Is Avoiding/Refusing Marital Relations a Sin?

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I am absolutely stunned the things people “share” nowadays.
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Didymus,

Although I disagree about having a confidante other than your spouse, I know what you mean. I particularly get a chuckle on these boards or on Catholic Radio where someone will call in and give every last raunchy detail of their sinful lives. They will be advised that they should take it to confession. Then they gulp and say, “you mean I have to tell a priest?”.

:banghead: LOL!

“Ya just told national radio/posted it on the internet! Just tell your priest to listen to the repeat program/link your priest to the thread!!!”
 
Sometimes it is hard to feel like doing your marital duties when you know your husband has been looking at dirty pictures online. Cause you’re just so resentful.
 
There is also the problem of pop culture where “Prince Charming” knows exactly what to say and when to sweep a woman off her feet. In all honesty most of us men have trouble understanding what you guy are saying half the time! 😉 I’m not trying to say it’s ok for a man to look at dirty pictures, not at all. I’m just saying that just as the pictures he looks at represent an unrealistic aspect to realationships so does Bad Pitt.I know it’s bit of a cop out to blame pop culture but I see “Emotional Pornography” as just as damaging to marrages as traditional porn.
 
I guess I really have a problem. My wife and I only make love once a month, if even that. We have been married for 26 years, but lately, she doesn’t seem to want to be touched. She will stiffen up and pull away like she’s in a hurry to do something else. Also, I am a prostate cancer survivor, and the only way I can get an erection is shot of alprodstidol, which is sometimes painfull. We are happy and get along just fine, but this always seems to be hanging over our heads. And with the removal of the prostate, you lose most of your sex drive, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference any more. Is this still an mortal sin? She would never go for any advice to anyone, even if I would. What do I do?
 
I don’t think that would be a sin. If my husband had to get a shot before sex every time, that would probably put me off a bit too. She probably just can’t stand to hurt you.

Once a month is better than nothing. I don’t see how it could be a sin, it’s not like you can really help it. As long as you’re happy as a couple I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Nobody’s marriage is perfect.
 
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davy39:
I guess I really have a problem. My wife and I only make love once a month, if even that. We have been married for 26 years, but lately, she doesn’t seem to want to be touched. She will stiffen up and pull away like she’s in a hurry to do something else. Also, I am a prostate cancer survivor, and the only way I can get an erection is shot of alprodstidol, which is sometimes painfull. We are happy and get along just fine, but this always seems to be hanging over our heads. And with the removal of the prostate, you lose most of your sex drive, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference any more. Is this still an mortal sin? She would never go for any advice to anyone, even if I would. What do I do?
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No it is not a sin. You have a medical condition and it sounds like despite the pain of the injection, once a month is still a bit difficult. Your free will is inhibited by the fact that you cannot fully control your body–you instead have to take a shot before being able to love your wife. I’m sure if you did NOT have this medical concern, you would be loving your wife in the marital embrace as often as possible.

Something you might do instead, and often, which women love, is simply increase the affection. Touch her gently as you walk by, smooth her hair off her forehead, rub her back as she cooks dinner, reach for her in bed and simply pull her to you–whisper that you just want to be close, if she starts stiffening and pulling away. Few wives will resist that sort of request. Your physical intimacy does not need to be gone, just because you can no longer have sex very often. You still need to touch each other and show your abiding love for one another in that way.

Be at peace, you love your wife. If this is truly hanging over your head, work up the courage to talk to her about it. Tell her it’s difficult for you to discuss but you sense that it’s a problem area. Just ask for her thoughts and if she acts uncomfortable, ask her to be gentle in what she says but to please be honest. Maybe the two of you could discuss your mutual needs and what you both really want now.
 
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Princess_Abby:
No it is not a sin. You have a medical condition and it sounds like despite the pain of the injection, once a month is still a bit difficult. Your free will is inhibited by the fact that you cannot fully control your body–you instead have to take a shot before being able to love your wife. I’m sure if you did NOT have this medical concern, you would be loving your wife in the marital embrace as often as possible.

Something you might do instead, and often, which women love, is simply increase the affection. Touch her gently as you walk by, smooth her hair off her forehead, rub her back as she cooks dinner, reach for her in bed and simply pull her to you–whisper that you just want to be close, if she starts stiffening and pulling away. Few wives will resist that sort of request. Your physical intimacy does not need to be gone, just because you can no longer have sex very often. You still need to touch each other and show your abiding love for one another in that way.

Be at peace, you love your wife. If this is truly hanging over your head, work up the courage to talk to her about it. Tell her it’s difficult for you to discuss but you sense that it’s a problem area. Just ask for her thoughts and if she acts uncomfortable, ask her to be gentle in what she says but to please be honest. Maybe the two of you could discuss your mutual needs and what you both really want now.
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Hi Abby, thanks for the understanding post and the advice. I guess in you later years, the sex thing is just not as important as it is when you are younger. I love her dearly, and would never leave her, especially for someone else. I think we can work this out. She always says that she would rather have me here as I am, than not here at all. I am a six year cancer survivor, and I thank God every day. Thanks again. Dave
 
We have been married for 26 years, but lately, she doesn’t seem to want to be touched. She will stiffen up and pull away like she’s in a hurry to do something else.
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Do you have any idea why?
 
CargoPilot: Dang, you have some interesting friends!

Black Jacque: Working on keeping that image down, huh?

SueG: Ever wonder just how the Cana wedding ran out of wine in the first place? Nothing wrong with occasional events that include a good buzz as long as you know where the line is for impaired judgement and you aren’t driving!
 
I actually had someone ask me this; it was in connection with a hypnosis session.

What I suggested is that they just sit down and kiss for a while… a long while… fully clothed, if you get my drift. [This bulletin board is a “family show”] Just kissing. Nothing else.

They said it worked.

don’t know if this will pass the censors or not. But if you don’t see my name appear again, then you’ll know.
 
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Ghostgirl:
Aren’t there laws against spousal rape?
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yes actually there are. however, the downside to this is that it gets blurry on the wedding night. most if not all states have an option for anullment based on “failure to conssumate marriage”. basically, if the couple does not have sex after they are married, or before one files under that statute, the marriage is declared null.

this leaves open the option that one spouse may lawfully coerce sexual relations on the wedding night by threatening to file “failure to conssumate marriage” annulment papers the next buisiness day unless the other complies with their wish to have sex.

its not uncommom to be exhausted, frightened about sex on the big night, but under most current laws, one spouse can say “if you dont have sex with me tonight, i will file for an annullment on monday morning”.

any other time than enforcing the contract of marital conssumation, coersion of sex is a crime. remember, a person can seek to enforce a legal and binding contract such as marriage, which requires sex to seal.
 
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davy39:
I guess I really have a problem. My wife and I only make love once a month, if even that. We have been married for 26 years, but lately, she doesn’t seem to want to be touched. She will stiffen up and pull away like she’s in a hurry to do something else. Also, I am a prostate cancer survivor, and the only way I can get an erection is shot of alprodstidol, which is sometimes painfull. We are happy and get along just fine, but this always seems to be hanging over our heads. And with the removal of the prostate, you lose most of your sex drive, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference any more. Is this still an mortal sin? She would never go for any advice to anyone, even if I would. What do I do?
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It seems that your wife may be losing her sex drive. You don’t say what your wife’s age is, but my guess is after 26 years of marriage she’s around or past menopause. The sex drive in women can go down and it’s because the testesterone (women have some too) decreases with age. She can get her hormones tested by a simple blood test and there are testesterone patches and/or pills she can take. Also, there may be depression involved, after all she almost lost you to cancer. As far as infrequent sex being a mortal sin, I don’t think God would force someone to have sex if they can’t or don’t want to!
 
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Ghostgirl:
Aren’t there laws against spousal rape?
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Hi Ghostgirl,

Yes, there are such laws, as I believe you are already aware. I am sure there are situations where such laws are necessary.

Your signature indicates you’re a feminist and your profile says you’re also an atheist, so I’m not going to expect you to agree with, let alone understand, much about what Catholic marriage is about.

“When a couple contracts marriage, they give one another the uninterrupted, permanent, and continuous right to each other’s bodies. Spouses must strive to respond to the physical and emotional needs of one another. To refuse the marital act violates the physical needs of one of the spouses, thus placing him or her in the occasion of sin. … However, it also must be remembered that spouses cannot look upon each other merely as objects of use. There are times, then, when a married person, in consideration for their spouse’s inability to perform the sexual act, or their lack of desire to do so at a given moment, should say no to the desires of the body. In this situation, love and respect for the other would respond with a spirit of self-control.”

From Sister Mary Lucy’s article, dailycatholic.org/issue/2001Jan/jan19get.htm

Catholic marriage is about as counter-cultural as it gets. Atheism and feminism do not mix well in Catholic marriage. When both spouses treat marriage as the Sacrament that it is, then they are truly one flesh, and it is the most fulfilling vocation you’ll ever experience. When one is blessed with a spouse who share the same beliefs, it’s easy to stay married for a lifetime.

Ghostgirl, my friend, I don’t know your age, but I suspect I may have been married as long as you’ve been alive. My dear wife is not a feminist, or an atheist. She is literally a dream come true, for me. She is a sweet, loving and faithful Catholic woman who accepts me with all faults. I can place all my trust in her for everything. She is someone who I truly could, and would, lay my life down for.

With that in mind, would there be ‘spousal rape’ in my marriage? By the popular definition, probably yes. Could the both of us be guilty of that? Without a doubt. We have both ceded to the other’s serious request for the marital act when we didn’t want to, but in our minds, there isn’t any such thing as ‘spousal rape’.

Dear Ghostgirl, perhaps I assume too much, but I suspect you’re not married. I’m also giving you the benefit of a doubt that as an atheist, feminist lurking around in a Catholic forum, you’re not looking to stir up trouble, but may be seeking answers. I pray you find them.
 
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cargopilot:
Hi Ghostgirl,

Yes, there are such laws, as I believe you are already aware. I am sure there are situations where such laws are necessary.

Your signature indicates you’re a feminist and your profile says you’re also an atheist, so I’m not going to expect you to agree with, let alone understand, much about what Catholic marriage is about.

“When a couple contracts marriage, they give one another the uninterrupted, permanent, and continuous right to each other’s bodies. Spouses must strive to respond to the physical and emotional needs of one another. To refuse the marital act violates the physical needs of one of the spouses, thus placing him or her in the occasion of sin. … However, it also must be remembered that spouses cannot look upon each other merely as objects of use. There are times, then, when a married person, in consideration for their spouse’s inability to perform the sexual act, or their lack of desire to do so at a given moment, should say no to the desires of the body. In this situation, love and respect for the other would respond with a spirit of self-control.”

From Sister Mary Lucy’s article, dailycatholic.org/issue/2001Jan/jan19get.htm

Catholic marriage is about as counter-cultural as it gets. Atheism and feminism do not mix well in Catholic marriage. When both spouses treat marriage as the Sacrament that it is, then they are truly one flesh, and it is the most fulfilling vocation you’ll ever experience. When one is blessed with a spouse who share the same beliefs, it’s easy to stay married for a lifetime.

Ghostgirl, my friend, I don’t know your age, but I suspect I may have been married as long as you’ve been alive. My dear wife is not a feminist, or an atheist. She is literally a dream come true, for me. She is a sweet, loving and faithful Catholic woman who accepts me with all faults. I can place all my trust in her for everything. She is someone who I truly could, and would, lay my life down for.

With that in mind, would there be ‘spousal rape’ in my marriage? By the popular definition, probably yes. Could the both of us be guilty of that? Without a doubt. We have both ceded to the other’s serious request for the marital act when we didn’t want to, but in our minds, there isn’t any such thing as ‘spousal rape’.

Dear Ghostgirl, perhaps I assume too much, but I suspect you’re not married. I’m also giving you the benefit of a doubt that as an atheist, feminist lurking around in a Catholic forum, you’re not looking to stir up trouble, but may be seeking answers. I pray you find them.
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Well said, Cargopilot.
 
what if there is a psychologicial and emotional barrier for a spouse, and even through (or after) therapy, the spouse cannot seem to overcome these barriers & provide either physical and/or emotional intimacies (NOT just sexual.)
 
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peytra:
what if there is a psychologicial and emotional barrier for a spouse, and even through (or after) therapy, the spouse cannot seem to overcome these barriers & provide either physical and/or emotional intimacies (NOT just sexual.)
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I hope I understand your question correctly…

If a spouse tried their best to overcome such barriers and just couldn’t, I would think that there wouldn’t be the element of free-will and there would be no sin, or at least that would seem to be a mitigating factor, reducing the sin to something less.
 
what if there is a psychologicial and emotional barrier for a spouse, and even through (or after) therapy, the spouse cannot seem to overcome these barriers & provide either physical and/or emotional intimacies (NOT just sexual.)
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Hmmm. Could this invalidate the marriage? I know an impotent male cannot get married because the marriage cannot get consummated. If the spouse had some psychological/emotional barrier that made relations impossible (can’t imagine it, but I’ll play along), this would be similar to impotency. Of 'course impotency is not a sin.
 
there are other barriers, aside from impotency:
Code: 
   - sexual abuse history   
             or 
   - history of  severe neglect / abandonment/
                          emotional deprivation
 
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