I have suffered severe depression, on and off, for over 20 years.
Alot of times I dwell on how much others hate me and wouldn’t it be nice to just slip into a hot tub of water and slit my wrists. Or get dead drunk and take a dive into the river/lake/other body of water. Or get hit by a car, truck, train, taxi, cement mixer, rampaging Godzilla, or any of the above.
The only reason, according to my warped thinking, that anyone would want to keep my stupid *** around, is that I work, I pay taxes, and God forbid that the United States government should lose that $2000 a year. And god forbid my BF should have to take the time and trouble to sniff out a new (meow meow).
I do not go to a psychiatrist to confess these thoughts because I am scared shless that I will be involuntarily locked up and pumped full of meds that will deprive me of my senses and then my life would be even more screwed up than it is right now. I do not attempt suicide because I used to work in a nursing home, and knowing me, I would screw it up. I would do just enough damage to end up a brain damaged vegetable. Then I would spend my days in somewhere like St. Camillus, eating mystery meat, drooling, crying, shing my diaper, and having to look at someone like (name of former supervisor nurse deleted, simply because its so vile!) as my nurse. So I simply drag on, day after day, hoping that God will not throw me into the eternal BBQ pit, because after all, I didn’t commit suicide so I upheld my part of the bargain. So I drag on day after day, hoping that others don’t decide I’m too f***ed up to be running around loose, hoping against hope I don’t lose everything I’ve spent the last five years working for.
Over the last 30 years I’ve slowly come to a realization: I am basically a good person. Its the rest of the world that is messed up. It doesn’t change my frightened anguish, it just makes it a bit easier to put up with. And if tomorrow I should die a natural death, cool. I won’t be the least bit sorry other than leaving my children behind.
And if anyone sees this and decides to be a do gooder and call the men in white coats, here’s my answer: **** OFF. I’ve spent 20 years contemplating suicide. If I haven’t done it already, chances are I’m too chicken to.
Please forgive me God. but its how I feel. your son didn’t have a swell time on the cross either…
Conster