Is it acceptable to be a provider husband?

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jmjZelie said:
If you qualify as sexist for wanting your wife to be able to stay home with your children, and for you to be able to provide for your family on your income, then I am a sexist, too. I believe I have been blessed with the ideal arrangement. My husband goes out to work for a salary, and I get to stay home barefoot, in the kitchen, educating our children, very often pregnant or nursing or both. We could not practice ecological breastfeeding, or be able to parent our children in the way we feel is best for them, if I were to go out to work. So we have always made sacrifices to make it work. We have gone through it all with my husband’s work: job layoff, multiple relocations, unemployment, working two jobs, and him working in a different city from me and the kids. All for the sake of me being able to take care of our children. Some here on CAF have dismissed my contributions to these conversations, because they believe that we are obviously well-off, and therefore can easily make this work. I hesitated to state the real truth of it, that it has always been a challenge, but one worth meeting, because I don’t want to invite more discussion about my priorities. But I saw how you have described your viewpoint, and I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Just look for a woman who shares your values. Good luck!
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Thank you. That is just it though… I said on one of my first posts that If a woman loves her work I am not going to take that away from her just like I do not want my job taken from me. But I would also not mind if we were a one income family with me as the bread winner.

My view is offensive to some though apparently.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Just caught this post. Fine… you caught me. I am a sexist, sexist man that expects my wife to be barefoot and pregnant. I will refrain from making any “Stay at home dad” jokes though in retaliation as you seem a bit sensitive 😉

I have not clicked with any yet, I do not know about the future.
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Ahh, but you forgot the third descriptor. Ignorant

Barefoot, ignorant and pregnant.

😉 just kidding
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Thank you. That is just it though… I said on one of my first posts that If a woman loves her work I am not going to take that away from her just like I do not want my job taken from me. But I would also not mind if we were a one income family with me as the bread winner.

My view is offensive to some though apparently.
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I guess a lot of us ladies are sexist too. Many many many working women would do anything to be able to be home. Some husbands won’t allow it for whatever reason.

Some people are so worked up about money that they can’t seem to grasp that there is more to life than the bills we create. My husband and I have been below the poverty line our entire lives according to the federal guidelines but compared to where my husband came from, me growing up and the way our kids are being raised could be considered rich. There’s way more to living within your means and finding the little joys in life than a constant struggle towards financial well being. I wouldn’t trade being with my kids every step of the way for any amount of money. Peace comes from within and no amount if external comforts will create peace or joy in a person’s heart. People that are offended by another person’s family dynamics either have far too much free time, suffer from pride, are judgmental, or are unhappy with their own choices and feel the need to “save” others from their own mistakes. Honestly, if it’s working in your family then that’s all that matters.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Well said. I never though a persons earning defined who they were. I came from a lower middle class family and we were VERY ghetto. Also, it was not until my late 20’s that I even knew people my age that went to college. College for my friends was when you went to prison for the first time and made it back. I use to do construction labor for $8 a hour. Now I can actually make a living doing the work I love and I am thankful to God for that. Literally, everyday I thank God before going to work and after work for my job. I know I can lose it one day. I know with one economy crash, no more construction work in my county. Surviving depends on a lot more than just earning potential.

I do admit, sometimes it has been a bit intimidating to try to talk to women that I know have advanced degrees and I probably will never ask out a woman that I know is a doctor because I will probably just think “Why would she want to go out with me when she can date another doctor?”
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Because she loooooves your cabinetry/furniture/tilework/whatever.

Do you know how many women looooove HGTV?
 
bitterhope said:
I guess a lot of us ladies are sexist too. Many many many working women would do anything to be able to be home. Some husbands won’t allow it for whatever reason.

Some people are so worked up about money that they can’t seem to grasp that there is more to life than the bills we create. My husband and I have been below the poverty line our entire lives according to the federal guidelines but compared to where my husband came from, me growing up and the way our kids are being raised could be considered rich. There’s way more to living within your means and finding the little joys in life than a constant struggle towards financial well being. I wouldn’t trade being with my kids every step of the way for any amount of money. Peace comes from within and no amount if external comforts will create peace or joy in a person’s heart. People that are offended by another person’s family dynamics either have far too much free time, suffer from pride, are judgmental, or are unhappy with their own choices and feel the need to “save” others from their own mistakes. Honestly, if it’s working in your family then that’s all that matters.
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I get the impression from a lot of people on this site than one should not even consider getting married unless you already are a home owner, have a college education and all your student loans paid off, already started your future children’s college fund’s and can afford to put them through Catholic school 🤷 Seems lots of people do think money is everything.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I think your priorities are a little skewed. However the self pitying is worrisome as well. That you think a woman who is a doctor would never go out with you shows a few things that you should consider.
  1. You assume everyone who is educated or prestigious is above you and could not find you attractive
  2. That you value these things a lot and you assume others do as well
  3. That the woman you would be interested in would not have qualities you so admire about others or yourself. In terms of the future this is a knock on the woman you will ultimately end up with. She could not be successful in the workforce because that kind of woman might be intimidating to you.
    4 that you undervalue yourself and may have a self esteem issue which can lead to s controlling relationship.
**My daughters will probably end up better educated and earn more than the majority of men they will meet. I would hate it if nice holy men were uninterested in them because they were successful and educated and loved thier jobs. **
I would hope in finding a mate, they find someone who helps them achieve heaven.
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Right.
 
PolarGuy said:
What exactly is incredibly statistically rare? A woman who outearns her husband by more than a few dollars a month? Tell that to women doctors and lawyers who outearn their husbands.
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That’s like 2% of married couples with children. It’s just not common. Setting aside that the jobs you’re talking about are not common period (otherwise median household income for married couples would be even higher than the 90k or so per year it currently is at), it’s also uncommon for women doctors and lawyers to marry men who make way less than they do.

Women just don’t earn the way men do. They want fewer hours, lower paying specialties, and so on and so forth. Them’s the breaks.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Do I know how many women love Home garden televison? :confused:
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Xantippe is pointing out that a man who is handy at home maintenance and improvements would likely be VERY attractive to many women in North America. Ladies love men with tool belts. So don’t sell yourself short. And as you have been pointing out, providing doesn’t only mean a paycheck. It can also mean useful skills that can benefit the family and the home.
 
jmjZelie said:
Xantippe is pointing out that a man who is handy at home maintenance and improvements would likely be VERY attractive to many women in North America. Ladies love men with tool belts. So don’t sell yourself short. And as you have been pointing out, providing doesn’t only mean a paycheck. It can also mean useful skills that can benefit the family and the home.
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Oh. Well, yeah, that I am and I have 2 tool belts and 3 tool boxes 😛
It is a lot cheaper to know how to do your own repairs than to hire someone every time.
 
ThePCwife, you’re pulling things out of your ear.

Actually, the bureau of labor (bls.gov) reports that wives outearn their husbands in 29+% of marriages where both spouses had income. The bureau of labor also reports that that percentage has been generally rising since 1987.

I’m sure anecdotally some marriages fit the mold you describe, but anecdotes shouldn’t be passed off as “what always happens.”
 
jmjZelie said:
If you qualify as sexist for wanting your wife to be able to stay home with your children, and for you to be able to provide for your family on your income, then I am a sexist, too. I believe I have been blessed with the ideal arrangement. My husband goes out to work for a salary, and I get to stay home barefoot, in the kitchen, educating our children, very often pregnant or nursing or both. We could not practice ecological breastfeeding, or be able to parent our children in the way we feel is best for them, if I were to go out to work. So we have always made sacrifices to make it work. We have gone through it all with my husband’s work: job layoff, multiple relocations, unemployment, working two jobs, and him working in a different city from me and the kids. All for the sake of me being able to take care of our children. Some here on CAF have dismissed my contributions to these conversations, because they believe that we are obviously well-off, and therefore can easily make this work. I hesitated to state the real truth of it, that it has always been a challenge, but one worth meeting, because I don’t want to invite more discussion about my priorities. But I saw how you have described your viewpoint, and I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Just look for a woman who shares your values. Good luck!
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This whole discussion is nails on a chalkboard for me because we have a little bit of money to throw at problems and you can’t buy colic cures or good health no matter how nice your husband’s job is. Which is why I talk about money, most people don’t have the privileges and resources the “poor” people who dismiss concerns about finances have. I can’t get a job in or out of the house that’s “child friendly”. Nobody is around to childcare swap with me so I don’t have to spend money on childcare, and my kids are all challenging and demanding on any caregiver including mom and dad anyway.

To be on topic, I married a guy who talked aloud before marriage about being able to support a wife and possible children on one income (his). It was fine by me, I didn’t find it creepy or weird. And when we needed more income, he stepped up to the task. I know other women whose husbands did much the same. When men have to perform, they will. When they don’t have to, when provision is just a nice to have and “women outearn men just as often, since that’s my cousin and her husband!”, they don’t earn as much. It’s right there in the income trends. As women work more and more, men are earning less and less, but women aren’t earning as much as men used to, so the total earning is dropping over time.

Sometimes it would be nice if people would consider the systemic and broader aspect of things like “should a man be a sole or primary provider in marriage?” Because whether you want to or not, there will be a norm that millions of households converge towards, and trying to reduce everything down to individual choices just means you’re stuck maneuvering around norms you may or may not support or desire to be the social norm.

The current norm among even Catholics is mom and dad work, mom more often has the job that can be scaled to part-time, and people marry on the later side and have 2 kids. Where staying home comes in, the family has the same 2 children because the women doing so can’t handle the lack of “village” and does poorly staying home longer than a couple of years.
 
One comment on OP before I wander off to play with crayons:

OP has made comments about how he’s attracted to teachers, and couldn’t see himself dating a scientist…

…yet how many people like OP, plus 10 years, do we see on these boards who bemoan their inability to meet anyone at all even close to suitable as a spouse, regardless of occupation or anything else?

I think the more you see who’s out there, the more you realize how hard it is to find someone nice.
 
PolarGuy said:
ThePCwife, you’re pulling things out of your ear.

Actually, the bureau of labor (bls.gov) reports that wives outearn their husbands in 29+% of marriages where both spouses had income. The bureau of labor also reports that that percentage has been generally rising since 1987.

I’m sure anecdotally some marriages fit the mold you describe, but anecdotes shouldn’t be passed off as “what always happens.”
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You’re shifting the goalposts. You used the example of extremely high earning women after I said that most wives who outearn their husbands don’t do so by very much. Now you’re saying that I don’t think any wives outearn their husbands, which is not the case.

Where the man outearns the wife, it’s usually by a larger amount and the overall income is also generally higher than the reverse. And rising from a low base isn’t very meaningful. Stay at home dads as a percentage remain extremely low and show no meaningful signs of rising, but they started from a low base, so you can certainly point to specific years and say there was a 200% increase (1% to 3%).
 
I said it before and I’ll say it again: you’re pulling statistics out of your ear.

But I guess that’s preferable (if barely) to me trying to interact with posters who appear mentally ill; depressed; talking about their pot use; etc., because I’ve seen lots of that in the past 48 hours on this board.

I’m off to play with crayons.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
And less than you realize
indeed.com/salary/Carpenter.html
indeed.com/salary/Biochemist.html

Biochemist is actually on the low end of the spectrum though…
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Oh yeah… I just clicked those links. I though I would point out that $36k a year as a carpenter is likely a non union carpenter or a union carpenter apprentice on the very low end of their apprenticeship. Like maybe only a year or less into their apprenticeship

It is the norm for a full on union carpenter journeyman (look it up) to make $45 a hour. That is A LOT more than 36k a year. $45x40 = $1800. $1800x52 weeks a year is $93600 and that is not including union “Vacation pay” which can be somewhere around a extra $4 a hour. That is a bit more than the $81k a year biochemist job advertised on indeed

And any union Carpenters on this site can vouch that I am not making this stuff up. I am a union construction Laborer. Dont let the title “Laborer” fool you though. It is skilled labor.
 
PolarGuy said:
ThePCwife, you’re pulling things out of your ear.

Actually, the bureau of labor (bls.gov) reports that wives outearn their husbands in 29+% of marriages where both spouses had income. The bureau of labor also reports that that percentage has been generally rising since 1987.

I’m sure anecdotally some marriages fit the mold you describe, but anecdotes shouldn’t be passed off as “what always happens.”
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My mom out earned my dad. Most of my sisters (7 that I’m positive of, 2 more I’m pretty sure about) out earn their husbands. Stay at home dads’ wives out earn them. My neighbor that’s a pharmacist most likely out earns her lower enlisted soldier husband. I seriously doubt it’s as rare as it’s being made out here to be. And many more women would out earn their husbands if they didn’t take the opportunity to stay home or go down to part time work after marriage/kids. Not everyone sees larger income as an incentive to stay in the work place.
 
PolarGuy said:
One comment on OP before I wander off to play with crayons:

OP has made comments about how he’s attracted to teachers, and couldn’t see himself dating a scientist…

…yet how many people like OP, plus 10 years, do we see on these boards who bemoan their inability to meet anyone at all even close to suitable as a spouse, regardless of occupation or anything else?

I think the more you see who’s out there, the more you realize how hard it is to find someone nice.
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I think you are talking about me but I am not the OP.

Oh believe me, if a scientist woman likes me I am going to ask her out. I will be on it like 5 minuets to 11 lol. I cant recall ever meeting a scientist woman or doctor woman though. And yes, I have dated a higher number of women who work in education than other professions. It is not that I am seeking them out, it is just that they are the ones who did not say “No” when I asked them out…

If a doctor woman wants to go out with me and she is a good practicing Catholic woman, yes I would go out with her.
 
PolarGuy said:
One comment on OP before I wander off to play with crayons:

OP has made comments about how he’s attracted to teachers, and couldn’t see himself dating a scientist…

…yet how many people like OP, plus 10 years, do we see on these boards who bemoan their inability to meet anyone at all even close to suitable as a spouse, regardless of occupation or anything else?

I think the more you see who’s out there, the more you realize how hard it is to find someone nice.
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LaughingBoy isn’t our OP, but he’s similar.

The good thing about LaughingBoy’s love of teachers is that there are SO many of them and he’s quite likely to be able to find one that loves children.

Somewhat related-a Catholic blogger with a fancy degree doctored her online dating profile on a Catholic site to make herself a preschool school teacher (or something similar). Suddenly she was inundated with overtures from the very same guys that had previously ignored her…
 
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