Is it acceptable to be a provider husband?

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Hi everyone, I was wondering, is it Catholically permitted for a man to provide for his wife?

There are a couple of reasons why I’m asking. First, not having been married before, I didn’t know if maybe there is a rule against it. Also, I’d always been taught that the husband should provide for his wife, and if/when the day comes that I am married to someone, I’d expect to (and be happy to) take care of my wife financially.

Also, is it common for women in their 20’s to want their husband to fully provide for them? I ask because it’s not something that typically comes up in normal conversation, so, I was wondering what Catholic women in their 20’s who want to be married one day feel about having their husband as the full provider?
 
johnsmith2025 said:
Hi everyone, I was wondering, is it Catholically permitted for a man to provide for his wife?

There are a couple of reasons why I’m asking. First, not having been married before, I didn’t know if maybe there is a rule against it. Also, I’d always been taught that the husband should provide for his wife, and if/when the day comes that I am married to someone, I’d expect to (and be happy to) take care of my wife financially.

Also, is it common for women in their 20’s to want their husband to fully provide for them? I ask because it’s not something that typically comes up in normal conversation, so, I was wondering what Catholic women in their 20’s who want to be married one day feel about having their husband as the full provider?
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I’m not a Catholic woman in my 20s, but I was one when I got married, and I kept working until a layoff during pregnancy.

Why is this something that you want?

When you first get married, why shouldn’t both of you work and earn a living? (Barring circumstances like unemployment, disability, hard pregnancy, frequent moves, etc.)

Parenthood is going to be more expensive than you think. It’s very likely that either you or a prospective bride-to-be have substantial debt. Also, downpayments are hard to save up for.

I don’t think that saying this out loud is going to attract the sort of young woman that will make a good wife.

Also, practically speaking, it will be hard for a married non-working wife to make friends and have people to hang out with. There is a SAHM community, but the price of admission is having at least one child. Your hypothetical wife (unless she has no social needs) will eventually get lonely and bored at home.

Bottom line–don’t do it.
 
I can’t see why any young married woman without children would want to stay at home all day. If you are very wealthy, I’m sure there are many nice ways to fill your day - but most people aren’t, and can’t just waste money shopping and lunching out!

If you found a wife who wanted to just clean and cook, then that’s up to her - but women have the same sort of career opportunities as men these days, and the same level of education.

There’s plenty of time for staying at home when your children are born. That’s a completely different situation, as you then have an important job - bringing up your kids. Even so, many women continue to work, either because the family needs the money, or they enjoy their job, or both.
 
Isca said:
I can’t see why any young married woman without children would want to stay at home all day.** If you are very wealthy, I’m sure there are many nice ways to fill your day - but most people aren’t, and can’t just waste money shopping and lunching out!**

If you found a wife who wanted to just clean and cook, then that’s up to her - but women have the same sort of career opportunities as men these days, and the same level of education.
**
There’s plenty of time for staying at home when your children are born.** That’s a completely different situation, as you then have an important job - bringing up your kids. Even so, many women continue to work, either because the family needs the money, or they enjoy their job, or both.
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Right. It’s one thing to not work, attend meetings of the “save the ocelot” society, take care of your polo ponies and plan your next trip to Paris, it’s quite another thing when you stay home all day because there’s no money and then the evening is spent making dinner and washing dishes and watching TV because there’s no money.

Also, if there are fertility problems, quitting one’s job prematurely might be depressing.
 
Yes, it is wonderful if a man provides for his wife & family and it is permitted in the Catholic Faith. This is the ideal situation in my opinion.
 
I was recently discussing this with some other SAHM friends of mine. One of them had a friend or relative who started staying at home as soon as she got married. We were kind of flabbergasted, wondering what she did with her time. It was actually kind of amazing - she got a lot done, but wasn’t really frivolous with her time.

We definitely couldn’t have swung that financially when we were first married, but there is something kind of nice about it - she got to learn the ins and outs of household management, budgeting, how to do things during the day (which is a different animal than running errands on the weekend or in the evenings), etc, without the crazy of hormones and/or having a new baby to deal with at the same time. And of course having a baby changes how a lot of that happens, but she and her husband have also managed to do a lot of those “little projects” that just pile up when you have small kids.

So, I don’t know. In some ways I would have liked that time. But I think you would need to have a fairly good financial position to do it. I know it’s very possible for moms of only school-aged children (who don’t homeschool) to have busy days without working. My mother didn’t return to work until my youngest sister was in middle school. 🤷

Actually, now that I think about it, my mother did not work after getting married before she had kids, either. Now I’ll have to ask her what she did during that time!
 
johnsmith2025 said:
Hi everyone, I was wondering, is it Catholically permitted for a man to provide for his wife?
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I have to ask why you think there would be a church teaching on this? let alone a “rule”?

Have you not encountered many different family choices in your life as a Catholic?
johnsmith2025 said:
Also, I’d always been taught that the husband should provide for his wife
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Taught by whom? Your parents?

Are you in the US or are you perhaps in a country where women do not work?

I think that, if you are in the US, you need to broaden your perspective and shift your thinking on this from “should and shouldn’t” to “what works for us”. This is a matter of prudential judgment, and a particular couple will do what is best for them at that time. A woman OR a man may stay at home, work at home, work outside the home, own a business, care for children, or care for parents at any given time, and likely will shift roles throughout their marriage.

I think you have expectations that are going to lead to a let down. Marriage is a partnership. You “take care of” each other, in whatever form that takes at the moment.
johnsmith2025 said:
I was wondering what Catholic women in their 20’s who want to be married one day feel about having their husband as the full provider?
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There are as many answers to this question as there are Catholic women.
 
Xantippe said:
Right. It’s one thing to not work, attend meetings of the “save the ocelot” society, take care of your polo ponies and plan your next trip to Paris, it’s quite another thing when you stay home all day because there’s no money and then the evening is spent making dinner and washing dishes and watching TV because there’s no money.
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This is a little offensive to me. 😊

Some women, myself included, were stay at home moms with little money. Yes, I washed dishes, made delicious creative dinners with whatever I had and happily watched tv with my husband rather than spend money on going out on a date at night. And the same went on when we had our three children. Not everyone is high maintenance and unhappy being a stay at home wife/mother.

I also found the other extreme unkind as well, sorry. Not all people with money are as fluffy sounding as your example.

Sorry Xantippe, I usually agree with you, but not this time. 🙂
 
Irishmom2 said:
This is a little offensive to me. 😊

Some women, myself included, were stay at home moms with little money.
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In defense of Xantippe, I think she meant when there were NO kids, staying at home can be boring
 
johnsmith2025 said:
Also, I’d always been taught that the husband should provide for his wife, and if/when the day comes that I am married to someone, I’d expect to (and be happy to) take care of my wife financially.
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A lot of men feel that way, but sadly, that is not often feasible. You can’t plan your future to that extent
 
In a marriage, both partners have to be prepared to take care of one another and their family. Whether or not both partners have to work, or which partner should do the working if only one is going to, depends completely on the family, their current situation, and is subject to change as life changes. In general, I think most women would be happy to have a husband who is able to provide all the income in needed, whether or not they decide to take advantage of that for their entire lives together. It makes things much easier if a family can live comfortably on only one income, because you never know when there will be a layoff, an illness, or some other circumstances that will require the family to go single-income for a while.
 
A related anecdote…

The school where I work had an inservice day at the start of the school year and we were all required to do one of those team-building activities. The idea was that the principal asked a question and you had to try to find a partner or a group of people who had the same answer as you. One of the questions was “If you could no longer be a teacher, what would your ideal profession be?” All but six ended up in the same group, which was the stay-at-home-with-our-kids-group. The fact that this was the first day after summer vacation and we were all pretty bummed about being separated from our kids again, but still…that ought to tell you something.
 
It is not only acceptable, but admirable, to plan to be a provider husband. That is just what my husband did.

We married in college, but post-college, he was the provider from the start. I was at times, a stay-at-home wife, before we began our family. When I did work, I was very selective. I wasn’t going to have a career, and I needed to always be ready and flexible so whatever needs my husband had in his career or lifestyle, I was prepared to help and wouldn’t hinder his mobility. . I was looking for employment that would improve myself, develop my skills, and allow me to give to my community, since I did not need a living wage.

So I worked as a teacher in a private school, for a pittance of a salary. Seriously, very little money. One year, as a full time teacher, I was paid only $10K. :eek: The school could only afford to hire married women such as myself who had husbands to support them.

Because my husband had someone else to manage the household and he was free to go wherever the best work was, he was able to develop his skills and increase his earning potential very rapidly. He became a very good provider early on in our marriage. So much so that I was able to quit work and stay home before we had our first child.

We are a couple with simple tastes however. We do not lead a luxurious lifestyle and we have had to be very self-sufficient. Many people would probably say that our lives are boring since we have always enjoyed our evenings at home, date nights playing board games, quiet walks or going to the park with the children. No flashy cars or expensive vacations. Not even pay TV. Just living our daily lives together, and being thankful for the simple meals and plain clothes and clean and safe housing.

So as long as the simple life is to your taste, and you find a bride who is similarly content, then being a provider husband with a stay-at-home wife (or who works or volunteers for her betterment or for thre benefit of the community) is a very good plan.
 
Xantippe said:
Right. It’s one thing to not work, attend meetings of the “save the ocelot” society, take care of your polo ponies and plan your next trip to Paris, it’s quite another thing when you stay home all day because there’s no money and then the evening is spent making dinner and washing dishes and watching TV because there’s no money.
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If a person is staying home all day because there is no money, then they just need to get creative. Go to the library or a park or to a parish book/bible study or to a friend’s house or just for a daily walk. Walk with a neighbor even.

If a person is making dinner and washing dishes, then they obviously have money, even if they choose not to spend it on expensive entertainment.

Even before I had kids, I was a stay-at-home wife, for probably about half of the time. I stayed home all day, unless I had errands, and I spent my evenings making dinners and washing dishes, and yet I was content. I exercised, read, met up with friends on their days off, took care of the laundry and the housework, and yes, sometimes I watched TV. I had a couple pets I took in (strays) and I enjoyed their company and taking care of them. Maybe boring to some, but I was content.
 
Isca said:
I can’t see why any young married woman without children would want to stay at home all day. If you are very wealthy, I’m sure there are many nice ways to fill your day - but most people aren’t, and can’t just waste money shopping and lunching out!

If you found a wife who wanted to just clean and cook, then that’s up to her - but women have the same sort of career opportunities as men these days, and the same level of education.

There’s plenty of time for staying at home when your children are born. That’s a completely different situation, as you then have an important job - bringing up your kids. Even so, many women continue to work, either because the family needs the money, or they enjoy their job, or both.
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I have more education than my husband does, and yet I stay home. Why? Because it was the smartest use of my skills for our family.

Being a simple housewife is an extremely important job, even before children come along.
 
I worked, put my DH through grad school, and when he graduated we tried even harder to start a family (we actually tried very hard when he was writing his thesis). Then, we realized there were serious fertility issues. We were able to get pregnant twice. I lost my first baby, but we were blessed with a second who came early. He had all kinds of developmental disabilities. I had quit my job when I was about 5 month pregnant with him. It was on the doctor’s advice. I was a chemist and did not want to be chained to a lab with a child in daycare. Plus, the efforts it took us to have him and his disabilities made it a no brainier.

DH has been the lone provider since DS was born. However, in the years before we were married, we were very, very cheap. We saved a lot of money in prep for one salary. We bought a modest house with a mortgage based on my lower salary. We’re still here. Since we knew about the fertility issues, we knew we never needed a big house. In fact, we bought a ranch because we felt it would be a house we could grow old in. We have a mortgage and nothing else. I paid off my student loans by working my butt off and literally never going out (I’m a bit of a loaner). I packed my lunch and ate frozen pizzas every night. I was also a lab rat, which allowed me to get a great rating and bonus my first year at work. I socked the whole bonus against my loans and paid them off (I also did work-study in college too). DH was lucky. His grandmother paid for his tuition. However, my DH had the same frugal instincts.

Motherhood is a wonderful vocation. My husband often compliments me on the ability to save money by having the time to follow-up with insurance companies, do home projects myself and keep watch over my son. I do have a tax business as a hobby, but that is more to keep my mind active. DH says his main job is to support his family, sort of in the image of St. Joseph.

Please keep in mind that we are probably exceptional. I am very, very debt adverse because my parents were the same. I am just very, very lucky DH is on the same page.
 
Irishmom2 said:
This is a little offensive to me. 😊

Some women, myself included, were stay at home moms with little money. Yes, I washed dishes, made delicious creative dinners with whatever I had and happily watched tv with my husband rather than spend money on going out on a date at night. And the same went on when we had our three children. Not everyone is high maintenance and unhappy being a stay at home wife/mother.

I also found the other extreme unkind as well, sorry. Not all people with money are as fluffy sounding as your example.

Sorry Xantippe, I usually agree with you, but not this time. 🙂
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See my previous post.

I’m not talking about SAHMs, but about staying at home as a newlywed wife for no particular reason (no kids, no disability, no unemployment, no pregnancy, no frequent relocations). In that situation, the household basics can be taken care of (even to the highest standards) in a few hours, leaving a huge empty day to deal with with nobody at home.
 
Allegra said:
In a marriage, both partners have to be prepared to take care of one another and their family. Whether or not both partners have to work, or which partner should do the working if only one is going to, depends completely on the family, their current situation, and is subject to change as life changes. In general, I think most women would be happy to have a husband who is able to provide all the income in needed, whether or not they decide to take advantage of that for their entire lives together. It makes things much easier if a family can live comfortably on only one income, because you never know when there will be a layoff, an illness, or some other circumstances that will require the family to go single-income for a while.
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Yes.

Likewise, you never know when the working spouse is going to need to step up and do more home stuff because the home spouse is incapacitated. I’m an SAHM, but with my last pregnancy, I had a lot of complications and for the last two trimesters, my husband had to do 90% of home stuff. I just lay around like a queen bee, gestating, watching my diet, and checking my blood sugars four times a day, because that’s all I could do. (Plus a little driving.)

You can’t really plan to do dad-does-all-earning and mom-does-all-home-and-kid-stuff because you can’t guarantee that either is always going to be able to do that.
 
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