Is it at all possible for a priest to marry us?

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Floridagator1

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I’m having a problem getting married and I’m devastated. Please tell me if this is hopeless. I’ve spoken with two churches, who have both told me it will take at least 1 and 1/2 years for a priest to marry us because of the steps we have to take! I’m 36 and having fertility issues and want to have kids so I can’t wait that long. I need advice.

Background-
I was baptized and raised Catholic. Fiance converted to Catholicism so that a priest could marry us.

Two Main Problems-
1- I was never confirmed.
(It’s so stupid but when I was 14 I didn’t have enough time bc of band practice and other high school groups so I put it off…)

2- We got engaged 5 years ago.
To make a long story short, life got in the way, but here’s what happened–
When we first got engaged we did everything right- we didn’t live together, and he converted to Catholicism which took about a year. (The priest at that time said it was fine I wasn’t confirmed.) Then, when we were about to start wedding planning process, he got a job opportunity across the country. So we put everything on hold to move. From moving, starting over in a new state, buying a house, and new jobs for both of us, we literally didn’t have enough time or money to get married until now.

I feel so stupid because we should have started pre-cana a long time ago… But I didn’t know the process took so long. I thought it took a month. I didn’t feel the need to do it since we didn’t have a wedding plan in sight because of lack of money.

I’ve been told that the pre-cana takes 8 months, even if we do it online. I’ve also been told we cannot live together during the counseling. The churches who told me this, said that every priest will be the same since they all answer to the same diocese.

The churches have only suggested pushing back the wedding until next fall (fall 2021)… I can’t wait that long. As of now our plan is a courthouse wedding with a small reception in April 2020, and then someday getting a convalidation through the church…

We are not even having a big wedding- only family; less than 20 people, no fanfare… It can be during regular mass for all I care. I just wanted it to be done by a priest. Is there any way I can have a priest marry us in April?? Is our situation hopeless???

I would appreciate any information. I’m just devastated. Thank you
 
A city hall wedding doesn’t resolve anything from a moral standpoint.

As for a wedding in April… that is up to the priest and diocese. Would you be okay with a deacon witnessing the wedding outside of a mass? That may not resolve the issue with the diocese’s requirements, but I don’t know all the factors.
 
To answer your first question, yes it is possible for a priest to marry you. However you will have to be confirmed and do marriage prep.

Your fiancé converted to the Catholic Church, why didn’t you go through pre-cana at that time. If the sole purpose of him converting was to be married in the Church, why didn’t you start then?

I’m sorry but you have both chosen to live in a manner that is against Church teaching, living together, planning to start a family outside of marriage, but yet you insist on a Church wedding? It sounds as though you want the wedding more than the marriage.
 
Also, you mention you’ve been told things by “churches.” Have you sat down and discussed this with a priest? If not, I recommend you schedule an appointment for you and your fiance to meet with a priest or deacon directly.

I say this because when preparing to have my daughter baptized the parish office had pretty stringent guidelines. Then we met with the pastor who said if there were any issues meeting those guidelines he could be flexible. We didn’t need to call on that flexibility, but I appreciated the comment.

Please don’t take that as a guarantee, of course. But it’s something to try if you haven’t already. It’s ultimately up to the priest, not the office.
 
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Welcome!

Okay, top to bottom:
Floridagator1 said:
Fiance converted to Catholicism so that a priest could marry us.
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This was not required. Catholics marry non-Catholics literally every week, they simply have to ask for permission which is not a big deal at all.
Floridagator1 said:
I was never confirmed.
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This is not a huge deal. Your pastor ought to meet with you, find out if you need any prep for confirmation, set that up and ask for the Bishop to grant facilities to confirm you. This is not a years long process.
Floridagator1 said:
I’ve been told that the pre-cana takes 8 months, even if we do it online.
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Your Diocese (assuming you are in the US) has a website with their marriage reqs posted. Not every parish does “pre-cana”, some do meetings with Father or another person on staff. The longest I have ever seen is 6 months, and, I have seen that moved up when there is a just reason.
Floridagator1 said:
I’ve also been told we cannot live together during the counseling. The churches who told me this, said that every priest will be the same since they all answer to the same diocese.
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Again, this is a very odd thing. I’ve worked for parishes for more than a decade, with very diverse priests. None of them have refused to allow a cohabitating couple to marry. They are going to advise you to stop sharing a bed, but, sleeping on the sofa or in a guest room is a small sacrifice to make for the good of your soul!

Make an appointment with YOUR pastor or call the Family Life office at your Diocese.

Really, you both deserve to have a real honest talk with someone before you jump into yet another unfortunate decision like a courthouse marriage.
Floridagator1 said:
we literally didn’t have enough time or money to get married until now.
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Well, the time thing, in 5 years you could have gone through marriage prep 10 times 🙂
Money, it costs the price of a marriage license to marry in the Church. You two, a priest and two witnesses. No need for expense. You can marry in a few months, then, save up for a big reception party later.

Breathe.

OFFICIAL US Bishop’s site

 
You need to talk directly to your pastor. Not the secretary. The priest. Make an appointment to speak with him.

It is the pastor who works with the couple and determines readiness for the sacraments. No one here can tell you whether the timeline is flexible. ONLY your pastor can.
 
Just wanted to add that sometimes, when there are some practical reasons that make going through a pre-Cana very hard, there is the option to attend instead a week-end long Engaged Encounter. Our diocese accepted this option as valid preparation for a Catholic Wedding.

 
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Not to be cynical, but I know that convalidations are sometimes done with less complication. I would be tempted to get married in a courthouse and try and get a convalidation. No, the courthouse marriage resolves nothing morally, but then, you could still live single. I just think if a priest knew you were married, but living apart until convalidation, he might be inclined to give a quicker date. Not that I would suggest you game the system, but I can see where it could be done morally.
 
I am almost not sure what the OP is asking. Asking for the Church to just rush everything through for the couple because they never took the time to prepare in the 5 years they have been engaged?

I don’t understand why the big rush for April either. Either you want a Catholic wedding (and everything it entails) or you don’t.
 
Thank you for your detailed response.

For those who have suggested meeting with a priest directly, it is quite hard to arrange that in my city, I think because I unfortunately live in a popular city for destination weddings (Naples Florida)… One church does not let anyone contact the priests, and only let me speak with the receptionists and wedding coordinator. They told me the rules are non-negotiable. At the other church, I spoke with a priest who said they have to obey the rules of the diocese and there’s not much they can do. But that priest also said all wedding decisions are up to the main priest and not him. So I’ve emailed the main priest and left my number at reception to call me, and haven’t heard anything from him.

I have emailed a couple other priests at other churches and have not received any responses. I’m not sure if this means they are not interested, or simply too busy?? Should I try other priests at other churches?

For those who have stated the obvious, I know I made a big mistake by not doing pre-cana a long time ago. When my fiance converted, it was not suggested to do pre-cana or my confirmation at the same time and I don’t know why. We were just going to do it after his baptism. And again I did not know pre-cana took so long.

I wish to be married in April because that is the only time my mother can travel to be here. So my options are April 2020 or Fall 2021… Being that I’m already 36 with fertility problems I would prefer to be married before I’m 38 years old.

I do appreciate everyone’s viewpoints and I appreciate any suggestions because I hate the idea of a courthouse wedding but feel like that’s what I’m being pushed into.
 
Do you attend Mass at a parish? Do you have a parish you call home?

It sounds as though you are just calling parishes at random to find one that will say yes to your wants. If you are not going to live as a Catholic why the instance on a Catholic marriage?
Floridagator1 said:
I hate the idea of a courthouse wedding but feel like that’s what I’m being pushed into.
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No one is “pushing” you into a courthouse wedding. You have other options, you just don’t like them.
 
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This may be 100% wrong, but is it possible that a FSSP (Latin Mass) parish would possibly be able to work with you on a shorter time frame? Fewer diocesan hoops to jump through – maybe you could actually talk to a priest?
Or am I crazy…
 
Hi Horton, yes we go regularly to the same parish for 3 years now.

Trying my best to live as a Catholic but as I have previously stated and will state again I have made mistakes. I know everything that has happened is my fault.

As a good catholic I’d love to be married by a priest before we start a family. The only option I’m being given is to wait another 1 and 1/2 years before this can be possible, so you see I think that will make having children even harder. I would appreciate any suggestions if a priest can marry us sooner than this.
 
Floridagator1 said:
The only option I’m being given is to wait another 1 and 1/2 years before this can be possible,
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Actually, no, that isn’t true. You are saying the ONLY time your mother can be there is April or Fall 2021. I don’t know why that would be the case. BUT— Your mother isn’t required to be there for you to validly marry. Get married with a priest and two witnesses. Have a big reception with your mother there later.
 
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