Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of your children?

[robinia]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

 

[E_7]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

It is better to stay. Just try not to fight and argue in front of your son or he will become insecure.

EDIT: Also, just because you two gave up on one another doesn’t mean that you two will stop being faithful to each other.

 

[Lou2U]

It is better to stay. Just try not to fight and argue in front of your son or he will become insecure.

EDIT: Also, just because you two gave up on one another doesn’t mean that you two will stop being faithful to each other.

I kind of agree. The main thing I would say is do not give up. Exhaust everything before deciding to separate. If your husband won’t go to counselling, go by yourself and speak to your Priest. Try date nights, weekends away without your son. Try to come together over a common interest - do an activity you used to do before you got married. Have you read the book about the 5 love languages? That could help you.

I agree with not fighting in front of your son. He should not be around you when you argue.

If your problems are really too massive to stay with your husband, you should always put your son first.

Lou

 

[Anglewannabe]

I do not like to encourage divorce but… it is NOT good to stay together ‘just for your son’. If both people’s mentality is ‘for the good of the our son, we will try to reconcile our marriage’ then that is a different story.

Let me explain the difference.

To stay together for the sake of your son means a household where there is always a stressful environment ie let’s wait until junior is in bed before we fight

To stay together because you have a son and want to reconcile is a household where a married couple is trying to love one another. Much better. However if this situation is not feasible, then sadly considering leaving will be a reality. And you can not be the only person with this mentality. Hubby has to be on board.

I knew a girl whose parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. The day her younger brother graduated from high school her parents breathed a sigh of relief. Finally we can divorce. She said she NEVER saw her parents fight. However there was always an unbearable stressful silence in the house that made her wish her parents did divorce.

Angie

 

[Kelfa28]

The only way a divorce could work is where both of you stay single and never remarry.

If you and your husband could actually do that…it might be an option.

While a divorce is bad enough for a child…remarriage is almost always worse.

 

[frangiuliano115]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

Yes.

It’s wrong.

Divorce is horrible on kids.

I know a couple right now that is going through this with a 10 year old boy. He’s a mess. Maybe he’ll learn to get along? Why should he have to? Parents bring children into the world - parents should raise them and help them to have as pleasant a life as possible. Plenty of time for trouble later on in life. What do we have kids for anyway?

Angie posted re a friend who was sorry her parents didn’t divorce. How could she know what she preferred? She was raised by a mother and a father and will never know what it would have been like had they divorced. Being knocked around in two different homes, and worse.

Marriage is a commitment. Your husband understands this. He’s committed to you. Accept it for the sake of your child. Be committed back. Your son deserves protection from his mother (and his father).

God bless you and help you
Fran

 

[Wildkit]

I’m not certain that your priest charges that much. Both of you, see him!

 

[babochka]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

It is best to stay in your marriage for the sake of your marriage. It is best to choose to treat each other in a loving manner, in spite of your feelings at the moment, and trust that God has given you the grace, in this sacrament, to overcome this rough spot. I don’t want to minimize the very real trials that you are facing, but many, many marriages have moved beyond these trials.

Having a child can be very hard on a marriage. I urge you to give this some time before you make a life-changing decision.

One study, conducted several years ago, looked at couples who were very unhappy and considering divorce, but decided to stay together. In that study, 2/3 of the couples who stayed together were happily married 5 years later.

 

[GreyWings]

I realize my opinion is going to be different, but… oh well.

You say your marriage is loveless. That’s… not good. All marriages have their ups and downs and are not always sunshine and rainbows, but with no love at all? Not a good sign. If it’s bad now, without a desire to work on things, it will only get worse. With no love, and your husband has already checked out, there’s only to be heartache for you. Therefore I think it’s best to go your separate ways. You don’t have to remarry, although you could get an annulment and find love with another man, if it is God’s will. Meanwhile, if you have your father in your life, or brothers, they could be a father figure to your child.

Just… speaking from experience, and I know not everyone’s story is like mine, but my ex refused marriage counseling, too, only to have myself suddenly abandoned and scrambling, seeing a priest in my heartache and then having to lawyer up. It was the worst thing I ever experienced. And I absolutely don’t want that for you. My heart is still healing.

Perhaps… consider a plan if you do decide to leave. Plan a support system, find employment. Is family around, that perhaps your mother or a relative could watch your child while you work? Could you live with a relative as your rebuild your life?

I think life is too short.

Happiness is on the horizon for you. Sometimes, you have to listen to that inner voice. If there is no love in your marriage, and I mean no love - not even as friends, then it’s best to go on in peace.

That’s just my two cents. And I know it’s not a popular one.

I’m sorry. It’s tough. PM me if you ever need to talk. I’ll pray for your situation.

There’s always another path to take. The path to take is your choice…

God Bless
GW

 

[E_7]

I realize my opinion is going to be different, but… oh well.

You say your marriage is loveless. That’s… not good. All marriages have their ups and downs and are not always sunshine and rainbows, but with no love at all? Not a good sign. Therefore I think it’s best to go your separate ways. You don’t have to remarry, although you could get an annulment and find love with a man.

No sign of love is not a ground for annulment.

 

[GreyWings]

No sign of love is not a ground for annulment.

That is true, and I didn’t say it was. But there are many other reasons why a marriage could be considered invalid, and we don’t know if there are such reasons present in the OP’s life. I also said she didn’t have to remarry. Better to be alone with the support of family than miserable in a loveless marriage.

FWIW, the Pope is making annulments easier to obtain now.

 

[E_7]

OP, the “recipe” for a great marriage is to love God above all else including above one’s spouse. If you love God and are faithful to Him, you are loving your spouse as a consequence . Instead of living the marriage for the sake of your son or spouse, live it for the sake of the holy wounds of Jesus and to make Him smile and not cry. Change the perspective and fight those evil spirits that are devoted to ruin your life, your son’s and your husband’s.

 

[frangiuliano115]

I realize my opinion is going to be different, but… oh well.

You say your marriage is loveless. That’s… not good. All marriages have their ups and downs and are not always sunshine and rainbows, but with no love at all? Not a good sign. If it’s bad now, without a desire to work on things, it will only get worse. With no love, and your husband has already checked out, there’s only to be heartache for you. Therefore I think it’s best to go your separate ways. You don’t have to remarry, although you could get an annulment and find love with another man, if it is God’s will. Meanwhile, if you have your father in your life, or brothers, they could be a father figure to your child.

Just… speaking from experience, and I know not everyone’s story is like mine, but my ex refused marriage counseling, too, only to have myself suddenly abandoned and scrambling, seeing a priest in my heartache and then having to lawyer up. It was the worst thing I ever experienced. And I absolutely don’t want that for you. My heart is still healing.

Perhaps… consider a plan if you do decide to leave. Plan a support system, find employment. Is family around, that perhaps your mother or a relative could watch your child while you work? Could you live with a relative as your rebuild your life?

I think life is too short.

Happiness is on the horizon for you. Sometimes, you have to listen to that inner voice. If there is no love in your marriage, and I mean no love - not even as friends, then it’s best to go on in peace.

That’s just my two cents. And I know it’s not a popular one.

I’m sorry. It’s tough. PM me if you ever need to talk. I’ll pray for your situation.

There’s always another path to take. The path to take is your choice…

God Bless
GW

GreyWings,

There’s so much incorrect thinking in your post that I can hardly get into it!

I would only bring it up to help the OP to think thru everything - not to correct you. You have the right to believe whatever you do.

But I’m here and it’s really late. I’ll make some comments tomorrow morning. If the OP cares to think through what you said coupled with my thoughts.

I don’t like debating…

Good Night
Fran

 

[GreyWings]

GreyWings,

There’s so much incorrect thinking in your post that I can hardly get into it!

Um, I know my opinion is not the status quo, but try to think from my perspective: a woman, suddenly abandoned, left with bills, left scrambling, my bleeding heart on the floor. I wanted none of it. How is my thinking incorrect, when I only wanted to survive? Who are you to judge me?

It’s true that God should be number one, and to cleave unto Him, always. Agreed. Yes. No doubt about it.

However, I faced the unthinkable, the worst nightmare. I survived, though, thanks be to God.

When faced with such a situation, I say be prepared for your own safety. Make God number one, always, as His love is perfect, but human beings are not infallible, unfortunately.

I heard a tale from the priest who helped me with my own annulment, that one woman’s husband was planning on ruining her financially. She made a swift move by making a plan and getting a lawyer. It saved her, probably from destitution. I don’t want to scare anyone, but it’s sad, it’s so sad.

I’m just saying, sometimes our walk in life is not perfect and as we want it to be. And sometimes, trials and tribulations, such as what I went through, brings us closer to Him.

I just want what’s best for the OP. I know my opinion is not popular, but with my own tale of woe, I advise to be cautious.

 

[white_sheep]

Yes, it is better. You took vows to love each other. You wouldn’t do that if it was always easy to do. Sometimes you reach the dark night of the marriage and have to push through, but you can do it. Try to love each other. Act it out if nothing else and you can get it back. I think they say fake it till you make it, or something.

What have you done nice for your husband lately? How have you shown him that you love and appreciate him? How have you asked him to show that back to you? This is what you have to do.

 

[E_7]

Yes, it is better. You took vows to love each other. You wouldn’t do that if it was always easy to do. Sometimes you reach the dark night of the marriage and have to push through, but you can do it. Try to love each other. Act it out if nothing else and you can get it back. I think they say fake it till you make it, or something.

What have you done nice for your husband lately? How have you shown him that you love and appreciate him? How have you asked him to show that back to you? This is what you have to do.

Yes! In the words of Mother Teresa " God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try. " and "There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that’s why we try to do it as beautifully as possible. "

 

[Cath4life]

My husband and I have been having problems and it’s gotten a lot worse. My husband has finally admitted he is with me still only because of our infant son. I also have been feeling the same way but haven’t said it out loud to him. Regardless of who is causing what problems, he has refused counseling because he believes counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists are all crooks and frauds looking for money. I’m afraid of this all leading to separation and divorce, but I’m even more afraid of being stuck in a loveless marriage. He believes that we should still stay together for our sin because he needs both parents, which is a true fact, but am I wrong for thinking separating would be less hurtful for him now and in the long term?

Dear OP, sometimes it seems like everything is OVER and we lose the will to continue in a marriage that may SEEM loveless. However, marriage is a covenant and love is not a feeling, it’s a decision. I am choosing to love you regardless of feeling!

When you first got married, you entered a sacrament and covenant and it is time now to call upon the grace of the sacrament to provide the healing in your marriage so that your son can be raised in the ideal situation. WITH GOD ALL things are possible!!!

I am speaking from experience. After about 12 years into my marriage, I thought it was over and then I went on a retreat that helped me to realize that I could NOT quit easily. I needed to have the courage and will to continue in my marriage. Through the GRACE of God, I started to see that even if I was to divorce my husband, I would still need to be in a relationship and be involved in raising our children. Also, the covenant is for both of us to be in a relationship with God and that is part of the covenant. We BOTH need salvation. In other words, we have to think of our pilgrimage here and how we can get our spouse and children to heaven as well.

That means both parties need to see the error of their ways and not give up without a big fight. Our goal was to work on healing many different issues that seemed non-negotiable. I spent a lot of time in adoration and asking Our Lord to guide me during this crisis. That is part of the vocation of marriage to work through the difficulties and monotony. It is NOT easy, but your child deserves the courage to continue to work through it. Unless you are in a violent and abusive marriage that causes severe harm. Of course, no one else knows your current situation, I am just speaking from my own opinion. Cling to Jesus and Mary!!! You can get through this!!!

“Jesus, I TRUST in YOU”!!!

 

[Naskor]

Love is a choice. If say you don’t love your husband, what you are actually saying is that you choose not too.

 

[E_7]

Dear OP, sometimes it seems like everything is OVER and we lose the will to continue in a marriage that may SEEM loveless. However, marriage is a covenant and love is not a feeling, it’s a decision. I am choosing to love you regardless of feeling!

When you first got married, you entered a sacrament and covenant and it is time now to call upon the grace of the sacrament to provide the healing in your marriage so that your son can be raised in the ideal situation. WITH GOD ALL things are possible!!!

I am speaking from experience. After about 12 years into my marriage, I thought it was over and then I went on a retreat that helped me to realize that I could NOT quit easily. I needed to have the courage and will to continue in my marriage. Through the GRACE of God, I started to see that even if I was to divorce my husband, I would still need to be in a relationship and be involved in raising our children. Also, the covenant is for both of us to be in a relationship with God and that is part of the covenant. ** We BOTH need salvation. In other words, we have to think of our pilgrimage here and how we can get our spouse and children to heaven as well. **

That means both parties need to see the error of their ways and not give up without a big fight. Our goal was to work on healing many different issues that seemed non-negotiable. I spent a lot of time in adoration and asking Our Lord to guide me during this crisis. That is part of the vocation of marriage to work through the difficulties and monotony. It is NOT easy, but your child deserves the courage to continue to work through it. Unless you are in a violent and abusive marriage that causes severe harm. Of course, no one else knows your current situation, I am just speaking from my own opinion. Cling to Jesus and Mary!!! You can get through this!!!

“Jesus, I TRUST in YOU”!!!

Well said!

 

[GreyWings]

Yes! In the words of Mother Teresa " God doesn’t require us to succeed; he only requires that you try. " and "There is always the danger that we may just do the work for the sake of the work. This is where the respect and the love and the devotion come in - that we do it to God, to Christ, and that’s why we try to do it as beautifully as possible. "

I agree with this. Wholeheartedly. Beautifully said.

But even when our hearts are pure, and we love, sometimes bad things happen to good people. That is the reality. Even when our hearts are on Him. Even when we give something our all.

Don’t get me wrong. I want the OP to have a successful marriage. But I am afraid for her, because my ex refused marriage counseling, too, with the exact same excuse, and BOOM. I was suddenly blindsided, needing a lawyer.

Absolutely, love is a choice. I only pray that what happened to me, doesn’t happen to anyone else.

OP, try to do what the others are telling you. Try to save your marriage. But just remember to heed my advice, in case you are stuck… go right to your priest. In fact, talking to your priest now may not be a bad idea.

I don’t want to upset anyone - I just don’t want anyone’s heart to be broken, and I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through.