Thanks for the reply. I do believe he’s clueless. That’s the hard part. I feel like I just keeps repeating hurtful mistakes out of ignorance even though he’s a very smart man.
Smart men sometimes have that problem, especially if they have book smarts or artistic minds and work theoretical jobs. There is a reason why scientists aren’t sometimes the best managers of daily affairs. Nor are artists or writers. There are exceptions, of course, but still. When you’re always on to something thereotical, you just don’t focus on taking out the trash, washing the dishes, mowing the lawn etc. on time. Doesn’t mean you don’t ever do it (although some people get to that point), but you just don’t keep yourself aware of it constantly, don’t check with the schedule etc.
This is connected with how male and female brains work. Men can concentrate and focus a bit better than women but are worse at multi-tasking. When you have a job that demands all your focus and concentration or a task that puts similar requirements on you or a personal problem that eats you up from the inside, then you just can’t keep track of all the other things. This is basically the same thing which causes everybody to prefer to slow down, sit down, focus on one thing, do it right. Except it isn’t always about a task you decide to start doing here and then, sometimes something can be on your mind like that constantly, like a job or a project, or it can keep you busy against your will like a personal problem.
Perhaps try to recall what got you attracted to your husband? Maybe it was the sense of humour, the intellect, the light-hearted attitude, perhaps an easy-going manner? It could be two sides of the same coin with the problems you’re experiencing with him. Although, if therapy is involved, I guess he has some personal problems on top of it.
I don’t know about his personal life, like what problems are making him need therapy, e.g. losing a family member or a job, or some things from childhood. But as far as being a clueless guy that doesn’t remember about anything goes, I can tell it’s very hard to defeat it and it’s practically impossible to do it fully. In fact, I could tell you more about it. I’m one of those guys. For example, I know I will never stop misplacing my keys or wallet or phone. I’ve got used to it, although it’s frustrating (no, I’m not proud of myself or uncaring about it, it hurts me more than other people in the first place–it may be the same with your husband if he knows he can’t get anything on time). I try to make sure I’m on time for meetings, tasks etc. but I know success will not be perfect, I’ll generally always be below average.
At least I always try and strive to get my work on time, stuff I do for a living and employers (clients) are paying for, and I do place above average in general as a result. Still, I haven’t avoided a couple of slips or very evitable mistakes that would’ve been avoided with less haste and more focus, basically if I had put more attention in it.
I know this isn’t great from other people’s point of view but I hope that if we’re family or friends or business partners they can accept it, well: accept me because this is what it is about. It would pain me if they didn’t and it would pain me to no end if it happened in a marriage (I’m not married). At the same time, I must say I feel wronged when I feel that people would basically want me to change my personality for them. Or drop whatever I’m thinking about, regardless what it is or how important to me, and instead of pursuing my work or interests, just put my mental and psychic strength in training myself to ingrain that thing which they are expecting of me, even though objectively it isn’t anything so important to them.
So, perhaps, if you can’t put up with a relatively small fault somebody has, perhaps think, okay, if he could change it. But if he can’t change it, would I want him to put everything in his life on ice so that he could put his undivided inner strength in changing for me? Leave it for the important things that he will actually really have to change. I’m sure there are some, like that stuff with your aunt.
There are also some areas where you simply seem to have different opinions. Like when you asked why he didn’t take your son in his car and he said he didn’t want him to have to sit through the traffic. You can disagree with your husband about the merits of this decision but you must realise the weight of the issue is minimal. Also, even if you disagree, you can’t really say that your husband was wrong. He simply chose different priorities than you did: you focused on avoiding the need to hire a nanny, he focused on not inflicting the dull traffic on the child. It’s possible that he hates the traffic and it’s a huge sacrifice for him to go through it day by day, so he wanted to spare your son the same if possible. This is normal, sound reasoning.
One more thing to realise is that things look very different from the “auditing” (critiquing) point of view, when you verify someone’s work or when you go through his decision, than when you’re in the same spot and you’re the one doing those things and making the decisions. Don’t assume that you’d have made better choices or done a better job if you’d been the one doing the same thing (e.g. choosing the right priorities for the situation). We’re all fallible, it’s quite possible that you’d have made some mistakes too in similar situations, just maybe different mistakes than he did. We’re all made of the same clay.
I’m a criminal lawyer myself and I can’t understand how it’s possible for people to so completely and utterly fail to realise what rape is. Like it’s a small extortion of a favour and not a horrible violation. My jurisdiction actually had to increase the penalty in the statute because the courts were too lenient. People just don’t seem to get it. Since it’s your mother, I would try talking. I would try to talk her out of the complacent mood, prevent her from the denial and downplaying, push her to confront the reality and make sure she understands what an issue rape is, that it’s not some “oops, I’m sorry, my bad!” kind of thing.