Is it a sin not wanting to get married?

[The_Chicken]

I am quite sure that I don’t want to get married and even more sure that I don’t want to have children. I will live a life of celibacy. I don’t mean I can’t change my mind, but this is the way I think now. Is it a sin to think this way? Does everyone must get married? What if I got married and never had sex with my wife because I don’t want children, would it be a sin?
Thanks for reading!

 

[yinekka]

As far as I am aware it is not a sin not wanting to get married as long as you live chastely according to your state in life.

If you get married you have to be open to life. That is one of the things you affirm when you get married. That said, I read that St Therese of Liseaux parents decided to live as brother and sister initially.

Perhaps it would be adivsable if/when you consider marrying you speak frankly to your fiance and consult a faithful priest.

 

[Trishie]

Hi. If you wished to remain a single celebate it would not be sinful. Priests, religious, and consecrated singles live celebate lives as you know.

However I think one might need to look at and examine one’s motives, whether or not one’s decision is guided by any kind of negative influence that may need healing.
We do need also to honestly seek as much as possible with prayer and reflection, (and even advice from a counsellor or spiritual director) as to what may be God’s wishes for our life, what He dreams for us and for others through us, but I’m sure you know that. God has created us and loves us, so we owe respect to His purpose.

That aside it’s not intrinsically wrong to determine on a celebate life. As for getting married and never having sex with your wife, ouch! However I can’t know your basic reasons and they may change the question. Your wife would have to be very sure she wanted to remain celebate, and that a time wouldn’t come when she might find it emotionally destroying not to have children. Can one be certain?

Whether or not your marriage would be valid if you weren’t open to life…there are others who can answer that. I do know that at first St Therese’s parents remained celebate…but I’m really rather glad it didn’t last!

Anyway, God grant you wisdom and blessing in your search for God’s hopes within your life. God grant you peace. Trishie

 

[BamaRider]

chicken wrote-

I am quite sure that I don’t want to get married and even more sure that I don’t want to have children. I will live a life of celibacy. I don’t mean I can’t change my mind, but this is the way I think now. Is it a sin to think this way? Does everyone must get married? What if I got married and never had sex with my wife because I don’t want children, would it be a sin?
Thanks for reading!

I’m just regualr folks, but this has me scratching my head.

Guess not a sin to think or live this way, but unless your giving up marriage, sex, children, for a higher calling I don’t see the point.

If you feel this way it could be a message for you to think about a vocation of some kind, but I’m no expert.

I mean, if I’m gonna give up married life and all of its “benefits,” it better be for a good reason.

 

[The_Chicken]

Basically, I don’t want children, ever. I don’t think I will ever be able to be responsible about other people’s education from the womb. Not so much about being able, but I feel it is way too much responsibility, and I don’t feel confident for that. And also, I like so much to be free, I don’t want a wife. Marriage requires a lot of “work”, and it is a thing for a lifetime. The way that most people are today, I think it would be very hard to find somebody who takes religion as serious as I do and is my “match”. Also, my dream are big, I dream about going to places, and doing things that would be quite difficult to do if I had a lonely girl at home expecting for me.
Hope it makes sense.

 

[Salonika]

I don’t think it’s a sin not to want to get married or not to have children. Some people recognise that their personality/way of life is more suited to the single life but that doesn’t mean that they don’t like children – sometimes they are the aunts and uncle and great aunts and great uncles that are one of the highlights of their nieces and nephews childhood. Others realise that they are not prepared to give a spouse and/or children the time they need.

If people who do not want children decide to get married I think it is very important that they are totally upfront about this desire and that if the other party to the marriage wants children that they do not downplay this by thinking such things as “when we are married they will change their mind and want children.” Yes, they may but also they may not. Keeping quiet about the desire not to have children is, in my view is as unfair, as not saying that you want to have children.

 

[BlaineTog]

I don’t think I will ever be able to be responsible about other people’s education from the womb. Not so much about being able, but I feel it is way too much responsibility, and I don’t feel confident for that.

From what I understand, pretty much all parents feel that way. Heck, I want kids (eventually) and I’m utterly daunted by the mere concept of raising them.

And also, I like so much to be free, I don’t want a wife. Marriage requires a lot of “work”, and it is a thing for a lifetime. The way that most people are today, I think it would be very hard to find somebody who takes religion as serious as I do and is my “match”. Also, my dream are big, I dream about going to places, and doing things that would be quite difficult to do if I had a lonely girl at home expecting for me.

From what I understand, pretty much everyone feels the same way… until they meet the right girl. And of course, you could always take her with you.

That said, no, it isn’t the least bit sinful to stay single by choice, as long as you do it chastely. Everyone has a different calling, and yours may not have a wife on it.

(Also, a marriage in which you never have sex, beginning to end, isn’t a marriage. And it would be sinful to constantly refuse to have sex with your wife if she wanted it. Finally, the central point of marriage is children. The marriage is incoherent if the spouses refuse to have children, since romantic love is not insular by nature by rising and waxing).

 

[The_Chicken]

I don’t think it’s a sin not to want to get married or not to have children. Some people recognise that their personality/way of life is more suited to the single life but that doesn’t mean that they don’t like children – sometimes they are the aunts and uncle and great aunts and great uncles that are one of the highlights of their nieces and nephews childhood. Others realise that they are not prepared to give a spouse and/or children the time they need.

If people who do not want children decide to get married I think it is very important that they are totally upfront about this desire and that if the other party to the marriage wants children that they do not downplay this by thinking such things as “when we are married they will change their mind and want children.” Yes, they may but also they may not. Keeping quiet about the desire not to have children is, in my view is as unfair, as not saying that you want to have children.

I pretty much am very clear about everything I do. The last thing on the world I would want is having a unhappy wife because she wants kids and I don’t.

From what I understand, pretty much all parents feel that way. Heck, I want kids (eventually) and I’m utterly daunted by the mere concept of raising them.

From what I understand, pretty much everyone feels the same way… until they meet the right girl. And of course, you could always take her with you.

That said, no, it isn’t the least bit sinful to stay single by choice, as long as you do it chastely. Everyone has a different calling, and yours may not have a wife on it.

(Also, a marriage in which you never have sex, beginning to end, isn’t a marriage. And it would be sinful to constantly refuse to have sex with your wife if she wanted it).

I get what you say. But that is how I see it now. I doubt I will ever want kids, a marriage is a remote possibility. But these two combined tell me I will stay single.

 

[m134e5]

It isn’t a sin to not want to get married. This desire or lack of desire is often something that points us in the direction of our vocation- whether it be to marriage, the priesthood, the religious life, or to singlehood as a lay person.

Guess not a sin to think or live this way, but unless your giving up marriage, sex, children, for a higher calling I don’t see the point.

You don’t see the point of what? Not doing something that you don’t want to do in the first place? People often don’t understand that some people enjoy being single. Some people don’t have strong sex drives and they could do without it. Some people don’t do well with children and wouldn’t be good parents. Some people just wouldn’t do well having to share their things, their space, their hearts, their lives with another person as closely as marriage requires them to. These things are fine, as long as they are open to God’s will in their lives (which may, but doesn’t have to include marriage, the priesthood, or the religious life).

 

[1ke]

I am quite sure that I don’t want to get married and even more sure that I don’t want to have children. I will live a life of celibacy. I don’t mean I can’t change my mind, but this is the way I think now. Is it a sin to think this way? Does everyone must get married?

We are all called to a vocation-- to work to build up the Kingdom of God-- through our baptism. Not everyone is called to the vocation of marriage.

If you are not called to marriage, do not marry.

You can work for the Kingdom as a single person-- either in consecrated life (priest, brother, sister) or as a single living in the world. You might look up Opus Dei. Those associated with Opus Dei live and work in the world but focus on dedicating that work to God.

What if I got married and never had sex with my wife because I don’t want children, would it be a sin?

Yes, that would be wrong. When we marry, we pledge our fidelity and exclusivity to our spouse. We pledge our bodies one to the other. It is gravely wrong to deny your spouse sexual relations. One also cannot seek to marry validly with an intention against children.

If you aren’t called to marriage, don’t marry.

As you go through life, you may find that you do desire marriage and children. Let God lead you. Don’t say “never,” just listen to what you believe God is calling you to do with your life and vocation.

 

[1ke]

Basically, I don’t want children, ever. I don’t think I will ever be able to be responsible about other people’s education from the womb. Not so much about being able, but I feel it is way too much responsibility, and I don’t feel confident for that. And also, I like so much to be free, I don’t want a wife. Marriage requires a lot of “work”, and it is a thing for a lifetime. The way that most people are today, I think it would be very hard to find somebody who takes religion as serious as I do and is my “match”. Also, my dream are big, I dream about going to places, and doing things that would be quite difficult to do if I had a lonely girl at home expecting for me.
Hope it makes sense.

Well, now I’ve read a little further into the thread. I must say, that while it is not sinful to remain single the reasons you give in this post basically give this impression (and I say impression because of course we can’t know everything about you from two or three posts): I don’t want to get married because I’m selfish and lazy.

I would say that the particular reasons you are giving-- you want to be “free” to do as you please, don’t want to work in a marriage, want to live a carefree lifestyle and not be responsible for others, etc, is a lifestyle that does not embrace the Gospel. It is not a life of virtue, of growing in holiness and serving others.

Marriage is one vocation that calls us to holiness and sacrifice. The priesthood/religious life is another. If you are not going to go into either of these vocations, the fact that you are also called to grow in holiness, work for the Kingdom, and live virtuously remains.

I would suggest you get some spiritual direction. All of your desires seem to be focused inward towards fulfilling your own material, secular happiness rather than on sacrificing in love for others.

I would say that, in itself, is problematic. (Again, I’m basing this solely on what you have expressed as your reasons that you do not want to marry. It just seems to me that you have some issues that need to be examined).

 

[Salonika]

Hi “The Chicken

Your posts, both the one I replied to and the later one, sure make sense to me. Also the fact you have thought about the issues shows through in your posts. In my previous post I was talking generally about the need for people to make sure the shared their desire to have or not have children before marriage, wasn’t implying you had not – sorry if it came across that way.

Like you, I’ve never had the desire for marriage and children and have had people say to me when you meet the real guy if will be different or when the child arrives all your doubts will disappear. My reaction to that – don’t discount what I said and what about the effects on all involved, especially the child, if I still felt the same way after it arrived. I don’t think people undergo a complete personality change on marriage, or on the birth of a child, even if they intend it.

 

[stbruno]

There is a vocation to the singlehood, without the benefit of becoming a religious or a priest. However, as others have indicated already, it must be celibate. The life of one who is single is not as easy as it supposes.
You are solely responsible for taking care of a home,
paying bills, growing old and so much more.
But if you set your foundation, as this weekend gospel talks about on the “rock” foundation of Jesus then your life will be solid.
Pray for the right choice…and for many, being single is their vocation as God intended.

 

[teachccd]

Basically, I don’t want children, ever. I don’t think I will ever be able to be responsible about other people’s education from the womb. Not so much about being able, but I feel it is way too much responsibility, and I don’t feel confident for that. And also, I like so much to be free, I don’t want a wife. Marriage requires a lot of “work”, and it is a thing for a lifetime. The way that most people are today, I think it would be very hard to find somebody who takes religion as serious as I do and is my “match”. Also, my dream are big, I dream about going to places, and doing things that would be quite difficult to do if I had a lonely girl at home expecting for me.
Hope it makes sense.

I don’t know you personally but by your post there is only one word that comes to my mind: Selfish…

 

[JMBNH]

I am quite sure that I don’t want to get married and even more sure that I don’t want to have children. I will live a life of celibacy. I don’t mean I can’t change my mind, but this is the way I think now. Is it a sin to think this way? Does everyone must get married? What if I got married and never had sex with my wife because I don’t want children, would it be a sin?
Thanks for reading!

I have been told by an evangelical that it’s wrong not to look for a wife, though I take it the idea comes from Catholics valuing celibacy.

As for getting married I don’t expect to get married. I’m not against getting married IF (and it’s a huge if- I’ve met hundreds of girls and not been the tiniest bit close to even going out with a single one of them) I meet someone I really want to marry but I am against getting married just because it’s the done thing, as many people seem to do, for example someone I know is obsessed with ‘finding a wife’, which not only puts off girls as they see he’d be more into a wife in general than him, but also it’s a big assumption to talk about when you get married as many single people do.

 

[goofyjim]

How can not wanting to get married be a sin? It’s really up to me to discern God’s calling in my life and even if He is calling me to marriage and I reject that there is no sin involved because He hasn’t stepped down out of the sky to say, “Jim, get married”. So it’s really just up to me.

 

[cecilia97]

chicken wrote-

I’m just regualr folks, but this has me scratching my head.

Guess not a sin to think or live this way, but unless your giving up marriage, sex, children, for a higher calling I don’t see the point.

If you feel this way it could be a message for you to think about a vocation of some kind, but I’m no expert.

I mean, if I’m gonna give up married life and all of its “benefits,” it better be for a good reason.

Well, we’ve all had different experiences. I was married and it was very bad for my mental, physical, spiritual, and financial health. So marriage doesn’t equal any benefits for some of us.

As to a “point”…I am seeing one in my single life now. When church and ministry leaders learn I’m a single person with no time obligations to kids and I’m willing to volunteer…BINGO! Their eyes light up and there’s always something they need help with. So one can serve as a single lay person.

 

[The_Chicken]

I read all the posts and some of them have quite interesting comments. To the ones that talk about me being selfish, maybe it’s true, I don’t deny it, but even then, if I got married I would be an horrible husband if I remain basically the same person I am now. This is the work of a lifetime, I have a lot of struggles inside myself, that will take time for me to resolve. An then, who knows? Maybe then I will want to get married and have children.

 

[Salonika]

I think that sometimes when people consider another person is being selfish, the other person may actually be being self-centred eg recognising how they really are, doing work on themselves, discerning their call in life. This can seem selfish to others because it can take up so much time and energy that there isn’t much remaining after doing the usual daily chores of life and earning a living.

I also think it is a good idea for people not in a deep relationship (engaged/married) to do what they consider necessary personal work before getting into one or taking it further. Why? because it can be scary when people close to you change. Also it can be scary for the other person when they are not sure what the person close to them is saying to those they are working with - priests, therapists, spiritual directors etc and what the outcome may be.

(An aside - not saying engaged and married people shouldn’t do work on themselves, discernment etc - think they should - but this thread is about singles.)

Best wishes, The Chicken, in your continuing discernment.

 

[jackhf12]

I read all the posts and some of them have quite interesting comments. To the ones that talk about me being selfish, maybe it’s true, I don’t deny it, but even then, if I got married I would be an horrible husband if I remain basically the same person I am now. This is the work of a lifetime, I have a lot of struggles inside myself, that will take time for me to resolve. An then, who knows? Maybe then I will want to get married and have children.

I understand where you’re coming from because I feel much the same. I mean sure I’m capable of doing things for others and being there for them when they need me. And perhaps I could make marriage work, at least on the surface. But I don’t think I could ever commit myself to another person mentally and emotionally. I wish I could because marriage is a tremendous gift, but on the inside I would always look out for myself first. That probably makes me a bad person, even though I try constantly to change, but deep down maybe that’s just who some people are. Perhaps the most selfless thing I could do in my life is not pretend to commit myself to another when they commit themselves to me. Yes I realise the contradiction in that statement but hopefully at least some people out there understand what I’m trying to say.