Is it appropriate for me to be confirmed

[carefullytread]

Here’s the background. I was raised in a Catholic family, having been baptized, went to confess a few times, had my first Communion. I then became an atheist at a young age and decided not to be confirmed, which to my surprise my parents respected. Now, much later, I have found myself seeking God again. But I can’t say that I’ve found him. I took up daily prayer including devotions to the saints, I go Mass every day (I live in a big city and work for myself, so there are many opportunities), and go to confession regularly.

But, I still don’t think that I believe. Whether rightly or wrongly, I do say the creeds at Mass and I try to be open to God, but so far, there still is no intellectual belief. Moreover, as I have refamiliarized myself with the doctrines of the Church, I found that I disagree with many of them. I am also civilly married. For these reasons, I never take the Eucharist.

My wife was also raised Catholic and her family is planning a Church wedding for us back in her country next year. She is a once a year church going sort of Catholic, though she would say she believes in God. Her priest at home says that I must be confirmed in order to be married.

I had no immediate plans to be confirmed. I thought it would make sense to wait and only do so if I have a genuine reconversion. My wife is insisting that I just do it to make her priest happy.

Does it make sense for me to be confirmed? I want to take it seriously and I am not sure that being confirmed in my present state is at all appropriate.

 

[1ke]

Confirmation is not an absolute requirement for marriage, the canon is worded thus:

Can. 1065 §1. Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before they are admitted to marriage if it can be done without grave inconvenience.

Regarding whether you should receive confirmation, this is a discussion to have with your local pastor. It is a spiritual discernment and a dialog, not a “yes” or “no” that can be given from a paragraph or two of explanation over the internet.

Please make an appointment to talk with your pastor about your spiritual journey, where you are now, and the plans to marry in the Church.

 

[Joe_5859]

Confirmation is not an absolute requirement for marriage, the canon is worded thus:

Can. 1065 §1. Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before they are admitted to marriage if it can be done without grave inconvenience.

Regarding whether you should receive confirmation, this is a discussion to have with your local pastor. It is a spiritual discernment and a dialog, not a “yes” or “no” that can be given from a paragraph or two of explanation over the internet.

Please make an appointment to talk with your pastor about your spiritual journey, where you are now, and the plans to marry in the Church.

You don’t have to have a firm “yes” before you even go talk to the pastor. Your priest can talk it over with you and he might even suggest that you sit in on the RCIA sessions to learn more and have a chance to have your questions answered.

Conversion isn’t always an instantaneous thing. Sometimes it takes awhile.

 

[carefullytread]

Hi 1ke,

From reading on this forum, I’ve seen that section of canon law referenced several times, but in my case, my wife’s village priest will not marry someone who is not confirmed. She’s from a place where no one would ever contradict their local priest and he is not willing to make an exception for me.

As far as talking to my pastor, maybe I’ll ask for more specific advice. As I mentioned, I am lucky to live in a large city with many churches within walking distance of my home. I regularly attend services in four of them and occasionally walk a little farther to other churches. I am not registered as a member at any parish. I have spoken with different priests at these locations over the last few months and have come to know some of their opinions. As I result of this I’m fairly confident I could guess a priest would who want to confirm me, another would say go to RCIA next year, and another who would say I’m not a Catholic at all because I don’t accept many of the doctrines so the point is moot.

This is in part why I wanted to solicit general advice from other faithful to weigh in my decision. But maybe I should also ask about advice on choosing a pastor. In my case, I have many options and aren’t sure whose advice to listen to.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

 

[TimothyH]

But, I still don’t think that I believe. Whether rightly or wrongly, I do say the creeds at Mass and I try to be open to God, but so far, there still is no intellectual belief.

We don’t have intellectual faith. We assent to what God has revealed to us because of who he is and who we are. Our assent is given in spite of the fact that we don’t understand or find it difficult to agree.

And Jesus said to him, “If you can! All things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:23-24)

Confirmation isn’t your problem. Trust is. Assent to the faith even though it is difficult. God will be pleased not because you understand but because you trust him.

Catholicism is a radical choice. Embrace it. Confirmation will take care of itself.

-Tim-

 

[carefullytread]

We don’t have intellectual faith. We assent to what God has revealed to us because of who he is and who we are. Our assent is given in spite of the fact that we don’t understand or find it difficult to agree.

And Jesus said to him, “If you can! All things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:23-24)

Confirmation isn’t your problem. Trust is. Assent to the faith even though it is difficult. God will be pleased not because you understand but because you trust him.

Catholicism is a radical choice. Embrace it. Confirmation will take care of itself.

-Tim-

Hi Tim, thanks for the reply. I pray every day the ability to believe and I try, though I fail, to be open to faith. I know that my road is long and I can’t do it alone. I will say, in some sense I do agree with you in that I believe it is rational to not believe in God and that it is not reason that has brought me to seek faith.

And, funny enough, this is a point on which I struggle with the Catechism. In the catechesis on creation, we are told:

286 Human intelligence is surely already capable of finding a response to the question of origins. The existence of God the Creator can be known with certainty through his works, by the light of human reason,122 even if this knowledge is often obscured and disfigured by error. This is why faith comes to confirm and enlighten reason in the correct understanding of this truth: “By faith we understand that the world was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was made out of things which do not appear.”

But, regardless, of my many problems, the one I face now is that my wife would like to regularize our marriage in her home town. I also would like to regularize our marriage now that I am rediscovering the church. Her priest requires that I be confirmed. So what do I do?

I do not feel ready for confirmation and would not have pursued it at this point otherwise. Certainly, I think I could find a priest in my city who would confirm me and be done with it. This is what my wife would have me do. And I guess I am saying I do not understand confirmation well enough to know if this is appropriate or not.

 

[1ke]

If the priest “isn’t willing to budge” there isn’t much you can do in that regard, considering it is a foreign country it would be difficult (but not impossible) to go to the diocesan level and discuss your rights under canon law).

What you could do instead is:

• Convalidate your marriage in the US and then have a large reception in her home country.
• Wait to get married until after you get confirmed, whenever that may be

Since your wife is not a practicing Catholic, it seems to me rather odd she’d insist you get confirmed against your conscience in order to have a Catholic wedding. Sounds like she just wants the big fancy dream wedding, not the sacrament of marriage. Perhaps there is cultural pressure on her from her family, I’m sure that’s a factor too.

But if you were to convalidate your marriage (assuming it actually can be convalidated with neither of you prepared to practice the faith) in the US then that satisfies the “valid marriage” criteria of her family/culture and the big fun party in her country can be with all the trimmings.

If you aren’t willing to convalidate here or wait to get married, I don’t know that we can really help you.

I would have to say, don’t violate your conscience-- wherever that is leading you-- to make someone else happy or avoid conflict. Not the way to start any marriage, Catholic or not.

 

[Usige]

Just curious what you think the purpose of confirmation is? You do realize that it is not an affirmation of faith, correct?

Confirmation completes the process that begins in baptism. It might just provide you the graces that are lacking for you to assent. One of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is the supernatural gift of Faith. In confirmation these gifts are sealed and strengthen with sacramental graces.

I’m actually a little confused about your wife wanting to validate your marriage and for you to be confirmed if she isn’t following the precepts of the Church (i.e. not fulfilling Sunday obligation). Would it be unkind to say she simply sees the sacraments as a social convention without understanding the theological underpinnings of the sacraments?

 

[1ke]

Just curious what you think the purpose of confirmation is? You do realize that it is not an affirmation of faith, correct?

While this is true, the confirmand DOES affirm their faith during the Rite of Confirmation.

 

[Usige]

While this is true, the confirmand DOES affirm their faith during the Rite of Confirmation.

True, but I am more speaking to the mistaken belief that some hold as to the nature of the sacrament. Because many in the US see confirmation as the person confirming their faith as a public statement rather than the graces of baptism being confirmed and strengthen, it always raises the question of a person’s understanding of the sacrament. One could be validly confirmed as an infant and it does not change the nature of the sacrament.

What I was really getting at is that the OP needs to learn about what the sacrament is and it’s purpose, before simply saying they aren’t ready to receive the sacrament. Even without perfect faith, the sacrament still imparts graces. I simply don’t want the OP to reject the sacrament because of a poor understanding of what it is.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

As far as talking to my pastor, maybe I’ll ask for more specific advice. As I mentioned, I am lucky to live in a large city with many churches within walking distance of my home. I regularly attend services in four of them and occasionally walk a little farther to other churches. I am not registered as a member at any parish. I have spoken with different priests at these locations over the last few months and have come to know some of their opinions. As I result of this I’m fairly confident I could guess a priest would who want to confirm me, another would say go to RCIA next year, and another who would say I’m not a Catholic at all because I don’t accept many of the doctrines so the point is moot.

This is in part why I wanted to solicit general advice from other faithful to weigh in my decision. But maybe I should also ask about advice on choosing a pastor. In my case, I have many options and aren’t sure whose advice to listen to.

As I understand things, your pastor is the senior priest of the parish in which you live. It is not necessary for you to seek advice on choosing a pastor. Your bishop has already done that for you.

You may attend Mass in any Catholic Church you wish, but the pastor of your geographic parish is the one I suggest you speak with about this as he has responsibilities to you under canon law by virtue of your residence in the parish he is pastor of. If you don’t know which geographic parish you live in, the diocesan offices can tell you. Increasingly, this information can also be found on diocesan Web sites.

God bless.

 

[TimothyH]

Hi Tim, thanks for the reply. I pray every day the ability to believe and I try, though I fail, to be open to faith. I know that my road is long and I can’t do it alone. I will say, in some sense I do agree with you in that I believe it is rational to not believe in God and that it is not reason that has brought me to seek faith.

And, funny enough, this is a point on which I struggle with the Catechism. In the catechesis on creation, we are told:

But, regardless, of my many problems, the one I face now is that my wife would like to regularize our marriage in her home town. I also would like to regularize our marriage now that I am rediscovering the church. Her priest requires that I be confirmed. So what do I do?

I do not feel ready for confirmation and would not have pursued it at this point otherwise. Certainly, I think I could find a priest in my city who would confirm me and be done with it. This is what my wife would have me do. And I guess I am saying I do not understand confirmation well enough to know if this is appropriate or not.

I understand and I apologize if I was harsh. You are in a predicament and need a practical answer.

These are my thoughts. Others may disagree…

Confirmation is your personal participation in Pentecost. Before Pentecost the disciples were locked in the upper room for fear. After Pentecost they walked into the street and preached Jesus boldly, not even afraid to die. It doesn’t have to be more difficult than that but many will make it so. Are you ready for that? Is that what you want? If so then get confirmed. Then love your wife.

There are many things I struggle with but at a certain point I reached critical mass (no pun intended). The Church has been right enough times that I figured they must be right on just about everything. I accpeted it all. And then I went about my life and whether Adam and Eve were real people or not and whether God spoke the world into existence or not didn’t change the fact that I had to get up and go to work every day so that my kids could eat. It’s not about apolaoetics or understanding doctrine. My task is to be the best father/husband/computer engineer I can, cooperate with grace, grow in virtue.

Be patient. Be docile. God speaks through the legitimate authority of the Church. Listen to what the priest is saying. Step out in faith. Trust. God has led you here.

-Tim-

 

[carefullytread]

Hi 1ke,

To answer your question, yes, it is my wife’s family, not my wife, who is behind the push to marry there. And for them it is very important that it is not just a big party, but that it is the Sacrament. It would cause a lot of problems with my in-laws if we convalidated here.

I also want the marriage to be convalidated as I am trying to right my position with the Church as much as possible. I do pray for eventual communion with the Church. I don’t know if I will ever get there, but this is an obviously necessary step. I would probably want to do it here and as soon as possible, but I don’t want to cause a rift with her family.

 

[carefullytread]

As I understand things, your pastor is the senior priest of the parish in which you live. It is not necessary for you to seek advice on choosing a pastor. Your bishop has already done that for you.

You may attend Mass in any Catholic Church you wish, but the pastor of your geographic parish is the one I suggest you speak with about this as he has responsibilities to you under canon law by virtue of your residence in the parish he is pastor of. If you don’t know which geographic parish you live in, the diocesan offices can tell you. Increasingly, this information can also be found on diocesan Web sites.

God bless.

Is it true that he still has responsibility to me under the canon law? I had read (but only people quoting on this forum), that this was changed under the new law promulgated in 1983.

I did look at my diocese’s website, but their parish finder is just a(n out of date) map that reminds me how lucky I live so close to so many beautiful if sadly under-attended churches. There is no mention about geographic parishes, though as you mention, I could contact them if this required under the law.

 

[1ke]

Yes your parish is based on territory. However in many large cities it is difficult to know where the boundaries are. Most people are not too concerned with the boundaries. You can speak to any pastor, and if you belong to a different parish he can take care of any permissions between himself and the pastor of that parish. Don’t worry too much about the law regarding territorial parish, just make an appointment with a pastor you are comfortable talking to.

 

[babochka]

Hi 1ke,

To answer your question, yes, it is my wife’s family, not my wife, who is behind the push to marry there. And for them it is very important that it is not just a big party, but that it is the Sacrament. It would cause a lot of problems with my in-laws if we convalidated here.

Would they doubt its validity if it were done somewhere else, or do they just want to opportunity to witness the marriage?

I also want the marriage to be convalidated as I am trying to right my position with the Church as much as possible. I do pray for eventual communion with the Church. I don’t know if I will ever get there, but this is an obviously necessary step. I would probably want to do it here and as soon as possible, but I don’t want to cause a rift with her family.

If you have reached the point in your faith that you wish your marriage to be convalidated because you desire the sacrament, I think that you should be confirmed - not just because your wife’s priest won’t do the marriage otherwise, but because you seem to have reached a point in your own faith life where it seems appropriate. The graces received in the sacrament will help you on your continued journey with the Church.

 

[ClaireS]

Before Confirmation and Matrimony I think you would need to go to confession if you have not already done so. Would that be a problem?

 

[carefullytread]

Before Confirmation and Matrimony I think you would need to go to confession if you have not already done so. Would that be a problem?

Hi Claire, no it would not be a problem. I already go regularly. I never take the Eucharist however.

 

[otjm]

Keep in mind that there is a massive difference between believing something, and understanding it.

Genesis says (Gen 2, 7) that God formed man out of clay and “blew into his nostrils the breath of life”.

God has no body, so God breathing makes no sense. But I believe that God created man; the Bible does not attempt to teach science, but faith.

You seem to be honest, and do not seem to have an ax to grind. Like others, I would encourage you to be confirmed; and that is likely to occur by the bishop, not the pastor. Pastors can only confirm on Holy Saturday night, by permission of the bishop. All other confirmations are done by the bishop.

Not sure what schedule your diocese is on; here in Oregon confirmation of adults other than through RCIA occurs some time after Easter, but not an exceedingly long time after.

Normally there are a series of classes prior to Confirmation, done in your parish.

 

[Wesrock]

When my wife told me she wanted to convert to Catholicism, I was in much the same state of faith you are in, though I had already been Confirmed. What you say about struggling with intellectual belief resonates with me. I would suggest speaking to a pastor (or at least deacon or parish office) about sitting in on RCIA classes. Be honest about where you stand if he asks. You don’t necessarily need to receive the sacraments at Easter.

As my wife was converting, I sat in on classes with her. I didn’t’t feel much growth or movement for most of RCIA, but near the end I really did begin to feel the call quite strongly. My full reconversion to the faith wasn’t resolved by the end of RCIA or my wife’s reception at Easter, but I had finally taken the first few steps, and though there were still some points of struggle, I kept walking, and now feel myself firmly seated at home.

Let me be clear, those first few steps I made in RCIA weren’t intellectual, that would come later. I can only describe it as a personal feeling of encounter with God. It was a movement (a release?) of the Spirit, not anything of the Flesh.

I can’t promise anything similar will happen to you. Or that RCIA is the best option for you, personally. Typically classes don’t formally begin until Fall, though my parish offered some meetings and video watching over the summer. It may not fit the schedule you’d need for the wedding your in laws want. But sitting in on classes moved me, and as such it’s the best I can suggest.

Also, I don’t know if you’re disposed to it, right now, but I just recently read Saint Augustine’s Confessions. I can’t help but recommend it to you, and to all believers. The first nine “books” of it are essentially Augustine’s personal conversion story, and his struggles with moving towards Christianity. I would recommend a newer translation, nothing Victorian. The translation by Maria Boulding is very much modern English (as Augustine’s Latin was just common, plainspoking Latin at the time). I would also suggest Frank Sheed’s translation as an alternative. It’s a few decades older but still quite modern, though it does use thee and thou sometimes (not all) when it comes to addressing God directly in prayer (a prayerful confession, more like) as was the way of prayers back then, but does use You for God when he’s talking about his past or philosophical truths. You can’t go wrong with either.