Q
qiumei
Guest
I’m in my late 20’s and am thinking about trying to broach some serious relationship issues with my parents. My dad is often lacking in empathy, although he can be very sensitive and easily hurt by what he calls ‘unloving’ behavior. This, combined with a reluctance to engage in drudgery (doesn’t like repetitive, dirty jobs) has led to what I see as a dysfunctional family dynamic. My dad has always praised my mom for doing the drudgework (cleaning, cooking, laundry) and told me and my sisters we should try to be like her. As a consequence, our family seems patriarchal although I suspect that this is mostly because we girls have been told that we must be self-sacrificing like mom to be good Catholics, and down the road focus on our families above and to the exclusion of all else; in contrast, the boys in our family have been approached individually and don’t associate chores with their gender or with living their religion.
I don’t want to go on too much, but I’ll explain the dysfunction briefly: Dad is hyper-sensitive, and although he works very hard at a job he should enjoy (lots of variety) always complains that he doesn’t like his work. He would rather engage in literary pursuits. He likes to argue, and when I was a teen we would have loud arguments over minor disagreements, because I didn’t know when to shut my mouth and be quiet. He’s big on silencing us kids, even now that we are getting older, insisting that if he demands silence that everyone must obey immediately. In these arguments when I was a teenager, he would sometimes loom over me, and he has hit me a couple times, never hard enough to really hurt, just enough to be scary. I’d go off to my room, and he would follow and insist that the door be opened. He has a lot of pride, and I know I’ve pushed his buttons, but the most disrespectful thing I said at these times was “I hate you!” (after my inevitable, mind-choking apology, he would say “I accept your apology, but will remember that you said that when I’m on my deathbed”). He was a lot more aggressive with one of my brothers, but he doesn’t loom angrily at the youngest (and biggest). During tough economic times, I fell into the habit of being his emotional crutch, and we spent a lot of time on projects together. One time he told me I had a demon of selfishness in me when I went off by myself to try to get some mental space for a few hours. All this makes him sound like a terrible father, but I don’t know if he knows how to be a really good one. The Catholicism he was raised in was very image-focused.
My mom has taken up a lot of house work, but was/is essentially on her own managing the house and us kids. She is very conflict avoidant, but she can also be very passive aggressive. She is self-sacrificing to the extreme, and the only way to take some stuff off her plate is to do it instead. There’s a lot of emotional management with dad. Since we were teens, she has complained a lot about dad. Every time I’m alone with her, she tells me about the most recent inconsiderate thing he has done. She doesn’t want to discuss it with him, though, and so there’s a lot of frustration that he just doesn’t know about. She won’t say anything, and he’d be either mad or devastated to hear how much anger there is behind the scenes. He hates criticism, though, so if she said anything he would get mad too. Dad often says derogatory things about mom’s family, who are not Catholic. He claims that his family (which is not very loving) has more of God’s grace working in them–seemingly visible because they are richer and better looking.
Home is the most stressful place in the world to me. I can’t go home without feeling tense. When I’m there, I feel like my mind kind of wafts away so that I can get things done, cook, try to do some stuff so mom doesn’t have to. My faith is almost non-existent, and going to church or praying makes me sick, it feels like my mind just isn’t there. I love my parents, but I know that if I start an argument they will probably not want to talk with me for a while. They have been good parents, encouraging us children to get good educations, although all the work on that front has been through mom. (Years ago, when I got into an Ivy League, dad told me that it wasn’t my hard work, it was mom’s, and I shouldn’t be prideful.) I am in grad school now and moving out of the country soon.
I met a really wonderful man last year, and although he is not Christian, he is sweet, loving and dutiful. The problem is, whenever I think about our future, I’m so afraid that I’m not seeing the signs that lead to the relationship my parents have. I often look at him and try to see his hidden motives, and figure out if he wants me to be a SAHM so that I can take care of him like I do my father. It’s hard to even think about a Catholic marriage and vowing to raise Catholic kids, because I don’t want to go near a church. I’ve been wondering if trying to talk to my parents about this would help them (and me), but I don’t know if it would just be disrespectful. I am also deeply afraid that maybe I’m blowing a lot of things out of proportion and that this is actually normal. Are Catholics supposed to self-sacrifice even if it feels like they are losing their minds? Would it be disrespectful to talk to my parents about this? Am I wrong in what I’m perceiving here? How can I keep our family intact and not lose my parents and brothers and sisters?
I don’t want to go on too much, but I’ll explain the dysfunction briefly: Dad is hyper-sensitive, and although he works very hard at a job he should enjoy (lots of variety) always complains that he doesn’t like his work. He would rather engage in literary pursuits. He likes to argue, and when I was a teen we would have loud arguments over minor disagreements, because I didn’t know when to shut my mouth and be quiet. He’s big on silencing us kids, even now that we are getting older, insisting that if he demands silence that everyone must obey immediately. In these arguments when I was a teenager, he would sometimes loom over me, and he has hit me a couple times, never hard enough to really hurt, just enough to be scary. I’d go off to my room, and he would follow and insist that the door be opened. He has a lot of pride, and I know I’ve pushed his buttons, but the most disrespectful thing I said at these times was “I hate you!” (after my inevitable, mind-choking apology, he would say “I accept your apology, but will remember that you said that when I’m on my deathbed”). He was a lot more aggressive with one of my brothers, but he doesn’t loom angrily at the youngest (and biggest). During tough economic times, I fell into the habit of being his emotional crutch, and we spent a lot of time on projects together. One time he told me I had a demon of selfishness in me when I went off by myself to try to get some mental space for a few hours. All this makes him sound like a terrible father, but I don’t know if he knows how to be a really good one. The Catholicism he was raised in was very image-focused.
My mom has taken up a lot of house work, but was/is essentially on her own managing the house and us kids. She is very conflict avoidant, but she can also be very passive aggressive. She is self-sacrificing to the extreme, and the only way to take some stuff off her plate is to do it instead. There’s a lot of emotional management with dad. Since we were teens, she has complained a lot about dad. Every time I’m alone with her, she tells me about the most recent inconsiderate thing he has done. She doesn’t want to discuss it with him, though, and so there’s a lot of frustration that he just doesn’t know about. She won’t say anything, and he’d be either mad or devastated to hear how much anger there is behind the scenes. He hates criticism, though, so if she said anything he would get mad too. Dad often says derogatory things about mom’s family, who are not Catholic. He claims that his family (which is not very loving) has more of God’s grace working in them–seemingly visible because they are richer and better looking.
Home is the most stressful place in the world to me. I can’t go home without feeling tense. When I’m there, I feel like my mind kind of wafts away so that I can get things done, cook, try to do some stuff so mom doesn’t have to. My faith is almost non-existent, and going to church or praying makes me sick, it feels like my mind just isn’t there. I love my parents, but I know that if I start an argument they will probably not want to talk with me for a while. They have been good parents, encouraging us children to get good educations, although all the work on that front has been through mom. (Years ago, when I got into an Ivy League, dad told me that it wasn’t my hard work, it was mom’s, and I shouldn’t be prideful.) I am in grad school now and moving out of the country soon.
I met a really wonderful man last year, and although he is not Christian, he is sweet, loving and dutiful. The problem is, whenever I think about our future, I’m so afraid that I’m not seeing the signs that lead to the relationship my parents have. I often look at him and try to see his hidden motives, and figure out if he wants me to be a SAHM so that I can take care of him like I do my father. It’s hard to even think about a Catholic marriage and vowing to raise Catholic kids, because I don’t want to go near a church. I’ve been wondering if trying to talk to my parents about this would help them (and me), but I don’t know if it would just be disrespectful. I am also deeply afraid that maybe I’m blowing a lot of things out of proportion and that this is actually normal. Are Catholics supposed to self-sacrifice even if it feels like they are losing their minds? Would it be disrespectful to talk to my parents about this? Am I wrong in what I’m perceiving here? How can I keep our family intact and not lose my parents and brothers and sisters?
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