Is it acceptable to be a provider husband?

[Burt_Macklin]

Beware Texas property taxes though–I’ve heard they often catch transplants by surprise.

(We pay around 2% of property value a year.)

Yea I know all about property tax, I bought a home at 180k that is now supposedly valued at 320k. I didn’t want to pay that much in property tax but I guess it can’t be helped.

 

[Xantippe]

Yea I know all about property tax, I bought a home at 180k that is now supposedly valued at 320k. I didn’t want to pay that much in property tax but I guess it can’t be helped.

Here, have a digital hankie.

I feel your pain! Our escrow just went up $140 a month.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Buying a house here is not a good idea. Everyone I know is moving to neighboring counties even just to rent. I will probably do the same if I ever start a family. Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely expensive here and tough for a lot of familys. But I know people with 3 or more kids in one or two bedroom apartments. If someone thinks only a big house and a SUV is acceptable if you have more than one child then yeah they probably will not be able to live here.

It’s a big lifestyle difference: rent, share a smaller car, don’t eat out, and take one vacation a year. There was an offer floating around recently for some of the engineers to move to San Diego and not a single one of them took it. They’d all gotten spoiled on the Texas lifestyle.

 

[jmjZelie]

Buying a house here is not a good idea. Everyone I know is moving to neighboring counties even just to rent. I will probably do the same if I ever start a family. Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely expensive here and tough for a lot of familys. But I know people with 3 or more kids in one or two bedroom apartments. If someone thinks only a big house and a SUV is acceptable if you have more than one child then yeah they probably will not be able to live here.

It is the “Sun Tax”. SoCal is truly beautiful and has great people and the best and healthiest food (the produce!) of anywhere I have ever lived.

My husband was following his dream bringing us out here. We were living very well in poorer South Carolina, materially speaking. But we were not as healthy or happy.

Now my husband has his dream job, we are able to keep our small home opened up for cross breezes and sunshine 24/7 and most all days of the year, except for the hottest month of summer and the “coldest” month of winter. We talk walks every single day. We are healthier and happier.

We took a serious hit to our “standard of living”. Our new home is less than half the size of our old house. We lost serious money getting out of our old house. Between cost of housing and cost of feeding our large crew, we cannot afford so many of the extras or luxuries we were accustomed to. We had to get rid of 3/4 of our belongings in order to make the lifestyle work.

And we would do it all over again, knowing what we know about what it costs us. It totally makes sense to us why people choose to move or stay here, and what sacrifices they are willing to make in terms of lifestyle (renting instead of owning, for example) in order to make it work.

Now, personally speaking, on the topic of this thread and my own opinion:

I am not speaking from a place of privilege on any of these issues here, whether about single-income families, or lifestyle, or location. We have been through it all, from needing unemployment benefits and financial assistance during pregnancy to many relocations and financial losses and paying off debt and ridiculously expensive COBRA benefits. You name it, we have gone through it.

I have lived in a mobile home, a custom-built home, an older home in an established neighborhood, too many apartments and townhouses to count, and we have considered living in an RV or a yurt. I don’t care where I live or what kind of housing or what I drive. I will make our house a home wherever we are and make whatever adjustments necessary to be able to afford to keep me at home, taking care of and teaching my kids.

I know a lot of people disagree with me about my priorities and that is okay. But people always tend to live out their core priorities, whether consciously or not. So if people have a negative reaction to my opinions and lifestyle, it seems to me that they simply have different priorities. Because I am not a liar. Being a single-income family is possible, even in some of the most expensive cities in the world, if your lifestyle is incredibly simple and modest.

 

[jmjZelie]

What kind of public school does that provide?

The tough thing about high cost-of-living areas for families is usually the schools–the good ones are often very, very good and the bad ones are very, very bad.

The schools in Orange County are extremely good. We choose not to use them for various personal reasons, but many of the school districts here are the very reason why people work so hard to make it possible to live in the area.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

People do it though, you seem to have a hard time believing that. Not only folks with 6 figure incomes have children and are able to make it work even with only the father working. Just because you can’t imagine supporting a family here making 50k to 90k a year here, you think it is not done?

Of course it is done. We did it. If you took that from my post then either I didn’t communicate correctly or your comprehension skills need tuned. What I am telling you and you would be wise to listen is that it is hard. That finding a mate to sign on for hat is hard. That telling a woman that the struggle will be hard is hard. This thread is about a sole provider. Most of us on here have that situation. You don’t have a family yet. Listen to us who tell you that your aim is noble but it is also rare and hard.
Usually it is xantippe who does this but really, you need to be on the Dave Ramsey bandwagon like yesterday.
About half of this country lives near the poverty level. So of course it can be done. When we started having kids we had tons of debt and low paying jobs. We did it. We sacrifice even today to live in a world of 2 income no kids families. My wife’s car is 13 years old while the people she manages roll up in nice new beamers.
Since we homeschool most families we associate with are 1 income families that are large who struggle, and I mean struggle! So I know it’s possible, I know because most families who do it do so at or around the poverty level. And this is why they do it, because they are “providing” thier children with more than material goods. They are giving them a parent, a richness of having a family that grows in tact and together. They realize that being the “provider” means more than just the paycheck. If a husband sees himself as the earner, the “provider” the "paycheck,and his wife as not a provider then he will be a poor man, a poor father, and a poor husband. Financially my “providing” consists of budgeting, deal finding and shopping thriftily. That matters more than you can imagine. But I am also a provider husband. I provide comfort to my kids, education to my kids, safety for my kids, love for my wife, food on the table, tender caresses at night, an ear to listen to, a logical person to bounce business ideas off of, a father who is there at all times and a spiritual head of household to guide all of my family to heaven. “Provider” is an inadequate word to describe what a husband should be.
It can be done, for you it will not be easy. And it has no bearing on the wage you earn there are plenty of provider husbands in Africa, or other times of the world who have provided even for families that have children starve to death. They are no less heroic than those who earn a million dollars.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

It is the “Sun Tax”. SoCal is truly beautiful and has great people and the best and healthiest food (the produce!) of anywhere I have ever lived.

Yea, SoCal is a no for me because I don’t really like people. I’m willing to trade perfect weather if it means I can get peace and isolation. It’s all about priorities.

 

[Xantippe]

Of course it is done. We did it. If you took that from my post then either I didn’t communicate correctly or your comprehension skills need tuned. What I am telling you and you would be wise to listen is that it is hard. That finding a mate to sign on for hat is hard. That telling a woman that the struggle will be hard is hard. This thread is about a sole provider. Most of us on here have that situation. You don’t have a family yet. Listen to us who tell you that your aim is noble but it is also rare and hard.
Usually it is xantippe who does this but really, you need to be on the Dave Ramsey bandwagon like yesterday.
About half of this country lives near the poverty level. So of course it can be done. When we started having kids we had tons of debt and low paying jobs. We did it. We sacrifice even today to live in a world of 2 income no kids families. My wife’s car is 13 years old while the people she manages roll up in nice new beamers.
Since we homeschool most families we associate with are 1 income families that are large who struggle, and I mean struggle! So I know it’s possible, I know because most families who do it do so at or around the poverty level. And this is why they do it, because they are “providing” thier children with more than material goods. They are giving them a parent, a richness of having a family that grows in tact and together. They realize that being the “provider” means more than just the paycheck. If a husband sees himself as the earner, the “provider” the "paycheck,and his wife as not a provider then he will be a poor man, a poor father, and a poor husband. Financially my “providing” consists of budgeting, deal finding and shopping thriftily. That matters more than you can imagine. But I am also a provider husband. I provide comfort to my kids, education to my kids, safety for my kids, love for my wife, food on the table, tender caresses at night, an ear to listen to, a logical person to bounce business ideas off of, a father who is there at all times and a spiritual head of household to guide all of my family to heaven. “Provider” is an inadequate word to describe what a husband should be.
It can be done, for you it will not be easy. And it has no bearing on the wage you earn there are plenty of provider husbands in Africa, or other times of the world who have provided even for families that have children starve to death. They are no less heroic than those who earn a million dollars.

Wow, HD, you’re surprising me!

Bottom line–when you have children and a single income, be prepared to be suddenly much poorer than you are today. Expect 90% less free time and 90% less disposable income. Be prepared for 80% of your income to go to pretty basic kid stuff.

Your future wife needs to understand that just as clearly as you do. The world is full of temptations for young brides and young mothers–weddings, furniture, decor, fancy preschools, fancy private schools, adorable $30 organic cotton onesies, etc. To deal with the constant temptation, you practically need to be like Ulysses sailing past the sirens. But it has to be done, because even just the basics will take pretty much everything you make. It sounds like LaughingBoy is good with money, but make sure your future wife gets it, too. Definitely do Financial Peace University with whoever the lucky lady is before getting married, ideally before getting engaged.

As I have often mentioned on CAF, I am a reformed spender. When I was a young bride, I handed over all the finances to my husband and just stopped thinking about money at all (except spending it). It took an embarrassing long time to get over that. When budgeting and saving are not in your blood, it’s really, really hard to understand why they are important.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Of course it is done. We did it. If you took that from my post then either I didn’t communicate correctly or your comprehension skills need tuned. What I am telling you and you would be wise to listen is that it is hard. That finding a mate to sign on for hat is hard. That telling a woman that the struggle will be hard is hard. This thread is about a sole provider. Most of us on here have that situation. You don’t have a family yet. Listen to us who tell you that your aim is noble but it is also rare and hard.
Usually it is xantippe who does this but really, you need to be on the Dave Ramsey bandwagon like yesterday.
About half of this country lives near the poverty level. So of course it can be done. When we started having kids we had tons of debt and low paying jobs. We did it. We sacrifice even today to live in a world of 2 income no kids families. My wife’s car is 13 years old while the people she manages roll up in nice new beamers.
Since we homeschool most families we associate with are 1 income families that are large who struggle, and I mean struggle! So I know it’s possible, I know because most families who do it do so at or around the poverty level. And this is why they do it, because they are “providing” thier children with more than material goods. They are giving them a parent, a richness of having a family that grows in tact and together. They realize that being the “provider” means more than just the paycheck. If a husband sees himself as the earner, the “provider” the "paycheck,and his wife as not a provider then he will be a poor man, a poor father, and a poor husband. Financially my “providing” consists of budgeting, deal finding and shopping thriftily. That matters more than you can imagine. But I am also a provider husband. I provide comfort to my kids, education to my kids, safety for my kids, love for my wife, food on the table, tender caresses at night, an ear to listen to, a logical person to bounce business ideas off of, a father who is there at all times and a spiritual head of household to guide all of my family to heaven. “Provider” is an inadequate word to describe what a husband should be.
It can be done, for you it will not be easy. And it has no bearing on the wage you earn there are plenty of provider husbands in Africa, or other times of the world who have provided even for families that have children starve to death. They are no less heroic than those who earn a million dollars.

No kidding it is hard. I do not need anyone to tell me that. I do not have a family but I know people that live here that have families. I also work in construction with carpenters and I have said it is possible to support a family on their income here and even sometimes as a one income family. I work in the industry, you do not. So listen to me there like you want me to listen to you.

I already said you provide something for your household. We just have to agree to disagree with the whole “Husband and provider” thing. It motivates me to tell myself “I will be a good provider husband one day” it takes nothing away from you or stay at home people

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

What kind of public school does that provide?

The tough thing about high cost-of-living areas for families is usually the schools–the good ones are often very, very good and the bad ones are very, very bad.

Well, I do not know much about pubic schools here as I have never looked into them because I do not have a family. My school was the second lowest in the county for test scores my freshman year. But I hear there are good schools here too.

 

[Sarcelle]

No kidding it is hard. I do not need anyone to tell me that. I do not have a family but I know people that live here that have families. I also work in construction with carpenters and I have said it is possible to support a family on their income here and even sometimes as a one income family. I work in the industry, you do not. So listen to me there like you want me to listen to you.

I already said you provide something for your household. We just have to agree to disagree with the whole “Husband and provider” thing. It motivates me to tell myself “I will be a good provider husband one day” it takes nothing away from you or stay at home people

Your view is to be commended actually. You are approaching the possibility of marriage with an eye on what you can do to contribute to the relationship instead of what you can get out of it. Both men and women discerning marriage should do it. Approach a marriage relationship on what you need to do to make the relationship stronger not on what you can take out of it.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, I do not know much about pubic schools here as I have never looked into them because I do not have a family. My school was the second lowest in the county for test scores my freshman year. But I hear there are good schools here too.

Keep your ears open.

School stuff is extremely complex, but you’ll hear more and more once you have a family and parent friends who talk about school stuff.

It’s also relatively simpler if you’re going to be renting–any mistakes you make are more fixable.

Good luck!

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Keep your ears open.

School stuff is extremely complex, but you’ll hear more and more once you have a family and parent friends who talk about school stuff.

It’s also relatively simpler if you’re going to be renting–any mistakes you make are more fixable.

Good luck!

I actually work in schools a lot. A neighboring city got a grant to upgrade every school in their district, elementary to high school. They use my company a lot. I have lived here my whole life so I do know which neighborhoods are bad and which schools are considered better in my hometown. I can always find out the same if I move

I actually might inherit a house here but I won’t buy a house here. Nobody wants my grandmother’s house when she goes with God except maybe my uncle who can’t even figure out how to flip a breaker switch when the lights go off and has never known adult responsibility in his life even though he is 53. Only time will tell what happens there. I have put a lot of personal money into that house just because my grandmother lives on a fixed income and needs help financially to live. Nobody thinks he is mentally capable of maintaining a house. Years of drug abuse had not been merciful on him and it is obvious.

 

[bitterhope]

About schools–for the most part they are as good or as bad as you make them. Also, even the very best school won’t be a good fit for every child or every family. Even the worst schools can be acceptable to many children and families. Until each and every child is actually attending a school you won’t really know if that school is a good school for your child. Academics is a very small part of a school and you can easily supplement what’s being taught. Other issues may be alright for most kids but be horrible for others, while things that seem unbearable for many kids won’t affect others. I say this as a mom that has had kids in school districts all over the place. Some considered “ideal” while others considered “bad” and now I’m homeschooling. All of my kids have had good and bad experiences at each school and the “worst” school actually was the one that they fit in best and had more good than bad memories of.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I actually work in schools a lot. A neighboring city got a grant to upgrade every school in their district, elementary to high school. They use my company a lot. I have lived here my whole life so I do know which neighborhoods are bad and which schools are considered better in my hometown. I can always find out the same if I move

I actually might inherit a house here but I won’t buy a house here. Nobody wants my grandmother’s house when she goes with God except maybe my uncle who can’t even figure out how to flip a breaker switch when the lights go off and has never known adult responsibility in his life even though he is 53. Only time will tell what happens there. I have put a lot of personal money into that house just because my grandmother lives on a fixed income and needs help financially to live. Nobody thinks he is mentally capable of maintaining a house. Years of drug abuse had not been merciful on him and it is obvious.

One thing I want to say laughingboy,
I reviewed some of your posts. You are a phenomenal man, some woman will be blessed to have you as a husband some day.

 

[Xantippe]

About schools–for the most part they are as good or as bad as you make them. Also, even the very best school won’t be a good fit for every child or every family. Even the worst schools can be acceptable to many children and families. Until each and every child is actually attending a school you won’t really know if that school is a good school for your child. Academics is a very small part of a school and you can easily supplement what’s being taught. Other issues may be alright for most kids but be horrible for others, while things that seem unbearable for many kids won’t affect others. I say this as a mom that has had kids in school districts all over the place. Some considered “ideal” while others considered “bad” and now I’m homeschooling. All of my kids have had good and bad experiences at each school and the “worst” school actually was the one that they fit in best and had more good than bad memories of.

Right.

There are some nuances with regard to “good” schools–namely that they want to own your soul (or at least all your free time). It can be pretty rough with two children in school keeping up with their stuff–I have no idea how families with more children than that in school manage.

 

[Xantippe]

One thing I want to say laughingboy,
I reviewed some of your posts. You are a phenomenal man, some woman will be blessed to have you as a husband some day.

Yes!

Southern California CAF single ladies, check him out!

 

[edwest2]

Hi everyone, I was wondering, is it Catholically permitted for a man to provide for his wife?

There are a couple of reasons why I’m asking. First, not having been married before, I didn’t know if maybe there is a rule against it. Also, I’d always been taught that the husband should provide for his wife, and if/when the day comes that I am married to someone, I’d expect to (and be happy to) take care of my wife financially.

Also, is it common for women in their 20’s to want their husband to fully provide for them? I ask because it’s not something that typically comes up in normal conversation, so, I was wondering what Catholic women in their 20’s who want to be married one day feel about having their husband as the full provider?

Hi,

It’s totally acceptable. It depends entirely on both of you. If you make enough money to live in dignity then that’s fine. If the bride to be wants to be a stay at home mom, that’s fine too. In my experience, the women I’ve met from upper income backgrounds tend to want things to stay as they were when they were growing up. I would have had to be bringing home $200K a year to marry my last girlfriend, because of her expectations which we talked about before going any further. I am good friends with a woman who came from a working class background and who married a working class guy. In her case, a modest home, some nice things and that was that.

In other cases, the young lady might prefer to work and have you work as well. You both have to talk about this when you both realize marriage is a real possibility. In some cases, like this, multiple answers are possible. I would want to provide for my wife. But it all depends on what each of you expects from marriage. I write this to all reading.

Best,
Ed

 

[bitterhope]

Right.

There are some nuances with regard to “good” schools–namely that they want to own your soul (or at least all your free time). It can be pretty rough with two children in school keeping up with their stuff–I have no idea how families with more children than that in school manage.

Yes it gets hard. A big part of why we switched to homeschooling all of them instead of just the ones with IEPs. It was way too hard staying in top of two different school schedules. It flows better for our family than regular school ever did but it’s not an option for everyone. I feel like if we ever got settled in one spot we might try regular school again but with IEPs even great schools aren’t very good, and moving disrupts things way too much to make it worthwhile to be continuously fighting the battles. Each state has different qualifications and each district within that state has different criteria and the kids spend tons of time being evaluated without actually learning anything. Then my oldest daughter is gifted and was bored most of the time so it was like trying to fight for her at times too. Homeschooling has really been something that has made things finally functional for our family. With everything there us a lot of good and a lot of bad. As long as it’s working for a family it’s the right choice though.

For those that don’t know IEP means individual education plan. It can be anything from speech/language, occupational therapy, accommodations in a regular classroom, special education class room, or whatever is needed to help kids learn. Unfortunately they really aren’t transferable but it would help a lot of families out if they were.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Hey, I didn’t realize you lived close to me until this post. I am in SoCal, too. LA and Orange County are really booming with construction jobs, it is true. Since I moved out here last year, I have been astonished at the beautiful and swift work the construction crews have been able to pull off. I have never seen anything like it before anywhere else I have lived.

Hey, neighbor! Let’s not forget Riverside county. Lots of work there too. The 91 freeway construction we see is all union workers. But there is a ton of non union work too. Sometimes those non union contractors use our apprentices though. My good friend is a union pipe fitter apprentice and his company got one of the contracts to work on the new football stadium apparently. And I have known lots of guys who did work in Disneyland.