Introverted parents

[Eleanor61]

Well, maybe it’s true for a few, but I’d bet for the majority, it wouldn’t be. I know for me, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.

But the majority of people who have answered this question, all of them introverts, have said that it makes all the difference in the world. This advice is coming from people who don’t like adults, don’t like other people’s children, and prefer to be alone, not pleasant things to admit about oneself, and each of us has said that we found our own children to be a completely different experience. Why does this empirical evidence not matter but preconceived notions from people who don’t have children does? That is illogical.

A vocation to the married life implies a vocation to parenthood and the sacrament gives graces to that end. Some people find this easier than others, some are thrilled to be SAHMs and some continue their careers and find a way to balance things out. There are many ways to be a “good enough” mother, but they all require sacrifice of one kind or another. Sacrificing one’s private time and mental space is only one type of sacrifice. For others it may be financial, health, etc. . What else are we here for?

 

[4Families]

But the majority of people who have answered this question, all of them introverts, have said that it makes all the difference in the world. This advice is coming from people who don’t like adults, don’t like other people’s children, and prefer to be alone, not pleasant things to admit about oneself, and each of us has said that we found our own children to be a completely different experience. Why does this empirical evidence not matter but preconceived notions from people who don’t have children does? That is illogical.

A vocation to the married life implies a vocation to parenthood and the sacrament gives graces to that end. Some people find this easier than others, some are thrilled to be SAHMs and some continue their careers and find a way to balance things out. There are many ways to be a “good enough” mother, but they all require sacrifice of one kind or another. Sacrificing one’s private time and mental space is only one type of sacrifice. For others it may be financial, health, etc. . What else are we here for?

Very well said, Eleanor! I can add to the voices of those who were not crazy about kids in general but just love their own. Sorry if Night Hawk and the OP don’t agree, but it really truly is different, and we are speaking from experience.

I struggle, too, with social visits, even with people of a like mind, but you know, when I sense that another person is an introvert, I can relax a bit around them and make some very enjoyable small talk - at least I enjoy it! Maybe I’m really annoying them because they are even more introverted than I am.

Anyhow, there is an area where this has been very difficult for me. My teenage kids’ friends think I don’t like them, but it is because I am not all outgoing and friendly with them. I know it’s important for teenagers to be able to have their friends over, but when my kids do, I really feel less comfortable in my own home. It is, I suppose, a shortcoming that I need to keep working on. But I wouldn’t avoid having children just so I could avoid having their teenage friends over!

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The reason it is usually different with your own kids, is that your children are like an extension of yourself. They are part of that inner circle of comfort that an introvert draws so close to him/herself. If you’re already married, you might already experience that with your husband to a degree, but it is more so with your kids because they ARE you. (I know they’re not really, and that probably becomes more pronounced when they grow into adulthood, but it sure feels that way, and for most families, there is even biological truth to it)

So a quiet afternoon with only your spouse and children hanging around the house is much different than a quiet afternoon with several friends hanging around your house. For one, they really are like you - you are used to them like you are used to yourself. Also, there is no social pressure with your children like there is with friends. Your child may be playing near by, but you’re not always interacting. You don’t have to be “on” all the time.

I am an introvert, though probably not an extreme one. I do like some time to myself - meaning COMPLETELY myself. I often stay up after my dh goes to bed, and I cherish that time when the house is completely quiet except for the noise I am making. But I wouldn’t trade the noise and busy-ness of my house for anything. They’re not just children that make noise. They are amazing people that I find interesting and wonderful and lovable. And they love me completely. I just need to refresh sometimes.

That’s not to say that toddlerhood won’t be trying. It probably will be no matter what your personality type. I have found that more extroverted mothers take their children to the park frequently. I hate hanging out at the park with toddlers. Hate it. So guess what? I didn’t do it much. I did what I wanted to do. And my kids are just fine. Really, I have enjoyed them more than I thought I could enjoy children - because I’ve never really liked other people’s children all that much. But I had the feeling it would be different when they were my own, and I was right.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t really buy that “it’s different when they’re your own”. I think if you don’t like it when it’s someone else’s, you won’t like it when it’s yours. All that’s different when it’s your own is you have all the responsibilities.

I disagree. I think alot of people don’t care to be around other people’s ill-mannered little offspring but are perfectly fine around their own. There’s an obvious reason for that. If they’re YOUR kids, then you can teach them to follow YOUR rules and expectations, therefore making them better company for yourself. Other people’s children are their responsibility to discipline and they may not have the same boundaries you do. I am a teacher and I think my students are wonderful, but I often see other teachers’ lines in the hall and think, “Thank you Lord, for not putting that little punk in my class! I think I’d lose my mind!” Of course, I wouldn’t lose my mind. If the young man HAD been in my class, he would have learned my way of doing things and he wouldn’t be nearly so revolting to me. HIS teacher probably thinks he’s some sort of super-creative eccentric or something.

 

[NightHawk2005]

But the majority of people who have answered this question, all of them introverts, have said that it makes all the difference in the world. This advice is coming from people who don’t like adults, don’t like other people’s children, and prefer to be alone, not pleasant things to admit about oneself, and each of us has said that we found our own children to be a completely different experience. Why does this empirical evidence not matter but preconceived notions from people who don’t have children does? That is illogical.

Because I’ve seen and heard parents say it wasn’t different when it was their own, and this is the only place that I have seen anyone say it was. I have reason to suspect that it’s not completely truthful here either, because to say you resent your children is offensive to many Catholics, and nobody wants to bring that firestorm on themselves. That’s why I take that with several grains of salt. Listening to others explain it tells me that for most people, it’s not different when it’s your own.

 

[4Families]

I have reason to suspect that it’s not completely truthful here either, because to say you resent your children is offensive to many Catholics, and nobody wants to bring that firestorm on themselves…

Right… we’re not trying to help the OP, we are trying to trick her into having kids she won’t like! And then she can come on here and pretend to like her kids so that people who don’t know her and will never meet her will think more highly of her! You have us all figured out.

 

[Eleanor61]

Because I’ve seen and heard parents say it wasn’t different when it was their own, and this is the only place that I have seen anyone say it was. I have reason to suspect that it’s not completely truthful here either, because to say you resent your children is offensive to many Catholics, and nobody wants to bring that firestorm on themselves. That’s why I take that with several grains of salt. Listening to others explain it tells me that for most people, it’s not different when it’s your own.

Since most of the admittedly few people I know well are other Aspies or super introverts, I can tell you that this is by no means a Catholic thing. Most of the people I am speaking of are not Catholic, some are even pagans, wiccans, etc. ( when you homeschool and you don’t fit with the evangelicals, you meet unusual people!)
Some have said that they couldn’t handle a houseful, some have a houseful and find it stressful, but everyone said that they feel differently about their own, and they enjoy the company of their children enough to homeschool.

I totally agree about my teens having company over. I actually take a tranquilizer and try to hide and get the kids to serve snacks. I feel like a stranger in my own home, but the open floor plan makes it hard to hide. it is incredibly awkward, but I certainly don’t feel like that when it is just my kids, even the adult ones. I am even starting to relax around my son-in-law, but only just.

 

[Eleanor61]

Right… we’re not trying to help the OP, we are trying to trick her into having kids she won’t like! And then she can come on here and pretend to like her kids so that people who don’t know her and will never meet her will think more highly of her! You have us all figured out.

I think we have all just been called liars and that tends to make people with Asperger’s Syndome irrationally violent… Anyone care to join me in a virtual meltdown?