Is it better for a woman to change her last name at marriage?

[graceandglory]

About three months before me and my wife got married, she had to go for a new driver’s license. So she asked how to do it when we got married. The guy behind the counter said “we can take care of that right now, what last name would you like on your license?”

She came home and said “I’m a Hapka now!” I was quite surprised I always thought it was somewhat hard to change your name…

Andy

That might work on a driver’s license, but it doesn’t work for Social Security purposes, for the IRS, in the workplace and on taxes.

It is a hassle. You have to have copies of legal documents and your old SS card and your photo ID and papers with your address and go IN PERSON to a SSA office.

That’s federal law.

 

[RandA]

“I don’t understand why patriliny is still such a big deal either. When a woman keeps her last name, why do the children almost always inherently get the father’s last name? I think it makes a lot more sense for someone a woman gives birth to to have the same last name that she does.”

Fidelia - this is what we did in my family, for numerous reasons. First, if I had taken my husband’s name I would have had the same name as a woman who infamously murdered her kids and then blamed a fictional black man for those murders. For that reason, as well as my professional and social identification among colleagues and friends for 31 years, I decided (at my husband’s prompting, I might add), to keep my own name. When I was pregnant with our first ds, my husband decided he’d rather give my name to our kids than his, because (1) my last name is much, much more unique than DH (his is most common in English language), and he has gone through life being one of at least five or six guys of the same name everywhere he goes. He’s mistakenly received child support notices and the like, due to this fact. He did not want the kids to go through life with this same problem; and (2) we live close to my family and far from his. People in the community, schools, etc., know my name and my family. This fact (being from a family that is known in the particular community where we live) would be more useful to the kids than having dh’s very common name (which, is meaningless to him as well!)

So, for those reasons we did do it that way. Now, I actually cannot imagine changing my name - my name is who I am. And quite frankly, while it started out as my dad’s name, it’s not just his name anymore - it’s also mine now, by virtue of 41 years of living with it. However, that’s not to say our odd naming situation isn’t difficult. I would like to identify ourselves easily as a family. I usually end up saying: the myname-hisname family. Also, what do I call myself? I like to embrace “Mrs” because I’m a married woman and a mom and I’m very proud of that; however, Mrs. myname is my mom’s name, and Mrs. Hisname is just incorrect. I usually just go with either, though, depending upon what people want to call me. I’m also afraid that it’s unclear to other people, that dh is the biological dad of the kids. I think lots of people assume at first that he’s their stepdad, which is not true.

As for the rest - I haven’t seen any biblical or Traditional requirement for a woman to take a man’s name (or for children to specifically take their father’s name) - else, how would the naming practices of Italy, Spain, Mexico, and other largely Catholic countries be maintained? Therefore, it is a matter of cultural custom and personal choice. End of story for me.

S.

 

[planter654]

“I don’t understand why patriliny is still such a big deal either. When a woman keeps her last name, why do the children almost always inherently get the father’s last name? I think it makes a lot more sense for someone a woman gives birth to to have the same last name that she does.”

Fidelia - this is what we did in my family, for numerous reasons. First, if I had taken my husband’s name I would have had the same name as a woman who infamously murdered her kids and then blamed a fictional black man for those murders. For that reason, as well as my professional and social identification among colleagues and friends for 31 years, I decided (at my husband’s prompting, I might add), to keep my own name. When I was pregnant with our first ds, my husband decided he’d rather give my name to our kids than his, because (1) my last name is much, much more unique than DH (his is most common in English language), and he has gone through life being one of at least five or six guys of the same name everywhere he goes. He’s mistakenly received child support notices and the like, due to this fact. He did not want the kids to go through life with this same problem; and (2) we live close to my family and far from his. People in the community, schools, etc., know my name and my family. This fact (being from a family that is known in the particular community where we live) would be more useful to the kids than having dh’s very common name (which, is meaningless to him as well!)

So, for those reasons we did do it that way. Now, I actually cannot imagine changing my name - my name is who I am. And quite frankly, while it started out as my dad’s name, it’s not just his name anymore - it’s also mine now, by virtue of 41 years of living with it. However, that’s not to say our odd naming situation isn’t difficult. I would like to identify ourselves easily as a family. I usually end up saying: the myname-hisname family. Also, what do I call myself? I like to embrace “Mrs” because I’m a married woman and a mom and I’m very proud of that; however, Mrs. myname is my mom’s name, and Mrs. Hisname is just incorrect. I usually just go with either, though, depending upon what people want to call me. I’m also afraid that it’s unclear to other people, that dh is the biological dad of the kids. I think lots of people assume at first that he’s their stepdad, which is not true.

As for the rest - I haven’t seen any biblical or Traditional requirement for a woman to take a man’s name (or for children to specifically take their father’s name) - else, how would the naming practices of Italy, Spain, Mexico, and other largely Catholic countries be maintained? Therefore, it is a matter of cultural custom and personal choice. End of story for me.

S.

It takes a man and woman as one to have a child. Mothers gives birth, because God created them to do so, but man is the head of his household. Husband and wife to be subject to each other. But the “child is of the mother” and the “child is of the father” and also the "child is an individual, his own person. thereforth the if the man is the head of his househole commanded by God then why not his name? I am sorry but women are getting very silly.

Love God Bless

 

[RandA]

It takes a man and woman as one to have a child. Mothers gives birth, because God created them to do so, but man is the head of his household. Husband and wife to be subject to each other. But the “child is of the mother” and the “child is of the father” and also the "child is an individual, his own person. thereforth the if the man is the head of his househole commanded by God then why not his name? I am sorry but women are getting very silly.

Love God Bless

In response to “why not his name?” Because he didn’t want the child to have his name - his name is meaningless to him due to its extreme commonality. Is my husband a “woman getting silly”? Is my agreement with his assessment a “woman getting silly?” (keeping in mind that I am a conservative, non-feminist, pro-life, nfp using, but still business-professional, woman.) Head of household =/= passing on of name. These two issues are tenuously related, if at all! But, of course, you are entitled to your opinion; be aware, however, that it is an opinion! God Bless you too!

S.

 

[sanctamaria17]

Yes, because women of other cultures must be silly…A little ethnocentric, don’t you think? Just because it’s an American tradition to change your name after marriage doesn’t mean that women of every culture are bound by it. I don’t think the Church really cares and I think getting all uptight over the whole thing is very silly

I agree with some of the reasons. Having a common name is tough in our society, professional circumstances differ for each woman, and there are many reasons to keep a maiden name. If you really think a name is just a bunch of letters that don’t matter, why get so uptight over a woman’s decision? She’s the one who ends up going by the name!

I’ve been contemplating changing my own last name to the original Italian name in my family. I’m proud of my culture and I love how unique the name is. Also, it would be a whole lot easier when I have to explain my ethnicity (I have a Scottish last name but I have dark coloring and have been told I look Latin/Mediterranean. I also speak both Spanish and Italian which really confuses people even more). And, if people mispronounced it, it would be a whole lot more understandable (my name is fairly common and people still mispronounce it).

Honestly, this is like the whole “metro-sexual” debate. Like I said, bigger things to worry about. Unless she wants to have an abortion or do something to harm herself or others or she’s completely going against Church teachings (and she’s a practicing Catholic, otherwise, it wouldn’t matter), it’s not our business or right to tell another woman what to do.

 

[Potato1]

It isn’t a matter to me of morality but in my country. It would tell me alot about a person. and that is probably not someone I would have dated anyway.

 

[Fidelia]

“I don’t understand why patriliny is still such a big deal either. When a woman keeps her last name, why do the children almost always inherently get the father’s last name? I think it makes a lot more sense for someone a woman gives birth to to have the same last name that she does.”

Fidelia - this is what we did in my family, for numerous reasons. First, if I had taken my husband’s name I would have had the same name as a woman who infamously murdered her kids and then blamed a fictional black man for those murders. For that reason, as well as my professional and social identification among colleagues and friends for 31 years, I decided (at my husband’s prompting, I might add), to keep my own name. When I was pregnant with our first ds, my husband decided he’d rather give my name to our kids than his, because (1) my last name is much, much more unique than DH (his is most common in English language), and he has gone through life being one of at least five or six guys of the same name everywhere he goes. He’s mistakenly received child support notices and the like, due to this fact. He did not want the kids to go through life with this same problem; and (2) we live close to my family and far from his. People in the community, schools, etc., know my name and my family. This fact (being from a family that is known in the particular community where we live) would be more useful to the kids than having dh’s very common name (which, is meaningless to him as well!)

So, for those reasons we did do it that way. Now, I actually cannot imagine changing my name - my name is who I am. And quite frankly, while it started out as my dad’s name, it’s not just his name anymore - it’s also mine now, by virtue of 41 years of living with it. However, that’s not to say our odd naming situation isn’t difficult. I would like to identify ourselves easily as a family. I usually end up saying: the myname-hisname family. Also, what do I call myself? I like to embrace “Mrs” because I’m a married woman and a mom and I’m very proud of that; however, Mrs. myname is my mom’s name, and Mrs. Hisname is just incorrect. I usually just go with either, though, depending upon what people want to call me. I’m also afraid that it’s unclear to other people, that dh is the biological dad of the kids. I think lots of people assume at first that he’s their stepdad, which is not true.

As for the rest - I haven’t seen any biblical or Traditional requirement for a woman to take a man’s name (or for children to specifically take their father’s name) - else, how would the naming practices of Italy, Spain, Mexico, and other largely Catholic countries be maintained? Therefore, it is a matter of cultural custom and personal choice. End of story for me.

S.

RandA, I admire your husband a lot for doing that. I hope there are more out there like him.

 

[planter654]

In response to “why not his name?” Because he didn’t want the child to have his name - his name is meaningless to him due to its extreme commonality. Is my husband a “woman getting silly”? Is my agreement with his assessment a “woman getting silly?” (keeping in mind that I am a conservative, non-feminist, pro-life, nfp using, but still business-professional, woman.) Head of household =/= passing on of name. These two issues are tenuously related, if at all! But, of course, you are entitled to your opinion; be aware, however, that it is an opinion! God Bless you too!

S.

Thank you and I am very sad for the father, but very happy for your child because he or she has a beautiful loving Mother. You are an inspiration to all women.

Thank you…God Bless you and yours always.

 

[bunnynessuk]

This is just personal choice!!! If you want your husbands name take it if not dont! If you both want to change your name do!!! Its just a matter of opinion!

Different cultures have different opinions and different ways of doing things in the bible you dont see Mrs _____ you see Mary wife of joseph etc times change! When I get married I will ALWAYS be my husbands wife my surname nor his play a part in this surely their are more important things to a marriage than a name - a rose by any other name would smell as sweet would it not???

My h2b and I are going to create a whole new name this has nothing to do with anyone but us and neither does anyone elses choice of a name!!!

 

[Fidelia]

This is just personal choice!!! If you want your husbands name take it if not dont! If you both want to change your name do!!! Its just a matter of opinion!

Different cultures have different opinions and different ways of doing things in the bible you dont see Mrs _____ you see Mary wife of joseph etc times change! When I get married I will ALWAYS be my husbands wife my surname nor his play a part in this surely their are more important things to a marriage than a name - a rose by any other name would smell as sweet would it not???

My h2b and I are going to create a whole new name this has nothing to do with anyone but us and neither does anyone elses choice of a name!!!

That’s right. No one has any right to accuse a woman who keeps her name of not being committed to her marriage.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

It would tell me alot about a person. and that is probably not someone I would have dated anyway.

In much of the world all it would tell you about the person is that they are law-abiding citizens. And not just Ceasar’s law, but Christ’s, since the RCC has no problem with it in these countries.

Avoid them if you like, but don’t act as though they are somehow morally inferior.

 

[ecp007]

Let me share a totally practical anecdotal story…when I married my husband, my dream was to work a few years, and then move back to my home town of Miami. Never did I expect that the adventure we call life would lead us to live in Malaysia as expats working for a multi-national company. Now, I often travel internationally with my children, due to my husband’s work schedules (he usually arrives before or after us to any destination due to his business meetings). I have a friend who has a different last name than her children, whenever she travels, she needs to have a recent notarized letter from her husband, giving her “permission” to travel with “his” kids… I have never had that problem because my last name is the same as my kids. Passports only list sir names, or “family names”, not parent’s names.

Bottom line, you never know where life will lead you. A sir name is a practicle way of deliniating a family structure. Use it to your advantage.

 

[Fidelia]

Let me share a totally practical anecdotal story…when I married my husband, my dream was to work a few years, and then move back to my home town of Miami. Never did I expect that the adventure we call life would lead us to live in Malaysia as expats working for a multi-national company. Now, I often travel internationally with my children, due to my husband’s work schedules (he usually arrives before or after us to any destination due to his business meetings). I have a friend who has a different last name than her children, whenever she travels, she needs to have a recent notarized letter from her husband, giving her “permission” to travel with “his” kids… I have never had that problem because my last name is the same as my kids. Passports only list sir names, or “family names”, not parent’s names.

Bottom line, you never know where life will lead you. A sir name is a practicle way of deliniating a family structure. Use it to your advantage.

just a correction, it’s “surname” not “sir name” just so you know.

this shows why it makes more sense and is more practical for children to have the same surname as their mother. Whether or not the mother has taken the father’s name is a different issue.

 

[Potato1]

In much of the world all it would tell you about the person is that they are law-abiding citizens. And not just Ceasar’s law, but Christ’s, since the RCC has no problem with it in these countries.

Avoid them if you like, but don’t act as though they are somehow morally inferior.

Did you read my whole post? I said that there was no moral consequences and I was talking about my country, the USA. So YES I am able to have a preference without you making moral judgements on me. Geeesh, put your sword away and just let my opinion be. I probably would not have dated someone who didn’t take my name as that is the norm here not the exeption. I am proud of my name, I worked hard for it’s reputaion, so did my Daddy. Now my wife is very proud of it too. So are my kids. Before you shout sexist or pig at me let me remind some of you that my wife is the earner, the boss, the head honcho here and I am a stay at home dad. So it isn’t about my controll of her but of what it says about us. We are a family, we have a family name in the tradition of our culture, and that my friends says alot about what is important to us too.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

The above is true, but it is also true that you need massive amounts of documentation when travelling internationally with your child, whether or not you are alone, and whether or not your names all match. You can’t even get a passport for an under 16 year old without notarized forms from the other parent, no matter what names are used.

abriggs.com/high_level/travel_w_minors.php

Otherwise, what’s to stop an uncle that shares the same name as his niece from taking her across borders without the parents permission? Or an abusive non-custodial parent kidnapping the child? It’s common sense, and I’m glad they do it for all families.

 

[NoxSineStellae]

Did you read my whole post? I said that there was no moral consequences and I was talking about my country, the USA. So YES I am able to have a preference without you making moral judgements on me. Geeesh, put your sword away and just let my opinion be. I probably would not have dated someone who didn’t take my name as that is the norm here not the exeption. I am proud of my name, I worked hard for it’s reputaion, so did my Daddy. Now my wife is very proud of it too. So are my kids. Before you shout sexist or pig at me let me remind some of you that my wife is the earner, the boss, the head honcho here and I am a stay at home dad. So it isn’t about my controll of her but of what it says about us. We are a family, we have a family name in the tradition of our culture, and that my friends says alot about what is important to us too.

I apologize I get a lot of flack from RL aquaintances on how hellbound and uncommitted I am, and how Jesus hates me for being a feminist and blah blah blah simply because I followed the law of the country I’m in. It’s a touchy subject for me, especially when people make no distinction between motives (I see now that you did).

I think I’m also prickly because I would very much rather have my husband’s name than my father’s, and it irks me that I can’t, not even in social circles.

 

[Potato1]

It’s all good… I dont think you are a feminist as long as you don’t think I am sitting here in my mustard stained wife beater, wanting my dinner hot and my beer cold I am prickly too because I am told that my trad. values are what Jesus hates!

 

[Ghoti]

In at least the English-speaking world, surnames came about after the Norman invasion of England in 1066. Before that, the Anglo-Saxons, Danes, and Britons usually went by one name. A second name if used was usually a patronymic (Edmundson, ap Owein) which of course changed each generation; sometimes a nickname (Forkbeard, Barefoot) would be added, but just for that individual. Women didn’t “change their names” because there was no name to change.

Once the Normans invaded, William the Conqueror decreed that everyone had to take a surname, and there were some rules: I believe it had to be a patronymic or some variant thereon which would then be fixed (like Johnson/Jacks/Jenkins/Fitzjohn); a trade, like Cooper or Baker; a colour, like Greene or Brown; a nickname, like Short or Strange (meaning “foreigner”); or a place, like Atbridge or Brooks. This got exported to the Americas, where it became the norm.

In Iceland there is no family name. Men take their father’s name with the -son ending, women take their father’s with the -dattir ending, and names do not change on marriage. Also everyone is listed by their first names in the phone book.

BTW, on a side note, in Jewish society legitimacy is traced through the mother, not the father; I assume because while you can never be sure exactly who the dad was, you always knew who the mom was.

I mean, can you imagine?

Doctor: Ms X, your blood test came back. You’re pregnant.
Ms X: (gasp) Is it mine??

 

[ecp007]

The above is true, but it is also true that you need massive amounts of documentation when travelling internationally with your child, whether or not you are alone, and whether or not your names all match. .

Ah… No, not really, that is not true at all. All you need is valid passports, with last names matching. I know, I travel all over the world, all the time. I have never had a problem.

You can’t even get a passport for an under 16 year old without notarized forms from the other parent, no matter what names are used. .

This is true, and it is to avoid parental child abductions. Both parents need to be present or one needs to submit a notarized letter. But, it is not a massive amount of documentation. Only a single letter at the time of passport application (once every 5 years). But if you have a different last name, then you need to travel with a current notarized letter, explaining the situation.

Otherwise, what’s to stop an uncle that shares the same name as his niece from taking her across borders without the parents permission? Or an abusive non-custodial parent kidnapping the child? It’s common sense, and I’m glad they do it for all families.

The customs agent is what tries to stop this sort of thing from happening. When you enter a country, the customs agent will ask to speak to your child, and they will say stuff like what’s your name, who is that lady, how old are you, who are you travelling with, where are you going, etc… easy questions, but just to be sure nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

 

[CountryMom27]

I always wanted to be a Mrs. and there’s only one way to be one - marry and change your name! But I loved my maiden name and my middle name, so I kept them all, legally. My last name, because you can have only one with Social Security, is my married name, and my middle and maiden names are my two middle names. I used to use my first name maiden name married name all of the time (not hyphenated) but now I pretty much use my first name married name. It changes when you have kids.

I like now that my kids have friends to be called Mrs. So-and-so. We teach our kids to call all adults by Mr, Mrs., Dr., or Miss Last Name even though our friends think it’s odd. I think it’s easier with kids to have one family name everyone shares. But to each his own - my sister in law kept her name, which is fine.