Is it a mortal sin to lie to your kids about pet euthanasia?

[sariejack]

After much discussion with our vet and praying on it, my husband and I have agreed to put our dog to sleep. She has been displaying more aggressive and violent behavior and has bitten both me and my husband. Our vet feels it is just a matter of time until she bites someone else, perhaps our daughter or one of her friends. This is a very difficult decision and one that we are not taking lightly.

To spare our daughter’s feelings until she gets older and can more fully understand the situation, we want to tell her that our dog went away to live with a trainer who can handle her better than we can.

Is this a mortal sin? Do we need to receive the sacrament of reconciliation before we can receive the Eucharist?

Thank you.

 

[Xantippe]

After much discussion with our vet and praying on it, my husband and I have agreed to put our dog to sleep. She has been displaying more aggressive and violent behavior and has bitten both me and my husband. Our vet feels it is just a matter of time until she bites someone else, perhaps our daughter or one of her friends. This is a very difficult decision and one that we are not taking lightly.

To spare our daughter’s feelings until she gets older and can more fully understand the situation, we want to tell her that our dog went away to live with a trainer who can handle her better than we can.

Is this a mortal sin? Do we need to receive the sacrament of reconciliation before we can receive the Eucharist?

Thank you.

How old is your daughter?

 

[1ke]

After much discussion with our vet and praying on it, my husband and I have agreed to put our dog to sleep. She has been displaying more aggressive and violent behavior and has bitten both me and my husband. Our vet feels it is just a matter of time until she bites someone else, perhaps our daughter or one of her friends. This is a very difficult decision and one that we are not taking lightly.

To spare our daughter’s feelings until she gets older and can more fully understand the situation, we want to tell her that our dog went away to live with a trainer who can handle her better than we can.

Is this a mortal sin? Do we need to receive the sacrament of reconciliation before we can receive the Eucharist?

Thank you.

You don’t say how old your daughter is. If she is very young, she may not really know what’s going on.

When my niece was 3, my brother’s cat got out of the house and got run over. She didn’t even notice the cat was gone for a long time. Then never really asked about it again.

Small children have no concept of time, object permanence, etc. So, simply take the dog to the vet and then if she asks you can tell her the dog isn’t coming back to live with you because he’s might bite. That’s true.

If the child is older, you can still say the same thing. The dog isn’t coming back.

It’s wrong to lie to anyone. Lies are sins against the 8th commandment. You haven’t lied yet, so don’t get in the habit. If you do move forward with the lie, then talk it over with your priest. No one here is in a position to tell you if you are in a state of mortal sin or not.

 

[St_Francis]

Something must be causing the dog’s aggression–if your child is older, tell her that the dog was sick in a way the vet could not fix, and so you had to put the dog to sleep before the dog really hurt someone. If she was close to the dog, reassure her that the dog is acting out of character and bring up good times with the dog, so if the dog could think about its actions, the dog wouldn’t want to have hurt someone.

If your child is younger, you can just tell her the dog died, and not go into detail about how.

I am sure this has been a very difficult decision for you and your husband, and you have my sympathies.

 

[sariejack]

Our daughter is nine, so she is of the age of reason. However, we had to have two of her kittens put to sleep last year because they were in the advanced stages of leukemia. She was (and even still is) very upset. I don’t want to cause her further pain, which is why I don’t want to tell her the truth.

 

[1ke]

Our daughter is nine, so she is of the age of reason. However, we had to have two of her kittens put to sleep last year because they were in the advanced stages of leukemia. She was (and even still is) very upset. I don’t want to cause her further pain, which is why I don’t want to tell her the truth.

None of us knows you or your daughter, so ultimately you’re going to have to decide what to do in your situation.

What we can tell you is that lying is wrong. And if you know it’s wrong and do it anyway, yes it’s a sin. And, if you plan to lie and go to confession-- that’s the additional sin of presumption. And that doesn’t really show contrition does it?

Also, it is certainly a parental instinct to protect our children from things that are hurtful. But it can be MORE hurtful to protect them from every thing that comes into their path than to help them build virtue and character and work through their pain and difficulty.

I don’t think you’d be doing your daughter any favors by lying to her. Nine is old enough to understand and process this. Yes, it will be sad, but helping her process her emotions is more helpful than avoiding them.

 

[FrenzyJen]

I’m bothered by your pre-planning to go to confession after lying, regardless of what we say, apparently.

Anyways, I like what that other poster said about the dog being sick in a way the vet couldn’t fix. Mental health is a sickness as well. But be plain about the fact that the dog is dead.

I’m not a fan of skirting around this sort of issue, as children learn coping skills in childhood, and if they don’t, then you end up with adults who can’t cope with life.

 

[sariejack]

I didn’t mean to sound as though I were pre-planning to go to confession. As a new convert, I am still getting used to the sacrament of reconciliation. Growing up as a Methodist, I didn’t learn the concept of presumption and we didn’t really cover it in RCIA. That’s why I came here first. I didn’t know how to handle the situation properly.

 

[cargau]

One of the problems with modern child rearing is the impulse to “protect” children from any pain. This, in my opinion, does them a great disservice. Allowing your child to experience grief will actually help them to mature emotionally.

Be honest with your child. Tell her that “dog’s name” is not himself anymore and we need to put him to sleep for everyone’s benefit. Let your daughter say goodbye before taking him to the vet and let your daughter mourn the loss. She will survive.

 

[1ke]

I didn’t mean to sound as though I were pre-planning to go to confession. As a new convert, I am still getting used to the sacrament of reconciliation. Growing up as a Methodist, I didn’t learn the concept of presumption and we didn’t really cover it in RCIA. That’s why I came here first. I didn’t know how to handle the situation properly.

Ah, gotcha. Yes, it can be difficult to navigate confession as a new Catholic. Generally, if you find yourself saying, “well, I’ll just go to confession afterwards…” that is a sign your conscience isn’t well formed at that point and you need to step off what you were about to do and consider it some more!

I hope you will take some of our feedback into consideration, resisting the urge to ‘protect’ your daughter from working through these emotions.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Our daughter is nine, so she is of the age of reason. However, we had to have two of her kittens put to sleep last year because they were in the advanced stages of leukemia. She was (and even still is) very upset. I don’t want to cause her further pain, which is why I don’t want to tell her the truth.

What happens if she finds out the truth?

It’s nice to want to spare your daughter pain, but wouldn’t she miss the dog anyway if she believed it to be living somewhere else? And what happens when she asks, can we visit the dog? Is the dog better now with the trainer? Can the dog come home?

She’s old enough to understand. Sad things happen in life, and shielding her from them isn’t going to be possible. Help her learn to cope with sad events.

 

[Xantippe]

A 9-year-old (if she’s average developmentally) is old enough that I think lying is going to cause you a lot of problems.

Your daughter needs to be able to believe in your truthfulness.

 

[sariejack]

I want to thank everyone for replying to my question. As a new (but happy to have converted) Catholic, there are still issues that I am not sure how to handle. I read these forums constantly to get the answers to questions we didn’t cover in RCIA.

One of the reasons I converted (I did not marry into the faith, but we felt called to convert as a family last year) was that I could always find endless justifications for my actions. So, too did the people around me. What I have loved most about Catholicism is that there are rules for right and wrong.

I was falling into my old habit of justification and that was wrong, and you all called me on it.

I will tell my daughter the truth, and I made an appointment to confess at lunch today.

This makes a hard day harder, but it is the right thing to do.

 

[nodito]

sariejack:

I will tell my daughter the truth, and I made an appointment to confess at lunch today.

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for the loss of your pet. It sounds like you’ve reached a good decision about this now and are handling it with maturity. I hope your daughter is able to grieve and recover.

God bless.

 

[Bonnie]

I will tell my daughter the truth, and I made an appointment to confess at lunch today.

This makes a hard day harder, but it is the right thing to do.

Good choice. It is hard, but the consequences of lying to one’s children is even harder. I never even told my children to believe in Santa Clause, partly because I’m not comfortable even with “white” lies, and partly because my parents didn’t do that, so I had no idea how to make my children believe something that wasn’t true.

Telling the truth was sometimes painful (dead pets are very hard), but my kids learned that I would always be truthful. They are young adults now and still trust me.

 

[midori]

I came into the conversation late-- but I wanted to say kudos for doing the right thing.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Depending on her maturity, the discussion can include the concepts of responsibility to others and liability for failing to act.

You have an aggressive dog which has bitten not just one, but two members of the family. You have the opinion of a vet on the risk that dog now is to other people.

You like your dog, probably a lot, but you love the people around you. Unfortunately as adults we’re sometimes faced with having to take unpleasant but very necessary actions to protect those we are responsible for, to not allow preventable incidents to occur. If you fail to act, knowing what you know, you’re both morally and legally liable for accepting that risk not just to yourselves, but to others. You can explain that to your daughter, she’s more important to you than the dog. You can not accept the risk that she may be seriously injured if you fail to act.

 

[heidi_storage]

Good for you. My mom didn’t tell me when my cat died in my neighbor’s yard; for two weeks, I thought she was just lost. I was beyond hurt when I learned the truth.

 

[Beryllos]

What happens if she finds out the truth?

Your daughter needs to be able to believe in your truthfulness.

I will tell my daughter the truth …

That is good. Don’t be surprised if she says in reply that she already knew or suspected the truth. Kids often can tell when adults are lying.

 

[EasterJoy]

Our daughter is nine, so she is of the age of reason. However, we had to have two of her kittens put to sleep last year because they were in the advanced stages of leukemia. She was (and even still is) very upset. I don’t want to cause her further pain, which is why I don’t want to tell her the truth.

She lost her kittens and now she is losing her dog. That is going to hurt.

…I will tell my daughter the truth, and I made an appointment to confess at lunch today.

This makes a hard day harder, but it is the right thing to do.

You can tell her you wish very much that sending the dog to a trainer would solve the dog’s problem and make her safe, because of course your dog is very much loved, but that your dog’s doctor doesn’t think this is realistic. Vets love animals very much; they don’t make these recommendations lightly.

I think it is a good idea to tell her how hard it is to tell her, how sad you are yourself to lose the dog, and yet how inescapable it was to see that it was a matter of time before someone got hurt. Aggressive dogs have killed people. This is a situation where holding out hope could do great and lasting damage to an innocent person. This is one of those hard parts of welcoming a pet into your life and taking responsibility for it.

No matter how you explain this, accept that your daughter may react rather than respond. Do not punish yourself, if she does. Be prepared for that pain-driven reaction, rather than acceptance. Grief does not work that way, most of the time, after all, does it? She could very easily go through some combination of denial, anger, bargaining, and deep sadness before she arrives at acceptance. That is as natural as death itself. Just be there for her, and do not second-guess your decisions, neither the one to take your veterinarian’s advice nor the one to tell your daughter the truth about the dog’s prognosis.