14, 12 and 10.

I saw them tonight from afar, but did not go over or even say hi.

I am praying to God for guidance. I have no clue if I should say anything about my disgust for the situation or just say nothing.

I really feel like I am parenting alone now.

God bless
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My heart hurts reading this.

I hope you can find a way to be able to go over and hug your kids and talk to them rather than just seeing them from afar. I am sure that. despite what your ex says, they are hurting and they don’t feel as well as she would have you believe.

They love you and they need you. Knowing you were there and watching from afar was probably very painful for them. If I were you, next time I would go over to my kids and talk to them. I would let them know I am there for them and that I will be sitting in the other area cheering them on.

You have no idea what your selfish ex and her boyfriend will tell them if you go and don’t even speak to your kids. As for saying anything to your ex and her new boyfriend, I would give a nod or a wave only and focus only on my kids.

It’s going to be hard, but pray yourself up before the next time you see them. Ask God to sift your words and to help you have your emotions in check.
 
Thanks everyone!

I appreciate your support as the week moves on. Well my teenage daughter could tell last night I was wiped out sent a text to her mom. Not sure what it said, but she came back this morning texts firing. Not sure what was said, but it didn’t need to be much I am sure. She was probably looking for an excuse to fire off upset texts to me saying she is taking all the blame about my emotional state and the marital problems. I am just a victim.

I sent her back a short text that basically said I walk hand in hand in our marital problems, but the one thing I will NOT take ownership in is the divorce.

I did not go over and meet the man last night and really seemed to be no big deal to my children at least not at that time. This morning my daughter lets it slip out who the guy is. It is someone who she met over a year ago who is a “friend”. Which is good to know actually, because this is obviously someone she has kept in touch with during this last year while the separation was happening. So if he is just a “FRIEND” (now please people I am not stupid, but remember this is being communicated to children) I still have no problem not extending my hand, because what friend would allow you to toss 5 children’s dreams down the drain.

So I am not sure how to play it this, there is only one place I am going to meet up with him and that may be Saturday. My daughter ask me to go on a fun run they will all be at. I have NO desire what so ever to make nice with this guy. What I want to say is YOU $%#&, and that is all I can up with.

Ha ha.

I also refuse to get in a battle with my wife about what is right and what is wrong. I figure it will come up you have all given me so much to go on. I have obviously am excellent about playing the role as the CHUMP, but really I am not sure how else God would want me to play it, her soul is too important to him.
 
It hurts my heart to read this thread. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation OP.

I will be praying for you and your family.
 
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