Is Avoiding/Refusing Marital Relations a Sin?

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By about the 3rd beer, a very good, long-time friend, confided that he has been avoiding/refusing his wife the marital act for some time. This coinsides with my wife’s communications with his wife (also a dear friend) about the same topic. According to my wife, she wants very much to resume at least, some kind of marital relations.

They’re both Catholic and married in the Church, years ago. They seem to love each other and take their marriage very seriously.

She has, well, sort-of let herself go, and he says he isn’t physically attracted to her. (Of course, HE looks just as young and hot, as he did 25 years ago.:rolleyes: ) He loves her, and has no intention of cheating or leaving her, but he just isn’t interested in relations with her.

Now, we’re on about the 5th beer by now, so I tell him that he is in serious mortal sin by refusing/avoiding his wife in that way. It doesn’t matter what you think she looks like, you still have to do it. It’s your job.

He said I was crazy, and that wasn’t a sin. I told him that he needed to go see Father, right away, for a good confession, and get ‘busy’. He won’t, since he’s sure I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Help me out, here. Am I crazy, or am I right?
 
I believe you are correct. Those two should go sit down with a priest and have a little chat to work things out.

Eamon
 
**2360 Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. **Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.
[2364](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/2364.htm’)😉 The married couple forms "the intimate partnership of life and love established by the Creator and governed by his laws; it is rooted in the conjugal covenant, that is, in their irrevocable personal consent." Both give themselves definitively and totally to one another. They are no longer two; from now on they form one flesh. The covenant they freely contracted imposes on the spouses the obligation to preserve it as unique and indissoluble.

[2349](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/2349.htm’)😉 ** Married people are called to live** conjugal chastity; others practice chastity in continence.

[2361](javascript:openWindow(‘cr/2361.htm’)😉 **“Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.”**143

Tobias got out of bed and said to Sarah, “Sister, get up, and let us pray and implore our Lord that he grant us mercy and safety.” So she got up, and they began to pray and implore that they might be kept safe. Tobias began by saying, “Blessed are you, O God of our fathers. . . . You made Adam, and for him you made his wife Eve as a helper and support. From the two of them the race of mankind has sprung. You said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; let us make a helper for him like himself.’ I now am taking this kinswoman of mine, not because of lust, but with sincerity. Grant that she and I may find mercy and that we may grow old together.” And they both said, “Amen, Amen.” Then they went to sleep for the night.***************************************************************
I would remind your friend that the body he so detests now is also HIS body. That when he rejects her, he rejects himself as well. Unless the two of them have made a MUTUAL decision to give up this aspect of their marital covenant, he is indeed denying her of her marital right unjustly and with no charity whatsoever.

He is also culpable, partially or totally, for whatever sin his wife is led to in dealing with this rejection. Masturbation is a mortal sin. Women tend to struggle more with emotional attraction, but this too is adultery of the heart. Your friend’s obligation, as her husband, is to give of himself totally and without reserve to insure that she can continue to fufill her vows to him and reject the temptation that surrounds all of us at one time or another.

Our marriage vows are not conditional. We freely give our personal consent to love exclusively and totally until we part through death. Chastity, for a married person, is practicing CONJUGAL LOVE. We also do not have any clauses in the marriage vows that include the exception of weight gain, physical deformity, stretch marks from child birth, wrinkles and whatever other sags and glorious aging marks that befall every one of our human bodies at one time or another.

Your friend should ask himself what sort of reaction he would expect from his wife if he were to suddenly become the victim of a horrible car accident, third degree burns or some other tragic disfigurement. What if he couldn’t work or support her and their family? What if he could no longer speak or share with her in the way she was used to and enjoyed receiving? Should she then just choose to make him his meals and do his laundry, but remove all of her affection and caring from the interaction? The idea of love being so conditional is absolutely ABSURD.

You are a good friend to defend the marriage in such a way. Continue to remain firm!! This poor woman is clearly suffering and her lunk of a husband needs a good kick in the butt.
 
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Princess_Abby:
…Your friend should ask himself what sort of reaction he would expect from his wife if he were to suddenly become the victim of a horrible car accident, third degree burns or some other tragic disfigurement…

…You are a good friend to defend the marriage in such a way. Continue to remain firm!! This poor woman is clearly suffering and her lunk of a husband needs a good kick in the butt.
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Thank you for such a thoughtful and insightful post that is packed with actual Church teaching. Very powerful stuff.

I’m hoping to email him a link to this thread when a few more posters have had a chance to weigh in. He’s really not such a bad guy…just a little thick, as we all can be, sometimes.

I know he loves his wife, very much, and she is not the type to complain. I’m confident that all he needs is a little bit of information to see just how blessed he really is. I’m thankful that this forum exists as a way to help us all lead our lives as Jesus taught us.
 
Brava, Abby!!!

That should be helpful to a lot of people, not just cargopilot’s friend.

I have nothing to add to that, except that as people get older, it does get harder to keep off the pounds. Maybe he’d like to suggest his bride of several years accompany him on a walk in the evening, without the kids- without bringing up her appearance. So it’s, “Honey, let’s take a little walk together, just the two of us”; not, “Hey, you really could use the exercise, Chubby, let’s put a boot under it for twenty minutes, and you brats stay put or else.” I bet he could use a walk, too. Maybe they live near places that encourage walking, such as malls, museums, hiking trails, sidewalks, dirt roads? Then, they could walk together even more.

Perhaps he could find it in his wallet to give her a gift certificate to a day spa for a hair cut, manicure, or pedicure, even if he has to make a sacrifice himself. Perhaps he could learn to make some nutritious, easy-fix food and surprise her with supper (and clean up the kitchen, too).

Then perhaps he could do these things, and more, a couple times a week, or even something different every day. He could round up the kids and keep tabs on them while she takes time for herself, say maybe a nap and a bubble bath. He can take her out for coffee and a healthy dessert.

I have discovered over time that the conjugal embrace starts in the other rooms of the house, by loving through effort and sacrifice.

Hope that helps. I know you asked more about the sinful nature, but I hate to just leave it at that. Your friend needs to do a little work.
 
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OutinChgoburbs:
I have discovered over time that the conjugal embrace starts in the other rooms of the house, by loving through effort and sacrifice.
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I second this! I’m about 6 weeks away from delivering a baby and let me tell you, I’m sure I’m not looking my best these days. (Although, my DH does tell me he loves looking at a very pregnant Mommy who is his wife and mother of our two other young children.) Anyway, I love coming into a clean kitchen in the morning. I make dinner, he cleans it up. That’s the deal and he does a great job. Starts my day off right when I walk into a clean kitchen in the morning. He’s also been helping a LOT lately with the laundry as the steps are steep to the basement and I’m not really comfortable doing those stairs at this point. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, the more DH does to help me out, the easier time I have and the more apt I am to be most grateful and work hard at the other stuff, keeping myself looking nice, etc. because I love him and all the things he does for me and our family. Hope this helps. I’ll be praying for your friend and his family.
 
I have to say I loved the answers you all gave!!! Unfortunately Cargopilot not only is it a sin but it is also grounds for divorce. I know because that was part of the grounds of my divorce. Granted there was sooo much more to it but I was granted a divorce on the grounds of severe and prolonged mental cruelty which is because my ex-husband and I were married for 13 yrs and we had sex less than the number of fingers and toes on a human body. Sadly, I scheduled babies to have sex. Don’t get me wrong…I love my children and I truly did love my ex at the time but there were other problems that contributed to his refusal to have sex (mental problems) that I wasn’t capable of dealing with. Before everyone jumps on me about being married in sickness and in health…that wasn’t the whole problem so please don’t start. I am just making the point that refusal to have sex with your spouse is grounds for a divorce.
 
Great replies, I’m glad that they were the weak ones (beers).

Blest one, I can relate to what your saying and it took me a long time to come to that conclusion. I’m sorry for what you had to go through.
 
I showed my buddy this thread, along with this link dailycatholic.org/issue/2001Jan/jan19get.htm

containing this text from Sister Mary Lucy.

Have I unreasonably denied my spouse his or her right to the marital act?

When a couple contracts marriage, they give one another the uninterrupted, permanent, and continuous right to each other’s bodies. Spouses must strive to respond to the physical and emotional needs of one another. To refuse the marital act violates the physical needs of one of the spouses, thus placing him or her in the occasion of sin. … However, it also must be remembered that spouses cannot look upon each other merely as objects of use. There are times, then, when a married person, in consideration for their spouse’s inability to perform the sexual act, or their lack of desire to do so at a given moment, should say no to the desires of the body. In this situation, love and respect for the other would respond with a spirit of self-control.

This came from Sister Mary Lucy’s ‘Acute Awareness in Examining Our Consciences’ article, here. dailycatholic.org/issue/2001Jan/2001get.htm

At this point, I’m quite sure that he didn’t have the slightest idea he was commiting any sin…but NOW he does, so from here on out…http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif

Let’s just say that he might just go with me to see father, next Saturday.
 
Cargopilot–

Just curious…is the wife using artificial contraception, or has she (or he) been sterilized?

(Don’t everyone get excited now, just doing research in this area.)
 
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cargopilot:
Now, how’d that double post happen?

I hit ‘Submit Reply’
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I’ve had the same thing happen. It seems that if you get the “page cannot be displayed message,” you still often got the post in. I’ve had it happen a number of times. However, it often fails to add that thread to your subscription lists (if you have that option set in your profile) in that particular case.
 
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cargopilot:
… It doesn’t matter what you think she looks like, you still have to do it. It’s your job…
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Since when is making love to your spouse a “job”? :hmmm:
~ Kathy ~
 
I agree that a visit to a priest would be beneficial to your friend, but without him knowing that it was of grave matter, I don’t think it would be considered a mortal sin. After knowing all of this information now, it would be.

I pray that he and his wife can overcome this obstacle in their marriage. It is wonderful to explore the spiritual side of the sexual union and to begin to see it as it should be- a renewal of the marriage covenant. Hopefully he will be able to look at his wife with new eyes- the way God intended him to look at her. It is also important to see sex as a way to fulfill the spouse- avoid thinking of it solely for personal pleasure.

On a final thought, it is important for spouses to recognize the need to take care of themselves. After two pregnancies, I’ve worked hard to get my weight back down to when we got married, but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve needed and received my husband’s constant support and he’s never made me feel judged or that I wasn’t the most beautiful woman in his eyes. At the same time, he’s tried to be more health conscious as well. I’ve also recognized the benefits of making a visit to the salon every now and then, and I’ve joined a fitness center. He watches the kids twice a week so I can go work out and I actually enjoy it- it’s become my “me” time. If it’s possible, they can get fit together by going on bike rides, walks, whatever they both enjoy. Just some thoughts…🙂
 
Maybe that’s the problem, you stopped at 5 beers. An even 6 might have cleared up this guys vision problems.
 
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NFPfamily:
…it is important for spouses to recognize the need to take care of themselves. After two pregnancies, I’ve worked hard to get my weight back down to when we got married, but it hasn’t been easy. I’ve needed and received my husband’s constant support and he’s never made me feel judged or that I wasn’t the most beautiful woman in his eyes. At the same time, he’s tried to be more health conscious as well. I’ve also recognized the benefits of making a visit to the salon every now and then, and I’ve joined a fitness center. He watches the kids twice a week so I can go work out and I actually enjoy it- it’s become my “me” time…
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Great ideas and what a wonderful husband you have!
Some of the husbands reading this thread may not realize the amount of time, effort and money it can take for a woman to look attractive. While your wives may have once had that kind of extra time and money on their hands, they probably don’t now.

Mothers frequently feel guilty over everything. Getting away from the children just for a routine haircut makes some moms feel negligent, and she may see such basic maintenance as an unneccesary expense. Health club memberships can likewise be expensive, the child care there may be questionable and she’s probably already physically tired. Many women turn to food for comfort, (and the healthier foods often cost more than the junk) so the weight piles on too. But mothers should not feel guilty of vanity if they spend some time and money on their appearance for their husbands’ benefit, and a loving husband can provide far more comfort than food.

For any husband who is no longer physically attracted to his wfe, I’d suggest he take a clue from the above poster’s husband. Watch the children so she can get out for basic maintenance, and encourage her not to worry about the cost. To feel like dieting efforts are even worth it, a woman may need a jump start, such as a good hair cut and makeover; consider giving her a gift certificate to a salon and arranging a mom’s day off for her to use it If her aging body never returns to pre-pregnancy standards, try to find something attractive about her and focus on that. And make sure you provide loving support so she doesn’t have to turn to food to find comfort.
 
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