Is God using this situation to tell me I'm not called to marriage?

[pianistclare]

I had my first child at 35, second at 38.
Both never made less than an A in school, even through college.
Certainly no birth defects.

 

[tweedlealice]

Alright I will stop over thinking but here is my last overthought

Why go through the increased risk though? To me this would be like me who doesn’t know ow to swim going into the deep end of the pool. Now sure I could maybe swim out, and maybe by some miracle i could survive, but more than likely I would drown on my own. Yes God’s will is important but we shouldn’t test him so much and so recklessly.

YOU NEVER TEST THE LORD YOUR GOD. THIS IS IN SCRIPTURE-GOOGLE IT.
I wrote you a 3 paragraph reply.One was where my husband and I fell in love at first sight=poor. He was a soldier making $95.00/mo and I made $6.25/mo as a RN at Ft. Cambell in 1968. One could rent a house for $75.00/mo. We are married 48years in Aug. Thank you Jesus. He was in the Irish army and was sent on a UN mission to the Congo to through out Idi Amien. He was in sick bay when his company went on a mission… They never came back. All they found was a boot w a foot in it and a tibia. They were canabalized. He just told me 3 years ago that I married damaged goods. Then, there was Viet Nam. Combat soldier do not return the same way. We have to love them back to health. We have our scars and wounds but we have our family.My family had alcoholism, schizophrenia and bipolar disease in it. His was alcoholic. God helps work it all out.
God sent this young lady to you. She will be your partner. Tell her everything and ask her guidance. While you are being celibate friends, until you are married. HMMM.
I will submit this and send prayers on next note. I don’t want to loose this.
in Christs love
tweedlealice

 

[pianistclare]

Interestingly enough, there’s another thread of a 23 yr. old woman who is distraught that she hasn’t met a nice Catholic guy.

Isn’t that something?

 

[Regina7]

Thats sweet of you to say but I know so many people who have a lot more friends and usually are hanging out with them or at least get together once in a while. I have plenty of people I know but only one or two close friends who I really talk to on a regular basis. I feel like I don’t have a ton of deep friendships. And are these people just socially awkward or mentally ill (not trying to be mean but I know thats what hurts my brother and sister in relationships

My husband doesn’t have any close friends, except for me. He is social when we are at places, but he seriously has nobody who he calls or goes out with. Just me. And while I’ve always wondered how he can do this (as I am close with my friends), he really doesn’t seem to care. I will note that he’s an amazing husband and father.

So don’t use the no-friend thing as an excuse.

 

[Regina7]

Ummm the risk of Down Syndrome goes up in women who get pregnant after 40 and their have been links between the age of the Father and things like Mental Retardation and Autism. Not defects per se, but I guess more issues. My own parents were 45 and 38 when they married and I sometimes wonder if maybe they shouldn’t have had kids (i’m sure there would have been a way to prevent pregnancy through NFP at that age) since my brother has Austism (high functioning but still) and my sister has such severe depression and we all have varying degrees of anxiety (though this isn’t an age thing). So I guess I want a shot at healthy kids. Not that its guaranteed.

God determines which exact children you get and WHEN you get them. You could get married at 27 and struggle with infertility for 10 years and then have 5 healthy children. Or you could be like me, and have a child in late 20s with significant medical conditions. You can plan all the want when it comes to having children, but God is the one in control, not you.

I’d also like to say that my child with disabilities has brought me so much joy and a deeper relationship with Christ. I wouldn’t want him to change one bit (and he’s such a happy child).

 

[tweedlealice]

Back again for prayers

JEREMIAH 29:11-12 For I know the plans I have for you.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. THIS IS THE WORD OF THE LORD.

EPHESIANS 3:14-19-- For this reason I kneel before the Father from whom this whole family in heaven and earth derives its name.I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being.so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.And I pray that you being rooted and established in love may have power, with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge–that you may be fulled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Mary Conceived without sin, pray for us who have recoursed to thee.
Sacred Heart of Jesus I place my trust in thee.

in Christs love,
tweedlealice

You are a King’s kid. A child of God-worthy of good things. Open your eyes and heart and see Jesus. Where would He lead you with His teachings.???

 

[Xantippe]

So as of right now I’m in the early stages of dating a wonderful young woman, but things in my life continue to go south. I’m currently teaching but I have not been renewed next year due to budget issues. I’ve applied to other jobs but have only had one interview and I’m sure I didn’t get the job. I am going back to get my masters in special education but i’m worried that i’ll just keep struggling. it took me two years to get a full time job with my bachelors and I’m worried it will take just as long with my masters because for some reason people don’t want to hire me. The only jobs I seem to be able to get are low wage jobs (I got offered one as a grocery store manager but i’d only make 25000 which wouldn’t be enough to support a family even where I live) and I worry i’ll just be some low status male the rest of my life.

My question is, is God using this to tell me i’m not called to marriage, at least not right now? This is the first girl I’ve dated and felt that would be a great match for me, but if I can’t provide for her it won’t work. I feel like I should just give up on trying to find a spouse and just work on getting out of debt (which is 55000 between my car and my student loans) which will take forever.

I also just feel like maybe i’m not meant for marriage simply because i’m a tad bit different. I don’t have a lot of friends and my only real close relationships besides this woman are my family and they all have issues too (mom is about to retire, brother has autism, sister has severe depression) which means maybe I should just take care of them. I really just am so unsure of my life and worry i’ll just be some poor ugly slob who’s best opportunity is working at some low end grocery store job. I almost don’t even want to get my masters because its more money down the toilet. So is this God’s way of saying that marriage is out of the picture for me? Especially since I don’t really want to have kids past 40 since birth defects occur with old fathers and mothers

I haven’t read your whole thread, but if you have $55k in current debt and are struggling to find a teaching job, I would definitely put the brakes on the MA project. It would be very grim to add another $30k or so to your debt load and wind up with the same struggles with finding a job.

It may be that it’s not lack of paper credentials but other issues (for instance, how you present and your lack of self-confidence) that are hampering you in your job search.

 

[Xantippe]

Explain your situation to the young lady and let her decide. But there is no point in continued dating if there is no mutual agreement to marry.

I’d say, “no point in continued dating if there is no mutual openness to marriage.” There doesn’t need to be an agreement. If there were an agreement, that would be an engagement.

 

[nocoastlayman]

I haven’t read your whole thread, but if you have $55k in current debt and are struggling to find a teaching job, I would definitely put the brakes on the MA project. It would be very grim to add another $30k or so to your debt load and wind up with the same struggles with finding a job.

It may be that it’s not lack of paper credentials but other issues (for instance, how you present and your lack of self-confidence) that are hampering you in your job search.

I’m already a year in and fortunately tuition isn’t that bad and I’m at a pretty good instate school and only about $44000 is student loan debt the rest is an auto payment. But yes thats what I worry about. Makes me wonder if I should just get some low wage job put off marriage and just work to get out of debt. What’s wrong with that even if I am called to marriage. Its not like you go to hell for not following your vocation. Or do you?

 

[nocoastlayman]

God determines which exact children you get and WHEN you get them. You could get married at 27 and struggle with infertility for 10 years and then have 5 healthy children. Or you could be like me, and have a child in late 20s with significant medical conditions. You can plan all the want when it comes to having children, but God is the one in control, not you.

I’d also like to say that my child with disabilities has brought me so much joy and a deeper relationship with Christ. I wouldn’t want him to change one bit (and he’s such a happy child).

I’m not saying that that God shouldn’t be in control and I’m sure your child is a blessing, but at the same time people need to be smart. Why have a kid that will be a burden. Now i’m not saying I think we should abort kids with problems or sterilize people at risk but maybe we need to tell people that they might have celibate.

 

[Irishmom2]

Why have a kid that will be a burden. Now i’m not saying I think we should abort kids with problems or sterilize people at risk but maybe we need to tell people that they might have celibate.

Do you always say such offensive things? Perhaps this is part of the reason you don’t get hired. This is a very thoughtless thing to say to people that are trying to help you.

 

[nocoastlayman]

Do you always say such offensive things? Perhaps this is part of the reason you don’t get hired. This is a very thoughtless thing to say to people that are trying to help you.

Actually my problem feels like in my life that i’m not very assertive and that i’m too nice. I feel sometimes like I’m just a plain vanilla ice cream cone who just gets looked over. And no i don’t say offensive things. I don’t even get any interviews so I wouldn’t have a chance to say them if I were that type of person. My online persona is a lot darker than I am in real life I guess.

 

[pianistclare]

I’m already a year in and fortunately tuition isn’t that bad and I’m at a pretty good instate school and only about $44000 is student loan debt the rest is an auto payment. But yes thats what I worry about. Makes me wonder if I should just get some low wage job put off marriage and just work to get out of debt. What’s wrong with that even if I am called to marriage. Its not like you go to hell for not following your vocation. Or do you?

If my daughter brought you home to meet me and I knew you had 44 grand in debt…I’d say “Look around, Rebecca”.
Honest.
You’re worried about things that aren’t even happening yet. Worry about getting rid of that debt, or no matter how wonderful and open to children the young woman is, you’ll have a hard road, trying to balance a place to live, entry level jobs, and debt. Babies and prenatal care is expensive.

And…ask any parent. No child is a burden. There are people who desperately want children, and adopt even handicapped children. Joy is in valuing everyone.

 

[nocoastlayman]

If my daughter brought you home to meet me and I knew you had 44 grand in debt…I’d say “Look around, Rebecca”.
Honest.
You’re worried about things that aren’t even happening yet. Worry about getting rid of that debt, or no matter how wonderful and open to children the young woman is, you’ll have a hard road, trying to balance a place to live, entry level jobs, and debt. Babies and prenatal care is expensive.

And…ask any parent. No child is a burden. There are people who desperately want children, and adopt even handicapped children. Joy is in valuing everyone.

So then should i just put off marriage until my debt is clear? That means id probably have to wait until im 40 since i cant get better jobs. So i guess ill have to wait.

 

[Xantippe]

So then should i just put off marriage until my debt is clear? That means id probably have to wait until im 40 since i cant get better jobs. So i guess ill have to wait.

No, but be aggressive.

Also, I have to say that your talk of just $44k in student loans gives me the heebie-jeebies.

If you have $55k in debt and the woman of your heart also has $55k in debt, that’s $110k. That’s a whole house worth of debt–with no house!

I think you are underestimating how difficult it is to pay off debt while raising a young family. I had a 1990s $6k student loan, and the darn thing hovered around for 12-13 years, what with Peace Corps service and deferments (including for my MA). Our family did a Dave Ramsey-inspired debt repayment over about two years (the student loan, our car and our credit cards) and there was a lot of sacrifice involved.

Young families that have student loan payments even in the $400-$600 often find life very, very hard. It’s so much easier to pay off debt before you have kids.

There’s no reason to wait until it’s all gone to get married, but be aggressive.

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s something to bear in mind:

“According to the US Census Bureau 2004 Community Survey, two-person households had a median income of $39,755, with $48,957 for three-person households, $54,338 for four-person households, $50,905 for five-person households, $45,435 for six-person households, with seven-or-more-person households having the second lowest median income of only $42,471.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Household_income_in_the_United_States

It would be a good idea to aim for at least median income for your size household.

If you get a teaching job again, make sure you have a summer job.

Also, try to do a personal finance course (for instance Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University) when you have the opportunity.

 

[pianistclare]

So then should i just put off marriage until my debt is clear? That means id probably have to wait until im 40 since i cant get better jobs. So i guess ill have to wait.

No, it means that you don’t heap your problems on another person.
You work on the debt. NOW, with whatever job you can find. You’re being very fatalistic. You’ll get a good job, and until you do, take a lousy job and pay down those debts.
The thrifty skills you will gain will serve you well when you have to save for cars, college, and home improvements.
Just because you borrowed a lot doesn’t mean you can’t deal with it. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace program is great. Check it out.

 

[nocoastlayman]

No, it means that you don’t heap your problems on another person.
You work on the debt. NOW, with whatever job you can find. You’re being very fatalistic. You’ll get a good job, and until you do, take a lousy job and pay down those debts.
The thrifty skills you will gain will serve you well when you have to save for cars, college, and home improvements.
Just because you borrowed a lot doesn’t mean you can’t deal with it. Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace program is great. Check it out.

Thanks I’ll do that but my big problem is i’d feel like a quitter if I left my masters program. I just had a big fight with my mom and basicallly she said she’d like me to see it through since it would help me with my job prospects. She basically said debt doesn’t matter and that most people “end up this way” I feel like a complete loser either way and I just don’t know what to do. I hate it when my mom is mad at me

 

[UpUpAndAway]

Since others have already copiously addressed the financial and reproductive aspects of your concerns, I’ll make a few brief observations on the following:

I also just feel like maybe i’m not meant for marriage simply because i’m a tad bit different. I don’t have a lot of friends and my only real close relationships besides this woman are my family and they all have issues too (mom is about to retire, brother has autism, sister has severe depression) which means maybe I should just take care of them. I really just am so unsure of my life and worry i’ll just be some poor ugly slob who’s best opportunity is working at some low end grocery store job. I almost don’t even want to get my masters because its more money down the toilet. So is this God’s way of saying that marriage is out of the picture for me?

I’d be curious to know what you believe a person’s life should be like in order for them to be “meant for marriage.” What you’ve described doesn’t seem out of the ordinary to me. Everyone has their own challenges, even those who don’t appear to have a care in the world. Some measure of uncertainty is part of life.

I have plenty of people I know but only one or two close friends who I really talk to on a regular basis. I feel like I don’t have a ton of deep friendships.

You’ve just described me, and I’ve been married for almost 13 years.

I’ve never met anyone who had “a ton” of deep friendships, which often take a lot of time and effort to cultivate and maintain. My own experience indicates I can’t have this kind of relationship with more than three people at once because I would have to neglect my family and The Husband to do so. YMMV, but even if it doesn’t that by itself wouldn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that you’re somehow not cut out for marriage and family life.

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve never met anyone who had “a ton” of deep friendships, which often take a lot of time and effort to cultivate and maintain. My own experience indicates I can’t have this kind of relationship with more than three people at once because I would have to neglect my family and The Husband to do so. YMMV, but even if it doesn’t that by itself wouldn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that you’re somehow not cut out for marriage and family life.

Right. 2 big important friendships at a time is actually a lot.

2 is actually the national average for the US. “If asked how many friends you have, some may have trouble distinguishing between the lengthy list of Facebook friends and those close pals you confide in. Well, it turns out, Americans’ lists of the close type has shrunk to two, down from three confidantes 25 years ago, a new study suggests.”

livescience.com/16879-close-friends-decrease-today.html