Is It Alright Not To Help?

  • Thread starter Thread starter MagentaC
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

MagentaC

Guest
I have a question about giving, and helping others. I’m wondering if there is a time when it’s okay not to help.

Here’s the back story. I’ll try to make it brief.

My sister and I have become estranged. She said terrible things to family members about other family members, and would say bad things about those she talked to to the other members of the family. (Back and forth) I’ve forgiven her, just figuring that’s who she is. I still didn’t want to be around it, or around her new husband. (I’m twelve years younger than her, btw.)

About a year and a half ago, I get an urgent note from her. (This after not speaking for three or four years) She’s moved to another state, and her son who stayed here, couldn’t go to college in the summer and was homeless. She asked if I would take him in. I agreed, as I didn’t want him to be on the streets at all, especially with some health issues he has. He stayed with us about five months… He’s not a bad kid, just very, very lazy. He pretty much slept and watched TV the whole time. All in all, it wasn’t too bad. When it came time for him to go back, I called my sis, to ask if she could help buy her son a bus ticket to school. She said no. It was tough for us to get the money, but we got him back there, with a warning that he should work, and save his money. He had everything paid for him through the school for a full year.

He didn’t get a job or save money. Though he did plenty of partying. Needless to say at the end of the school year, here came the next note for him to stay with us. I Knew my sister wouldn’t help, not even five dollars worth, and I knew my husband really didn’t want to go through that again. I told him I couldn’t it… My sister got our brother to get him out to where they both live, and took him in for a month or more. Now he’s out with his mother, and has asked me again for the money to get him back out to this state to go back to school. His mom won’t help him.

My problem is, is it alright not to help?? Am I doing wrong by not? My nephew is in a safe place with his mom, and is in a state that has colleges. I don’t like to help, because even though my sister, and her husband haven’t worked for nearly ten years, and are living with his Parents… I KNOW they still buy their cigarettes, and alcohol daily. It’s hard for me to believe nobody can come up with a sixty dollar ticket.

I kind of feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but I don’t know if I should just take it. I also am an homeschooling teacher to my high school son, and really can’t afford the distraction of his cousin being here for months on end. I’m very torn, and would appreciated any insight.

Thank you!
 
Which is the better kindness. Teaching a child to stand on their own or teaching them to be dependent?

I think they are taking advantage. I also think that you are in the best position to make a rational decision. Pray than do what you believe to be the best for everyone. I believe you will make the right choice.
 
I have to agree: you are being taken advantage of in all of this. Assuming the nephew is old enough for college, why isn’t he working and trying to make his own way in life? I know this isn’t what all people do, but if he’s reached the age of majority, he really does need to sort himself out to some extent. Delaying this doesn’t help. If he is well enough to party and attend college, he is well enough to find work of some kind–that’s my thought.

Am I correct in understanding that neither your brother-in-law nor your sister work, but they still feed cigarette/alcohol addictions? That’s not good.

Sometimes saying no is the most merciful thing you can do for a person. In this case, saying no sounds like it will benefit both your household and hers.

I wish you the best as I’m sure this isn’t an easy situation.
 
If you are ever brave enough to put your foot in this pool again, tell the young man that adults needing a place to stay with you now have three options:
a) go to school for at least 15 credit hours a term, with better than a C average, for a limit of four years, with it understood that the student is paying his own way and will be working during the summer break towards that end
b) work at least 40 hours a week, putting an amount aside comparable to his room and board towards his “moving out stake”
c) volunteer at least 40 hours a week at the charity of your approval and at a level sufficient to be kept on by that organization

In addition, he will be expected to do work around your house comparable to what the other adults at your house do on a regular basis, because at your house “if anyone is unwilling to work, neither should that one eat”. (2 Thes.3:10) If he needs you to provide the funds to transport him to your house, that will be a loan, and he is going to have to pay you back.

If you let him stay with you again under significantly more lenient terms, you are enabling him in a habit of life in which he has had far too much instruction already. If he doesn’t change his ways, the question is not whether he will wind up on the street, but only when.

Oh, and if your sister calls, tell her that adults who come to live with you have to make their own arrangments directly with you.

Personally, I’d tell him that he wore out his welcome during his last stay by not making any move to repay the kindness shown to him in the ways that were open to him, such as helping with the household work or trying to get a job. Had he done that, he would be as welcome as one of your own, but as it is: Try better at the next place, son.
 
EasterJoy said:
Personally, I’d tell him that he wore out his welcome during his last stay by not making any move to repay the kindness shown to him in the ways that were open to him, such as helping with the household work or trying to get a job. Had he done that, he would be as welcome as one of your own, but as it is: Try better at the next place, son.
Click to expand...
Yep. That.

~Liza
 
EasterJoy said:
If you are ever brave enough to put your foot in this pool again, tell the young man that adults needing a place to stay with you now have three options:
a) go to school for at least 15 credit hours a term, with better than a C average, for a limit of four years, with it understood that the student is paying his own way and will be working during the summer break towards that end
b) work at least 40 hours a week, putting an amount aside comparable to his room and board towards his “moving out stake”
c) volunteer at least 40 hours a week at the charity of your approval and at a level sufficient to be kept on by that organization
Click to expand...
All of these options seem good and fair, to me. If you could convince him to take you up on one of these, you could be saving him from a real life of misery and bitter torment.

I wish you the best in this endeavor.
 
Yes, it’s ok not to help. You did your part. It’s time for the little birds to leave the nest and stand on their own two feet. It’s called “Tough Love”. 😃
 
You help him more by forcing him to grow up and stand on his own two feet. You actually hobble him by continuing to support lack of initiative. I’m sorry about his mom and step-dad, but eventually, we all do have to assume responsibility for ourselves and pay our own bills.

🤷

p.s. I don’t understand all this back-and-forth stuff with college - why isn’t he staying in one place while he is going to school, and taking summer classes while working? Why is he going from pillar to post instead of staying put and supporting himself? I couldn’t even follow where he’d been!
 
I would say that there is no clear answer on this…
The biggest thing is that the problem you are having really doesn’t concern your sister but your nephew. So you need to set aside any feelings you have about her. While it is good for us to know the background, it’s really irrelevant to what you might decide to do at this point.

The next question then is - what about your nephew? What is best for him?
His mom is not going to live up to her responsibilities…that is clear…
Are you able to shoulder them and do so in a way that is of benefit to your nephew?

I have to say that I think it is not alright not to help.
You need to help…but the question really is, what is the best way to help…Others have alluded to the various things you might do from taking him in with specific ground rules to simply cutting him off so that he learns to fend for himself…
Frankly - I’ve not seen the latter work very well and the former is a tough and long road without a surety of success either…

Guess I’m not being much help here…🤷

There just is not a clear cut answer…

Peace
James
 
I have a couple of problems with your story.

First, “He had everything paid for him through the school for a full year” conceals the identity of who did the paying. But the whole story is about who is or is not paying, so your remark stands out.

Second, “My nephew … is in a state that has colleges” doesn’t make sense because every state has colleges. Is there something you’re not saying?

Anyway, yes, you are being taken advantage of. Kids his age aren’t lazy because they were somehow born that way; he grew up with your sister as his mother, and this is just the natural consequence of how he was raised. Dealing with him, therefore, should be 100% on your sister.

You do not run a youth hostel, and if you did, at least you would charge room and board.

If he can’t get a job, then you are not going to take him in; but if he has a job, he can get himself an apartment either alone or with friends.

And if he has a job, then why can’t his parents get ones?

All of this adds up to one thing. That family is all about taking advantage of the rest of you. And if you make it clear that you are not going to fall for their beggary, they will stop mooching off of you.
 
Rainaldo said:
If he can’t get a job, then you are not going to take him in; but if he has a job, he can get himself an apartment either alone or with friends.
Click to expand...
That is not quite true, at least not in the short term. There are many areas where it is extremely difficult for someone with no education beyond high school to support themselves or afford housing, even if they could find reasonable roommates, which is hardly a given, either.

If I had a nephew with non-working parents who wanted to come live with us so he could go to school or work to save enough money and advance enough to live somewhere decent, I would not feel used if he asked to live with me instead of the other places he’d be likely to have available in our area…not if he was willing to pitch in and be a contributing member of the household, to the extent that he was able to do it. If he expected something for nothing, that would be another matter, but if all he was asking for was a safe place from which to get his life started, I wouldn’t turn him away.

This nephew, however, blew that chance off with an aunt and then with an uncle. Those relatives are hardly bound to keep giving him chances, not when he has taught them what they can expect from him. On that much, you and I agree completely.
 
Rainaldo said:
I have a couple of problems with your story.

First, “He had everything paid for him through the school for a full year” conceals the identity of who did the paying. But the whole story is about who is or is not paying, so your remark stands out.

Second, “My nephew … is in a state that has colleges” doesn’t make sense because every state has colleges. Is there something you’re not saying?
Click to expand...
Thank you for answering! With the first question, he had his college paid by financial aid the first year. They gave him extra being technically homeless. Not sure why he doesn’t have the means this year.

The State with colleges thing, is simply that he doesn’t want to go to school in California. He wants to go here in New Mexico.

I also agree with all you’ve said. ^^
 
JRKH said:
I would say that there is no clear answer on this…
The biggest thing is that the problem you are having really doesn’t concern your sister but your nephew. So you need to set aside any feelings you have about her. While it is good for us to know the background, it’s really irrelevant to what you might decide to do at this point.

The next question then is - what about your nephew? What is best for him?
His mom is not going to live up to her responsibilities…that is clear…
Are you able to shoulder them and do so in a way that is of benefit to your nephew?

I have to say that I think it is not alright not to help.
You need to help…but the question really is, what is the best way to help…Others have alluded to the various things you might do from taking him in with specific ground rules to simply cutting him off so that he learns to fend for himself…
Frankly - I’ve not seen the latter work very well and the former is a tough and long road without a surety of success either…

Guess I’m not being much help here…🤷

There just is not a clear cut answer…

Peace
James
Click to expand...
Thank you.

I was kind of thinking the same. I know he can go to college where he’s at right now, and have a place to stay. it’s just his want to be in this state. He’s going on 21 years old, and I can’t remember how many years it’s been since he’s had a job. I want to help, but not enable him to keep on doing this.

It’s a pretty vicious circle.
 
I thank you all for your advice! 😃 I was unsure about a lot in this situation, but you’ve all helped a great deal!
 
knotanes said:
I have to agree: you are being taken advantage of in all of this. Assuming the nephew is old enough for college, why isn’t he working and trying to make his own way in life? I know this isn’t what all people do, but if he’s reached the age of majority, he really does need to sort himself out to some extent. Delaying this doesn’t help. If he is well enough to party and attend college, he is well enough to find work of some kind–that’s my thought.

Am I correct in understanding that neither your brother-in-law nor your sister work, but they still feed cigarette/alcohol addictions? That’s not good.

Sometimes saying no is the most merciful thing you can do for a person. In this case, saying no sounds like it will benefit both your household and hers.

I wish you the best as I’m sure this isn’t an easy situation.
Click to expand...
Thanks for answering!
He’s of age, he’s actually going on 21. I don’t know why he didn’t work, when he knew he was going to have to. He had the year living scott free, and didn’t take the chance.

Your correct, my sister, and BIL don’t work, but still find a way to get the addiction filled… I can’t figure out how. :confused:
 
MagentaC said:
I have a question about giving, and helping others. I’m wondering if there is a time when it’s okay not to help.

Here’s the back story. I’ll try to make it brief.

My sister and I have become estranged. She said terrible things to family members about other family members, and would say bad things about those she talked to to the other members of the family. (Back and forth) I’ve forgiven her, just figuring that’s who she is. I still didn’t want to be around it, or around her new husband. (I’m twelve years younger than her, btw.)

About a year and a half ago, I get an urgent note from her. (This after not speaking for three or four years) She’s moved to another state, and her son who stayed here, couldn’t go to college in the summer and was homeless. She asked if I would take him in. I agreed, as I didn’t want him to be on the streets at all, especially with some health issues he has. He stayed with us about five months… He’s not a bad kid, just very, very lazy. He pretty much slept and watched TV the whole time. All in all, it wasn’t too bad. When it came time for him to go back, I called my sis, to ask if she could help buy her son a bus ticket to school. She said no. It was tough for us to get the money, but we got him back there, with a warning that he should work, and save his money. He had everything paid for him through the school for a full year.

He didn’t get a job or save money. Though he did plenty of partying. Needless to say at the end of the school year, here came the next note for him to stay with us. I Knew my sister wouldn’t help, not even five dollars worth, and I knew my husband really didn’t want to go through that again. I told him I couldn’t it… My sister got our brother to get him out to where they both live, and took him in for a month or more. Now he’s out with his mother, and has asked me again for the money to get him back out to this state to go back to school. His mom won’t help him.

My problem is, is it alright not to help?? Am I doing wrong by not? My nephew is in a safe place with his mom, and is in a state that has colleges. I don’t like to help, because even though my sister, and her husband haven’t worked for nearly ten years, and are living with his Parents… I KNOW they still buy their cigarettes, and alcohol daily. It’s hard for me to believe nobody can come up with a sixty dollar ticket.

I kind of feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but I don’t know if I should just take it. I also am an homeschooling teacher to my high school son, and really can’t afford the distraction of his cousin being here for months on end. I’m very torn, and would appreciated any insight.

Thank you!
Click to expand...
It does seem clear that the kid would rather be with you and no wonder, his parents seem to be a mess. Ask the kid if that is what he wants but explain ( kindly, that there will be some rules ). I see nothing wrong with it if your family, your sister, and the kid think it is something they want. Send him the money if necessary. Its an act of charity, look at it like that. I have had similar problems.

👍👍
 
MagentaC said:
Thank you for answering! With the first question, he had his college paid by financial aid the first year. They gave him extra being technically homeless. Not sure why he doesn’t have the means this year.

The State with colleges thing, is simply that he doesn’t want to go to school in California. He wants to go here in New Mexico.

I also agree with all you’ve said. ^^
Click to expand...
How could he afford out of state tuition?

:confused:
 
MagentaC said:
Thanks for answering!
He’s of age, he’s actually going on 21. I don’t know why he didn’t work, when he knew he was going to have to. He had the year living scott free, and didn’t take the chance.

Your correct, my sister, and BIL don’t work, but still find a way to get the addiction filled… I can’t figure out how. :confused:
Click to expand...
I still like the idea of getting him to volunteer or take more coursework–if you can get him to agree to it. Maybe jobs are hard to come by. We all know it’s not exactly a nice economic climate. But, experience goes a long way, and volunteering gets you experience and training. You can do a lot of things if you agree to do them for free.

Other posters are correct, he’s got a rough road to travel (having had parents who act this way). But, he doesn’t have to do it alone if he’s willing to take you up on a better lifestyle.

If not, unfortunately, he’s going to have to learn. I’ve seen it before. Parents who set their kids on that track… :mad: grrrrr…

Wish you all the best, but you don’t want to be his enabler. You have to respect yourself and your own family.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top