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redtech
Guest
You know Christmas is coming up… 
Thats when I got my engagement ring. I think thats when alot of people get them.
Thats when I got my engagement ring. I think thats when alot of people get them.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
**A lot of guys have NO IDEA what goes into planning a wedding (even a small one) and don’t realize how much in advance things need to be booked, payed for, and decided upon…
Does he know all of this?
If he doesn’t then you need to tell him, in specifics (x amount of months ahead of time to book the Church, x amount of time to find/order/wait for a dress etc).
If he DOES then something isn’t right. He is stalling and stringing you along. Why? Only he knows that. It is up to you both to work it out. You need to be fair to yourself in this too. Imagine living the rest of your life with a guy you are always waiting for…
prayers for you both and I hope things work out just as God intends…
Malia**
Does he know all of this?
If he doesn’t then you need to tell him, in specifics (x amount of months ahead of time to book the Church, x amount of time to find/order/wait for a dress etc).
If he DOES then something isn’t right. He is stalling and stringing you along. Why? Only he knows that. It is up to you both to work it out. You need to be fair to yourself in this too. Imagine living the rest of your life with a guy you are always waiting for…
prayers for you both and I hope things work out just as God intends…
Malia**
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agapewolf
Guest
I need to take a different perspective here…
Forget about the proposal for now, and setting a date. When going through Catholic marriage prep, you aren’t supposed to set a date until you’ve taken the foccus test.
There are 2 elements to marriage prep: Discernment, then actual preperation. I STRONGLY encourage all couples to go to “pre-engagement” counseling with a priest and a mentor couple. Don’t get caught up in wedding fluff. Make sure that this relationship is sturdy, focused on Christ, that your morals and values are in line, and that you have spent a ton of time praying together. Get a spiritual director. Do all this before you buy a dress and put down a deposit on the reception hall. When money is tied up in a wedding date, the less freedom you have to say “no”.
I am in no way supposing anything here, but his avoiding setting a date are sometimes a symptom of when a couple is sexually active before marriage. I’m not asking if you are, but one leads to the other often.
Forget about the proposal for now, and setting a date. When going through Catholic marriage prep, you aren’t supposed to set a date until you’ve taken the foccus test.
There are 2 elements to marriage prep: Discernment, then actual preperation. I STRONGLY encourage all couples to go to “pre-engagement” counseling with a priest and a mentor couple. Don’t get caught up in wedding fluff. Make sure that this relationship is sturdy, focused on Christ, that your morals and values are in line, and that you have spent a ton of time praying together. Get a spiritual director. Do all this before you buy a dress and put down a deposit on the reception hall. When money is tied up in a wedding date, the less freedom you have to say “no”.
I am in no way supposing anything here, but his avoiding setting a date are sometimes a symptom of when a couple is sexually active before marriage. I’m not asking if you are, but one leads to the other often.
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Feanaro_s_Wife
Guest
Good point.
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Augustinian82
Guest
He’s a philosopher/theologian, so he can be clueless most of the time about common things… he’s quite the procrastinator too 
Ok, I understand what you mean about being fair to myself. This past summer I felt that I wasn’t, because I really want to become a wife and a mother and I just don’t like the situation we’re in right now: you know, just dating. So, that is why I “broke up” a couple of times with him, but then he said that by next summer we would get married.
He already said that Christmas proposals are cheesy (do not agree!), so I don’t know if he says things like that to distract me so he can “surprise me” or because he truly thinks that.
Ok, I understand what you mean about being fair to myself. This past summer I felt that I wasn’t, because I really want to become a wife and a mother and I just don’t like the situation we’re in right now: you know, just dating. So, that is why I “broke up” a couple of times with him, but then he said that by next summer we would get married.
He already said that Christmas proposals are cheesy (do not agree!), so I don’t know if he says things like that to distract me so he can “surprise me” or because he truly thinks that.
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Augustinian82
Guest
Absolutely. But we’re both virgins and all… cohabitation can also lead to that same problem, but that’s not our case. I mean, we pray together, we do ministry together, we understand the implications of the sacrament of Marriage (or at least I believe we do!), so that is what is so mindboggling about it: that he wouldn’t propose.
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agapewolf
Guest
I’d suggest taking the foccus test. That will thrust you both into the reality of marriage for life so fast that it will either get him to want to get going on it, or run away.
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redtech
Guest
Thats exactly what my husband did too. I was dropping some pretty heavy hints and when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him a ring should be enough. So he got all
on me and said that was lame.sure enough…
It probably is lame, but just about everyone in my family has gotten engaged on Christmas Eve.I was thinking this too. (I got my ring as an engagement present.) It is possible that he’s got some idea in his head about how to propose and it can only work at a certain date or at a certain event or in a certain place…You know Christmas is coming up…
That being said, when you do have discussions about being married it would probably be a good idea to make sure he understands how much time it will take to plan for the wedding you want to have.
And be sure to find out if he has his own ideas about weddings. There are guys who have very specific ideas about how a wedding should be and if your ideas are significantly different from his, that could be enough to keep him from proposing.
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chevalier
Guest
Those guys hate nagging. Seriously. I know because I am one. You need to know that if you marry him, your life won’t be of nagging and his of being nagged.He’s a philosopher/theologian, so he can be clueless most of the time about common things… he’s quite the procrastinator too
Don’t press him. You need to know where you stand, but he needs his freedom to make the decision. Oaths are only valid if they are entered into with a free mind and full knowledge. See where I’m driving at?
Another idea that has struck my mind while reading further posts: Are you sure he’s the man for you? Is he sure you’re the one for him? Or do you have a value clash or a personality one? Are you sure you’ll be happy with him and he with you, or are you afraid you won’t find a better candidate? There’s a lot of questions to ask. Make sure you know the answers.
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Augustinian, you need to separate two issues here:
All your friends are in a giant parade to the altar and you are feeling left behind. Oh, what is the matter with you??? Life is passing you by! EVERYONE IS DOING IT! Well, in about four years, everyone may be in divorce court too. Ignore what everyone else is doing. Cut that completely out of this equation.
What you need to focus on is the man you are dating.
What are your motives? Is he really Mr. Right? Or is he Mr. Right Now? If someone else came along with his qualities who actually showed some enthusiasm for a life with you and a desire to make it happen, would you be gone in a New York Minute from Prof. Ivory Tower?
In other words, you have this little ball of hopes and dreams and plans for a life with children and a home, and the wheel of fortune goes round and round and stops on his number. So you’re now waiting. And waiting.
Two years is a long time to get to know someone. And one thing you are getting to know: Being with him means your idea of “romantic” or “sweet” is his idea of “cheesy.” But you then make an excuse for him that he may just be manipulating you or maybe not. Just how well do you really know him if two years into it you aren’t sure what he really thinks about this?
Look forward to other of your thoughts and emotions being dismissed with two-syllable perjoratives for the rest of your life.
Look forward to being taken for granted for the rest of your life. It seems everything is on his terms and his timetable and he is putting you off.
Something is missing in this whole explanation… you have dropped hints. He can’t be that dense. He’s moving the goalposts on you. He was capable of doing the research to get himself a philosophy degree. Simply picking up the church bulletin, if he was interested, and looking at the wedding regulations for the parish would give him an idea of how long at the minimum you are required to put together a wedding.
You have said he’s a procrastinator and clueless. Charming! Once the reality of living with that combination bears its natural fruit (you yelling at him that he needs to get his nose out of the book and fix the sink and him unaware that there is an inch of water in the bathroom) he may dismiss your heartfelt emotions about that with a two-syllable word like “crazy.”
This is a man who is content to sit around and contemplate the universe. You sound like you need a self-starter who is halfway interested in the world you live in here and now.
Giving him an ultimatum is a waste of time. You kind of did that last summer. It didn’t spur him on towards making a commitment.
If he’s not half as interested in the prospect of a future with you as you are with him, find someone who is. It’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.
And beware of the man who only wants something once it’s slipping out of his fingers for the last time. For some men, a woman is never so priceless as when she’s walking out the door.
If he can’t decide you are a keeper in two years of calm patient recollection, telling him he has six months to fish or cut bait is not the answer.
Say no more about this proposal or any upcoming wedding. (A perfectly lovely wedding can be put together in 6 months. Don’t buy into all that hype about the hall and the dress and the other garbage!)
Give him till New Year’s Eve. Mentally wait for that. If he doesn’t give you a ring, enter 2008 without him. Because if he thinks Christmas proposals are cheesy, he’s not holding out for Valentine’s Day, I can tell you that!
Find someone else who wants what you want and cares enough to pursue it.
If you have to drag a man to the altar, he was better left outside the church door.
All your friends are in a giant parade to the altar and you are feeling left behind. Oh, what is the matter with you??? Life is passing you by! EVERYONE IS DOING IT! Well, in about four years, everyone may be in divorce court too. Ignore what everyone else is doing. Cut that completely out of this equation.
What you need to focus on is the man you are dating.
What are your motives? Is he really Mr. Right? Or is he Mr. Right Now? If someone else came along with his qualities who actually showed some enthusiasm for a life with you and a desire to make it happen, would you be gone in a New York Minute from Prof. Ivory Tower?
In other words, you have this little ball of hopes and dreams and plans for a life with children and a home, and the wheel of fortune goes round and round and stops on his number. So you’re now waiting. And waiting.
Two years is a long time to get to know someone. And one thing you are getting to know: Being with him means your idea of “romantic” or “sweet” is his idea of “cheesy.” But you then make an excuse for him that he may just be manipulating you or maybe not. Just how well do you really know him if two years into it you aren’t sure what he really thinks about this?
Look forward to other of your thoughts and emotions being dismissed with two-syllable perjoratives for the rest of your life.
Look forward to being taken for granted for the rest of your life. It seems everything is on his terms and his timetable and he is putting you off.
Something is missing in this whole explanation… you have dropped hints. He can’t be that dense. He’s moving the goalposts on you. He was capable of doing the research to get himself a philosophy degree. Simply picking up the church bulletin, if he was interested, and looking at the wedding regulations for the parish would give him an idea of how long at the minimum you are required to put together a wedding.
You have said he’s a procrastinator and clueless. Charming! Once the reality of living with that combination bears its natural fruit (you yelling at him that he needs to get his nose out of the book and fix the sink and him unaware that there is an inch of water in the bathroom) he may dismiss your heartfelt emotions about that with a two-syllable word like “crazy.”
This is a man who is content to sit around and contemplate the universe. You sound like you need a self-starter who is halfway interested in the world you live in here and now.
Giving him an ultimatum is a waste of time. You kind of did that last summer. It didn’t spur him on towards making a commitment.
If he’s not half as interested in the prospect of a future with you as you are with him, find someone who is. It’s the greatest gift you can give yourself.
And beware of the man who only wants something once it’s slipping out of his fingers for the last time. For some men, a woman is never so priceless as when she’s walking out the door.
If he can’t decide you are a keeper in two years of calm patient recollection, telling him he has six months to fish or cut bait is not the answer.
Say no more about this proposal or any upcoming wedding. (A perfectly lovely wedding can be put together in 6 months. Don’t buy into all that hype about the hall and the dress and the other garbage!)
Give him till New Year’s Eve. Mentally wait for that. If he doesn’t give you a ring, enter 2008 without him. Because if he thinks Christmas proposals are cheesy, he’s not holding out for Valentine’s Day, I can tell you that!
Find someone else who wants what you want and cares enough to pursue it.
If you have to drag a man to the altar, he was better left outside the church door.
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Augustinian82
Guest
I hate nagging too! That’s why I’m writing about it here and not asking him directly AGAIN why he’s not proposing to me yet
I never knew what it would be like to meet “THE ONE” until I met him and you just know. How do you know? Because “THE ONE” builds you up, challenges you, makes you a better person and a better Christian, brings you closer to God… It’s really strange (in a good way) because we’re so alike in everything… I think the only thing we’re unlike each other is that I am an engineer and everything has to be structured for me and as a good philosopher/theologian he is very “free spirited” hehehe… I’m good with directions, he’s not… things like that. But I see what you’re saying. I don’t think we would be dating right now if we wouldn’t have figured out that we weren’t meant to be together.
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Augustinian82
Guest
Thanks for the advice! It’s blunt, but that’s how I operate
That was my “mental timeline”: New Year’s and that’s it.I guess it’s getting uncomfortable in the sense that all his coworkers and friends are Catholic so they are obviously asking him “hey so when are you going to propose?” What I meant by “everybody doing it” is that our other friends have not sat around to ask their lovely girlfriends to marry them and now they have children and are really happy. Why would he wait? It’s just uncomfortable for me… other than very painful, because I feel that I’m on this boat alone
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Liberanosamalo
Guest
Good friends do this too. Sometimes we aren’t meant to marry our good friends. Sometimes that’s as far as it goes.
You and he have very different styles. Oil and water don’t always mix very well.
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Rob_s_Wife
Guest
Not a bad idea. The guy needs to know where he stands so give him a heads-up. but he also needs to know that no woman, including you, is going to stand around waiting for long. Life is just too short for that!
Sounds like. And the fact that you seem to be afraid of it says the relationship is not very secure.
**My dh and I had to wait considerable time. He had to graduate highschool, then I had to graduate high school, plus a little time to get settled in my new job. Still we married 6 months after I graduated. BUT we were 100% secure in our relationship. We had shared our plans and dreams and were very much in agreement and worked together to make things happen. Your bf shouldn’t have a vague “plan to get married”. You BOTH should have a plan. And you don’t have to set a date or anything to even get engaged. We didn’t. **
**My dh gave me my engagement ring in my junior year of high school. We had talked about our future together and what we wanted. One day at the mall we were window shopping to kill time until a movie started. **
**We walked past a jewlery store and he said, “Hey, let’s go in there. One day I might need to know what kind of ring you like and I don’t want to screw it up and have you where a ring you hate for 100 years. What do you think of those wide gold bands?” **
"Ahem. I think they are missing a diamond."
Dh laughed and said he thought so too. “What about that one. It’s got some glitter to it.” It was a huge monstrosity the size of my knuckle.
"That thing will be beaten to hell in one weekend of work at the resturant. How the heck would I clean cheese out of all those little grooves?! Besides, it’ll catch on everything."
Dh sighed with relief. "Well I’m glad you feel that way because you’ll have to marry some other guy to get a ring like that."
"I like that one. It’s different, but simple and seems like a hardy design."
I went to get in line for popcorn, dh went to the bathroom.
We sat in our chairs and he handed me the engagement part of my ring and said, "Well I hope you really did like it because you’re going to have to wear it for the next 100 years."
And then the movie began.
**HEY! I’ve been gyped! I never got a proposal at all!
**
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PaulinVA
Guest
"The couple of times we have had “the talk” about breaking up, he tells me that he IS planning to get married soon. "
Well, honey, I’M not! No one has asked ME. Has someone asked YOU?
Well, honey, I’M not! No one has asked ME. Has someone asked YOU?
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whatevergirl
Guest
I thought it odd too that he didn’t say that in the ‘we’ sense…and ‘I’ plan on getting married next summer…
I know that God will direct you augustinian…trust in His guidance…(But, don’t pressure or ask that much–I have a friend who married a man (still together) who she asked to marry her, actually…and she always complains how he never takes charge, leaves everything up to her, doesn’t make decisions well, etc…) So, if you want that type of marriage, then, go for it…but I don’t think you do. I wish you luck.
I know that God will direct you augustinian…trust in His guidance…(But, don’t pressure or ask that much–I have a friend who married a man (still together) who she asked to marry her, actually…and she always complains how he never takes charge, leaves everything up to her, doesn’t make decisions well, etc…) So, if you want that type of marriage, then, go for it…but I don’t think you do. I wish you luck.
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Augustinian82
Guest
When I have expressed that I’m depressed sometimes or frustrated because of our situation: because I do want to be with him every day and have a family with him and we don’t have that yet and doesn’t seem that we will have it soon… he tells me basically that I should “offer it up” Yes… that conversation didn’t end well at all… 
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chevalier
Guest
Well, asking him why is different from asking him to. I’d rather skip the effort of asking people to, but sometimes one has to put the foot down and demand some whys. Whatever extracts information but doesn’t force a decision.I hate nagging too! That’s why I’m writing about it here and not asking him directly AGAIN why he’s not proposing to me yet
Forced decisions end badly.That does sound a lot like one of my friends and me. Umm… And I had some experience with structures before, too. If your guy is anything like me, he might hate sloppiness and disorder, but at the same time be a happy wielder of Occam’s razor as regards plans and schedules.
Spontaneity is a big value. By the way, perhaps you two think in different ways. Ever heard about brain styles? I don’t want to advertise a commercial project (since the book is a commercial project more so than just an academic one), but heh, here is the link. I like the edition I’m reading now. It does tell a lot about how (other) people think. Being alike can be a trap: you may start to expect that you will be nearly the same in everything, which is simply not going to happen. There will always be some differences. The multitude of similarities only highlights said differences. The more experience you gain, the more visible those are. This is not to say you’re incompatible, nope, just that you may need to rethink your approach and perhaps the way you interact.Yeah. Or you never miss a train and he couldn’t care less if he does.
Ermm… Madam Engineer, that’s a lot of negations.
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