Is Avoiding/Refusing Marital Relations a Sin?

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There’s not much that’s more refreshing than a nice, cold, frothy glass of “tea” with your buds, after picking your way through 50,000 foot-tall thunderstorms, in the mountains, in icing conditions at night, topped of by some pesky electrical failures and a scary approach down to minimums. Every pilot I’ve ever known has asked for God’s help at least once, and thanked him for a safe arrival. It’s all in a day’s work for the lowly “trash-hauler”, I tell you what…

I can consider myself truly blessed. After a hard day ‘on the road’, my dear wife makes sure to be ‘available’, even when she might feel less than perfect, herself. Somehow, she can make all the fears and frustrations of a bad day just melt away.
 
No, we DON’T know the wife’s side of the story – just an outsider’s version of it.

No one knows what really goes on in a marriage except the spouses, despite whatever tipsy confidences might be exchanged by drinking buddies.
 
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MercedesBents:
No, we DON’T know the wife’s side of the story – just an outsider’s version of it.

No one knows what really goes on in a marriage except the spouses, despite whatever tipsy confidences might be exchanged by drinking buddies.
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Hey! I think I know you. Weren’t you my IRS auditor from a couple of years back?😉
 
I haven’t read all the posts on this thread in detail, but I didn’t see anything from the New Testament teachings I think are important.

First, I am not big on telling a person “that is a sin” especially in such an emotional issue such as sex, in that finding fault is not as powerful IMO as finding solutions to situations that are less than they could be, with God’s help. That said, here are a couple guidelines I’ve found useful:
1 Cor 7:
1 1 2 3 Now in regard to the matters about which you wrote: “It is a good thing for a man not to touch a woman,” 2 but because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife, and every woman her own husband.

3 The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband. 4 A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.

**5 Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control. **

6 This I say by way of concession, 4 however, not as a command. 7 Indeed, I wish everyone to be as I am, but each has a particular gift from God, 5 one of one kind and one of another. 8 6 Now to the unmarried and to widows, I say: it is a good thing for them to remain as they are, as I do, 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control they should marry, for it is better to marry than to be on fire.
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Sure, he is speaking of guidelines here and not commands perhaps, but notice he wrote, “return to one another, so that satan may not tempt you…” and NOT, “return to one another, in case satan may tempt you…”

It seems to me that marriage is part of the deal and depriving each other denies the other a right and even a duty to keep free from the passion that led us to become married in the first place.

This passage could cut both ways in the OP situation, as the one who has “let themselves go” need to understand that the body they let go is jointly owned. This is a tough one for me, as my wife has lost and kept off a great deal of weight and I maintain about 50 pounds more than I need. Still, though, I know that I have a responsibility to her for the condition my body is in just as much as I do to myself. If I got bigger and she had something to say about it, then I’d have to take her seriously and let her help me if possible. Of course, the only really good way to lose weight is through self-denial, and popular “methods” aren’t too good at that – this is why we look at it as a spiritual predicament at least as much as a medical issue.

Alan
 
First, I am not big on telling a person “that is a sin” especially in such an emotional issue such as sex, in that finding fault is not as powerful IMO as finding solutions to situations that are less than they could be, with God’s help.
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I’m not “big” on it either. It is a rather extreme response to be reserved for rather extreme situations. Lately the forums have been populated with extreme situations.

I don’t think it would be good for a spouse to quote 1 Corinthians ch7, v5 everytime their spouse didn’t feel in the mood. Normal, healthy marriages are going to see a fair amount of one spouse wanting, and the other spouse disinterested, on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis.

However, when 1 Corinthians 7 applies is when relations have bee refused for several months in a row. Or perhaps when one spouse takes on the air that marital relations are something to be “earned” by the other spouse.

To give you and others a brief run-down. In this particular thread, the husband lost interest in his wife, and it was the husband that was the refusenik. The tea-drinking hero of this tale told the husband (a devout Catholic) that this was a sin. The refusenik went to see a priest about this and was set on the right path. The tale ends happily with husband and wife enjoying intimate relations again.

Now some people cannot see the forest for the trees, and have chosen to antagonize our hero for his choice in beverage and his choice in methods. This is akin to criticizing St. George for using a spear instead of a sword to slay the dragon. ------ “Hey, People! The dragon is DEAD, what does it matter???”
 
Black Jaque:

You are quite the wit with the pen. Touche’ and all of the sword fighting, spear-slaying, plane flying, and Bible citing parlance that goes with it.

Superpilot, you are the ordinary extraordinary Catholic hero of the story, beer and all. Bravo!
 
You are quite the wit with the pen.
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Harrumph! Thar goes another compliment. I suppose there’s nothing unmanly about a writing ability. So I reckon… All I can say… is…(ulp)…Thanks!:o
 
This thread peaked my interest looking for answers to my own problems. I am recently married, 2 months, and am already having marital relations issues. Basically not satifying her and feeling guilty about it. I really don’t know what to do about it. Believe me we try and no matter what means we can’t get her *there. She gets frustrated and upset and I feel terrible that I can’t control myself long enough for her to enjoy it too. So we’ve just avoided to act for a couple of weeks, I just feel really down about everything, marriage, work, everything…
 
This is a great thread. I remember refusing my wife after we learned NFP because we were in the danger zone and I not only cheated myself out of the blessing of a child but caused my wife to have to go to confession. I then went to visit a priest on the subject and ended up going to confession. Your relationship changes when you realize your body is not your own.

Also, when your wife is your banquet table, you desire only her. Looking at photos of beautiful women – the sports illustrated web site is horrible because you get bikinis with your baseball – only invites impossible comparisons. Avoiding those images can help the way a woman (or a man) looks as much as candlelight. That is why all of our outlet should be focused on her.

I suggest to the newlywed that they just relax and learn together. Maybe plan a date and agree to abstain until then. Give her a long back/neck massage. Get some champagne – I don’t recommend five beers. When you get past this hurdle, your marriage will be much stronger.
 
Thanks 97! This is encouraging!! I have been doing a lot of pondering trying to find a root of this. I have always good custody of my eyes, I don’t know why but I have really never felt like I look at women with lust. And as far as the issue at hand goes, I am very attracted to my wife, everything about her she’s beautiful, I just have an overhanging guilt about not pleasing her. It’s like I know no matter how gung-ho we go about it, we never quite succeed and I just want to avoid frustrating her AGAIN!
 
Mister E.

It’s kind of funny how men seem to complain that it isn’t often enough, while women complain that it doesn’t last long enough.

Yet the irony is, that if a man makes love shortly after having recently made love he lasts longer. So if his wife is willing to engage in the act more often they will be rewarded later.

This may be noticed by couples practicing NFP. After a week of abstinance the first time may be disappointingly brief. But once the husband gets it out of his system so-to-speak he will last longer.
 
Thank you too, Black Jaque. That is nice to know, thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I really hope to get back on track. This is encouraging.
 
Crank up the volume and enjoy the VIDEO!

generationsforlife.org/2006/1…eden/#comments
An excerpt from Dawn’s forthcoming book, The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On, is available here.

Watching this video, I couldn’t help but make the connection with the abstinence educators’ symposium I attended yesterday. The symposium included an excellent talk on the importance of effective communication of the abstinence message by David Mahan — probably the most dynamic abstinence speaker I’ve ever heard — of Frontline Communications as well as a performance by a group of high school and college kids from the Chicago chapter of BreakDown.

The kids in BreakDown, David Mahan, Dawn Eden — none of them is anything like the tired old stereotype of the abstinence movement: the homely, puritanical, sex-hating, finger-wagging, “You’re going to hell if you have sex!”-preaching old biddy.

The new pro-life, pro-chastity generation is here. And it’s here to stay.
 
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