Is it a Mortal Sin when homeschooled teenager consistently refuses to do his schoolwork

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Gilly_flower said:
It seems entirely natural that a 15 year old boy would rebel against the suffocating restrictions of being homeschooled by his mother in the company of his younger siblings. He is a young man and needs to be encouraged to spread his wings and make friends away from parental apron strings.
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100 percent correct.
 
Maybe I have a different perspective because I’m an educator, but when my students stop performing I find out WHY. Could he need reading glasses? Could he be depressed (his mentions of things being pointless and having no plans for the future is a big red flag for me)? Could he have a mild learning disability that’s only coming into play now that the work is more complex? Sometimes kids have trouble explaining or p(name removed by moderator)ointing their problems when their problems stem from causes like these, because this is their “normal.” Or, perhaps he needs the help of a tutor…someone with a different way of explaining things to make them click.

Don’t regard this as mortal sin, heresy, or rebellion. Figure out what the true issue is before you just punish it out of him.
 
I agree with everyone else who has said that this is a case of a kid who is disengaged, possibly having a problem (learning disability, depression, extreme dissatisfaction with the stuff he is being made to study) and you need to find out why. Punishing him and calling his behavior a “mortal sin” (which is really something that only he and his conscience and his confessor can determine; it’s not for the parents to decide) is not going to help here.

If you and your husband can’t get your son to open up/ talk to you/ tell you what’s bothering him beyond just that his schoolwork is uninteresting to him (which it very well might be), then it’s time to find a good therapist to whom he can open up.

Personally, if I were 15 and my parents reacted to my not doing schoolwork by removing all my privileges and telling me I was in “mortal sin”, I’d be very disinclined to try to talk to them about anything that was on my mind. I’d just figure it was pointless to even try to discuss anything with the resident authority figures.
 
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Obviously if punishment is not working, it’s time to try another strategy.

Switch up his routine. At that age I would have found it very difficult to sit in a library for up to 5 and a half hours with only my sibling for company. Maybe switch up the subjects he’s studying as well, or approach them in a new way. He does sound disengaged - have you asked him how long he’s felt that way? I’d imagine it would be longer than the last three weeks.

Maybe you and he could read up on different learning styles. If he doesn’t learn best by sitting at a desk, then he will feel disengaged. Does he prefer hands-on activities?

Does he socialise much outside the family? I’d encourage that as much as possible. Let him go out with a group of friends and enjoy himself.

I’d also suggest not pressuring him. If he says he doesn’t know what he wants to do, get him to think of what his interests are (outside of schooling). Encourage him to explore them. Maybe you and he could arrange some work experience/volunteering together so he can see different opportunities.

The last thing I’d say is not to make a big deal out of it. Most teenagers will rebel, it’s part of growing up. Stay calm, stay patient and remember that this too shall pass 🙂.
 
We too use seton. Ironically his curriculum WOULD teach that this is sinful and a violation of the 4th commandment…
 
I’ve got two children that age, 17 and almost 15.

All that time in a library, quiet, just working on their own would make them frustrated. I could see occasionally if they had a long project to do. But not so frequently.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
If you and your husband can’t get your son to open up/ talk to you/ tell you what’s bothering him beyond just that his schoolwork is uninteresting to him (which it very well might be), then it’s time to find a good therapist to whom he can open up.
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This was my thought as well. And at this age it’s fairly natural for kids to want to talk to someone other than their parents anyway. This sounds like a kid who doesn’t feel like it’s ok for him to tell his parents the problem. Give him an outlet to talk to someone who can work with him.

Homeschooling tends to really encourage the mentality that teens should go to their parents for everything, but it doesn’t always work that way.
 
Perhaps it would help to ask first. @Maria7377 is he involved in any extracurriculars? Does he have outside friends?
Maria7377 said:
Four days out of the week, I drop off my oldest daughter (17) and my son at a very nice public library so they can do their work in peace (they have a small room that is only for teens.
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Is there Internet access? Is he getting his work done or gaming?

Have you considered switching your approach or method? Could you carve away some time each day for him to learn more about an interest and make it an elective?

Fifteen is too young in most states to get a job, but could he apprentice somewhere and learn more about a potential career choice?
 
DarkLight said:
Homeschooling tends to really encourage the mentality that teens should go to their parents for everything, but it doesn’t always work that way.
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At some point teens need (name removed by moderator)ut from and significant interaction with adults who aren’t their parents. I know that a lot of parents, including my own mother, get a little perturbed by that because they worry the kid will learn values at odds with the ones the parents are advocating. But it’s both helpful and necessary for teens to learn from a wide variety of adults.
 
It sounds like your son lacks a goal in life. When I was that age, I didn’t really know about what I could do when I grew up, and my parents were unhelpful in discerning a future. It was that Live and let live time when people “found themselves” rather than “making themselves,” if you see what I mean.

You haven’t mentioned anything that your son likes to do. He may feel isolated. He may just need a bit of a break to sort out within himself what he likes and where he wants to go.

You and your husband may not be the best people to help him with this process because he may need information that you can’t give him.

One thing that I heard from Fr Ripperger which really made an impact on me was that protecting teens and children from the world does not actually make them good, because they are well-behaved only because they have no temptations. They need to go out in the world and *learn how to deal with the temptations" instead of never facing them.

Your son is at an age where he is changing into a man. He needs to have challenges in his life, he needs to sort out his future. Without being in the world, he will lack those things he needs to accomplish that. They also need to go out and learn how to deal with challenges, not just temptations.
 
John_Martin said:
If he does his chores, he has somehow come to the modern culture’s opinion (heresy) that learning and study are self chosen and self directed.
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Learning can be self directed or taught by others. How is it “heresy” to say that some learning is self directed?
 
AZ42 said:
Learning can be self directed or taught by others. How is it “heresy” to say that some learning is self directed?
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"It is my opinion that two plus two equals five; I don’t care what teachers say - they have no authority over me. 2 plus 2 equals five, period, so I have no intention of memorizing your addition tables this week.

Heresy is self chosen teaching (or opinion of doctrine) whereas “orthodoxy” is submitting to authority (such as, doing what your teacher assigns to facilitate the teacher’s pedagogical method, say, of repetition).
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
At some point teens need (name removed by moderator)ut from and significant interaction with adults who aren’t their parents. I know that a lot of parents, including my own mother, get a little perturbed by that because they worry the kid will learn values at odds with the ones the parents are advocating. But it’s both helpful and necessary for teens to learn from a wide variety of adults.
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It’s worth remembering how ahistorical the “nuclear family” in the way we have it is. Historically most people tended to live in much closer communities and have extended family around, where the children naturally had access to other adults. That’s not being replicated in quite the same way in the modern homeschool environment where teens largely stay at home with just their parents and siblings. If the teen feels they can’t tell their parents the real problem, they’ll just clam up and act out.
 
I was homeschooled.

At one point I was such a little jerk that my mom suspended me and made me pay a fine to be allowed to study again.

Homeschoolers are not somehow exempt from rebellion. When I was that age, my parents had switched curriculum for high school and it was so boring/redundant. I already knew this stuff, what was the point?

So, homeschool is a big term. Do you use a “curriculum in a box” model or a made from scratch or something in between?

Sit down and talk to him, no emotion, just find out what he does not like. What interests him? At his age, he may be ready for some courses at the community college where he would be more intellectually stimulated.

Maybe he is more drawn to hands on skills like carpentry or he has a real passion for robotics/math.

And maybe he is just rebelling to rebel. Maybe it is FOMO as he sees his friends having a more typical high school life.

There is a good book I read when DS was a teen called “Why Christian Kids Rebel”. I saw myself in those pages.
 
There’s also no real way for a kid to win in a dispute with his parents. If a kid at school is having trouble with his teacher, then a lot of the time it will either be seen as a “problem with the teacher” or more neutrally as a conflict between how the kid learns and how the teacher teaches. Often the solution is to move the kid to a different class or a different school.

When you’re homeschooled, there’s no way you can just move to a different class, and any disagreement you have over class work, learning expectations etc risks getting framed as “disrespect to parents”.
 
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Maybe he needs the structure and discipline of a regular school. Maybe homeschooling isn’t for him in particular. The thing is to find a good school that can help him want to learn. He is not old enough to drop out, I don’t think. I was told once that 16 is the age when a kid could possibly drop out of school. But the question is, what would he do if he no longer went to school?
 
How are you defining self-directed learning?

As I’ve practiced it, it requires discovering and mastering the facts, not inventing them willy nilly. And self-directed does not mean guidance-free.

Much of college and graduate school is self-directed learning when a student writes a thesis or dissertation. This also applies to the high schooler doing a research paper, designing an experiment, or building a creation. Selecting a topic of interested and pursuing the research on it is an important skill to master. While there are overseers such as proofreaders, the initiative - not to mention a fascination with the topic - necessarily must come from within.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
When you’re homeschooled, there’s no way you can just move to a different class, and any disagreement you have over class work, learning expectations etc risks getting framed as “disrespect to parents”.
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Well, disrespect to teachers is also an issue . . . and a skill that I unfortunately mastered in high school. :roll_eyes:
Maria7377 said:
Well, we spend a great deal of time together every day.
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That could actually be the issue.

The way I homeschool, my children are continually enrolled in different classes just to get a break from me. Where we lived until recently, we actually had a cottage school with classes specifically designed for homeschoolers. I dropped them off and picked them up. There was also a lounge there with a coffee bar and lots of board games, or they’d go outside for a spontaneous frisbee or soccer session. Even as a staunch supporter of homeschooling, I know they need a break from me.

Most people don’t have this wonderful resource, but homeschooling is becoming so mainstream right now @Maria7377 that there’s bound to be something where you live. If you want to PM me your location, I’m happy to point you in the right direction.

I can’t tell you the underlying cause of your son’s behavior, but he’s definitely in a rut that he needs to break out of.

Zoos and museums frequently offer courses specifically for homeschoolers, including teenagers, during the school day. My kids attend classes at a science museum, and that gives them lab work that I couldn’t replicate at home from a Pinterest board, lol! Our local Catholic homeschool group hosts board game nights for teens and tweens.

Or tell your son that he needs to get active and allow him to choose a sport. Your local YMCA or rec center will have some summer sign-ups going now. Most states even allow homeschoolers to participate in public school sports.

At fifteen, he’s almost old enough to enroll in a local community college class.

There are lots and lots of ideas, but he needs his routine shaken up.

You might also prayerfully consider changing your homeschool approach with him. A key reason why I homeschool is for the freedom to avoid one-size-fits-all education. A new approach or curriculum might work wonders. I’ll say a prayer for you!
 
You may want to rethink leaving him at the library for hours like that.
Lots of ways he might be getting ideas, especially if there’s internet access…
 
When I was that age, I didn’t do any homework- it’s because I was depressed and anxious from being bullied all the time and mistreated by teachers, and thus, I didn’t see the point in school. I became despondent about life.

Please pardon my opinion if it offends you or if it is wrong for me to speak up due to my young age, but I feel as if taking away his privileges will not help him, it will just make him ask, “What’s the use in trying? I’m miserable either way.” Please try to ask him what’s going on and pray for him fervently, and I ask you to please consider doing this before taking privileges away, because my parents did this to me, and I became even more depressed. In that way, I lost contact with many close family members and friends who cared about me but lived far away from me, as I could not access Facebook, email, or instant messengers to contact them. Those relationships have suffered from the years of silence, and many have not been recovered or restored fully. I have attempted to recover many of the relationships in the past year, and am glad to say at least one or two were restored, who understood the silence after I explained it to them, and had compassion on me.

Teenagers can be hard to get through to, and hard to understand- I was one only 5 years ago, and we can sometimes feel a great emotional weight, as if the entire world is against us. Becoming an adult is a difficult job, the world today is very hard to live in, and teenagers are smack dab in the middle of that job and smack dab in the middle of that perilous world.

I’d like to apologize if it is incorrect for me to speak up on this topic because I am only in my mid-twenties, and because I am not the head of your household. Please forgive me if I have said anything to anger you. I simply feel compassion having been in a similar position to your son, and wish to help if possible.
 
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