Is he clueless?!? Help please

[Cable]

You might consider weighing beforehand, whether or not you need to share each emotionally charged situation of yours with your hubby. It sounds like you can work on your relationship with your mom and many other things without his (name removed by moderator)ut. Sometimes there are things you share with your girlfriends and things you only share with your hubby and some things that are kept between you and God . It takes a lot of wisdom for anyone to sort them appropriately.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Well, I feel this is a critical time in my life and relationships and I need my husband. If I can’t count on him… Then I don’t see that as much of a marriage.

These decisions will affect me and my family for life. I am not going to just give this info to random “girlfriends”. My husband should be involved.

 

[Lucky7]

But I tend to think the reason he doesn’t want me to cut off all ties is because I stand to inherit a lot of money.

That’s quite an accusation to make of your husband. Other than his comment about cutting off ties what proof do you have that that is true? Because his change of heart could have been his cooling down himself and trying to respond to the situation rather than react to the situation.

I’m very concerned about this accusation…especially if it is NOT true.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

It’s a long history… Money problems… Him suggesting I sue my mother for her home after my father passed away. He didn’t care about cutting ties with her then… He just wanted her house.

That’s quite an accusation to make of your husband. Other than his comment about cutting off ties what proof do you have that that is true? Because his change of heart could have been his cooling down himself and trying to respond to the situation rather than react to the situation.

I’m very concerned about this accusation…especially if it is NOT true.

 

[Cable]

Well, I feel this is a critical time in my life and relationships and I need my husband. If I can’t count on him… Then I don’t see that as much of a marriage.

These decisions will affect me and my family for life. I am not going to just give this info to random “girlfriends”. My husband should be involved.

You already did by imparting sensitive information to people with less status than your gfs, via this forum. And your opener was to somewhat label your husband as “clueless”. I think that what happened to you is devastating and I’m trying to be respectful of you and your situation as best I can. However, in the end, I think you need to look at yourself and what you bring to each relationship. How much can others count on you to go the extra mile, and count on you for respect, acceptance, comfort, help and so on. You don’t have to be bad to get better. Too true, you should be able to count on him. However, I can think of more than a few critical times, for example; birth of a child, getting a CT scan for a diagnosis, death of a parent, where one spouse was not there for the other. What I’m saying is, even the best husband doesn’t bat 1000. And while we should keep the line of communications open and try to improve the relationship, it’s just as important to know when to accept things for the time being. That doesn’t negate the marriage, it only makes you human.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

I’m just saying I think it’s fair to include my husband on a decision to completely cut off my mother and sister… It would impact him and our child.

 

[severus68]

I totally see what you are saying. I really do. But I tend to think the reason he doesn’t want me to cut off all ties is because I stand to inherit a lot of money. He talks a big game… Even threatened to call/email my Mom himself… He said she was just horrible etc etc.

Then I go ahead and write her an honest and deep email (no attacks) and he starts to panic? " you realize you probably just cut ties with your mom forever by sending that".

I said “well if that’s how she responds… Than that’s how she responds. I can’t control her actions”.

“well that was NOT something I would have expected and I really hope she’s alright after reading that…, do you think that she could ever think of herself as a good mother… After reading that?”

That is what I got from him and It just made NO sense to me. I try to solve the problem (after talking to my therapist) and my husband makes me feel bad about it?

I think writing to your mother in that manner was a good thing. It should have resulted in some sort of catharsis for you but it did not. I know its all very emotional, stressful and upsetting. I am surprised at your husband’s response, does not sound very supporting. The best thing would have been for you to have just told your husband that it was a good thing for you and he should support you and to have left it at that. You did not have to justify sending that email. Your mother should have called you immediately to talk it over with you. She did not and your husband had issues with that email, for whatever reasons.

Perhaps you should deal with both issues seperately. You have done all you can with your mother and you have discussed this with your therapist. Follow up with your therapist re your mum. Sit down with your husband and ask him directly what his reason was for objecting to that email. Please do not bring up your mother’s money. BTW how does he know about that? Wait for him to answer. Both of you should try to talk, to communicate and be honest with each other. If you both can’t do this, please go for marital counselling.

God bless and give you strength.

 

[mcrow]

I’m not sure how this applies to the OP but:

I often find that I’m guilty of some similar things. I forget things all the time, my wife wants me to do things but she’s so vague about what exactly she wants or how she wants it done that I feel like I’m doomed to fail.

The problem with us is that sometimes I’m not listening as good as I should and sometimes she thinks I should just know what she wants.

Us, menfolk are not mind readers even if we’ve known you for a sizable chunk of your life. Sometimes my wife is too particular about how things are done and gets upset when I do something in a different way or in a way that takes a little longer than her way. Sometimes she simply thinks i’m doing it wrong but I’m really doing something in a different way that produces the same result.

If you are going to get upset over your husband doing things differently than you expect then you are going to be upset a lot. Even married people do things differently, you simply have to learn to live with and work around each other’s quirks.

Now some of these issues between me and my wife have just become inside jokes between us. When we first got married these things aggravated both of us to no end. Now if my wife wants me to remember to do things, she writes a note or a list and doesn’t complain if I do something differently than her way. OTOH, I have been working on listening better and trying to do somethings, sometimes the way she does them.